Fresh separation - trying to play by the book

[Mozza]

rppfl - Thanks a lot. It's actually an interesting solution, even if she wants to choose someone else.

Zimmy - Thanks a lot for your kind words of support. I agree that there's something happening with my W for which I'm not responsible, but I feel like I have more to blame on myself than you, and I'll get back to this very soon.

BV-2: Thanks a lot for your advice. I'm good at STFU, but I feel I have to get to the next step and that's the hardest. It probably goes through some introspection, which is what I need to focus on right now.

LisaB: Thanks for all the reminders of what is the right path. I feel like I'm on it, but that it's very painful and hard. I really appreciate the advice about the upcoming lunch meeting. I'll need more!

[Mozza]

Last night, I searched for the words "I love you" in my emails with my W. The last time she wrote it to me was in July, when she was traveling and I was going through a low. The last time I wrote it to her was for our anniversary in February...

Most importantly, I found an email from April where she laid out all that she needed from me. It was very painful to read, because she said there all that she needed for me to wake up and I didn't. Here's the gist of it.

WIFE
I've been meaning to tell you: your actions have real consequences. Your careless attitude with me hurts me. I feel even less valued and important to you. Why is it that I ask stupid questions that make you snap? How come I haven't learned to think or respond better? That's what your reactions tell me. I'm not a good person, my questions and reasoning are naive and stupid. You hurt me: you don't take care of me when you act like this. And me, I need it. I need to feel that you love me, that you show me, that you tell me too. At least, that you don't make me feel so bad. And yes, I take it very seriously: I'm an emotional person who's honest with my emotions. So when I'm telling you that I feel bad when you do me wrong, it's true.

I suffer. I'm alone and I don't feel your support. There. I had to tell you and I want you to tell me that you hear me, that you will try to be kinder to me.

I'm starting a therapy to feel better. You're one of the things that bring sadness in my life. I love you but I think we're not a good couple at the moment. It has to change. I want us to make each other happy. I don't want to be a source of stress and sadness for each other. I want us to support each other openly.

This is a heavy burden. I had to tell you before you go on your trip tomorrow. It's important.

Thanks for listening.

ME
I read you. I'm sorry I hurt you. I don't have an immediate answer and I won't have one before I leave -- I'm not sure I understand the link with my trip. You still imagine I'm telling you you're stupid, the cycle goes on... I really don't know what to tell you. You know I'm with my parents right now and that I ignore them at the moment to reply. Still, it's ok to tell me. Ideally, we should find a good moment to discuss this in person.

How could she have been any clearer? Her message is perfect. It's what she needed to say and what I needed to hear, yet I didn't. I barely acknowledged her call and made her feel guilty for saying it at the wrong moment. I can read that the kind words were pried out of me and weren't soothing one bit. I can't imagine her reading this and feeling any better, heard. In my weak defense, I was at my D6's show with my parents at the time, but even in replying quickly, I could have been much kinder. Of course, we never set a time to have said discussion.

I share this here because I want to be honest about the reasons that lead to my painful separation. I've a lot to answer for. I sowed the wind, I reap the whirlwind. I just don't know how I can dig myself out of that whole.

Zimmy: After reading this, you'll understand better why I can't blame my separation on my wife's "craziness".

[LisaB]

Hi Mozza, ooh rppfl has a good suggestion. I'd go with listen and validate, then say there is nothing wrong with current godparents (not stridently but just calmly state it) and if she still puts up a fuss go with rppfl's suggestion. Genius. Compromise.

I'm no doctor, but the symptoms you listed don't really sound like a serious disease to me. I'd say these behaviors are typical for the WAS. She does sound like maybe she might have some issues with anxiety or ADHD, accounting for the hyper talking and insomnia. But does it even matter? There is NOTHING you can do about it. Even if you are 100% right that she is bipolar, telling her that will just drive her away. You cannot get her to see your perspective at this time.

My WAH also did a lot of stupid and crazy things around BD. He is starting to mellow out after a few months. The fog drives them to crazytown... try to let it go. If you want to think of her as bipolar or ill or completely insane, go ahead, it may help you to deal with the wacky behavior. But it's pretty much a waste of your time to obsess on it as there is nothing you can do about it now.

Good luck Mozza! When is your lunch?

Hugs, Lisa

[Mozza]

Thanks a lot Lisa. You're right, I've no evidence that W has hypomania. And you're even righter that I couldn't do anything about it. I wouldn't. I think I explore this idea as part of my efforts to understand what happened and what's happening now. In fact, thinking she has hypomania could help me keep my distances, as it's a different, medical way to say that she can't be reasoned with at the moment. Whatever keeps me on the DB path...

I suggested lunch next Wednesday or Thursday but she hasn't replied. We met for one minute this morning to exchange the kids' suitcase. I had trouble sleeping because of the anticipation... It went well. I noticed her new coat, she noticed my new scarf and that I smell nice. We weren't sure about kissing before going our separate ways, like two strangers. We did, on the cheeks of course.

[Mozza]

GAL - I spent the weekend out of town, with a dear friend. We went mountain biking, having drinks, eating out, driving and walking around. I spent a lot of time speaking about my sitch, but strangely it's what makes me feel good.

I registered for another one of my GAL activities: mentoring. Let's see if they need me. It sounds like a great way to feel useful and meet new people. It's something I've been meaning to do for years and never took the time.

I started reading The Little Prince, to find inspiration about how to treat people.

Working on myself - I'm ashamed to admit that, but I had filmed an argument with my W this summer. I thought she was constantly contradicting herself and wanted to keep a record. Filming didn't help calm things down, of course... Well, now I have the video as a witness of our dynamic. I checked 4-5 minutes of it (20 minutes) this week-end. It's too hard to see, much like the email above. I see all that we were doing wrong and wish we could do it all over again.

In August, my wife told me I had an anger management problem when I slammed a door. I thought she was exaggerating, but as part of my efforts to explore all of her criticisms, I decided to at least read about it. The little I've done has already been enlightening. I thought it was about violent people screaming, but the range extends to silent, sulking people, with all that's in between.

Interactions - The kids are with her for a 3rd week (we alternate every week) and I asked if I could have the kids for dinner on Monday, like the other two weeks (she never did the same). She said no because it's her week and the kids are happy with her. It crushed me. I'm doing it for D3 because I've been told by a helpline that 7 days at a time is long for them. I feel sad that her needs might not be met and that I'll see them even less now.

She still hasn't replied if we meet for lunch on Wednesday or Thursday. I've made plans for Wednesday in the meantime. I won't send a reminder: she's the one who had offered to meet, the ball is in her court.

We met on Friday to exchange the kids' suitcase. It was just a minute. I commented on her new coat (she also had a new dress but it could hardly see it under her coat). She commented on my new scarf and noticed that I smell good (cologne is back - she had bought it for me and I had stopped wearing it in the last 2 years). At the end, both of us didn't know if we should kiss. We did and this time I only air kissed her while she gave me a real kiss on the cheek. Receive 10, give 9 back.

Also, all this talk about losing the love of your life etc - I find it just doesn't help to think that way. The sitch is hard enough without that. Just keep telling yourself, it's early days. I'll get through this etc.

Excellent point. I torture myself thinking how much I love her and all the things we've done together. My brain goes there without my consent, but I always come back battered. I like the idea of focusing on what I'll do instead. And that I'll get through it.

[Mozza]

HELP!

My W is suggesting to schedule the lunch tomorrow (Tuesday). Last week, I had offered Wednesday or Thursday and since then I made other plans for Wednesday.

I don't know if she does it on purpose, but she constantly contradicts me on the rare things I dare to suggest. Yesterday, I asked that we use a bigger suitcase (in her possession) for the kids and she just said no, use a plastic bag if the suitcase is too small. I asked to have the kids tonight just for dinner (like we did the other weeks) and she said no, it's my week and they're happy with me. Now I offer Wednesday-Thursday and she replies with Tuesday.

My friend thinks she doesn't try to contradict or upset me. She doesn't care about me, period. She does appear to be in a state where she's not in the mood to make any compromise with me. I feel she is testing my limits, but perhaps it's innocent.

Something tells me I should stick to my guns, say I'm now busy on Wednesday and offer Thursday.

I'm slightly afraid she'll postpone to next week if I stick to Thursday. I much prefer having the lunch this week because she has the kids, so I'll be more rested than her.

I'm an emotional mess today. Not detached at all. Random memories of our years together pop in my head and swell my eyes. Lows mean there are highs on the horizon. But I've no way of knowing how I'll feel tomorrow or Thursday.

[Little]

My gut says pick your battles. Do Tuesday. Be gracious and tell her that's fine..

Then gird your loins and shore up your emotions. This is not a hill to die on.

[jim0987]

It depends whether Tuesday is a problem for you or not. If its not there is no point disagreeing over it.

[Mozza]

I decided to push for Thursday. I had never offered Tuesday anyway and it made me feel like a pushover to accept her offer outside of my proposal. She replied: "It should work, yes. Let's keep in touch." She makes me feel like a second choice, but at least it suggests she doesn't have anything important to tell me! Thanks for the advice, Little and jim0987: it helped me realize what I really wanted to tell her (though following our intuition seems to rarely pay off around here...)

I feel my W and I are still weeks or months away from having normal discussions, where she has worked through a few things and I'm more emotionally capable, so I've no expectations for this lunch. This being said, I need help to prepare for it!

[Mozza]

Went to see my therapist today. He's from the psychoanalytic branch (Freudian) so we got talking about my parents, anger, guilt, etc. When I told him I was concerned about my wife's safety, he said I should be angry at her instead. That my way to express anger was to repress it and extend concerned, sympathy. Even in the email exchange above, he thinks I repressed anger, to my detriment. It took me by surprise because I feel I've expressed too much anger at my W, which lead to the separation. We're not done with his.

I mention this because seeing a therapist brings a completely different perspective. He's not really interested in getting me back with W -- he has no power and not enough information anyway. He's only interested in my issues. It sounds like the right path, to work on myself rather than obsess about my W. Food for thought if you've been considering meeting with a therapist.