Definitely great advice. I'm definitely not seeking to have convos with her. This seemed like a good time to say a few things to her, however, and I really think I delivered a solid message. I resisted every opportunity to argue with her or call out her thinking, which is basically BS at this point. I made no assessments or judgments of what she plans to do, nor did I point out that she really has no plan at all. I didn't argue with her when she said she has an "emotional connection", she still can't directly reference OM to me, which I take as a good sign somehow, and I did not refer to him at all. I merely told her that I was working on myself, and I do believe she sees those changes as genuine and is happy to see them. She even said "I love you, I believe in you, you are going to do good, and you will always have me." I realize that hearing that is a lot more than others here get from their WAS, so I can be grateful.
Where I am obviously still miles from my goal is: she needs to somehow reuse that she is going to lose ME. I have no idea how to send this message aside from continuing all of my DB efforts that are working, and being much better at not bailing her out with support when she needs it. Otherwise I am stuck. The holidays are coming and I suspect we are just going to "act normal" thru them. Her family astounds me. They have just disappeared. I usually see a ton of her family over thanksgiving/Xmas, we have all sorts of regular annual traditions. As of now, I'm planning on attending these, powering thru with max PMA, enjoying the time with them (we all get along) and my kids, and maybe just maybe they see a better picture of what is going on here.
I had to work late today, and W grumbled a bit that it would cut into her study time. She is starting to get stressed with due dates for assignments coming up, and I sensed her trying to put that on me, even though she's been going out plenty of nights to supposedly do work. I said I would be home as soon as possible and that I'm fine with her taking whatever time she needs. Just trying to stay out of her way. When I got home, she left without taking her bag of books or the laptop. So incredibly in the fog! I'm planning for a hectic morning without her.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
As i'd planned for, W did not return home this morning. same ish different day.
Am I right to just make peace with "doing nothing" right now? I'm focused on what I need to do. I am doing some gigs this weekend, so I'm sure she sees this as getting her time in.
Wish I knew when this A would run its course. I know its constrained somewhat by its relative secrecy. W and OM cant really do too much publicly. He cant come over here. Ws friends might accept him but I dont see them doing too much together. Ws family wouldnt want to meet him or welcome him right now. I know I shouldnt focus on this, I just wonder when it will hit this dope (this duck?) that something about this just isnt right.
From our convo a few nights ago, I sense her just dangling in the wind right now. Hoping for a stiff wind soon.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Kids in bed, another night alone with my thoughts. Wondering today if my W is truly capable of love, at least right now. Near the end of our talk the other night, she said "ten years is a lot of time". Is that it? Has she just run out? Is she so closed off, that I know her too well for her to feel comfortable with me? Is she only able to be romantic with people who have just met her, and pour adoration on her, as I did when we first met? (And still did until recently, I would say) is she only able to feel safe with someone who hasn't fully come to understand her yet? Will she just do this over and over again for the rest of her life?
All dark questions. She said over and over early on that she still feels close to me, doesn't want to lose me as a friend, wants to be with me for the rest of her life, just not "with" me. Is that just the way it is? The ten years comment really gets me, as if she's just run out of love. I want to promise her that the love I will give her if she comes back will be better than ever. But I can't.
Just feeling lonely tonight. Making myself a nice dinner and early to bed.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
OMG - my ex used almost the exact same script - we are too much alike, has a deep connection with the OW, etc. My fiance told me that this is "not about me - he just wants something different" after 8 years together. (Funny how this perspective only came up when he met the OW.) Are these guys all drinking from the same Kool-aid? This is nuts. I am so sorry you are dealing with this crazy behavior like me. Any ideas of what she found so appealing about starting the affair in the first place?
Please check out my thread if you can - I think our situations have a lot in common, except you seem to be much more poised than me and I can't help but lose it sometimes when he says these awful, irrational, selfish things.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
Thanks zimmy, I have been reading your thread, I will take a look and see if I can offer my perspective. Sometimes I feel like I do t give very good advice here!
If I seem poised, it's only because I have already made it through what I hope is the absolute worst of this. The first month after BD was hell. I am not ashamed to say I even felt somewhat suicidal. This made me realize how serious I needed to take things, however, and I have made some solid progress since then. Finding the books and this forum, reading about affair fog, etc, really gave me the tools I needed to make sense of this. Also getting in with an IC and back on ADs was crucial. I think I have shocked my W with how quickly I turned around.
It's sadly comforting to know that I'm not the only one hearing these things. I try to look for the kernels of truth in everything my wife says. When she says "were too similar", I think that's her way of acknowledging the marital issues we share, that we would need to address together. I agree with her that we have problems in common. In general however, and especially right now, we could t be more DISsimilar.
About her affair: I honestly don't think she was actively pursuing one. We were having a stressful summer, she was distancing herself from me, checking out around the house a great deal, and I was withdrawing my love languages out of resentment (of course I had NO IDEA I was doing this until I read DR many months too late). I think she went out with a friend, met a guy, they hit it off and she wanted to fool around with him and started rewriting our R right there on the spot. On e it happened, she had to retroactively justify it by convincing herself our R must already be over. A week later we are at dinner and she's trying to sell me on it. We just stay in the house and start sleeping around, everybody's happy right? Wrong. 3 months later, here I am.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Wow - that is almost exactly what I think happened to my fiance - he met a woman on a plane who stroked his ego and made him feel good, and then he started to rewrite our life and history to justify his actions.
Very similar. Except my fiance now wants out so he can pursue the OW and this other life? And there is nothing I can do to stop him.
How are you feeling now?
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
She has no doubt that you love her. That is precisely why she takes you for granted. Do you think for a second that she would "want to be friends" if you were the WAS? It's just like an old pair of shoes, u take them for granted but when you can't find them or someone throws them away suddenly you realize what they meant to you. Be the shoes! Prayin for us! Also are y'all still intimate? Go on dates?
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
I'm continually surprised by just how similar a lot of the stories are at their root. But that gives me hope because in some ways it makes it slightly sciency.
I Agree with bravo - you take for granted what you've got and then your head is turned and off they trot. Im willing to bet that you would say you took your other half for granted until they walked away.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
No we are not intimate. Her sitting on my lap the other day was the closest we have been in physical contact for months. It hurt like hell. No dates, no quality time spent together at all really.
She left when I got home last night and is a no show again this morning.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
While taking boys to school today I found another parking ticket in the car. From yesterday. Same location. Third one. Time stamped 1130 am, when she should have been at work. I just paid our babysitter for the week, so that W can be at work instead of home with baby, and she's not going to work and racking up parking tickets. She is completely out of her mind.
I want to confront t her with the ticket and ask why she wasn't at work. This is out of control. I just keep rolling over.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
