In brief, I had two affairs this past summer, and am now separated from my wife because of it. I've told her everything that she wants to know honestly, have stopped all contact with the other women, have made my life transparent to her, and am working on myself in IC to understand what the hell happened to me that allowed these affairs to happen. I've asked to come back home and reconcile, and she is ambivalent (understandably). I wouldn't say I'm so much on a leash right now as I am on one of those poles animal control officers use on dogs (keeps you from getting too far or too close). She's asked for, and I'm giving her information about my whereabouts as I move around, who I'm with, what I'm doing, etc. I'm not making decisions about where to live without her input (she's disapproved of one housing option I had and thus far I'm still living in a temporary solution with no stability). I've been apologizing, listening first, honestly communicating second, giving her contact and space when she asks for it, and making amends. All of these things, so far seem like just and right things to do to help her heal. I know that any reconciliation will be a gift from her.
My questions now, that the DB book didn't quite answer: -She's openly ambivalent about giving reconciliation a chance and about letting me home, and all the while is asking for the things I have mentioned above (total transparency, final say over who I'm with/where I live/what I do, kinds of amends I make). I know this is to be expected now to help rebuild trust/safety and provide her best opportunity for healing, but how long is too long for this to go on ("this" meaning she won't commit to reconciliation, but I am asked to commit to the afore mentioned amends and behaviors for her to even remain in consideration of reconciliation)? Most of the books and websites on infidelity recovery suggest that I, as a wayward spouse, offer apologies, amends, and do anything she asks for in order to make this right and inspire forgiveness and win her back as long as she needs, but some others have suggested that I prepare to refuse to play cat and mouse with her if this goes on beyond 6 weeks and to basically say "Do you love me and want to be with me or what? I'll be around if you wish to choose to work on reconciliation. Otherwise, Im just going to do what I please." And do a bit of a 180. What's everyone's thought on this?
I'm of the mindset that ambivalence, particularly when there's severe pain involved, is for the ambivalent person to work out, and not be pressured into working out prematurely, and that refusing to play by her rules at this point could be seen as incredibly unapologetic and insensitive. I do feel remorse for the hurt I've caused her, and I want to do right by her. I also want to save our marriage.
What say you? Pursue, offer amends, do nice things without her asking, play be her rules, let her pick where I live and who I'm with, and how often I get to see her? Or after a certain amount of time act more assertively about my needs if she won't make a choice about reconciliation and me moving back home? I don't want to push her away with needy behaviors and contact she doesn't want, and I don't want to push her away with seemingly selfish demands or other actions. I also don't want to push her away by engaging in paralysis behaviors and not doing anything.
I'm so sleepy right now. If this post didn't make a ton of sense, I'll re-write it later. Thanks!
I would focus on truly understanding the depth of the hurt that will be there. It is important to show how deeply remorseful you feel, and also provide reassurances. Trust has been shattered - particularly with two affairs, not just one - and this will take some time to rebuild.
It sounds to me from your post that you are trying to push your W too soon, and you need to understand the depth and gravity of what has happened. And appreciate that she may feel significant ambivalence for some time.
Only you can decide how long you can wait - but I don't think this is the time for timebound strategies as you suggest above. If you haven't already, have a read of the infidelity section in DR, which provides some further insight into how you can help your S recover.
Best of luck...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you for the feedback. This is what I was thinking too. I feel like many people around me just don't understand the particulars to how infidelity impacts the relationship dynamics and ethics of healing.
Thank you. I agree with what you've said. I don't think those around me who have advocated 180s and other more distancing responses understand the impact of infidelity and the needs to recovery.
Dedicated to giving her what she needs and working on myself to prevent this from ever happening again in my life.
