Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
jim0987 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
So while my W was in her bedroom crying her eyes out she posted on FB a comment about how happy she was playing with our D3 - huh?


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
Look at the bright side - it's evident how crazy she is acting.

I wish my ex would show some signs of sadness or remorse. Instead, he seems totally content and fine while I am falling apart, despite the facts that:

* He lost me - a kind loving wonderful fiance and his best friend
* Will have to sell our dream house and I will be forcing him to pay all the costs
* He hasn't seen our dog in 4 months and doesn't seem to care
* Losing half of his income
* Can't afford to ride horses the way he used to without me
* All his work colleagues and friends know he is a liar and a cheater
* He devastated his mother, who had her husband cheat and leave her for another woman after 25 years of marriage and now her son has done the same to me

I guess the OW was worth all that....


Engaged Aug 2009
Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010
Happily re-engaged July 2012
Discovery of affair July 2014
Separated July 2014
Fiancé is confused about whom to choose
Chose the OW Oct 2014
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
jim0987 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
I was ready to believe it was all my fault but more and more doesn't make sense.

If only there was a way to get through to her or that I hadn't let it get this far.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
It's not your fault.

Same - I wish so much that I had had a real chance to address any of my ex's issues (which were limited), but he never complained or said anything. Then when he got into the affair, it was 5-6 months gone before I discovered it - I never was in the fight here. That really is unfair.


Engaged Aug 2009
Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010
Happily re-engaged July 2012
Discovery of affair July 2014
Separated July 2014
Fiancé is confused about whom to choose
Chose the OW Oct 2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: jim0987
I was ready to believe it was all my fault but more and more doesn't make sense.

If only there was a way to get through to her or that I hadn't let it get this far.
We all struggle with the question of blame and responsibility. We probably all have a slightly different answer. Our WAS behave in new, unexpected ways, especially regarding to us. The connection is lost and they won't listen to us anymore. It's why it's so unsettling at a time when we want to communicate and connect so much. It makes it impossible to discuss with them and understand what's wrong. They have moved on, the fault is ours in their eyes, and they have places to go, far from us. Be patient in your search for answers: we progress a little every day.

There might be a way to get through to her, but it will take time. Tell yourself that right now, she's drunk. There's nothing you can do but get out of her way before you bear more responsibilities and increases her resentment. Your best hope is that it will die down and in the meantime you will have become a better person, attractive to yourself and to her, and will be able to decide if you want to take her back.

Don't beat yourself up for not finding the magic words. I can tell you're struggling with formulas and wording. But words would no more pull he out of this space than it would pull a car out of a ditch. She's not receptive, no more than you would be to the "55 benefits of divorce" right now. These words don't exist. Try to stick to DB as much as you can and increase your chances for happiness and, who knows, a reconciliation.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
jim0987 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
Thanks I know that but I'm struggling with my emotions. My dream has been ripped out and I just can't help but wonder how either of us allowed it to happen. The fact she is pursuing OM makes it so much harder.

I'm a low self esteem person and this is a big a kick as it gets

On a more immediately practical side I've been thinking about boundaries while we are in the same house still. What can I sensibly do that creates some boundaries without it just seeming petty?

Last edited by jim0987; 10/23/14 09:32 PM.

Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 570
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 570
Originally Posted By: jim0987
...Is it wrong that I want to call her out on this? ...Quite angry.

She got home from work crying her eyes out. I offered support or to help but she told me to leave her alone so I went back to playing with the kids.

...I wish there was something I could do more directly. I can improve myself but otherwise I feel pretty helpless as my family is ripped apart because she has a crush on a guy at work.


I am willing to bet that you know the answer to the first question. You should not call her out, no matter how justified you feel it would be.

As to walking off leaving her crying, so you could play with your kids! WAY TO GO!!! You aced that one. Very good.

Finally, your improving yourself is ALL YOU CAN DO to save your M and the family you love. It is only though having her observe the "new you" and her coming to her own realization that loosing your M will make her life worse and that all the PA's in the world will not measure up to a real marriage with husband and children as a unit. You may feel like you are being ripped appart, but you need to be strong. Read DR and step up your GAL. Keep up being the best dad you can for your kids.


>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
jim0987 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
She always felt like I left her alone to cry so it felt like more of the same that got us here.

I'm finding being angry about OM stops me from being upset.

She's back to being very cold again.

Boundary question remains. I don't want to be petty but at the same time I wouldn't let someone who isn't my wife come in to the bedroom in the morning in the way she does - BUT she is coming into the kids who are always in with me..... I'm a bit confused on this.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
jim0987 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
I should say its because I really feel that when she was upset in the past I didn't just hold her and let her cry - which made her feel alone. Hence my uncertainty over that one

Last edited by jim0987; 10/24/14 06:07 AM.

Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 414
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 414
I guarantee if you tried to be there for her, she'd lash out at you. Congrats u saved yourself some pain.


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard