Train, are You OK??

[Starsky309]

Ha!! That was supposed to be TRYING to drink!!! LOL

[Train]

Makes sense either way!!

[Train]

Just checking in, guys.

Starsky, you out there? How are things in your corner of the world?

Wonka, didn't I read that you were going to have a coffee date or something with Mrs. Wonka?

Zew? Devaste?

How are my peeps?

I've been thinking of all y'all ... a lot recently, for some reason.

I guess the easiest thing is to find your threads (if you have one) and check in. But if you're reading, drop me a line to let me know how y'all are.

xoxo

[Wonka]

Train baby!!! Where you've been?? Of course, giving your H 100x pats on his bum. That's what. How's your sweet H? Your new M?

If you want to read up on the meet up with Ms. Wonka, just swing by my thread over in the Big D forum.

[Train]

Wonka! I've been here ... I promise. Checking in almost daily to read, but I've had a hard time just making time to sit and write much.

I keep hoping that will change.

Yep, still many pats on the ol' H's bum goin' on. Things are pretty good. I had heebie-jeebies for the first time yesterday in quite some time. And it was so weird what brought it up:

I've been looking for a specific piece of furniture for my hallway for over a year. Like, I look WEEKLY for something vintage that comes close to matching my vision. (I'm not a jewelry person or a traveling person ... I'm a furniture/home-decorator person). I finally stumbled upon something I really, really liked. H knows I've been looking obsessively since the month before BD for this one.particular.piece. So, I had a picture of this piece I'd had my eye on for about three weeks. He's like: "It's perfect. Let's go pick it up."

I hesitated; it was a little out of my budgeted price range. But it was the first piece he's heard me say was "close to perfect" since March.

So I should be elated, right? H isn't being stingy and selfish like he's been known to be in his "past life."

But on the way to pick it up? I had a knot in my stomach. Why? Because he also bought me a coveted piece of furniture for our 10th wedding anniversary ... and we went to pick it up together ... just five days before I caught him cheating in February.

It was WEIRD to go on another furniture pick-up (the first since BD). And it didn't feel good. At all. Those flashbacks are serious business! But I went. I talked to H about it some, when (noticing I was being a little quiet and withdrawn, I suppose) he asked if I was okay. And that was that. And I loved the piece. And we bought it. And he took me out to dinner. And I spent today painting it and distressing it - making it mine - and I love it. And him.

And I'm moving on ...

I can't say our new M is EASY. It's not. But it's a HELLUVA lot better than what it was!

Am I still expecting him to leave again? Absolutely. But am I holding that over his head or allowing it to impact my behavior? Absolutely not.

I know this is going to take time, sweet time. And lots of hard work. Some days? I want to throw in the towel: why delay the inevitable? That's what I ask myself. But H has gotten SO much better at communicating with me and sensing when I need to talk. And I've gotten better at knowing how to meet his needs. I'll even catch myself NOT meeting his needs ... and I'll pull myself back to "center."

With the wreck and then D18 becoming pregnant, it's been a struggle for us. But we still make time for each other every Saturday for date night. Right now, that's about all we can do. But we sneak in other moments as we can to spend time together and to catch up.

All-in-all? I can't complain.

I'll swing over by your thread for sure. Big, big hugs to you, Wonka!!! I miss you!

[Jefe]

Train, I joined a bit after your involvement here but I so enjoy reading your updates. It gives me hope for my situation. Thank you for popping in and sharing from time to time.

[Train]

Hey, Jefe! I'm so glad my experiences are helping others, and it is my pleasure to share!

I wish I could say that things are beautiful and wonderful and all roses, sunshine, rainbows and unicorns all the time. But that's not life, is it?

Another story (gah, I'm so long-winded, especially when I haven't shared an update in a while - lol): The other day, H came home from his primary-job, fuming (AGAIN). He was ready to throw in the towel. I saw, over the course of a few weeks, that he was becoming agitated (AGAIN) ... which has always been a HUGE red-flag for me about where he is, mentally. He honestly used to bounce from one job to the next (which used to be industry-standard in his career-field, so no big deal), but jobs are not as easy to come by these days, as he (and our family) has learned the HARD way the past five years.

Anyway, so he starts applying to different jobs. I am FREAKING OUT, but I try to remain supportive instead of nagging him about finances and health insurance like I used to do when he was on the prowl for a new job.

So he finds a job AN HOUR AWAY and is actually planning to go to the interview, which I thought was ludicrous. But, assuming he had our family's best interest at heart, I stayed out of it and even helped him find his resume, etc. THEN, however, I saw that he was looking for rental properties in a city about 45 minutes from here. I asked him what was up with that. He said he was just looking for rentals closer to the potential workplace. And instead of nagging him, like I would have back in the old days, I said: "Oh. Okay. Just to remind you, though, you and I agreed - when you moved back home - that we would be staying in (current town) until D17 graduates. She doesn't graduate until June. Until she has moved away to college, I will be staying here, as we discussed and planned. I understand you are unhappy at work, and I wish there was something I could do to make things better for you. If there *is*, please let me know. At the same time, we made a commitment to D17. And I will be sticking to that commitment. I will not be leaving here until next year. And when I leave, I will be moving with the kids to the mountains, as you and I had planned and agreed on. When I leave this house, I will be moving to the mountains, with or without you. That was our agreement."

He canceled his job interview at the new place the following morning without telling me. The next few days were tense because I *knew* he hadn't gone, but he hadn't talked to me about it. I finally raised the issue and told him I felt we were a little disconnected and hadn't spent any time catching up. So we planned a night out, and we talked about it. He said he spent some time thinking about what I had said and he realized he had lost sight of our shared goal. I shared with him, then, some of my reservations about moving *anywhere* with him, away from my family ... mainly, that he would leave me high-and-dry again ... and, of course, NOW I have to consider I have a grandchild about to be born who will be living with us. Will I be able to just up and leave him/her? Will D18 and her child come with us? How will that impact our finances? We were planning to move into a tiny house in the mountains so H wouldn't have to work so much ...

One thing after another. But I digress ...

Now, H is looking for a different job here in town, and I printed his resume just today for another local job he's eyeballing.

Maybe it's building resentment in him that I'm not going to "support" packing up my family and moving 45 minutes away just so he can be happy at another job for 6 months before he's miserable again. Those kinds of things used to worry me. And I would nag about it.

Not now. Now? I have personal boundaries. Ones that not even my husband - who I love almost more than life - can penetrate. And that's that.

I mean, I'm sometimes stuck somewhere between supporting him and enabling him to be the same selfish a$shole he used to be, only thinking of himself and seemingly not of his family or his commitments.

As his W, I'm supposed to support him, especially since he's the breadwinner - the LONE financial supporter - of our family. Men very often find their value (or not) in the workplace. At the same time, I lost myself BIG TIME (and sold myself out) in our "previous M" ... but I used to nag instead of setting personal boundaries. In other words, I used to try to *control* HIM instead of protecting ME.

I still have A LONG way to go. I still second-guess everything I say and do.

But Starsky mentioned a long time ago something like this: I'm the cake. He's the frosting. (And vice versa.) At the end of all this, I want to be a good W. But I want to be a good ME. And I want to stay true to me even if HE *can't*.

It's a tightrope. A tiny, delicate one. I'm supposed to support him, especially in his work. But if his work starts to screw with my security and the security of my children: What THEN? This isn't our first song-and-dance with his unhappiness at work. I'm doing what I can on MY end to keep him happy. But I swear that man will NEVER find happiness at work. It's a CONSTANT source of contention between us. Always has been.

So, yeah, I don't know from one day to the next if I'm navigating all this "correctly" - or even if there *IS* a "correctly" - especially because the kids and I ARE completely relying on him, financially.

Buttttt ... I'm the cake. I AM THE *CAKE*.

I love the he!l out of him ... and I think I've proven that ... but I can't be a prisoner to economic security, either. It's just hard to look at S8 and imagine that one day I may not be able to homeschool him, which is my passion right now ... and something he LOVES.

Sigh. One day at a time, Train. One day at a time ...

My apologies for my rants tonight. Had some "extra" time. Lol!

Love y'all people!

[Jefe]

Train, no rants at all. All I just read was some good solid class and wisdom. Thanks for sharing.

[Train]

Always a pleasure.

Win-win, I suppose: I get to "vent." You get to "glean."

Hang in there!

[Starsky309]

HIYA TRAIN!!! Missed you like a caboose misses a locomotive!

Starsky