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Wonka #2494088 10/04/14 04:32 AM
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Originally Posted By: Lifes Twists
I think all of us are in this depression boat together. The question is will we stay in the boat, slip over the side and swim to shore, or slip over the side and drown, or be rescued. That is the question we each need to answer.


Our choice, right, LT? I truly believe if we properly apply the DB plan of Detach, GAL, PMA, and most importantly... find our own Meaning and Purpose in life, then we'll be good in ANY situation.

We are not "waiting" for any specific relationship with our spouse. (or anyone else for that matter)

It takes time to get there, but I believe we need to feel 100% content and confident on our own. (even while our marriages are in limbo) Let's all work on that.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Hi LT,
Much truth in what you posted about those suffering from depression. Looking back over the 26 years we have been together, my W has done exactly what you talked about...collected all the negatives. She did it with everyone she has ever known especially those that cared about her or she cared about. Her mother, her friends, me. I watched her end every friendship she ever had, even her best friend since childhood because of some small slight (at least that was what it seemed to me at the time but it actually was just the "tipping point"). Even her mother who has done so much for her since her father left them when she was only 10 and sacrificed so much for her and her brother. The only persons who she hasn't done this with are her father and his wife (OW that he left her mother for), pretty much the only people who really have caused enough real harm to her over her lifetime to actually warrant her keeping them out of her life.

Even my parents who loved her like a D for years. She went on a trip with them (without me) and felt slighted by my mother and after that, never wanted to see them again. She would tell me later that she thought that they treated my older brother and his wife better than they did me and her back before we moved 20 years ago and that, along with the trip, caused her to no longer "trust" them. That's right, 20 years before. It didn't matter how my parents helped us over the years or treated her like a D. No, all she remembered were the negatives. I'm even beginning to see her doing just this with our D19 since W left and D19 refused to live with her. I suppose it was only a matter of time before I was going to be on her list as well.

The thing I just don't understand is why not her father? He did such awful things and actually really shouldn't be trusted by her. Or his OW wife who pretended to be her and her mothers "friend" all while sneaking around and having sex with her father. Who had her father throw her out of living outside her fathers house in an unheated camper when she went to college near his home. OW didn't like that my W's mother called the house to talk to my W every Sunday and told her father to get rid of her! He threw her out without anywhere to go. She was basically homeless until her friend took her in. Now my W is calling her "mom" and gives her more time and attention than her real mother. Why is my W able to overlook those negatives but not the small ones that have ended so many R's with so many close friends and now her H and M?

Of course none of this is helpful in my current sitch. Just something I wonder about at times.I wonder if this is normal for people who are chronically depressed or just some. I wonder if her fight with depression is because of circumstances of her life or if it is in her genes and I need to worry about my D's in the future. Is it something that my W may some day be able to overcome or is she unable to stop the process and it is destined to keep happening?

Right now I just need to keep swimming toward the shore. It doesn't help to stop and ponder how I got out in the water so far from the safety of the beach. No, I just need to keep moving forward. I wish you luck in your M. You have so much good still left in your M, still have your best friend. Given enough time and patience, I really think you can have a really great M.

Matt165 #2498938 10/21/14 02:50 AM
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For my birthday W gave me some nice gifts. We then went out for a nature hike together. Comfortable, but still some distance.

I inadvertently rattled her a bit when I hinted for a happy ending. She let it slide without comment at the time, (and I dropped it) but then later said "Ok, this is bugging me... I don't know what it is you want me to do".

Me: "I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do... it was never my intent to make you feel uncomfortable in any way"

This totally diffused her tension and we quickly went back to being friendly partners.

Next week is W's birthday. She recently told me about a jacket she seen that she really liked, but didn't buy because it was too expensive. Guess what I got her for her birthday.

-------------

Last Wednesday W and I both took the day off work to say goodbye to our dog of 16 years. "B" was our only child, and went on several road trip vacations with us. She had been having health issues for a while, and was in much pain. W and I did everything would could for her for as long as we could. Last week we took her to the vet and hugged her as she passed. cry cry cry Now we are working on adjusting to life without our little angel.

Last edited by ForeverYoung; 10/21/14 02:52 AM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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FY,

(((FY))) on the loss of your furry family member. It is such a heart wrenching thing to do...ugh!

I inadvertently rattled her a bit when I hinted for a happy ending. She let it slide without comment at the time, (and I dropped it) but then later said "Ok, this is bugging me... I don't know what it is you want me to do".

How did that comment come about? What was the context? Just trying to understand how your W got rattled by that simple comment. What preceded it? How? What? When?

Great...nice you got that jacket all squared away and ready for reveal on W's BD!

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Quote:
I believe this is the biggest issue with those who are dealing with depression. I believe from my experience with my spouse that those who have some level of depression will collect all the negative thing that happen along the way and file them for later use. This collection of negatives keeps building until it gets to a breaking point. Some trigger will eventually happen that will cause all these collected negatives to come exploding out. Who knows what it will be, but it will happen.

Those who collect negatives have not learned how to let go of things. They have not learned to forgive. Until they learn this, if ever, they will never love themselves.


Very insightful, and describes my stbxw, and she is even aware of it now. I'm not sure what/if she is doing about working through that, but awareness is a start.


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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I'm so sorry FY... it's so hard when our furred friends pass...


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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FY,
I am so very sorry about your dog. They become our children and love us unconditionally and it hurts deeply when we have to make the choice of putting them down. Please remember the goods times w/your pet and know that you and your wife did everything humanly possible for her. You both gave her the gift of helping her reach the other side w/o suffering longer than she had to.

In time, you and your wife may opt to get another little bundle of joy. But, that is down the road and you both will need to grieve the loss before that can happen. Give yourselves plenty of time to revisit those wonderful memories of her and when the time is right, a little bundle of joy will venture on to your path for you to love. The man upstairs has a way of doing this to those who have lost pets.

Take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2500765 10/26/14 05:45 AM
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Thank you Wonka, T2, and job, for the kind words regarding our loss. Surprisingly to me, it hasn't been as hard on us as the loss of our first dog 16 and a half years ago was. I believe one reason for this is that we knew this day was coming for more than a year... and so had more time to prepare ourselves for it. I also think the first cut was the deepest.

It seems over the last couple years, W has come to accept death as part of life. When we said goodbye to our first dog, W cried for months, and it tore me up horribly watching her. This didn't happen this time.

W and I always did, and still do, have a strong attachment/connection. I suppose that's why we are both still here. That, and there are no OP's to fill either ones needs or desires.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
How did that comment come about? What was the context? Just trying to understand how your W got rattled by that simple comment. What preceded it? How? What? When?


I subscribe to the no walking on eggshells/be true to yourself school of DB. This means not being afraid to say or ask for things.

This does not mean I'm uncaring or reckless.

In the past W was always sure to give me a "special" present on my B-day. We were getting along well this year... things were comfortable. I slipped in a suggestive comment, and she didn't bite. No problem, I accepted that and forgot all about it.

W and I continued to interact like normal, getting on well.

Obviously W did not forget about the hint. She brought it up in distress much later.

Maybe she wants to please me in this area but can't? She's still here, doing plenty of other nice things for me/us. If this is the case, that is ok. I can accept that... for now.

Last edited by ForeverYoung; 10/26/14 05:46 AM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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FY, just catching up on your posts. I’m so sorry about your dog. It brought up the memories of our last dog that was sick and we had to put him down. We both were so devastated. That was before the BD. It took us a long time to recover from this loss, and almost a year to get another dog.

FY, I am always so amazed at your continuing patience with your W. I envision that one day you are going to have an exceptional, genuine, intimate and truly beautiful relationship with your W.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Thanks for believing in me, Bright. Sometimes, I amaze myself! blush

I'm giving W my best for as long as I can... she deserves it. What she does with it is up to her.

I'm convinced she's giving me her best at the moment.

How could either of us give up on that?


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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