Hope, You were commenting on the fact she asked me to file the divorce papers and what my first reaction to that was. Is there something there you specifically wanted me to see or were you merely pointing out the fact that if she seriously intended to be divorced she would find a way?
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Yes, Jefe there was something specific I wanted you to examine when I asked for your first thought to the following paragraph. Thank you for asking.
Here is what I wrote:
“When someone wants a divorce they file for a divorce and the LBS begs them not to do this. But not only does your wife keep threatening to file a divorce (with no follow through)--Now she is demanding that you to carry out her threat.”
I asked:
Is your first thought to the paragraph above, “She did that because she can’t afford to file.”
Because your first thought should have been:
“Hey (or OMG!)…I didn’t even realize she was asking me to carry out her threats!”
But you didn’t have either response.
You said:
”My initial response to the ‘divorce’ statement was that it was just another idle threat meant to wound me for the moment.
This tells me you are still 100% focused on you. Your pain. Your issues. What she is doing to you and how this is affecting your life.
DBing cannot be effective until you stop focusing on everything your spouse is doing wrong and make changes that brought you and your spouse to this point.
You are a wounded animal. And you are waiting for her to heal your wounds.
If I can see this so can she. The problem in your marriage is she is also a wounded animal and she is waiting for you to heal her wounds.
Someone has to give in first or the marriage will collapse.
The reason the first break up is so significant is because you should have stayed broken up. While you were apart she got pregnant with another man’s child and you were still married. Logically, you should have been working on saving your marriage and she should have bonded with the father of her child.
But, the two of you reunited. Your wife’s behavior runs contrary to normal female behavior. When a woman becomes pregnant while in a relationship, instinct drives them to nest with the father of the child. Women do not spend years working on a relationship with another man unless she has a stronger bond with that man.
This tells me she was more emotionally invested with you. So the next question I ask is: How did the initial break up occur? Usually if both parties are in love the normal progression isn’t to break up.
Unless there is an imbalance of emotional power it the relationship…which there was in your case. You were married. I’m sure this was very frustrating to her.
Here is my hypothesis (please correct me if I am wrong):
The longer you were involved the angrier she became that you were not divorced. You tried to explain the roadblocks but she felt you were being deceptive. Her response was to lash. When she lashed you withdrew. When you withdrew, she lashed more, which made you withdraw even more.
She finally gave up and left the relationship. When she left the relationship it also meant she stopped lashing. This made you stop withdrawing. When you aren't withdrawing you are able to give her attention. She allowed you to give her attention. When she allowed you to give her attention you were able to connect. When you were allowed to have a connection with her you took the opportunity to re-bond. Once you bonded…then you reunited.
If I am right…This is your dynamic again.
Believe it or not…You are the person who taught her that she has to leave you, find another man, date him and develop an intimate relationship. Then, after she has done all this…you will put forth the effort to “win her back.”
This is why I encourage you to change your behavior by using the 12-Step Recovery program and discussing your faults in the marriage.
She needs to know you recognize many of the problems in the marriage are your fault and she was a contributor to the good things in your marriage. She needs to know she has value--not because other men find her is attractive--but because she is your lifetime partner.
Yes, she wanted the divorce from my ex to happen ASAP. We had been together about 7 months and had been courting a little longer and she wanted kids so bad. She was ready to settle down, with me. I wanted it too. I just procrastinated about the divorce (It gets me in trouble with her a lot, I mean A LOT) and never explored it. I have a tattooed wedding band and she wanted it lasered off... Yes, you are pretty much spot on.
When she left, I pursued her HARD, and ended up pushing her away. So, I worked on me (not far enough, though). She called me about a month or so into her new relationship and wanted to know how I was and let me know that things were going poorly with new guy (5 years younger than her). She wanted him to go to church and he flat refused. I took this as an opportunity to get my foot back in the door and started to send flowers, and cards. I visited her mom at the restaurant she worked at and had dinner (Mom always like me and didn't care for new guy) up to the point when new guy called me to scare me away. Didn't work.
She was going to stay with him but he refused her and she didn't try real hard. She was only pregnant 4-5 weeks and we got back together Jan 24, 2007. She ran back to him (Feb 3) because she was confused and I wasn't fixed all the way and tried to reconcile it with him but he denied her. She went into deep depression because she thought I hated her and didn't want her and that she had destroyed the relationship totally. She could't believe that I still loved her and wanted her (her words) and we were married May 25th.
This is the same guy she just had the inappropriate EA relationship with. IS she using this to get my attention?
On the outside it seems dumb, I guess. The dynamics and how we got together, I mean. I never stopped loving her and I guess from what your saying, she loved me from the beginning to. I just couldn't see it until now that you pointed it out. Wow! I freaking blew it!
Yes, I see now that I broke her heart and I want desperately to heal her wounds. I want my marriage and I want to value her and focus on her needs and not mine.
If I understand you correctly, you are asking to to totally let go of my hurt and how I "think" I was wronged and just love on her and heal her. Forget all of the rest and focus my energy on what I've done, only.
I'm in.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
She's doing all this "mean" stuff (consciously or not) not as a way to stick it to me because she's angry, but to get me to drop my wall and come after her.
Damn what a self centered SOB I am.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I don't think she has been trying to "stick it to you."
I honestly think if you both enter into marriage counseling you will find she has felt extremely unloved and believes you have not valued her feelings in this relationship.
I didn't know you have the wedding band of another woman tattooed on your ring finger.
Let me explain this tattoo from most people's perspective:
You can take off the wedding ring you married HER with...
...but your ex-wife's wedding ring stays on your finger forever.
That is quite a commitment you made to your ex-wife. You must have loved your ex-wife very much to make a commitment that has lasted this long.
The problem with tattooing your ex-wife's wedding ring on your finger is you can't modify it enough to satisfy your current wife. Some men try to modify the wedding ring tattoo by putting the current wife's initials on it so it becomes the "new wife's" wedding band and are surprised when this enrages the current wife.
The reason why it enrages the current wife is because it's not her ring. It's your ex-wife's ring. It is the same thing as wearing your former wedding band but scratching out your ex-wife's initials and replacing them with your current wife.
So, to put this in context, from her eyes...every day of your marriage you gave her the joy of looking at you wear the wedding band from your first marriage.
Don't you think that was a little annoying?
And before you start talking about how much you love her...stop.
If you honestly cared about her feelings you would have removed the wedding band. Without any question. Without a second thought. You cannot produce one good reason why she ever had to ask.
And, if your instinct is to explain to everyone why you couldn't remove your ex-wife's wedding tattoo-after you proposed to your current wife-so we will understand your side of the story...well...
I think that might explain how present you are in the marriage.
You have me in a corner. I have no valid excuse. Yes, it is annoying. A lot annoying, actually.
I will look into the time, process, and cost of having it removed tomorrow. I will add this to my amends list to her.
My wife has never mentioned it again since before we were married. She has mentioned plenty of other things.
"I honestly think if you both enter into marriage counseling you will find she has felt extremely unloved and believes you have not valued her feelings in this relationship" I know this to be true. Now, how do I heal the damage I have caused? (I fully understand the 12 step approach and I am working on it starting back at the beginning)
"I don't think she has been trying to 'stick it to you.' " I don't either anymore. You have been making that more and more clear the last few days. The statement was just reflecting back what I thought you've been trying to get me to see. I am totally rethinking my view of her. I now see her as someone that I have basically punched in the face and every action she has taken since then has been a self-preservation move or a cry out for me to see what I have done. To validate her pain and brokenness at my hands.
My sponsor and I are working towards the steps. I called him today and asked him to please help me do this a little quicker. The W seemed very interested in the fact I was working the steps several weeks back but my sponsor and I have been a little slow to connect on this. I am so tired of living this way. I am seeing my selfish, self-centered part in this. I'm seeing me, and I don't like what I see. I want to be the husband that my daughters think I am because I don't want them to marry a man like I am right now.
Hope, Thank you for helping me.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Removal: $60/session up to 7 sessions needed based on website photos. Making an appointment as soon as they open in the morning.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Had a very positive phone conversation with the wife this morning. She called to talk about her new job and such. I validated and encouraged. She also made a point of letting me know that she was training with a female as she was not sure yesterday which it would be. I didn't even ask or allude to but she acted as if she was answering the question anyway. She continues to talk in "us" and "we" phrases and I continue to try and not read to much into that. Very thankful to have this much. Small steps.
She is reaching out a little more each day. Enough that she has called or texted every single day, usually several times, since last Sunday just to reach out. I am mirroring and validating. No pursuing, no questions past what I might ask a neighbor.
Working on my moral inventory and thinking about how I am going to go about making amends so that it is 100% about me owning my stuff, making amends to her, and repairing the damage I have done and nothing else.
Any suggestions, tips, 2X4's welcome.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Catching up on your sitch ... looks like you have had a eureka type moment. I would pursue that tattoo removal, do not talk about it .. just do it. Sounds to me like you are on the right path, her talking and connecting with you about the job is a good thing. Connecting is the hardest part for me, and its tough when we can not pursue, so yes .. all we can do is mirror and looks like you are doing well there.
Thank you CG. I have a very long road ahead of me but I'm glad I finally see. I have prayed for clarity the last several days. I got Hope414 and much clarity. God IS good.
I have no plans of telling her or tricking her into noticing it or any other passive aggressive maneuver. I'm trying to figure out how to hide it, actually. It is not solely for her. Hope is right, I should have done it years ago at the very first question about it.
I haven't spoken to my ex in many years but last I heard she had had her's re-tattooed many times. Not for me anymore. I'm done with the whole tattoo thing and I'm done with her. I was husband number 3 for her, I think she is on number 7 now.
I'm married to the wife I want. So in some respects, I am a very lucky man.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
