Raliced - Climbing Without a Rope

[raliced]

I hear all of you. And honestly - she's probably ok. I gree that she's a symptom or at least a symbol to me. A lot of people on these boards say that your old marriage is dead - and I have always accepted that. I guess what this has brought into crystal clear focus to me is that my STBX is not the man he used to be either - and frankly this one is a liar with questionable judgement and I share kids with him

As to Lisa being around my kids - I think most of us can understand the primal reaction I am having. And truthfully- I almost hope it does work out between them, because the alternative is an endless parade of women in my kids lives - and at the moment that seems very possible (the one statistic that seems readily available is the dismal rate of success between affair partners).

I have to see him at pick up and drop off next week and then I get a break for two weeks because I'm taking the kids to Disneyland- I'm sure I'll be able to better control my negativity by then.

[shodan]

I am so sorry to read this. Hearing her name and this situation becoming more of a reality must be so hard. I have no advice for you except just a big hug.

[Little]

((HUG))

[Shakspr]

Whatever happened to shame? I am being serious. These MLC/WAS/affair-having spouses of ours seem to have none.

I'm sorry, but "keeping up appearances" isn't a phrase with 100% negative connotations.

rali, I'm with you. From the heart. Pray, meditate, do what you must. Do your best not to lose your cool.

You might consider, for now, not co-attending public events with H. If it's your time, and he shows, there's not much you can do. But I wouldn't spend time around him when I wasn't required to do so. Bringing the affair partner out in public before the marriage has had a chance to resolve naturally is classless. I know that's judgmental. I haven't done all the Boundaries study I want, but it seems that there are some ways to manage this without crushing your personal PMA.

[raliced]

Thanks Shakespr,

The truth is that I see H very rarely. If you added up all the time we have spent directly interacting with each other since BD - it would be less than 90 minutes in 3 months and we have had maybe 5-6 emails of substance. I coach soccer so I can't miss - and D6 needs him to come to her games - but last time (his first game) he didn't sit with any of the other parents. I really just have to keep my cool during the actual exchange which is very brief. I can do that. Yesterday was just a little too fresh.

We will need some sort of help to co-parent (counseling, etc). For example, right now the girls come back from his place completely exhausted and I have a terrible time getting them up for school in the morning - but I don't think we're in a place where we can even discuss this safely.

You know STBX is a cop. For years he has come home with stories about domestic situations he gets called to - and of course one of the frequent ones is people cohabiting with affair partners and exposing them to kids too early, and he has always been very judgemental about it. Its a sign of how far gone he is that he apparently thinks this doesn't apply to him.

[BklynMom]

I am so moved by your story and can relate to so much.

Do your best to be kind to yourself and treat yourself to little things.

Your h is a fool. A total complete fool.

You are not alone. We are here with you

[raliced]

Maybe I should move my thread to another board as I now seem to be moving into more divorce related stuff.

Went to STBXs attorneys to be served with papers today. Nothing too surprising. As he has mentioned several times he basically wanted to give me "everything" (not that there is much to split up).

He's asking for more visitation time - but not 50% which is a relief ( More like 70/30). There was an order that we maintain the current arrangement - so I had to email him and ask him for permission to take the girls to Disneyland since this is scheduled for his normal day and he responded "of course" and then said that they had made him fill it out that way and he had told them we would be able to work it out and that he would defer to me. We'll see - not holding my breath.

One item I found interesting - many of the papers were dated the day before he emailed me on the 8th asking if I was planning on filing.

Anyway...we're scheduled for mediation. Guess I should atually see if he wants to talk about it ahead of time.

[BklynMom]

The custody split effects the financials.

If your stbx is not gonna be available for much of his 30%. You should ask for full custody with visitation. This will help you financially in most states.

Don't short change you and your kids financially. Your stbx is deep in the fog of an affair and will totally misuse any money he has

[raliced]

Just feeling overwhelmingly sad tonight. I can deal with H choosing another woman over me and our life - I can deal with the altered finances but I cannot fathom the diminished time with my kids and the way their life will be- consantly shuttling between parents- and their tears just kill me.

[Shakspr]

raliced, this too shall pass. Your daughters are working through their grief in their own way. I know it's hard - try to think of it the same way a parent does when he or she first starts daycare and the kiddoes turn on the waterworks. Or the child goes to summer camp for the first time. It's a transition, and this is how they process the emotion. Love them, indulge them a little (but just a little!) Then keep working to make the best life possible. You are the lighthouse, an island in the storm.

Here's an old joke, often cited as a true story, but it's really an urban legend:

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

I, for one, choose to be the lighthouse.