Friend or Friendly?

[Kimmerz]

Wow Tad I didn't even realize we were on a similar time frame!

I just realized that our Divorce was final in 5/12 and he married OW 6/2014.

I know I've really moved on because I really had to think about the dates in which the divorce was file, and when it was finalized. When a year or so ago I could've told you at the drop of a hat. I used to mark my progress by how far I had come by bomb date, and divorce filing, and divorce finality.

Now it's just one big jumbled mess. I do know that I did hear that it would take one year for each 5 you were together to really get over the ordeal. WE were together 20 years, which would make that time to get through it a total of 5. And that's about right. 4 years into this and Im feeling pretty darn good about myself.

[tadpole1025]

Yeah it does get better with time.

My D was final 10/11
She was engaged 06/12 and married 06/13.

I won't say that I'm feeling good yet, but I am feeling better.

tad

[job]

Tad,
I'm very glad to see that you went to your son's concert. Did you have a good time? It's true, the more you detach, the more you will see things more clearly when it comes to the xw. She's a stranger to you now because her behavior is not the same as it once was. Her personality has changed quite a bit and no one knows if she'll return to her "old" self once she's fully baked, if ever.

I'm very happy to read that you are going somewhere for Thanksgiving this year. It's going to be great and I want you and your family to enjoy the day. You have something to look forward to this week.

I'm sorry about your little ratties. They've been loved unconditionally and they have had a wonderful friend in you.

I have seen some really good progress in moving forward. I think your job has been a God send for you and you've got something else to think about, new people to associate with and a paycheck coming in. Keep up the good work!

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Job.

I'm very glad to see that you went to your son's concert. Did you have a good time? It's true, the more you detach, the more you will see things more clearly when it comes to the xw. She's a stranger to you now because her behavior is not the same as it once was. Her personality has changed quite a bit and no one knows if she'll return to her "old" self once she's fully baked, if ever.

I did have a good time. He's such a rock star. I wish everyone on this board could see him. He really plays a mean guitar.

Since you mentioned XW possibly returning to "old" self, I'm going to ask a question that I've been avoiding because I didn't want people here to think that I was holding onto hope because I certainly am not. It is just something that I've wondered. Here it goes: My XW divorced me and remarried. Let's say she does wake up. What happens then? Will I ever know? What about OM? Will she try to correct her mistakes or just be stuck in an unhappy marriage? I've never heard of anyone waking up after remarrying. That is why I asked.

I'm very happy to read that you are going somewhere for Thanksgiving this year. It's going to be great and I want you and your family to enjoy the day. You have something to look forward to this week.

Yes it will be fun. 3 of my boys are going with me. The oldest will be with XW.

I'm sorry about your little ratties. They've been loved unconditionally and they have had a wonderful friend in you.

Thank you. I love them so much. I know it is hard for many to believe, but they have helped me so much during this mess. I can't explain it, but they have.

I think your job has been a God send for you and you've got something else to think about, new people to associate with and a paycheck coming in.

THAT is an under-statement. Not sure what I would have done without this job. It has helped more than just financially. Thanks for checking in.

Tad

[job]

Tad,
I'm certainly not going to hand out 2X4's for your questions about Rip Van Winkle waking up. These are questions that we all have asked ourselves and the best answer that I can give you is that no one knows what she'll do if she wakes up.

Here are some scenarios that I've witnessed over the years:

Some remain in the marriage that they took on while in MLC. Whether it's happy or not, to save face, they'll put their best foot forward. Some will divorce, but the lbs may have already moved on and met someone else and will not want to reconcile. I have seen 5 couples marry others, divorce others and reunite w/their original spouses. I know of one man who married the ow and after 8 years woke up, divorced the ow, and tried for the next 10 years to reconcile w/his former wife. She didn't want him back and to the day he died, he regretted everything he had done to her and his family during his mlc. He died a broken man.

Some will want to talk to the lbs about what happened and will even apologize and try to make amends to the spouse and children. Again, it may be too late to mend the fences and others may opt to try again. It all depends on the parties involved.

I do think that if she does wake up, you and your sons will notice a difference in her...but time will tell as to whether she likes staying in her rabbit hole or wants to come out into the daylight.

No one knows what your xw will do. The future is hidden from us and that's why we need to live in the present. Continue to take it one day at a time.

[Kimmerz]

Tad thanks for asking that question!

I too have very much wondered, what if XH ever truly woke up to the person he once was?

I figured with all the people involved in MLC, either they would just carry on with their life they've created and silently suffer quiet desperation of deep regret of their choices. Or really wake up and divorce the OP, and try to win back the old spouse, which may or may not work.

Or just carry on with their life and make ammends for their choices and maybe start to become true friends with their first spouses.

Life changes with every breath we take. All I know to do and want to do is just live it the best I can!

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Job and Kimmerz.

I have seen 5 couples marry others, divorce others and reunite w/their original spouses.

Wow. That actually seems like a lot. I know of one couple that that has happened to. I thought it was fairly rare.

I do think that if she does wake up, you and your sons will notice a difference in her...but time will tell as to whether she likes staying in her rabbit hole or wants to come out into the daylight.

Well, I don't think she is "waking up" yet, but she has seemed to have settled down a bit. The boys tell me that she isn't bad-mouthing me much anymore like she was doing when she was a ball of anger. She seems to want to get a little closer to the boys as well. She's still not the amazing mother that she was, but she's not as "invisible" as she was when it was all about her. Like I said, I don't think she is "waking up" just yet, but she seems to have settled down....or maybe she is just starting to realize some things. Who knows.....

I figured with all the people involved in MLC, either they would just carry on with their life they've created and silently suffer quiet desperation of deep regret of their choices. Or really wake up and divorce the OP, and try to win back the old spouse, which may or may not work.

Yeah, that's a tough call. My XW was never one to admit mistakes, so who knows. Time will tell I guess.

UPDATE ON GIRL AT WORK:

This is weird. As you know, I've posted on this board how I was actually starting to "feel" again and have developed a little bit of feelings for this girl that I work with.

Now the weird part: A few days ago, those feelings vanished. They were just gone and they stayed gone for about two days. I mean, I was back to being numb again. It's almost as if a switch was flipped. Absolutely nothing there. Then yesterday, I was feeling again. The feelings are back. Is that weird? Am I that messed up? I can't help but wonder if I'm just emotionally "broken."

Speaking of the girl at work, we did not sit at the same work station tonight, but we did spend the last two hours talking. She sent an instant message to me and we spent two hours talking about relationships and what should and shouldn't happen in a relationship. We talked about my X and her X. We talked about people being faithful to one another. Sometimes, I wonder that maybe she likes me, but is feeling me out to see what kind of person I am. She told me tonight that I was a very good friend. Time marches on...........

Tad

[Kimmerz]

Hey Tad, just roll with it.

As it turns out I had one "transitional" friendship with a person about a year after my divorce. I really liked the guy and hoped we could date. But as it turns out he was dating someone else! I was pretty miffed because as good as friends as we were becoming he didn't tell me!

We had the same conversations and I really thought he'd be a great boyfriend. But then I just had this odd feeling something wasn't right. Sure enough I found him on another dating website other than the one we met on, and his profile and information was quite a bit different than what I had learned about him. I didn't like that.

So we basically just lost contact with eachother. I hope he's doing great, but something told me to just move on from that.

But just having a friend to talk to about everything really helped me! And I think it's doing the same for you.

I can tell you that me having to work has really helped me get through this time in my life. Yes there were times I really did need to hide and lick my wounds and wish I could've, but I couldn't.

And the feelings coming and going... Tad that's ok! You're heart is finally starting to mend! I remember feeling the same way on and off with the guy I just told you about. Any guy I talked to seemed ok, but I just wasn't interested. I too had wondered if I was numb.

Then I met my now boyfriend.... oh holy cow! Believe me, when it hits, you will know with every fiber of your being! And it will happen Tad!

Kim

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Kimmerz.

I will roll with it like you said. It just kind of worries me a little. Sometimes I feel like there is ice water running through my veins. It's just really weird to start developing "feelings" for someone and then just have those feelings vanish for a few days and THEN come back. I guess feeling something some of the time is better than feeling nothing all of the time. I felt nothing for a long, long time. When I met this girl at work, I liked the "feelings" that I was having. Then, when they disappeared for a few days, it made me wonder a little. Wondered if I was just going to be permanently damaged. Maybe like you said, my heart is starting to mend. I hope so.

Tad

[job]

Tad,
Take each day as it comes and roll with it. Maybe your heart was putting the brakes on for a bit because you were going a bit fast? Whatever the reason for the change in feelings, it doesn't mean you are damaged for life. Your heart and soul are still mending. When the time is right, someone will cross our path and you will know that she's the one. It happens when you least expect it, i.e., not when you are looking for it.