[onyi]

First, excuse for my mistakes, but English is not my native language.
Shortly about us: We are together for 28, married for 20 years, no kids.
We have the same profession (doctors), met as beginner colleagues. Later we chose different specialities and went to work at different workplaces. We always respected each other’s professional qualities, shared problems, and helped each other a lot. Eight years ago we bought a hillside house in a peripheral area of a small town next to the city and moved there (40 min driving to workplace). We were the best friends, spent all free time and do everything together, sports, daily hiking of one hour to the nearby hill walking dogs, cultural activities, etc. Perhaps too much time together, but she has an introverted personality, has no close friends to do things with. Before we met, I had a wide circle of friends (a type of religious scout group which was illegal at that time in our country), a monthly party of tarokk (old fashioned play card). I tried to introduce her, but she as a non-Christian felt not to fit. She preferred to be just two of us, as she said we were the best companion to each other.
In the last couple of weeks things changed, she often felt hurt about things which seemed unimportant to me. The last extreme example: Meeting in a theater, I gladly greeted my best friend and his wife. Back home in the car she started crying, that this clearly revealed for her the order of importance, she only is the second, as I was never so happy about meeting her. I was really frightened.
Two days later she announced, that she wants out, because she is not happy in our relationship. She gave reasons (later about it), bat the whole thing seemed totally nonsense, so I asked if she had an OM. First she denied, but then admitted to having an affair. Next day she left, and moved in her apartment in the city where we lived before. Now she is busy seeing the OM. Perhaps not doing the daily routines of life, but spending most of the nights together.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[blndsid]

What Cadet said. . .

As you may have noticed, you're not alone. While you wait a day or two for your posts to show up (moderation) take a look at the other situations on the board. There will be several similar to yours that can help get you started.

For goodness sake, no begging or crying to her.

Good luck, God bless.

[onyi]

She insisted that her leaving is independent of the OM, putting all the blame for the affair on me, quoting the old saying: nothing happens without reason.
The given reasons:
1.I have changed in the last two years became aggressive, arrogant, lacked intimacy. Only partly true. I had some physical and mental problems in the last year in series, benign, minor, but annoying medical conditions, making walking, driving, and even sitting painful. These maid me anxious, hypochondriac, fearing form a fatal illness. (I have never had similar before, perhaps MLC). Though I understood the psychic aspect of these, it was difficult to get rid of the fear despite the reassuring results of detailed medical tests arranged by my wife. It made me avoid making love for almost a year, but not prevented from being intimate, or affectionate otherwise. Lately I get through, but it was too late. My fault, that I stopped complaining, got self absorptive, didn’t explain to my wife, so she may have interpreted my behavior as lack of attraction and love. Now, that I explained, she said that it is a sign of lack of trust, which is even a more convincing reason to leave. She claimed that I only developed these problems on purpose in order to avoid her.
2. Rarely complimented her. True, but I felt, mistakenly, that she is not interested. To get attraction, she acted childish, used a sort of baby-talk rather than the usual seducing behavior women generally do.
I did not notice any other changes of my personality. We have minor arguments of course. I rarely got impatient, mostly in response to her unjustified (at least I felt so) criticism, but never even elevated my voice. In sake of peace, I always apologized in an affectionate way in a few minutes, even if I was convinced she is not right. (never occurred the other way around). When I pointed that sometimes she was much more hurting (yelling, swearing, hitting, biting) for some mess I left, she answered, that she always had a short temper, I knew it from the beginning, accepted it, so I have nothing to blame her for.
3.She felt as a slave, the household chores were overwhelming, and I didn’t take my part. Partly true. She is a perfectionist at work and at home as well, who is hard to keep up with. I did the typical jobs of men, fitting things, major part of garden works, even constructing furniture on her request, maintaining the pool, etc. but not participate the in house works. When I mentioned that I never was hesitating doing things she asked for, always offered my help in chores such as washing up dishes, vacuum cleaning, but she refused saying she likes doing them, she said that I was too easy to be turned down. Only thing I was allowed to dust the furniture. My work was followed by criticism, I was too quick, she would find some left behind dust somewhere under a piece of furniture. No problem, I took as a joke, went over again, but it did not make me too inspired. Many times suggested that we should hire a gardener, cleaner, but she didn’t want allow a stranger in our house. Now says it would have been a blame not to be able to keep the house all by herself. Don’t understand, her mother, my parents, all our neighbors hired some help, and we could afford. She even accuses me of not doing tasks that I always did and she never.
I always felt loved, never could imagine she would ever cheat on me. I mentioned that she doomed spouses who cheated on their partners. For this reason she terminated our connection with a friend couple. She answered that she can’t be compared with that woman. Short before leaving, she sought advice of a former university mate, who has her third husband, was and is cheating on all of them. She domed her before too, now says, how empathetic she is, while I am in lack of any empathy.
Seeing other people divorcing around, only a few months ago she said: they are in their second or third marriage in our age, while we love each other more than ever, and she can’t live without me. When I asked why she told this, said because it was true. Her love is the same, not her, it is me, who changed. (again, in the last year of 28)

[Cadet]

Do you know anything about depression?

I might suggest you read up on it.

For her and for you.

[onyi]

Hi Cadet,
Thank you for your time and attention reading my post.
You are right, I may have had a mild secondary depressive episode.
After struggling alone for a few weeks, not sleeping, not eating, loosing weight, crying, praying aloud, I reached out for help.
Fortunately my best friend a psychiatrist-psychologist, who often deals with similar marital problems. He knows me and my wife.
He put me on a low dose antidepressant planned for 6 months, some sleep pills, and we have frequent therapeutic talks. He says he is my supporting friend I am in need of, and not my psychiatrist. Now I am through the acute phase.

[onyi]

Now about the OM, which may give some insight to potentially important aspects of our situation.
The father of my wife left family with an OW and went abroad at her age of 6. So she grew up without father. She felt, that only way she could support her mother is being perfect in everything. Later in the elementary school in her early teens, she had a young teacher, the only one I know by name. With this teacher they did several off school activities, e.g. excursions, visiting museums, playing the recorder. She always referred to this time as her happiest period of life. The children admired him. My wife in the latest times was still proud having been his favorite student, making other girls jealous.
This man met my wife once in a few years as his old student. Lately they met accidentally; he invited her for a night out for conversation. She learned that he had divorced, and had been lonely since then. More meeting (I was told that together with other old schoolmates) and intensive e-mailing followed, and he visited my wife in our house while I was away for work on the weekend. When I asked her, she told that he only is his former teacher, just an old man (about ten years older than me), who no way can affect our relationship. Naively, I believed, and thought, my wife might take as a compliment my expression of being jealous. Later coming across the photos in her left behind cellphone and examining their time stamps, recognized that they got physical early in their relationship, and they spent times together, when I was told my wife was away for work. It only took two months from the beginning for my wife to totally change her mind about us, and walk away.
I don’t know, whether it is a pathologic relationship based on her father issue, or both wanting to revive their youth, which I can get hope from, or on the contrary, a deep rooted connection with long perspective.

[onyi]

In the first few weeks, I committed all the typical mistakes, begged, promised, cried, took all the blame, and apologized. Then after some reading, I stopped initiating contact, stopped bringing up the questions of our relationship. Now, she gives me a call almost every day, with the stereotypical question: What`s the new. The conversations are short, and I cannot compete with her to finish the call. She visits me every weekend. We talk as if the OM didn`t exist.
I try to improve myself, I do everything around the house (no choice). When she is around, I serve her, cook, serve up the meal, wash the dishes etc. This improvement would would`ve required only a word of her while we were together. Regarding the other aspects of necessary improvement I am uncertain. Showing her attention, love, compliments would contradict the DB principles, and showing love despite the way she treats me may destroy her respect for me.
On the other hand, one of the blames is my emotional detachment, so in my further detachment she may see more justification.
I would appreciate any advice on this.

[Card29]

If she is still seeing OM, you are not going to win her love back by fulfilling her emotional needs. Her love bank is CLOSED to you while that is going on. I see that you registered here a while ago. I don't know how much time you've woent on here since you only have 5 posts so far, but spend lots of time reading other threads. I promise there is nothing terribly unique about your sitch and you can learn more from other threads than you can from your own, usually.

My sitch is not identical to yours, but here is some really good advice that board vet sandi2 gave me last week:

The point I want to make with all who are LBS is that when you have a spouse who has walked away from you.......they are not asking or wanting your assurance of faithfulness or unconditional love. Unless it was YOUR unfaithfulness that happens to be the issue......then why on earth make a to-do about it to her? In most cases, it is the WAS unfaithfulness that has become an issue.......not the LBS. (The majority of WAS's are wayward spouses.....and IMO, sets them apart from the stereo image of what most of us have about a WAS. Perhaps another subject at another time.). It has become an issue that the WAS no longer feels in love or sexually attracted..........not the LBS. You are trying to prove something to them that they don't want or no longer care about. The only sliver of caring is when they don't want to see you interested in somebody else. They don't want you.....but they don't want anyone else to have, either. So now you're going to assure them they have nothing to worry about? Or.....they want their freedom but have family time at their convenience, too. But the LBS gets this all mixed up with their own neediness and thinks the WAS is showing some kind of "sign" or baby steps. Nothing could be further from the truth. Oh, and let's not forget my favorite one.........how the LBS thinks being the WAS's best friend will win them back. When the LBS is the man, I see very little chance with that move. There could be a little more leverage if the WAS is male.......b/c of how the two sexes are wired (and I don't mean sexually). But it all come down to the same cake eating. As long as they can eat cake, why should anything change? They get the best of both worlds. What could be better?

The WAS usually has to experience some type of "loss" that shakes them to their very core before they reverse their direction and start coming out of the fog or their waywardness. As long as the LBS is reassuring the WAS that they have lost nothing and will lose nothing regardless of their actions.......why on earth do you think they would change their minds? B/c they love you? Nope! B/c you love them? Hell no! B/c you are so good and faithful? Again, no! So stop with all the proclaiming and professing.......b/c in the eyes of the WAS, it just makes you look foolish. Frankly, they become even less interested and feel more turned off than ever.

The WAS should be concerned that they could be replaced and you will find somebody else. They should be concerned that their terrible actions has killed your love. They should be womdering what you are going to do! They should miss out on family times. They should get a taste of life without you. Isn't that what they wanted? They should not get to keep your friendship. Being a BFF is not a consolation prize.

Most of the posts I have read over the years clearly show the LBS has no clue as to how the WAS thinks. It is usually completely opposite from what the LBS thinks it is. They don't walk away (emotionally or physically) b/c they want you to prove your love, do more domestic chores, help with the kids more, or like their family better, whatever. Those things may have been an issue at some time during the M, but let me make this clear.........the actions it once would have taken for you to get the MR back on track won't work at this point. Why? B/c now it's complicated. You are no longer M to the same person. They have changed. They think differently, and more importantly, they see YOU differently.....and it ain't good. So what you might have done during the time they "wanted" it ......won't work now. They no longer want it. They no longer care.

One last word, the WAS doesn't want to hear any of it. That's why talking doesn't work at this time. None of it works until they are remorseful for their waywardness, and willing & ready to commit to the M and do whatever necessary to succeed. Then when piecing begins, you can have the R talks and do all these other things you thought would work, and didn't. It is all about timing. Doing what works is all about the timing.

[onyi]

Thank You Card29. Sandi`s quoted advice is very wise and gives me a new insight into the thinking of unfaithful WAWs.
I tried to detach, and didn’t initiate calls for weeks, but W gives me a call almost every day to check on me. Though I have been avoiding, today she provoked an R talk. She wondered if I don’t call her because of my proud. She complained that our conversations were very short. (Though she is cold, and mostly it is she who hangs up before I have the chance to) Said, that she needs my friendship and the talks with me. Said, she was convinced I need them too, because I am lonely. I said she surely knew what I would like, but she responded she couldn’t help in that, she had another life. I said I didn’t need her pity. She blamed me for my depression/anxiety and health issues over the last year, which, she claimed, I used against her. She blamed my psychiatrist friend for not taking my case seriously enough when W asked his help, and not putting me on antidepressants at that time. I responded that during such a difficult period from a loving W I would’ve expected support, not the opposite. She claimed I was never open for talks about innermost feelings. I said, that being walked on and left behind, I don’t think this the appropriate situation to be open up and be friends. At that point I couldn’t help to start crying and ended the call.
I am not sure I handled the situation in accord with DB principles. Should I ask her not to call me while (perhaps never) OM is in the picture? I don’t know if I caused a backsliding of my position, or I was anywhere at all to fall back from.