Is this normal?

[Hoju]

I think you are asking a very important question and it's something you're going to need to work out for yourself, we are here for you with what ever you decide. If you're not ready to move on the don't, it's still fresh for you. Yes, everyone here has experienced exactly what you're feeling, often multiple times, daily. No it is not callous to throw in the towel, she pushed you into this, you didn't choose it. The choice of when or if to stop fighting is entirely up to you.

You're going to hurt no matter what you do. You've just lost a loved one, you will need time to grieve that loss.

Part of the point of GAL and detaching is so you don't go insane waiting. This is why it's so important you are doing things for you and not for her, as cadet said. If you like swing dance and it's something you want to do then great but if your just doing it to try and get her to notice or make her jealous you wont be happy.

I know it's hypocritical of me to say this since I struggle with the exact same things so much in my sitch.

[elltee2]

Hoju, you and Cadet are right.

While I grieve I have to GAL, and protect my finances. A part of me feels as thought I should move on and another still believes that M's are supposed to be forever so I should do my part. My wife straight out told me that when she woke up on her 23rd bday she was like "What the hell? This is my house? How did I get here? I'm way too young for this life." Several months of decision making and heard work lead up to that. It's not like we sent an email and voila-mortgage.

The swing dancing is a fun GAL task, while I continue Crossfit and tanning. I know tanning is bad but it makes me look and feel better in moderation. I know for sure that I need to move on and regardless of her agenda, I just can't open myself up to losing so much I have worked so hard for. The D will really protect me in the end.

It's just killing me that I married the perfect woman and she turned into someone else. She just freaked out. But I doubt I'll ever see the version of her that I married ever again. It's scary how people can just change like that.

[elltee2]

I was finally starting to feel ready to move on, until I received the joint petition for divorce in the mail...it got kicked back. We moved from MA to another state which has a 1 year residency requirement for D. That means we cannot file for divorce in our new state until June, and we also cannot file in any other state.

I called her to let her know and she still wants to go forward with everything. The law is that way so we can work things out...so why don't we try? I didn't even bring that up. She just basically said the legal aspect is a technicality-this is a breakup and things are just over. We can both move on and do our own thing until the legal part is official.

It is still just so horrifying to me that WAW is shut down to this extent. She just said that she is dropping by the house next week for a night to get some stuff. I told her that if she wants to move on and date that's fine and at first shes like "why are you saying that" but sounded like she was smiling...there's got to be an A but I just can't afford to care about it. Anyway she told me to do the same. It's just so crazy to me. The sudden change. Even in breakups people tend to linger a bit afterward because they're lonely. None of that here.

No idea where she's staying and know because of DB not to ask. I feel dispensable but know that probably isn't my fault. She thinks the grass is greener-whatever. Just need to keep up with the detaching and 180's. It's still a terrible terrible feeling, though. She says its all because the house and dogs/responsibility. How bad can it be? I do it fine by myself. Ugh.

[Cadet]

If you get a chance watch the history of the relationship between Kate Middleton and Prince William.

They broke up prior to marriage and Kate got on with her life and acted "as if" and the next thing you know William wanted her back.

Trying to FIX your marriage is not going to work right now.

Take a lesson from Kate, who must have read DB/DR cause she executed it perfectly.

The rest of what your W says is all script.

[elltee2]

Cadet,
So I am doing the right thing to just move on, be supportive of her desire to run for the hills and pretend it doesn't hurt? It feels fake putting on such an act but DB advises it, and it appears as though a lot of people have had success with either fixing their M or just moving on and finding fulfillment after D.

Easier said than done. But I'm definitely trying very hard! So far so good. Thanks for your support-it helps.

[Hoju]

Welcome to the rollercoaster elltee, one minute everything is great and you are moving forward, the next your crashing down asking why and how. Personally its taken me about 3 months to finally get off the ride. Best you can do is fake it until you make it and you will make it.

[Bunches]

I don't know that you need to support her idea to move on. I wouldn't go around saying you approve of her seeing other people. That just tells her your okay with how things happened. From what I've read on other posts you just don't give your thoughts on this, but don't lie and say you think she should see other people.

There is no telling how long it takes to get off the rollercoaster. In my opinion it depends on how much snooping you do and how often you interact with each other. I always start to do well until I end up around W for a few hours for a day and then fall back onto the rollercoaster.

[elltee2]

I'm honestly 95% sure she already is so it was the only way to not look bad. Nomatter what I say, she is going to do her thing. She deleted almost everything off her social media and really tightened her security settings. Also have no clue where she is staying...guessing it's with OM. All of my friends have told me she's up to something.

Eh, maybe you're right. I just don't know. But once the honeymoon phase with OM is over I need to brace myself for her attempting to come back/getting greedy. I genuinely thought it would never ever come to this.

[Bunches]

I'm not a vet but what I have learned in my year since BD is to truly not form expectations about what can or will happen. I thought 6 months in when my W learned that OM didn't care about her and just used her for PA, cheating on his W that she didn't know about, that she would be really upset for a while and then re consider her sitch. That didn't happen and at every turn I've let myself believe too strongly in favorable possibilities that just get my hopes up and keep me thinking about what is happening with her. If what you do to 180 and GAL hinges on a reaction from her or the hope that things will begin to change to save your M, you will not find yourself happier from them. When everyone here tells you your changes have to be for you and not for her....believe it.

I never believed my W would have an A, but it happened. You need to find a way to get your focus off her and onto how to improve your life regardless of her. I know how natural it is to think if only... or maybe if we just talked and I explained.... It doesn't work that way. Whatever is broken is in her mind and she will have to work that out. If you don't learn to get your focus off her (which I admit is unbelievably hard) then you will trail your misery on until that changes.

[elltee2]

Okay so I sent her an email about logistics for the separation/divorce because of this morning's discovery that we may have to wait until June. Here's what I wrote and would love feedback:

"Sorry for the bad news this morning, but I will continue to ask around. Hopefully we can find a way to do it sooner and get the process over with, if you still feel strongly that's what you want. As you know, I still want to work through things but will continue to respect your decision to forgo the attempt.

At some point we are going to have to sit down and discuss how we are going to handle the separation/divorce process. Here are some of my questions and concerns so far if you still want to proceed;

Separation
What are your plans for this?
What are the expectations/rules if any? I think we discussed that we are both theoretically single and are free to date whoever-are you positive? Or should we wait a bit. Open to discussion here, but would appreciate ground rules and clarity.
I need some help financially. Your bills were the sewer, gas, furniture, cable, groceries and my car. Although I have been paying the car, it has been a bit of a struggle, especially since I am on my own for the groceries too. Can we compromise here? I think it is fair because I am going to make another year of mortgage payments and you're entitled to half so...we should discuss.
Are you planning on helping at all with the house or dogs?

Divorce
What do you want in the divorce?
Do you have any comments or concerns.

Thanks. Please shoot me an email back when you get the chance or we could sit down and discuss. Hope you're feeling better.

I thought it was honest and to the point. Thoughts? Thanks for the support, everyone.