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Hey Lisa, You sound like you're in a good place right now. If I recall correctly you were going away for a conference or workshop. Did that help bring a bit of space to the situation? It sure sounds like it.


H 37 Me 36
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Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
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Hi ganb8te, thanks for checking in with me! I did go away for a few weeks, and it did give space to the situation. I'm not sure what the outcome of that will be, whether H missed me or realized that he can survive without me. Definitely I heard from him less than I had been before. But he contacted me yesterday to ask if we could have dinner soon so I guess when we do meet up that may shed some light on the situation.

During my time away I was very busy with work activities but I had time to think a bit about WAH. Sometimes I had feelings of pure rage about what he has done including walking away from our R without trying or communicating, and the OW, and how he is saying he wants to be independent but throwing himself into new relationships to dull the pain and stay entertained. At other times I did miss him and think we could work it out. I'm still somewhat on the fence about whether I even want him back. I am not sure that I can let go and forgive what he has done. At the same time I do take ownership of my part in the drama and am trying to make real changes. But I feel he would have to take ownership as well, and I don't know that he is able.

I am also still unsure whether the way forward is starting from a base of friendship or if continuing to be distant is better. I am going to have to feel my way along I think and let him lead the way to a certain extent. I feel in my gut that I could initiate a bit more to nuture a friendship that would probably lead to reuniting. But I can't decide if that is what I want. Part of me insists that he must apologize and beg me to take him back before I will consider it. That I want him to shout from the rooftops that he made a huge mistake. But then I know that will not happen, even if that is 100% how he feels.

I have a few friends who have split up for a time then reunited. They never shouted their change of heart from the rooftops, they just quietly got back together, surprising friends by showing up as a couple at parties and events. You can see something shifted, obviously they had done some soul searching and realized they had to make changes to improve their relationship. But I never heard the WAS say "I made a huge mistake and I'll do anything to win my S back." it was more "we started spending time together and realized we are good together".

I hope everyone is doing well.

Hugs, Lisa

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Lisa, that was helpful.

Yesterday I *almost* texted H to see if he wanted to have dinner together at a new sushi place he's been wanting to try, and then I talked myself out of it.

I just don't know if I'm ready to spend time with him yet.

It will be interesting to see how our situations play out, won't it?

My Adult Services advisor this morning talked a lot about how divorce is a terrible option and should be avoided at all costs, especially when kids are involved. And I really do agree. It's just that living that value after all that has happened is such an enormous challenge.

I'm pulling for you, whatever your future holds, and very interested to see what happens.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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Lisa,just to let you know from a male perspective, it's almost impossible to be friends with someone we are still attracted to. Especially if we had sex with that someone. So if he still is attracted to you, rest assured when he sees you he sometimes remembers and thinks of the "quality time" y'all spent together. I know my W has been through quite a few triple a batteries lately-sigh. Stop over on my thread and give pointers if you like. Hugs!


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

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Hi Maybell and Bravo! Thanks for visiting my thread!

Maybell, I initiated a few texts with my H in the past month which I had not been doing at all prior to that. I wanted to see what effect it might have if I seemed more friendly. It doesn't seem to help much to be honest (but it doesn't seem to hurt either). I think since the WAS is foggy and conflicted, things have to happen on their timeline. My H was very receptive to my texts but it didn't seem to have an effect past that.
Your situation is very trying but you have experienced a lot of personal growth and introspection through the process. I always read your thread and totally get your ups and downs! Hang in there!

Bravo I had to laugh at your post. I think you are right about attraction. I can't really see that my WAH desperately wants to be friends and keep in contact just because I am such a cool buddy. I mean, I AM a cool buddy but I think he's a little in denial about his feelings. I think he would say he just "loves me as a friend" and thinks I am the coolest person he knows so he wants me in his life. He is completely enjoying his sexual freedom and potential to hook up with girls much more beautiful and exciting than I am. As in most long term relationships, our love and attraction is in the steady stage, not the electric sparks flying crush stage. If he is looking for that, he will keep telling himself that our relationship is not right. And that is what I fear and am trying to break through. But if the attraction is not there then I don't really know how to kick start it besides looking good, being distant and seeming confident...

Thanks again for checking in!
Hugs, Lisa

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Has he initiated any of the texting?


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
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T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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Hi Card, yes I would say he initiates nearly everything. I have only been experimenting lately with being slightly more friendly, I only texted him a few times (just with something funny or light) and he replies immediately. But for the past few months I mostly let him initiate everything.

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I am glad that I'm not the only one that feels it would be difficult to be "just friends" with a WAW. I also have had the thoughts of "I'm not sure I want to reconcile" if we keep moving forward towards Divorce, and that bothers me A LOT! I'm definitely going to keep tabs here because I'd like to see the woman's point of view. Lisa, i hope I can make it to where you are as far as confidence. My W also has the thoughts that "love" is the "sparks flying crush stage" that should last without trying.....

good luck and Hope things work out!!!


me-42
w-33
d-3
together-6
m-4yr
6/1/14-w check out
6/15/14-EA?
8/1/14-mc
9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing
9/15/14-w suggest separation
10/17/14 wife is done
12/13/2014 - wife move out
me file 1/1/15


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I think that love vs lust confusion is quite common.

Id echo bravo's comments I think (for men) like and attraction at any level is always going to lead to ...ahem.. Urges.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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Thanks jim and lostluv for weighing in!

While I get that the crush feeling is so fun and exciting, it's really immature to think that sparks will be sustainable over time, children, shared bathrooms and the like. And 5 minutes on the internet will give you plenty of scientific studies that show the crush feelings don't last past 3 years. And yet these WAS chase after it. They will be pretty disappointed next time the new crush turns sour or boring AGAIN...

Since my WAH apparently likes me so much as a person and can't seem to remember the reasons he walked away, I guess my mission is to be as sexy as possible to spark that attraction. How to do that? I'm thinking an element of surprise or novelty could help. The main thing is that he needs to get out of the OW fog. That could take some time I guess...

Hugs, Lisa

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