Just saw your post. Here are a few other things I was doing.
I would react with frustration and have angry outbursts with W and boys. I have been working with my pastor on this and have only had a couple sli ups in the last 3 months. Of course she throws it right back at me and says it brings her right back to how it was. She has said that she sees me working on this and it has been better. My boys have noticed it to.
I also was not the leader of our family and allowed her to assume that role. I am working on that and have set some bounderies and stood my ground. She got upset initially but I think she respects me for standing up for myself and has conceded a few things to me.
Of course she throws it right back at me and says it brings her right back to how it was.
Pay very close attention to these words. If she says it takes her back to how it was, then it is something you must eliminate completely. "A couple of slip-ups" is still failure. If you have eliminated 95% of your outbursts, you are not 95% improved, as far as how it affects your W. It is probably only a slight improvement for her, and if you keep having slip ups, you will continue to endanger your M with this aspect of your behavior. Keep digging and make 100% control, 100% of the time the one and only goal.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
The gym has helped me alot (cant sleep anyways...up at 4am). My wife has seen a db councelor (Denise) I will talk with Denise today. I find that the W is confused and filled with guilt over this. She has "detached" from me sexally and passionatly and looks at other (remarried or OP) and wishes that for her and me....this could be your wifes issue also. For me it is a waiting game. She has stated that she thinks seperation is the key for her in which I reply that we can get her a apartment across the street...to which she says no (she doesn't want to look like the one that is not trying in front of the kids). However that is the only option I will accept. She has a emotional attatchment (I believe) with a OM, however I do not think he sees it. Lots of pain right now, much love for her and my kids. All I can do is wait and show her and the kids that I have changed and support her (difficult cause I do resent the fact that she is considering S and the OM). Anyone have thoughts on my refusal to move out?
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
" I have been working with my pastor on this and have only had a couple sli ups in the last 3 months. Of course she throws it right back at me and says it brings her right back to how it was."
She's right. 3 months and you still blew up is a failure. 3 months you are doing "better" and you expect her to see that you've made a life change? Doesn't work that way. You have to earn that back from her.
"She has said that she sees me working on this and it has been better. My boys have noticed it to. "
Well that's a good thing but it will take a long time for it to be healed.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Talked to Chuck at DB today. He said she is a WAW. Need to detach and GAL. Need to set another appointment with Chuck as much of the time was spent giving all the background on my sich.
Trying out a gym in the am and planning on signing up on Saturday if all goes well. Also going to talk to some friends about going shooting soon. So busy with the boys, trying to come up with other things that I can get excited about and put a bounce back in my step. Any ideas are welcome.
W got a card today from one of her girlfriends to hang in there and trust the Lord, blue skys will come. So I know she is talking to her girlfriends about our "marital problems" but guarantee not telling the whole story. Can't worry about that.
I have not finished the book yet. Only have time to read on my lunch hour. Going to try and get away this Sunday for a few hours to read more.
I have read several times now to not bring up anything religious. Is it because that puts pressure on her? She use to complain I never prayed with her, so I thought I was doing the opposite. She never responds at all when I do pray. Any insights on this?
I have been praying out loud with my hand on her back, every night since I first found out 3 months ago, because she always complained we never prayed together. Last night she told me good night, so I said good night and just did a short prayer, nothing about M or OM. Should I keep doing this as part of my changing?
Mike, am I to understand from this that you were praying -- out loud -- over your wife at night, mentioning her adultery and OM in your prayers???
