Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD

[gogofo]

The anger also comes from fear of the list. I find it is hard to impossible to remain neutral when doing pros and cons when we are overcome with emotion. I know I am on the losing side as she kicked me out again and I fear she is going to feel hurt again and not take responsibility for her part in the attempted reconciliation.

I am fearing that she will go and proceeded further without us having an open and realistic talk about our problems.

[bravo61]

Try not to focus on that. My W said she didn't want or need me to be there for her, only the kids. Less than 36 hrs later, she called and said she needed me. She was sick and needed help w/the kids. I just said I was on my way and made a point to not throw it in her face. She's trying to get a reaction out of you so she can say "see you haven't changed a need at all". You are stronger than that. You know what is right, just do it.

[Barrybran]

Hey gogofo, it's been a while. Sorry to hear that you're back to square one. Reading your posts, I notice a lot of pursuing behaviour. You've picked up on it and credit to you for not calling or sending those texts.

Focus on yourself for a while and remember what worked before moving back in with your wife.

[gogofo]

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

Wife came over and we had a business like exchange. Offered to get her something, she said no thanks.

Our youngest son sometimes still has issues with pooping in the toilet. When he was eating dinner I smelled farts and asked him, but her said nope. Well when W shows up he says that his undies were dirty. I took him to the bathroom and took care of it.

During this time I was getting my dinner ready, eating late and being dumb hoping that I could entice W to stay for some food. I resisted the temptation to invite her but noticed she was looking at me differently when I was in the kitchen and dealing with our youngest. Don't know why, but she was looking my way intently and I pretended that I did not notice.

I also caught myself kind of gravitating or milling around in her area and made it a point not to be in her immediate vicinity. I also caught myself standing and crossing my arms looking closed off so I made sure I stopped that too.

Changing my attitude and non-verbal communication towards her again is hard. I am not the only one but it is difficult to switch from only wanting them to acting like it is their loss.

When dealing with our youngest he said he wanted me to go with them to the other house. Damn that stings hard. I think they notice it this time because they are older and last January I had not been home much because of work.

These kids can really show me my guilt and get me in my raw nerve endings about this new separation.

I think I have to write a letter to my W cussing her out and getting all of my anger out so I can help myself move past the emotion I felt last night. These letters are just for me, I do not send or share them with her, but when I have done them in the past they really help me understand my feelings and let me get through some of these emotions.

When she leaves the house she turns her back and goes quickly. I know why she does this and how she feels. All of this is hard on everyone.

[gogofo]

Am I the only one who will read a relationship book and get excited and hopeful and sad and scared while reading through different parts?

I just finished the 7 Principle of Making Marriage Work and I can see the faults and issues between us. From my point of view they are things we can eliminate, figure out, or learn to live with like we had before.

I think that is why I was so angry last night. Right now I feel like "if I only had this book with me we could have fixed our issues." In reality I don't think it would have happened that way. I would have been too scared to bring up the book or too naive to think we needed it until it was too late...

[Barrybran]

The books are great for understanding psychology and how we can use it to tidy up our side of the street. I used to read books and have all sorts of 'aha' moments as well as feelings of hope.

On your other post, I think the letters are a great idea. I used to write them too, and still do if something really frustrates me, before speaking about things to my wife. Most of the time though I would reread what I had written later in the day or the following morning and leave it at that without speaking about the issue to my wife.

[gogofo]

My GAL has been to focus on house repairs and de-cluttering to clear my mind about the situation and from all of the scrap that accumulates after a couple of years in a house.

W got back from her work trip and asked for some time to get some homework done. Told her okay, take as much as needed. Kinda felt doormat like when telling her this, but I decided that I do still support her schooling and that is just my personality. She came and picked them up, had a friendly talk and when they left so did I to watch a football game with friends.

Had fun watching the game then she sent a text message asking if we could talk sometime. I said sure when ever and we decided to talk last night.

We talked from about 9:30 to 1:00 in the morning. It was a much calmer conversation than last time. She talked about feeling good and bad about the progress and changes I and we have made. She feels bad because she is upset it came to this situation for me to recognize my actions and now start to act like a partner, not just the one who takes all the time.

She said she is still angry at the past and me about the past. I said I understood that but there was nothing I could do about it to help her. I shared that I write nasty scathing letters to get emotions out. She doesn't want to hate me or be upset with me, but she doesn't know how to move forward.

She said she went and talked to a lawyer about how to dissolve the marriage. She told me the whole process of a basic uncontested divorce using only one lawyer. Went through money, kids, cars, debt, child support, the whole nine yards. I just listened and nodded and remained emotionless when she talked. When she was done I said "I don't know if you are expecting a response, but I don't know what to say" (a nice little phrase I learned from a communication book that shows you are listening and not ignoring but don't really have any kind of response. I definitely didn't want her to think I was agreeing with ending the M.

Then we talked some more about us and some issues etc. She said what she really wants is to be taken care of and feel taken care of. She gives so much and takes care of so many things, she wants to feel care for and about. This was the first time she has laid it all out to me with what she wants and needs.

Then we just kept talking about our R less and less and more just talking and sharing and catching up. I made us popcorn for a snack and did little husband things out of habit that I had been doing lately, i.e. taking care of her. I was about to steer the conversation back to the R at one point but it hit me that that would be the dumbest thing I could have done at that point. We had progressed through the R talk and were feeling comfortable with each other again.

It was a very pleasant and enjoyable and the evening was peppered throughout with jokes and teasing, even during the tough parts.

She knows what it would take to dissolve the marriage, so do I. She never did bring it back up or act like she was going to file. I feel she just needed to know what it would take and evaluate.

I ended up staying the night and asked where she wanted me to sleep, after I said in humor that I obviously knew where I wanted to. We shared a bed last night. When in bed I asked if I could, then she interrupted "ah geez you were doing so good too" assuming I was going to ask for a kiss. We laughed and I said I just wanted to scoot closer. I put my hand against her elbow and we feel asleep.

She had one last comment of "sometimes I think it would be easier if I just divorced you and then we got back together." I laughed and she said she was kind of serious and I told her that I knew she was and that is why I was laughing.

[gogofo]

The original plan for today was she would drop off the kids to my house around noon. We spent the morning together and had lunch together as a family. I gave her space and didn't mill around in her presence.

The biggest thing came when we rode together to lunch. I noticed she had put her wedding ring back on. She had not wore it since I was kicked out the second time. She didn't wear it on her trip out of town this past Friday, but she is wearing it now as she travels to Chicago.

When she left the house for the airport she hugged and kissed the boys and then we hugged and I gave her a big python hug.

So she will be gone for a couple of days and we left each other in what seems like a very positive emotional state for us.

Cannot wait to talk to my DB coach and I am so happy to have her expertise when the W and I are feeling more positive than last week.

[Barrybran]

Well done in not bringing the R talk back up! Not so well done on the in-bed interaction. Thankfully your wife took it well. Just keep reminding yourself of what it took you to get to the point where you moved back in; the detachment, the GAL, no no pursuing, etc.

I'm glad you didn't freak out when your wife brought up the prospect of divorce. It sounds like she valued you listening to her.

[labug]

Rollercoaster, right?

Drop your timeline, live your life, let her live hers.

I think she's let you know exactly what she needs. Time and respect.

Do you know what she means when she says she wants to feel taken care of? That's not rhetorical, write out what you think she means.

Are you reading any of the women's threads here? It might be helpful.