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Have you read no more Mr nice guy? I only just have but its worth the read.

It talks about boundaries and respect and asks some good questions. If you don't respect yourself then how could you expect someone else to? Let me review your thread again and I'll try and I'll see if there is anything I can add.

In house seperation is hard because she is so hostile towards me. In some ways it makes the pain worse because she is ever present but then you already have that issue. My W knows she wants out so she feels trapped and is rallying against that and me. Having said all that it means I still get to see the kids everyday so I'm in no longer rush for her to leave (my D3 is finding this hard enough already and we haven't really told her yet)


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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OK recapped your thread. A few things jump out (all just my opinion)

First - reread what 25 said to you. Then read it again. You are driving yourself nuts and unless you can detach a bit more its going to keep hurting

A DB coach might be a good idea so that you can talk what your doing through. Finding an IC might be helpful for your anxiety (it helps me and I don't think there is any shame in asking for help).

After you've read DB, DR and 5LL. I would read NMMNG. You need to set some boundaries to protect yourself - that's definitely not the same as ultimatums - But you also need to respect hers. she has asked for space so give it (and no snooping). When your not doing that your letting your fear control you.

She will find confidence and self respect far more attractive and therefore is much more likely to want back in.

I'm no vet round here and making plenty of school boy errors myself but I hope this helps.

Good luck


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Sep 2014
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mandown Offline OP
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I'll look into NMMNG. I have my good days and bad days. It's like I know for sure she is keeping certain things from me. I'm almost positive that she is still contacting that guy with the app, KIK. She is constantly texting or looking at her phone, she keeps it on her at all times, has a password on it and everything. [censored] drives me nuts. I want to confront her but I know it would make matters worse.

I haven't snooped since the last time. And I'm trying to get my mind off these things. I have been busy with moving into the new house.


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
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Posts: 75
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mandown Offline OP
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If she is sleeping with someone else, how do you come back from something like that? If she is, she is soo emotionally attached with this person, I cant compete. Correct me if I'm wronf, If a woman is intamate with someone, they have som sort of emotional bond with them?


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 96
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Happens to men too! How long has that been going on?

The only way to really break through the affair is to let it run its course and for her to see that person in all his flaws. You can't compete right now - not because you aren't better - but becasue you are up against a total fantasy life.

Trust me I tried to compete and lost.


Engaged Aug 2009
Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010
Happily re-engaged July 2012
Discovery of affair July 2014
Separated July 2014
Fiancé is confused about whom to choose
Chose the OW Oct 2014
Joined: Oct 2014
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Hi Mandown

Really sorry you find yourself here. Lots of relationships survive a partner sleeping with someone else, even if there is an emotional bond too. Around 65% of affairs end within 6 months (once that swept away 'in lurve' feeling reduces). Also, only around 3-5% of people who had affairs marry the AP, and of those around 75% end in divorce.

Contrast this with around 70% of relationships which survive affairs. I'm not saying it is easy - I'm certainly not finding it easy at the moment. But can you compete - Heck yes!

So, it is early days. Don't lose heart. Heed the advice from others on this forum, which is a lifesaver. Get working on yourself and your ability to detach and GAL (for the sake of your sanity and self respect.)...

Hang on in there, and very best of luck to you!


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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mandown Offline OP
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Zimmy, I'm sorry to hear that. To be honest, I kinda always knew thats what I had to do. But it just breaks my heart ya know.

Toots, those are interesting statistics. Really hope inspiring! But like you said it's really hard right now.


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
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mandown Offline OP
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Need some advice. My wife left yesterday around 645pm and didnt return home til arounf 1015pm. Although not the reason for me being uneasy, it was a semi red flag for me. I tried my best to ignore it. Until she told me that she was going to a costume party saturday night, instead of going out withme and the kiddos. She is driving me nuts.

Although my detaching is slowly coming along, I did not want it to come this way. By her doing these things, I get hurt, then my hurt turns into anger and frustration. Then I withdraw from her, and create even more space between us.

It is becoming increasingly clear that the only way to help with my detaching is to become physically separated from her. This will probably create more anxiety for me, for not knowing what exactly is going on. But I fear this may be the only way. Maybe this will let her miss me? Create a want/need again? I'm just afraid of how this will effect the kids. Thoughts?


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
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mandown Offline OP
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Posts: 75
I forgot to add, last night when we laid fown for bed, she asked how my counseling went. She asked if the counselor knows everything. I told her yes. She also asked what does she say about it, i have nothing to hide from her so I told her.

IC asked how do I think I SHOULD feel about all this. I said I know I should feel like I need to leave. The iC asked, what do you feel and why do you stay. I responded, "Because I love her and I cannot see myself with anyone else" The IC said "that is reason enough to keep fighting"


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
M
mandown Offline OP
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Posts: 75
Trying to get my mind off of all this. When your W says she wants to see othe people, it cuts like no other.


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
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