my wife requests space, deattached from me

[SM34]

By knowing she is cheating and not confronting or letting her know that you know, she thinks she's getting away with it.

And what I bet you are doing is one of two things:

1) treating her better in the hopes that she realizes you are an awesome guy and drops OM. In this case she's losing respect for you especially if she thinks that you know and that you chose to ignore it. You could be losing her respect QUICKLY and women cannot love a man they don't respect. Respect and attraction go hand in head.

2) you are treating her badly sometimes because you know what's happening and its eating you alive. This leads to passive aggressive behavior which is also a massive turn off for women. Leads to more loss of attraction.


Anyway you look at it, you are only helping her to lose respect for you and with it lose attraction for you.

You need to tip the balance a little. Don't do anything until you tell us here what you think you can do and how you intend on doing it. No shouting fits and no displays of anger.

Do you think she thinks you know? Do you think there is a reason that you SHOULD know? Like perhaps he calls her and she ignores the call when you are with her? Or something even more obvious?

Some women make it obvious in the hopes that their man will catch on. Any of this happening?

We need more insight as to what is going on.

[NateG79]

Definitely know how betrayed you feel friend. My wife had gone off the deep end. She actually moved out, under the premise we needed space. But I found she was lying about ending her affair, and is now more available to the OM than before. And it's been hard. Gotta show tough love

[SM34]

I just re read your sitch and realized you haven't read The book yet. Don't do anything until you read the book. Ignore my posts until you read the book. Read the book! What are you waiting for?

[WillDo]

Thank you all for your responses. Really appreciate it. Don't have too much time but want to say that I already confronted her last year. Confronting again will mean pushing her more towards OM. I will look after myself and the kids. It would be snooping. Invasion of privacy if I reveal the secrets.

With "Act as if" I am keeping my emotions in place. I have a history of depressions. These were already ways to keep the good feeling floating.

Just hard really hard.

[WillDo]

So one of her recent remarks was "We need to re-connect" and she also mentioned that we could go to get MC. Shall I bring it up again and say "how can we re-connect when you are connected to OM?" Is this a boundary or an ultimatum?

[sandi2]

Read the link on Boundaries that Cadet sent to you as homework.

Here is how I see boundaries. Look up the definition of boundary. Just as with yard or property boundaries, it is set up for protection. It keeps out bad things. It distinguishes what is yours, and nobody can step on it unless you allow it. Personal boundaries are set up to protect you, also. Protect your dignity and respect. You want to be respected, honored and valued as a person, a man, a father, and a husband. If a person disrespects you, then you are the one to act. You can't force the other person to do anything, just yourself. You cannot control another person. The action is left to you to do.

Example: "Wife, I feel very disrespected as your husband, when you contact the OM, especially from inside of our home. If you contact him while inside our home, then I will ____________".

You do not state a boundary to open the door for discussion. It is non-negotiable.

Let me caution you, that some men jump right to the "I will not live in an open marriage" boundary. Well, she is going to test whatever you say. So be very sure you can back up what you say you will do. I suggest you start with something a little smaller, until you at least get the hang of it.

Back to the example above. What could you do that shows you will not be disrespected in your own home by your W contacting OM? Sure, you can always tell her you'll D her, or leave. But think it through carefully, before going for the jugular. Perhaps you could do something else that got the message across loud & clear. Any ideas?

In the meantime, what is your plan? Are you willing to stay in the M until you know what she's going to do about the OM/affair? Is an affair a deal breaker for you?

[SM34]

So one of her recent remarks was "We need to re-connect" and she also mentioned that we could go to get MC. Shall I bring it up again and say "how can we re-connect when you are connected to OM?" Is this a boundary or an ultimatum?

It's neither a boundary nor a threat. It's passive aggressive behavior. You are implying your aggressiveness but through a passive question. Huge no no.

Threat:

you better not talk to OM or I will leave you<-- not effective and sets you up for her to challenge you.

Healthy boundary for YOUR mental health:

As long as you are talking to OM, there cannot be a relationship between us. If you continue to talk to OM then I cannot be a part of this marriage.

As Sandi said, it's not a question it's a statement. It tells her clearly what you won't accept for YOURSELF. You aren't controlling her by saying "stop talking to OM" you are only asserting what you won't put up with in your life, and what YOU will do if YOUR boundary is overstepped.

You are giving her the power or the option to change her behavior if she wants the positive outcome. But if she doesn't, you are protecting yourself from further damage.

Start with small ones like Sandi said. Ones that don't force you to do something you are not ready for yet.

Like:

I will not sit with you while you chat on your phone to OM. If you continue to chat with OM I will leave the room/house.

This may be a bad example because ideally you tell her she needs to step outside to even message him. She's not to have chats with him while in the marital home, out of respect for your daughter and to the sanctity of your home.

What other boundaries do you have? What behavior will you not stand for in your life?

[SM34]

As long as there is an OM, don't EVER ask for MC or agree to go to MC. This is the oldest trick in the book for WAW.

She will take you to MC and sit and tell the therapist all the problems with you. You won't agree with them and so you will be the bad guy. And then she gets to go on to an R with OM while feeling good in her mind that she tried.

Don't forget her conscience is killing her. She's breaking up a family. MC will help her feel better that the marriage is dead because YOU don't understand her (most common complaint from women).

No MC until there is no OM and some time passed to get OM out of her system. It's just like a drug and there needs to be a withdrawal period before you attempt to make an R with the addict.

[WillDo]

Setting a boundary will protect me. I have also chosen to protect myself by not snooping. I wish I hadn't recently otherwise i would be able to cope easier. Very helpful explanations; I will do the homework and look around the threads to understand more.

[WillDo]

I was protected with the boundry. I think I jinxed it. Now she wants ne to move out. I don't know how to negotiate. You will say don't leave the house. It is hard. But cant ser the kid suffer. And I am in UK. It wouldnt be considered as I abandoned. I was asked to leave. Or she will leave with kids. Maybe somebody will have some advice. Her compromise is to go to counsellor ng but OM still in question :-(