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Heather - Just caught up with this. I am so very sorry. It is a blessing that you are totally out of the environment. Can you imagine what it would be like if you were there?

As for your mother - the thing to say is 'I could really use your support right now. This could happen to anyone' Don't argue, and you actually do not have to listen to her. The more firmly you deal with your mother, the more firmly you will be able to deal with your eldest daughter. Heather is not a couch for sitting on!

You are taking responsibility for what happened and I admire your honesty and growth.

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Heather,
I'm sorry that this incident happened at your home. However, it is not your fault. You did what you needed to do, i.e., providing information, etc. to the police and that was the proper thing to do.

As for your mother, well, consider the source because she's never going to change. This is one of those times that she needs to be there to support you, listen to you and validate you, not get involved by calling a lawyer, etc.

I'm glad to see that your oldest daughter got up and went to work. Not all things in life will be peaches and cream each and every day and she will need to learn to take the bitter w/the sweet if she wants to get ahead in life.

Again, I'm sorry, but you've done all that you can do at this time about the incident back in your old home. Continue to look ahead and focus on today.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thank you friends. Thanks so much.

I know we will get through this. It helps to know I'm able to make a difference in getting the boy locked up. His mom has become a good friend to me and was instrumental in my getting this job. She was a reference on numerous occasions. Yesterday, I sent a private text conversation we had on Sunday to the detectives yesterday in which she told me how she had confronted her son and he confessed the incident. Part of me feels a bit like Pilate. I know it broke her heart, but this boy is dangerous.

I feel so sad on so many levels with this situation.

It did, however, occur to me that I could used this situation for some features in national publications where I could write about a million aspects of this sitch...how to help your kids stay safe, who are these predators and...how do you cope when your own child is a danger to society and other children...So many ways this situation could help, maybe, prevent just one incident from happening somewhere. I find comfort in this.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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I had an ok day. Seems like a good idea to report in with everything going on.

I have to head out again to two more meetings. D12 will be going with me.

Spoke to atty today. He said, based upon his experience with Smokey's atty, it would be a waste to propose an offer. He said he is 99% sure the deal would be rejected because Smokey's atty likes to drag things out. He says it would also send the message that I'm willing to buckle and negotiate. He told me that he believes I will walk away with something worth fighting for. Then, he asked about his fee. I need to let him know that I need him to push the temp support before I'm able to pay anything more?? IDK.

Witnessed a drug bust today. The whole thing was so ridiculous and it reminded me so much of Smokey. One thing in particular was like looking into my past life with him. The guy driving this car was standing aside with a trooper while a K-9 unit and four other officers searched this little Ford Focus for drugs.

The officers had to open the hood for the dog to sniff. Well, the vehicle's owner had to instruct the officers on the rig he had created because he had this huge dent in his hood and it wouldn't shut properly. The man had devised something to keep the hood closed and, when the officers managed to open the hood, it was very difficult to close again.

So, this vehicle owner...there were no drugs in the car...was able to pack up his belongings...mainly a bunch of crap, fast food wrappers and a...I kid you not...empty box of Fruit Loops that he was using to store his rolling papers...As he was tossing everything back into the car, I noticed him grab this bright orange rubber mallet. That's what he uses to get the hood of his car closed. He carries a bright orange rubber mallet so he can shut the hood of his car.

I shared this info with D20 and said, "It reminded me of Dad."

She said, "Yep, and, then you have to add in the obnoxious, flippant attitude we'd get if we questioned the rational of carting around a mallet when he could just take the hood to get fixed."

I lived like that for a long time. It was really hard for me to get repairs made on anything because I was so accustomed to living that way. Not Smokey's fault, mind you, but a part of life when you live with someone drug addicted. You change to normal to accommodate that kinda thinking.

The hood money was, I'm sure, spent on drugs and the cigarettes this man was smoking. Cigarettes are about $10 a pack in NY.

...In other news, I spoke to the detective briefly. He said they were having a hearing today. The teenage boy was not in custody yesterday. But, the det. said he spoke to his mom this morning and expected that he would be in custody by the end of the day.

I tried to lend some support to my friend (mom of the victim). She isn't sleeping and I told her about Ellie's advice of the melatonin which really works for me. I used the skills I learned on these boards and reminded her to take care of herself. I need to take my own advice.

Beginning to see some flaws in this system I'm working for. I can handle it...but, I need to be a bit vigilant while I get myself established and past the point of the "trial" of 30 days. I'm seeing an organization which is very supportive in some areas and sorta sets you up for failure in others. I can handle it. I just need to be on my game.

I felt somewhat back to normal today...in terms of the anxiety from all that's going on. I relaxed a bit. Much better from the series of panic attacks earlier this week. Still scared about money...but, I will be ok.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Quote:
I can handle it. I just need to be on my game.


Exactly this. Don't let yourself get too distracted by all the other Sturm und Drang, job needs to be priority one right now despite everything.

I don't exactly understand why an order for temporary support wasn't filed months ago, but seems like that's a no-brainer at the moment. Git er done.

Meanwhile - can you pick up any evening babysitting (at your house)? Find some couples or single moms who want to drop their kid off with you while they go for an evening out? Or pick up any side technical writing or editing job online? Anything to bring in a little side cash (but not distract you too much from your job, which has to come first).

Also - take care of yourself, this has been a tremendous strain. Buy a big box of Epsom salts (very cheap!) and take a candle into the bath and soak. Good therapy.

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Thanks Ellie, this is what I'm thinking too. Put the job first, get things in place...get through this 3 month trial period safely.

I need to vent. I need to unload some from this week from hell.

I'd really appreciate it if I didn't get any 2x4's...I'm feeling a bit fragile tonight. Not that I really deserve any, but I'm just putting that out there...no "Put on your big girl panties or anything of the like." In fact, I'd like to take my big girl panties and burn them.

So, before any of this tragedy of the the attack at my house revealed itself, I was already struggling.

Last weekend, after the reception party and its success...I panicked. There's no other way to put it. I was having some serious panic attacks.

The last time I put an entire newspaper together, it was daunting and it took me some time to learn how to accomplish each task in a way that worked for me. It was kinda like taking a piece of stone and carving out a bit at a time and going into this zone where I work out the details by tweaking this, then, tweaking that...

Last weekend, after this reception, I realized that I had a paper to put out and I've been so lost in the details of moving and opening the office...that I had neatly avoided any major writing because it scared the shid outta me. It's a been a really long time since I wrote newspaper articles and I didn't have much a clue about their particular style/format etc...

Each publication has its own version of the AP Stylebook. This newspaper, for instance, uses courtesy titles like Mr. and Mrs. before each and every name.

At one point, I asked the editor about this and he simply said..."We just follow the AP."

I'm terrible at communicating this type of stuff. My brain has been moving in a million different directions and zeroing in on the minutia is not my forte.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Ok, so here I'm feeling major writer's block. I'm terrified to put anything into the newspaper's database for fear that I will be revealed to be terrible and I will be fired. I was tired, overtired, and put waayyyy tooo much pressure on myself and I was a bit of a wreck on Sunday and Monday. But, I kept reassuring myself that it will be ok...

I had impressed the hell outta everyone by putting things into place with the office and meeting the community and etc...but, I had been given a free pass on paper because my managing editor's wife had been serving as editor in the interim and I was able to put all my energies into getting things settled for an office and preparing to take over the newspaper.

Factor into all this...the managing editor is a massive micromanager. And, his wife has been doing all of this work on the newspaper remotely. She is in Albany or something and she refuses to come into the newspaper building. So, my only training from her has been two long lunches where she wrote all these things down that I need to remember. She made me a notebook of tips.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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So, this is when I began to see the flaws in this system that I've been hired into...a managing editor with some major control issues and anxiety that spins outta control with the slightest touch, a remote and fairly unhelpful person doing the training (someone who is kinda weird about letting go of this project and almost makes feel like she wants me to fail and another editor, directly above me, who is putting out vibes that he is interested in me...which plays into my insecurity and makes me begin to think this is why I was hired. Crap. And, everyone is intertwined. And, everyone has invested all this money and time and stuff into getting this newspaper back on its feet.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Now, let's add into the equation that they hired me and, then, without telling me any of this...jumped into putting more issues of the paper out. So, they bought this newspaper, hired me and told me I'd have a say in how the paper looks/format/style changes etc...but, starting publishing it with the managing editor's wife. And, they arranged for this party last weekend where the whole town wants to come to meet me and rented this office that I was responsible for putting together. Plus, I was feeling enormous pressure to put the office into order because the control freak managing editor makes it hard for me to relax and write and, also, I'm thinking I need a place for D12 to get some schoolwork done without having to leave her alone at home.

It's like a spiderweb of shid. Everything connected to the other and it all, at least feeling like it, on my shoulders.

And, the newspaper is all like..."Do whatever, it's fine...no need to be here at the main office...you're doing great, etc..."


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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This is helping. I'm sorting it all out. Ok.

I've been blaming myself like I majorly screwed something up here...but, it's making more sense.

On my first day of work, everyone was too busy to train me on anything. And, in some ways, that works great for me. I handled things on my own. I took the initiative and got my laptop, took care of the phone...the problem is...my anxiety took over with the writing and, when I didn't deliver on time last week, the managing editor went apeshid and started this snowball from hell that feels like it's still rolling.

The editor directly above me said he was impressed with how I handled it all and poked some fun at the other editor's controlling ways...

I know this all part of settling into a new job. I guess I'm just a bit fried after this week and I feel enormous pressure to do an impressive job on the next paper.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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