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#2500187 10/24/14 07:58 AM
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Hi everyone. My last thread got full so I'm moving the conversation over to this thread.

My previous thread is here:

How HER Crisis Changed ME

Anyways, I pretty much agree and see what everyone is saying about the "demise" of the marriage, but.....

I got the impression that there were some on here that didn't think it was right because I refuse to be a friend to XW. I can be "friendly" but really don't feel like being her "friend." Not NOW and maybe not EVER. As of right now, I will not be her friend.

Maybe someday that will change. Maybe not.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Tad that is your choice. It does take two to be friends. You are nowhere near being friends, u still love her and u r still hurting. BUT you do have to and always will be the father to her kids. That is the only thing u have to be. For your children's sake be friendly and try to show respect to their mother. It will get easier once u have let go and moved on.
In my case I want a Civil relationship with my sons father but he chooses to be a jerk. My son was made from love and his dad is apart of him. The best I can do is show my son how much he is loved by us both and always show respect to his dad.......regardless of his dad's actions.
Tad in my opinion the adultery can be worked thru, the worst part, and hardest part is forgiving all the mean and hurtful things they have said and done. That, to me is harder to forget and forgive than the cheating, Just my opinion.
Friendly is ok Tad.

Last edited by sunshinelewis; 10/24/14 09:02 AM.

_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
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I think one of the themes that emerged from your last thread is that of letting go of the past and moving forward. (They are linked!)

I am not sure whether it matters if we feel we can be friends, friendly or whatever. We are living in the current moment and dealing with where we are now, but trying to move forward positively, not stay essentially where we are (going round in circles) or even backtracking. Lots of ways of saying this.

Early progress is often slow, and we sometimes feel we aren't shifting, until we look back and see how far we have come. One day all this will not matter. We gradually let go of our baggage as we grow and move forward. (Counselling/therapy helps here) At present what you need to do is accept where things are now, and stop worrying about friends, and friendly.

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Thanks Renee and Beatrice.

Quote:
At present what you need to do is accept where things are now, and stop worrying about friends, and friendly.


Well, it came up because we were at a function together the other night and neither one of us said hello. I was fine with that. But....she told S28 that I "ignored" her all night. I was just wondering what the hell is she expecting....

She apparently wants a friendship and has even said so in the past and mentioned it to our sons.

I do not want one.

I just can't right now.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Originally Posted By: tadpole1025
Well, it came up because we were at a function together the other night and neither one of us said hello. I was fine with that. But....she told S28 that I "ignored" her all night. I was just wondering what the hell is she expecting....

When this doesn't bother you ...

And you stop wondering and just live your life ...

You'll be better.


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
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Actually no. No one said you had to be friends with her. It would be good if you could be friendly though. Right now you're incapable of that. And let's be honest. You had a lot of issues before you were even married. You take a lot of your frustration and abandonment issues out on your wife. That's why you had such an attachment to your rats. You continue to seek out things and people that will love you unconditionally.

Honestly a relationship with that young girl or anyone else right now isn't the best thing for you until you get your issues resolved. Just my 2 cents


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Quote:
You continue to seek out things and people that will love you unconditionally.
Might be a good thing to expand on, Mr B.


AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Originally Posted By: tadpole1025
Thanks Renee and Beatrice.

Quote:
At present what you need to do is accept where things are now, and stop worrying about friends, and friendly.


Well, it came up because we were at a function together the other night and neither one of us said hello. I was fine with that. But....she told S28 that I "ignored" her all night. I was just wondering what the hell is she expecting....

She apparently wants a friendship and has even said so in the past and mentioned it to our sons.

I do not want one.

I just can't right now.

Tad



I told my wife during our sitch (she had an affair with a "man" 20 years younger than her, and then lied about it to me, to her own parents and to our adult children) that if our marriage ended this way, that I had absolutely zero plans on being friends with her. She had just said something that made it clear she thought it was all going to be sunshine and unicorns in that regard, and I just calmly said "Look, I need to be clear about something. Make no mistake -- if you end our marriage this way, by having an affair and lying to everyone about it and refusing to even try to end it and come back and work on our marriage -- I have zero intention of ever being your friend, much less your BEST friend. I will be civil, and we will co-parent our children while being respectful to each other, of course. However, if you decide to end your affair, be honest about things and come back and work on the marriage with me -- maybe going to a good marriage counselor -- for some period of time, say a year, and it doesn't work out then?? Then yes, although it would be hard at first but I could honestly see how we would probably end up good friends again. But not like this. Friends don't treat each other this way."

Although I didn't do it as some DBing tactic, she did say when we reconciled that it was the loss of my friendship that she missed more than anything.

fwiw.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Tad

FWIW, my 2 cents is….

Quote:
she told S28 that I "ignored" her all night. I was just wondering what the hell is she expecting....

She apparently wants a friendship and has even said so in the past and mentioned it to our sons.

I do not want one.


At the end of the day….I am sure most people would like a civil R with our exes. It make life a little easier, especially if you have children. Sometimes though...that is not possible and that's okay. The key IMO, is to let go of the anger you have toward her (much easier said then done).

That said, just live your life and be happy. YOUR happiness and peace of mind is what your focus should be. If that means that you do not play nicey nice with ex so be it. Ex can say and do whatever she wants – you have no control over it, so stick to what you can control, which is YOU.

In closing, personally I think you have already spent way too much energy on this topic.

Peace,
Eric


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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After a lot of thinking about just this topic, being "Friends" vs. being "Friendly", the above posts have really helped clarify the difference for me, and the importance of the distinction, of getting it right.


I am being friendly to my H at this point.

If I am not, how can he appreciate the changes I've made, and see that I'm a positive addition to his life?
If I am unfriendly, I will come off as cold, unapproachable, angry, and resentful. Or it will suggest that I am avoiding him because the sitch is just too painful for me.
Neither of those projections is something he's likely to want to hang around.
They both say: "You're not wanted."
They elicit guilt, anger, and other negative emotions that our spouses associate with US.

If I am friendly, (like I was when we first met, and as I am around people who enjoy my company), he might see that maybe--just MAYBE---he was incorrect in his assessment that I'm the source of his misery and he's better off without me.

However, we are not "Friends" at this point.
My friends don't avoid me, don't plan to cut me out of their lives. They have my best interests at heart and think of more than just themselves.
They're fun to be with, want to spend time with me for no other reason than we enjoy each other's company.

And I would not keep anyone as a friend who treated me so callously.

No. We are not "Friends" right now.
He is my husband, he is having a real issue in his life, and I am standing by him as long as I can in the hopes that he will get better, that we will get better, and we'll be able to be friends again.

The seeds are there. We were great friends, way back when. We could be again. I am letting him see that as often as I can.

But I don't ask him to hang out, make a fuss on his birthday, call him to shoot the breeze or share my problems.
And he certainly doesn't.

I have told him that if we divorce, that I will NOT be his "Friend".

I don't think he remembers this, so at some point I will revisit it with him.

I plan to never see or speak to him again.
Not to punish him, but because there will be no more room in my life for people who do not add to it in some equitable way.
(Family excluded, but he will no longer be "family" either, by his own choice.)

And-- because I will want to start over, move away from here and all the bad memories, and not subject myself to the ongoing pain of knowing my partner of almost 30 years thinks he's better off without me.

Nope. No can do.
That, for him, is the consequence of divorce, among many others.

Someone who divorces me without valuing me enough to try and salvage our M, who doesn't believe that promises and vows are important enough to make a change, who has no real remorse, and who still thinks only of what he wants, is not someone I want in my life.

Those actions show a lack of integrity, a lack of reliability and inner strength, a lack of kindness, and a willingness to cut and run when the going gets tough.

Those are definitely qualities I DO NOT WANT IN A MATE, and neither do I want them in a "Friend".

The catch here is: If he is still in MLC/Depressed/Mentally Screwy, he may follow through with divorce in this state of mind and later come to regret it.

If he does push the divorce through at the earliest opportunity, I will have gone through about six years of emotional turmoil:
Two years of isolated separation, one year of his adultery and emotional abuse while living together, and about two years + of serious emotional distancing and physical/emotional neglect prior to all of that.

Then approximately a year to finalize the divorce, relocate, rehome the animals, and start my new life without him.

Once that happens, I will be 57 and there will be no going back for me.

At that point, there will be nothing left to tie me to him, and if he still thinks I am expendable, as divorcing me demonstrates, then I will remove myself from his life.

On some level I suspect he may just hang this divorce thing over my head indefinitely and never withdraw it. That he will continue to wield it as leverage so he can feel in control, and can keep me on my "best behavior" out of fear.

That also will not happen. After a period of time (to be determined) I will sign and be done.

The ONLY way I will be his "friend" after we divorce is if he comes around enough to make a real effort to make amends, to do right by me, and gives reconciliation his best effort.
If we try, and fail, to make a good M in the end, and decide to divorce, then that's a whole different story.
That would mean he DOES have integrity and the other qualities I'd want in a friend.

So it's not the divorce that's the deciding factor, it's why and how that happens.

Sorry this was long, and if it was a hijack. It is on topic, so maybe that's okay.

In summary:

We should be FRIENDLY. That doesn't mean we are FRIENDS.
I am friendly to my neighbors, smiling and pleasant, chatty when the situation arises, helpful and appreciative, honest and reliable.

I make offers of help, allow them to help me out, make sure they're okay if there is a storm or the power goes out.

But--right now, H and I are not "FRIENDS".


---(G)GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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