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#2499874 10/23/14 12:28 PM
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Maybell XVI

A day or two before he left, my MIL told my H that her parents had gone to marriage counseling when she was a kid, that they'd never been happy and that she'd been wondering lately whether they'd done the right thing by staying together. She told H that "kids deserve to grow up in a happy home."

Last night I had a dream about her and my H in which I was yelling at her for saying that and for being 600 miles away and having no idea of what the dynamics in our home were for her to make that sort of statement. I woke up really angry and upset and it took a couple of hours to settle back down and go to sleep.

I want to forgive him for leaving. I really, really do. But I don't know how to do it, or what forgiveness looks like. I feel like I need to give continuous forgiveness for each day that he's gone, because each day is fresh injury to the kids especially.

I wonder a lot if I would be standing if we didn't have kids. I did many things wrong in our marriage. Many. But many of them were responsive to how lonely and abandoned I felt so much of the time. Or I'm looking back with WAS glasses because yesterday was rough, and because of my dream.

I guess I'm the opposite of a lot of you -- I feel super shaky when I don't see him or hear from him, and more anxious to reunite when I spend more time with him. I wonder if he feels the same way.

GAL plans: today, I have an appointment at the community college to get into their "displaced homemaker" program to help me find a job. Tomorrow, a community event with two acquaintances I don't know well (one is a single mom who is my age, though her son is 21!). Saturday, lunch alone with S8 while S6 goes to a birthday party and H takes D11, then in the evening a really awesome Halloween event that involves ziplining (wild & crazy!!). Sunday church.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2499899 10/23/14 02:20 PM
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I am in a similar situation. My W would have left if it were not for the kids. She is working on it and confused. Maybe your H is also. When they decide and express that they are unhappy and we change they ultimately need to forgive and forget the bad to move on. They seem to only remember the bad as they concentrate on it so much during this time and refuse to think of the happy times that we have shared. It is odd the way the mind works....stay strong, I hear you.


W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21
Kids S-15 D-13 S-11
OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14
Talk of Seperation 7/5/14
Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15
W moved out 2/1/15
I am moving on
Maybell #2499900 10/23/14 02:23 PM
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Hi Maybell,
I too have noticed that when I don't hear from my H I am nervous and unsettled and when I do see him I miss him more.

When I don't hear from him I usually try to remind myself that he is free to go on his own path and I can't control him. But I also sense that he is often experiencing similar feelings to mine. That when he doesn't hear from me he feels nervous and that when he sees me it makes him miss us. (unless I happen to be crazy and emotional in which case he gets terrified and is happy he is free of me)

I also sometimes dream of him and wake up anxious and upset like it really happened (again). No fun!

Hugs Maybell!
Lisa

LisaB #2499906 10/23/14 02:43 PM
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Has anyone else caught themselves in a "positive fog"? Sometimes I convince myself that everything was golden. I know it wasn't, but there were obviously lots of great times, including in the months before BD. I think it's just a reaction to their negative fog.

Maybell, are your kids going to the Halloween event? That sounds like a blast. Is it a haunted zipline?? laugh


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2499916 10/23/14 03:03 PM
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Hi Card29, someone mentioned the Stockdale Paradox, an interesting take on this idea of a positive fog! Are you familiar with it?

Card29 #2499917 10/23/14 03:05 PM
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Hi Maybell,

It sounds like you have some good things going on and fun stuff planned with the kids. In regards to feeling nervous when you don't hear from your h, I think that's normal. I think everyone has a unique reaction to their WAS and there isn't a right or wrong feeling.

I feel so much for many of the posters on this board. It's such a struggle to grasp the enormity of the changes in life post BD. However, even though everyone hopes to save their M, I don't think those changes are necessarily a bad thing. They are just different.

I was going cleaning out stuff last night and came across photos from our last family vacation. It was about 3 months prior to BD. I felt such a combination of emotions including sadness at the fact that my xh was thinking about leaving them and I was clueless. I briefly thought about what must have been going through his mind and stopped myself. Why? It really doesn't matter. It's probably something I will truly never understand and I see many people struggle with that. And I hate it for them. Some events will never give an adequate explanation as to the why.

Good luck on the job front and enjoy the kids:-)

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 10/23/14 03:06 PM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Card, it's a farm that does a Halloween extravaganza, including the zip line. In fact, there's a whole elevated "haunted" ropes course but that part is a lot extra. Just doing the zip line will be a huge challenge for me. The last time I did one was broad daylight twenty years ago, and I was so terrified they had me buckled in the harness and I was sobbing just with fear of heights, though I did make it across.

Kids are with H this weekend. This is an adult event, including farm-fresh concessions served onsite. D11 is quite jealous. wink


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500079 10/23/14 11:34 PM
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So after a long email conversation last week about how D11 has way too much privilege in her life and what I thought was agreement between us on curtailing that, H put Netflix on her iPad and let her create her own profile. I'm very frustrated and angry. He didn't even tell me -- she did.

I'm trying to figure out how to address this with him in a reasonable way. Has anyone had success with co parenting classes or counseling? I do not want to spend the next twelve years being constantly undermined by my children's (insert highly frustrated adjective here) father.

This is so infuriating. It makes it hard to desire a reconciliation.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500081 10/23/14 11:43 PM
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Maybell...I talked to my DB coach about being friends. Personally I don't want to be friends with my STBX. Why?

-it hurts. It's easier when I keep my distance.
-i dont see the point in getting closer than i would if she or I was in another relationship. That means not very close.
-she's not a good friend. One that spews venom and only talks at me with no interest in my feelings is not a good friend, nor is one that acts how she's been acting and tearing apart a family.
-I resent the idea of her getting what she wants from me.

Personally I don see reconsciliation as likely at this point. Personally I don't miss my STBX or my old M. I miss the M I wished I had and the W I wished I had. But right now my only desire is to keep being ok on my own and protect myself from getting caught back up in drama.

My DB coach told me I was wrong. She told me that while we may be remarried someday, we're not now, so don't worry about that. She said that if I was disappointed with her character for walking away from a M because she 'didnt feel like it' then I needed to stand by my M even when I don't feel like it. She said that friendship was a critical step towards reconsciliation and that I needed to be strong, this was the hardest part when I start accepting the loss and want to move on. And she said withholding friendship out of resentment wasnt consistent with y beliefs, and that I had to act with compassion and patience.

She didn't actually say all that exactly, but those were my realizations and some of those were her words.

So I was friendly today. It hurt. I'm better when I'm not interacting with her. It hurts when I do. I resent the fact that I have to act in ways that hurt me so much when I'm doing it for someone that already broke my heart. I am frustrated that I am doing it when I don't even think it will make a difference.

But I'm doing it because I believe it's the right big for me to do, and because if we did reconsciliation my feelings would follow, and if we don't I'm hopefully better able to live with myself and in a better place. Personally it's so hard right now all I want to do is medicate somehow, that's why I'm on here so much lately. Prayin the day comes that the hard road pays off soon.

But one positive is I've received some very positive feedback from some of you all and my close friends about he way I've been handling it. For that I thank you.

Maybell, anyone, what do you think about that view of friends?

Last edited by Zues126; 10/23/14 11:43 PM.

Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2500084 10/23/14 11:53 PM
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Zues, I have been really, really impressed in the last few weeks with the wisdom and insight you've had to share here. I agree with everything you say here. I think I need a little time before I try to reach out very warmly. I have a lot to process to be able to be friendly without cracking.

I guess great parenting judgment goes hand in hand with great relationship judgment?

I politely asked him about it and he is now mad at HER for having played the gap between him and me to get what she wanted. Super curious when he's going to start taking responsibility for his own decisions, including parenting decisions.

Last edited by Maybell; 10/23/14 11:55 PM.

Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500089 10/24/14 12:05 AM
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Sigh. Zues you really have figured out that validation thing. I suppose I could have added more to my text exchange with H just now. I'm just so frustrated with him. And now he's skipped calling the kids two nights in a row.

We are not reconciling now. So I don't need to take that part on right now. It can wait till things get better in my head.

Somebody tell me how I SHOULD be doing this, because I don't think I'm going anywhere but backward.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500092 10/24/14 12:08 AM
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Wow, Zues.

That is interesting and reflects a lot of my thoughts lately.

If I end up divorced, I don't want to be "friends". It will be too painful.
But for now, we have to be friends at least on some level.

We have shared responsibilities, if not children, and I have to be the bigger person because he is incapable at this point.

Sometimes it IS painful to be in contact, and for me, even more so when he seems more like his old self.
GUBU is easy to dislike, so that makes it easier.

Seeing bits of my old H gives me tiny bursts of hope, which cause me to open my heart, and let more hurt and rejection in--which happens so easily even when it's not his intent.

In my case, he is not actively being disrespectful or at least I am not aware of him engaging in anything that is a deal-breaker for me.

How can he rekindle an attraction for me if he doesn't get the chance to like me? If he doesn't enjoy himself around me?

The fact is, what he remembers of our M is now tainted. I have to help him forget that and see what our life has to offer now.

This doesn't mean be a doormat for him to mistreat me, just treat him as I would any person I care for.

Granted, it is HARD. To think of everything you're going to say, what your next move will be, trying not to take things personally. It's WORK.

He will not put himself out there to be hurt by me. I think that has been made clear. So I have to do it, and take the risk.

But slowly. Carefully, gently... with no pressure.

I'm just--here.
I don't pursue, but I'm available. And I'm super nice, super cool.

It's just got to be very gradually, with no expectations, and a lot of STFU and CTHD.
(That's Calm the Hell Down.)

I made the mistake of being too cold/too dark when I was really angry and hurt and I think it backfired on me.

It did, however, help a great deal with my detachment, and I think it was also the catalyst for him seeking therapy in his own.

Of course, it could have been something else altogether.

Anyhow, sorry for the hijack, Maybell.
Again.

Your Pal,

The Goal Gal


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



GoatGal #2500096 10/24/14 12:19 AM
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Not a hijack. I agree with what you're both saying. But in my case the parenting thing really complicates things for me. I am a terrible judge for whether or not I'm being reasonable about things. He's entitled to his own ideas. But we don't communicate, I deal with ALL the parenting issues and he just parties with them every other weekend. He's sucking juice out of my Love Tank without even knowing such a thing is possible. I can't allow myself to build resentment if I want to rebuild a relationship with him, but I feel like I'm riding a bike uphill behind a guy who keeps throwing tacks under my tires.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500103 10/24/14 12:42 AM
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Maybell, I understand your frustration.

Sounds like setting some boundaries is in order.
He's their father, seems he's got to step up for them regardless of his feelings about the M.

I've struggled with that too--still am, in fact.

How to get him to uphold his end without being bossy, controlling, complaining, or creating negative interactions.

Finally, I decided that it wasn't so much what I said, as what I did.

I figured out what my boundaries were, and when he crossed them, he got "consequences."

He doesn't let me know he's coming. Then I don't see him when he's here and go dark.
He blows off his night to take care of the animals for no good reason... I go dark and go out and GAL. I know he sees the bill...

I don't know what might work for you, but there's got to be a way to have some "natural consequences" in place that don't require you to be the responsibility cop, but are an outgrowth of his dropping the ball.

He doesn't show up when he's supposed to, you all go on without him.
If the kids get upset at him, then they do. Then he has to explain it to them.

I know this sounds overly simplistic and I don't mean it to be. I'm sure you've thought of all this yourself. Just trying to get the old creative juices flowing.

He's not filling your love tank. Of course he's not. He's struggling enough trying to keep himself afloat.

Maybe try and think of it that right now he has nothing left to give. I don't think he is capable, no matter what he says, or however he may lead you to believe that he might.

Building a relationship with him now is pretty much out of the question. He's not ready. Try to focus on the small things, the MANY small things we all are reading in your sitch.

He has to experience the consequences of his actions in the real world. If the children turn away from them, if he loses out on opportunities with them, then that's the price he pays.

I'm not saying your childrens' relationship with him isn't vitally important. It is. But it's not your job to to smooth things over for him, if that's even what you do on occasion.

Try and find ways to deal with things without depending on him. Let him feel what that's like, to be on the outside of the family.

Not in a mean way, just let nature take its course, ya know?

If you could accept that he was ill, would you expect him to fulfill many of your emotional needs, or to uphold an equitable share of the parenting and day-to-day responsibilities?

Perhaps this is another way of looking at it. Because if he really IS in MLC, he is not himself, he is depressed/mixed up and it will only cause resentment if your expectations are not met.

Now--if he gives you grief about taking care of things without him, that's another story!

Again, sorry if this sounds simplistic and dopey. It's just what I've been dealing with.

What to "allow/excuse" and what to insist upon.

I soon realized that my "insisting" did nothing more than push him further away.
So I appreciate all he DOES do, and he does more.

Natural consequences and positive reinforcement.

It's all AMOEBA training!

(((Maybell))))


---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



GoatGal #2500111 10/24/14 01:09 AM
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Thank you, GoatGal, that's really helpful. I'm going to put it in my book of wisdom and try to focus on figuring out how to implement. I really appreciate it.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Zues126 #2500131 10/24/14 02:10 AM
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Zues: this was such a poignant post for me. I am struggling with the same debate. I loved my ex with all my heart, but he betrayed and abandoned me for another woman. There were so many lies and now he is like a stranger - seems not to care about my feelings or how much he is hurting me and destroying my life at all.

In the end, I fought hard from June through October to try to make him see the light and rekindle our relationship, but the pull of the affair was overpowering and just last week he told me that he had decided to choose the OW. It's brutal.

I wish I could be mature and selfless enough to be his friend and hang in there in hopes that he comes to his senses in the future. But it is so painful to go from being his everything to merely an acquaintance. Also, why does he deserve to keep my friendship - he lied, he cheated, he was disloyal - that is not good friendship material.

I would have given anything to have him come home or for him to realize one day that he made the biggest mistake of his life. But I don't think I am strong or secure enough to live in limbo and wait for him to figure that out (if ever), only to be hurt again and again. How can I heal if I am faced with that torture every day?

My DB coach Leni said the exact same thing, and I believe that she is right - that friendship is the basis for a strong relationship. But we had a good friendship before his affair, and it wasn't enough to prevent his weak behavior. Also, if the affair falls apart and he realizes the grass isn't greener in the future, won't he think back to our good relationship and amazing memories nonetheless?

Another thing I wonder, is how can they miss you if you are always there fulfillling some of their needs? Maybe you need to take a step back and really distance to see if they notice? If it's meant to be and all that...

Apologies - this was very much a stream of random consciousness.


Engaged Aug 2009
Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010
Happily re-engaged July 2012
Discovery of affair July 2014
Separated July 2014
Fiancé is confused about whom to choose
Chose the OW Oct 2014
Zimmy #2500140 10/24/14 02:36 AM
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Thank you all for the kind words. Goat Gal, really glad to see you on here again. Your story about your ex and porn was a huge aid in my quest to conquer this habit. It has not been easy and I had one backslide about a month ago, but I didn't use that as an excuse to give up or keep down that road because I remembered your words vividly. Good reminder that we can all make impacts for each other.

Zimmy, great points as well. Some people feel being friends is allowing them to cake eat. But I trust the DB coaches. I think the key is to remain mysterious, not always be available, to let them experience the positive and improved you without letting them have all of the fruit. For women this seems easier actually as most men need the physical side to feel truly fulfilled and connected. I don't see a man ever feeling satisfied with a good close emotional friendship wih a wonderful woman he was previously intimate with. For me and other men it seems tougher, I feel like if I'm there for her emotionally that would have been her ideal marriage anyway. I know that's not quite true, but ou get t.

But my point is to be friendly, but not give them the whole package. Kind of a tease. Follow the 90% rule. However friendly they are, be 90% as friend back. This ensures that they see you reciprocating goodwill, while not pursuing, letting them set the distance a bit, and leaving them wanting just a little more. That's like ending the conversations first, etc.

As for healing, I get it. Not easy. Ill let you know when I figure that out. But for me it's more important that I act with character than that I feel good. I've said it so much you all can tell I cling to that mantra. You can be proud of your actions. I have to believe it is the right road and will take you to a higher ground. Have to.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2500519 10/25/14 03:39 AM
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I had a great day today. And on the way to my outing this morning, I realuzed: I feel like a whole person for the first time. Maybe ever. I can not afford to ever compromise that. I like feeling like a whole person. There is a lot to me.

Out tonight with new girlfriends. I heard that my H was seen in town at lunch with a much younger woman over the summer. The message was conveyed that whoever saw him was highly offended at him for being out with another woman when he's married with kids (we don't live in a very large town). I waited for the gut punch... Which didn't come. Because I'm a whole person; it's horrible for my kids but I'm STILL STANDING. I find that really cool. I didn't think I'd be ok, but I really, truly am. I do still get hurt and disappointed, but I also am ok. It's a miracle.

D11 asked H if she could come back to my house tomorrow morning (kids are with him this weekend). I was out but he texted to say shed asked and that he'd told her he thought I'd say no. I just answered "no, sorry." Because I was out! He got a little annoyed and said "I already told her that." And you know, instead of feeling panicked that he's annoyed, I felt like, "It's about time you stopped taking me for granted." Because (and I realize there may be a 2x4 coming, I'll hear it if there is) the only reason to pass that request on is for me to grant it.

Anyway, all that to say, I feel stronger and happier and more complete than I've felt in years. All is well for today. Long may it last.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500521 10/25/14 03:42 AM
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One thing that does bother me is when I hear about the struggles of adults whose parents divorced when they were kids. That really does bother me. But I am doing my best to mitigate that, I'll leave the rest to God.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500526 10/25/14 04:07 AM
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How many of those divorced parents from the previous generation, whose kids went on to have similar problems, put in the kind of work to themselves after BD that you have? Most just blame the other person or throw their hands up and just say it wasn't meant to be. My W's mom (left by her H for OW when my W was 12) just called him a pig and held on to the resentment forever, to this day (17 years later). All of the multi-divorced aunts and uncles of mine just think it works until it doesn't, then you move on. they don't see any other way to live in marriage.

You're putting in the work, you can educate your children about M and other things you've learned, and someday you will be able to demonstrate your new knowledge and skills, either with WAH or another lucky man.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2500532 10/25/14 05:04 AM
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Really proud of you, Maybell! Sounds like you've turned a corner...


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Card29 #2500533 10/25/14 05:17 AM
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Yeah, maybell, cards got a point. I was out with a friend tonight for my GAL...made the mistake of seeing Oiuja by the way...anyway, I ran into a casual acquaintance I hadn't seem in a year or two.

He mentioned that his wife had asked him for a divorce and he had left the house about six weeks ago. I was bummed for him and for just a moment I felt some resentment, a little at women for just throwing away their men so easily, a little at the world for making that acceptable. But I shook it off quickly.

Then, before I could bring up DB forums/DR he told me it got worse...the girl he was dating turned out to be completely crazy and he had just left her. I was like 'say whaaaa? Just dating?!? When did you meet her?!?' He told me about 3 weeks ago. So he started dating within a month of BD.

I just zipped my lips and wished him well. Everyone has to find their own path. Maybe I can talk to him again and see if he's open to a different road, but I'm not chasing him. Like card says just not many people would take this path.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2500564 10/25/14 12:54 PM
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"Living In The Moment"
Jason Mraz


If this life is one act
Why do we lay all these traps?
We put them right in our path
When we just wanna be free

I will not waste my days
Making up all kinds of ways
To worry about all the things
That will not happen to me

So I just let go of what I know I don't know
And I know I'll only do this by
Living in the moment
Living our life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home
Living in the moment

I'm letting myself off the hook for things I've done
I let my past go past
And now I'm having more fun
I'm letting go of the thoughts
That do not make me strong
And I believe this way can be the same for everyone

And if I fall asleep
I know you'll be the one who'll always remind me
To live in the moment
To live my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home

I can't walk through life facing backwards
I have tried
I tried more than once to just make sure
And I was denied the future I'd been searching for
But I spun around and hurt no more
By living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home

I'm living in the moment
I'm living my life
Just taking it easy
With peace in my mind
Got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Oh, wherever I'm going, I'm already home

I'm living in the moment
I'm living my life
Oh, easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
Peace in my heart
Peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home
I'm living in the moment


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500567 10/25/14 01:12 PM
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Maybell you listened to ziggy Marley true to yourself . Good song . Helps me


Me 40
W 37
Together 22 years
S18
D12
WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months
W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life
After the 2 weeks she has left .
South74 #2500575 10/25/14 01:46 PM
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Maybell, I am impressed with how you are feeling whole within yourself. I have glimpses of that, and it is a terrific feeling. I know you will come through this just fine.

Thank you for reminding me (through the song lyrics) to be in the moment more. So much of my time these days is focused on worrying about the upcoming D and about my living situation, job situation, daughter's future, etc. It's too much to take on at once.

Keep up the good work!


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Maybell #2500600 10/25/14 03:01 PM
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About being friends, you're attempting to cross a river you haven't yet reached, predicting the future. We can all be friendly without being friends, we do it every day. Is it easy? No Is it important for US(LBS) to do? Yes

I said the same things regarding being friends early on and even to H when he said he hooped we could be friends. My exact quote, "I have enough friends." (every time I repeat this it sounds so haughty and dramatic, picture Greta Garbo)

But then I realized that I needed to be friends with him, we had some tough things to tackle as parents and our working together would make things much easier. So I held out an olive branch and said, "I need your help. Our son needs us together in mind right now.

So be friendly and forget the "being friends" part. Let go.

Quote:
Because (and I realize there may be a 2x4 coming, I'll hear it if there is) the only reason to pass that request on is for me to grant it.

Not a 2X but maybe a different perspective. From what you've written, your H has never been a real hands on parent, I don't mean he's not a good father but rather he's never had the full caretaker responsibility. The 2 of you made an agreement, either explicitly or implicitly, in regards to who the primary caretaker of the children would be. And now he's been cast into that role, albeit on a very part-time basis but maybe he's struggling to keep his head above water. Maybe the text was a call for validation of decisions he's making that he hasn't had to make before. Remember the steep learning curve of early motherhood?

We all make choices and those choices have both intended and unintended consequences. It's analogous to the LBHs who have a walkawaySAHW/M. Many times their answer to that problem is cut off the money and force her to get a job. What kind of job is a SAHM gonna get that will replace what the financial agreement of the marriage was? So we can't expect a SAHParent to walk into a fabulous job, nor can we expect the >FT, OOT a lot, busy executive to overnight become as skilled at parenting as someone with years of experience.

Quote:
I did many things wrong in our marriage. Many. But many of them were responsive to how lonely and abandoned I felt so much of the time...I feel super shaky when I don't see him or hear from him, and more anxious to reunite when I spend more time with him.

I hope what you said later about feeling like a whole person is true. This quote above is all you, no matter who else is in your life, you're the only one who can fix that.

How's finding a new C for you and D going?

You are trending up and that's all good.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2500603 10/25/14 03:18 PM
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Nice to hear from you again, Labug!

I don't know where that whole friends discussion came from. I didn't see anything I posted on my thread that prompted it, or if I did it wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'm not really in a place where friendship is something I'm considering. The space has been helpful and I still have a lot of practice to do on my changes before I can trust to keep them going in his presence. I hope that can be possible for the future.

We did manage to smile at one another as he was leaving with the kids yesterday, so that's something. It's enough for now.

We had been parenting together more cooperatively and that was good. Then H made a decision without telling me that went against everything I thought we'd agreed to, but he did it in the interest of trying to preserve peace among the children. Thank you for reminding me about the steep learning curve. I'll remember to keep that in the back of mind when things happen from here.

Yes, I am feeling like a whole person. I've done things that challenge me and that I'm excited about and I feel like life has more possibilities.

WRT to the counselor... I went to the community college to investigate ways I can increase some of my job skills to facilitate my search. They have a program there for displaced homemakers so I met with the woman coordinating that as well. She gave me a list of resources, including counselors, that are recommended by the person kept on staff to help people working through situations like mine. So I'll start figuring that out this week. I'm also going to get in touch with our outstanding school guidance counselor to hear some of her suggestions for getting D11 and S8 both some support. She knows them well and probably has out-of-the-box ideas for helping them open up.

D11 acted up the other day pretty badly, so I took her iPad away and told her that if she wanted it back she was going to have to watch a Brene Brown video. I thought of you when I came up with that. wink

When I said I feel shaky when I'm away from him, what I meant was that I feel shaky about my desire to reconcile the marriage. When I see him I want it fiercely. I would like the opportunity to get a "do over" -- and have the relationship with him that we should have had all along. It's certainly not going to be possible as things are (especially if he's dating someone else, or exploring that possibility).

But I've been enjoying my life in the last few weeks especially.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500606 10/25/14 03:25 PM
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zeus, Goatgirl started the friends discussion on page 1, I think. I'm catching up after being away. Maybe it's more their issue than yours. smile


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2500607 10/25/14 03:26 PM
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I think it came from something Lisa said on her page and then we crossed paths. Some of it was really useful anyway so I'm glad it's there for me to go back to.

Missed you, hope you had a great time wherever you were!!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500662 10/25/14 08:16 PM
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D11 says H is going to buy her something I thought we'd agreed she could buy herself.

If this is true... He and I must have very different ideas on how to raise our children. This needs to be resolved and I would really like to know he will abide by whatever we agree to.

Is this reasonable? Or will parenting be that much more difficult for the foreseeable future?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500664 10/25/14 08:22 PM
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"Or will parenting be that much more difficult for the foreseeable future?"
^^^ Yup




Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Jefe #2500665 10/25/14 08:24 PM
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That's been my argument for a while with the wife. You think we don't get along and can't agree on some things now, with till we go through a divorce. That always makes things easier, not.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Jefe #2500740 10/26/14 03:11 AM
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I had a great time tonight! No zip line but we made plans to do an additional outing. I got chased by guys with chainsaws! Very fun.

The best part was having the chance to really connect with my friend about more than just my marital problems. I felt like I've turned a corner in being able to be curious about other people again. I feel like myself. And she is lovely.

Trolling through my Facebook this evening... H made a rare post. This one all about what it's like to be an introvert. Sometimes I feel like he's posting messages to me. As if I don't know these things about him, even though I do. Our needs have been so extremely different for so long, though, and they were way out of balance. I don't want his to not be met any more than I want mine unmet. I wish he understood that about me. I don't know when he last cared about my needs.

Maybe that's a little cryptic. Well, I don't want to think any more about that stuff tonight. I've had two good days in a row. I can sleep happy.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500801 10/26/14 01:56 PM
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It will be difficult sometimes and sometimes it won't.

Sounds as if a conversation to clarify what "limits" means to each of you might be helpful. Men tend to be concrete thinkers, maybe he needs it all spelled out.

I wonder what their conversation actually was, don't you? smile


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Maybell #2500812 10/26/14 02:46 PM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
Or will parenting be that much more difficult for the foreseeable future?


I'm struggling with this a lot, too, Maybell.

"daddy lets me..." I could make a whole list.

I have to just let it go, for the most part. There are a couple of things that creep right onto the edge of safety issues for me, but most fall under 'lazy parenting': (too much TV, too many treats or juice, not brushing teeth, not holding her accountable for using polite manners, not following through when he threatens a consequence...) And I just have to let go of trying to control it all.

"How to talk so kids will listen" is a great great resource.

You can't control your H. You just can't. But that doesn't mean your daughter is doomed. You can be good enough for both of you. I know that I sometimes am guilty of projecting a little bit onto my D, especially when she pulls the mommy v. daddy crap. But I have to remember that she WANTS and needs me to have clear boundaries and stay calm and love her unconditionally, even when she acts like a brat.

And (dunno, this may not be good advice), perhaps this is a chance to validate and work on mutual understanding with your H re: parenting? I like that you are working on seeing it from his perspective more. They have them for such limited time, and have such guilt, that it can feel impossible to say No or to let the kids feel deprived or sad. Maybe if you tell him that you know this is hard for him, and you know his choices are coming from a place of love, and not just criticize his parenting, will allow HIM to step up more? He'll never be motivated by complaints about his parenting, right? He'll justify his choices and convince himself that you are just too strict or whatever. (That's what my H would do).

I dunno. I don't know what the F I'm doing, so don't listen to me! My D tells me, "I got to watch Sponge Bob and drank juice and ate pizza and then ice cream for dinner!", and I reply, 'Wow, that sounds fun!" And I don't ever say anything to him about it. So I'm clearly not an expert...


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2500819 10/26/14 03:40 PM
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Is it possible I'm just too suspicious and judgmental and self-absorbed to be capable of being in a successful marriage?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500820 10/26/14 03:50 PM
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I seriously doubt that - besides some people really go for independent and decisive.

we all want what's best for our kids but sometimes its about not sweating the small stuff.

My W's family are constantly bad mouthing SILs XH in front of his son and I think that one day this is going to backfire. That's his dad and he enjoys the time there and sooner or later he us going to resent the criticism of him.

If its a big issue then you need to discuss it if not then worry about the boundaries you want to set.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Maybell #2500823 10/26/14 04:09 PM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
Is it possible I'm just too suspicious and judgmental and self-absorbed to be capable of being in a successful marriage?


NO WAY. These are issues that can always be worked on. Don't put yourself down. No one can claim to lack these issues. Its what level it effects you. It's how you and your partner deal with them.


Take care

jim0987 #2500824 10/26/14 04:10 PM
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D11 has always been really challenging to me and one of my very large complaints in the marriage was that I always felt so alone in trying to figure out how to parent her. It wasn't limited to the marriage, either. I asked for help from teachers, pediatricians, books, other moms... I felt SO ALONE and so inadequate. I wanted at least my H to be on my team but he just threw his hands up in the air and said he didn't know either. Which is fine... But it would have helped me to feel like at least he was helping me search for solutions rather than just throwing me to the wolves.

What made it worse was how judgmental all our family was about it. Both our parents and my sister in law told me all the time about how THEY would never "let her get away with" the stuff I supposedly let her get away with. Those voices never left my mind when she acted up, no matter how many thousand miles away they were.

I love and miss my husband. I'd like us to be a team on this. I doubt we ever really were and that is a really big deal.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500826 10/26/14 04:28 PM
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Well, look at that. I just had a mini meltdown. That was unexpected.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500831 10/26/14 05:04 PM
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The fact that you have looked for answers in all of those places is better than most, already.

Did you ever ask your H to simply be on your team as a parent, not just for ideas or solutions? He may have felt inadequate to help you if he thought you needed answers from him, leading him to withdraw. If he knew you really needed his support and teamwork more than anything, maybe he would have felt more open to providing that?

I ask not so you will regret the past but to have hope for how it could be different in the future if your WAH seeks to R

Last edited by Card29; 10/26/14 05:07 PM.

Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2500833 10/26/14 05:09 PM
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I don't think either of us would have known what that looked like. We tend to lean towards the concrete. And we never discussed a cohesive idea of what values we wanted to instill in our kids. Or our goals as a couple. I tried a few times but he said his brain doesn't work that way and he preferred to just wing it. And yet he says that he feels like we agree on the big picture issues.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500840 10/26/14 05:25 PM
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Hi maybell. Meltdowns are fine. Let it out. We all parent the best we can. No one has all the answers and anyone can judge. I have read all your posts and unless you have a split personality don't let others judge you. Take care

rd500 #2500854 10/26/14 07:17 PM
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The cOW is still liking pics of my kids. I did up my D's hair and let her try on my makeup, and H posted a picture of how pretty she looked.

I wish she'd get fired. Or my H would. I used to think that was the worst that could happen, but I'd rather be poor and working out our problems than have her still floating around as a little splinter in his life. I wish he had the cojones to boot her out of his life and face why our M failed. I wish I wish I wish.

I prayed at church this morning for clarity and a sign of what path I'm meant to walk. Now I see she liked that pic of MY daughter, I wonder if that's a sign.

What's wrong with me today? Besides not sleeping well after haunted house nightmares...


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500857 10/26/14 07:34 PM
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Maybell, I hate to say it but my WAH's OW was also his coworker and she no longer works there anymore and I don't think it matters that much. If she still worked with him daily maybe he would get a chance to become irritated by her. But no, instead she is an unreachable sparkling star that he misses seeing every day...

Sorry you are having a downswing. It will pass soon I hope. I am having a bad PMA day as well.

Hugs, Lisa

Maybell #2500874 10/26/14 08:30 PM
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Look, Maybell, I notice that a lot of OWs tend to take picutres of themselves with the LBH's kids as in "I am not so bad at all!" Talk abult low-self esteem and they feel the need to prop themselves by holding up the kiddos as a way to burnish their reputations.

It's a lot like Jabba the Hut taking picture of himself with Shirley Temple in the hopes that someone would think Jabba is a stand up guy. NOT!!

Wonka #2500875 10/26/14 08:34 PM
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She has never met my kids and is in another country. She just is liking the pictures of my kids that my H posts on Instagram.

I don't know why I'm fretting so much about this. Except that Starsky says my M can't be reconciled until my H has ZERO contact with her. I'm just so tired of this. I want the chance to be the sort of wife I meant to be. Although I'm struggling with that part so much too that maybe it's just as well we're not really speaking to one another at the moment (except about the kids).


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500877 10/26/14 08:36 PM
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Maybell, the OW knows exactly what she's doing...the method is irrelevant...by liking pics of the kiddos, she's trying to better herself in H's eyes. Not too surprising at all.

She's nuthin, honey.

Maybell #2500879 10/26/14 08:38 PM
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Maybell, the OW knows exactly what she's doing...the method is irrelevant...by liking pics of the kiddos, she's trying to get on H's good side by liking ANYTHING he posts. Not too surprising at all.

She's nuthin, honey.

Wonka #2500881 10/26/14 08:40 PM
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Thank you for that, Wonka. I hope things are good in Candyland. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500909 10/26/14 10:22 PM
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Well, I was just on FB and he has friended her and she openly liked his introvert thing. I guess I've lost.

I guess my PMA wasn't real. I'm falling to bits and he'll be home with the kids in an hour. I prayed for a sign. I guess that was it.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500911 10/26/14 10:29 PM
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Maybell, I'm sorry - I may have missed some nuance in your social media situation. You knew they were in contact before because of the Instagram account, correct? Has anything changed - or is it the fact that he openly friended her?


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
raliced #2500912 10/26/14 10:32 PM
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Openly.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500914 10/26/14 10:38 PM
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Mmphpmphh....

I'm sorry Maybell - I'm not sure if he's being clueless or just disrespectful. Everyone on these boards joined with the intention of saving their marriages - but so often you read a story and think - geesh what it is about this guy that makes such an awesome lady put up with so much?

And this is one of those moments.

BTW- I don't think your PMA wasn't real. A gutpunch is a gutpunch is a gutpunch.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Maybell #2500915 10/26/14 10:39 PM
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Maybell,

You've got to stop that stinkin' thinkin'!!! Seriously. When it seems that all odds are stacked against you, then wham! Things change with a roll of the dice. Trust the DB process. Don't let the OW use your head space rent-free, honey.

D-O-N'-T....!!!

raliced #2500916 10/26/14 10:41 PM
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smile Thanks, raliced.

I don't know why I would be willing to put up with this mess. I guess I'm hoping it will be like T0324 that being in the open will bring it too a head and a resolution sooner.

I have three amazing children whose world has been rocked. And will be rocked further by this unless it resolves. They deserve our best efforts. Eighteen years deserves our best efforts.

sigh. Wish me strength for when he brings the kids back in 45 minutes or so.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500917 10/26/14 10:43 PM
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Wonka, I don't think it's the OW. It's that he openly friended her on FB knowing I'm there. He still lists me as his wife, for God's sake!!

Am I really stinkin' thinkin? Do they really change that quickly? It's hard to believe. Even having seen how things worked for Train and T and their sitches were way worse than mine.

I guess it can. I hope it does. I am tired of being blindsided like this.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500918 10/26/14 10:46 PM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
Well, I was just on FB and he has friended her and she openly liked his introvert thing. I guess I've lost.


If this isn't stinkin' thinkin', then what is it, Maybell??

Wonka #2500919 10/26/14 10:52 PM
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I know.

Stockdale.

I know it's not an attitude I should focus on, but just for the sake of venting, can I say that I HATE her and I hope karma gets her???

I'd use stronger language but I'd like to at least keep an eye on the high road.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500921 10/26/14 11:00 PM
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Maybell. What are you doing worrying about fb etc?

I unfriended WAW so I can't see what she posts. She can see mine but I don't want to see hers. It was really hard, by I did it.

Mind you, it doesn't help that my mum and brother told me, but that's another matter :-)


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Old Dog #2500922 10/26/14 11:02 PM
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Some of my goals had had to do with him liking things I posted on FB. I'm thinking of unfriend ing him but I'm so upset right now that I don't think I should make thus decision today.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500928 10/26/14 11:08 PM
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Maybell,

I'm sorry you are having a tough day. I name dropped and unfriended xh when he was openly with OW. Was it the right thing to do? Honestly I have no clue. I just felt funny listing someone as my h when they were discussing their R with OW. No rush on your decision. Mull it over and whatever you decide will be what's best for you. Social media has really changed some things that we never thought required a discussion.

Sending you positive vibes :-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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How should I act when he arrives with kids in 20 minutes?

I am a STRONG woman. This is not going to floor me. My values and goals have not changed. But I am very angry.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500930 10/26/14 11:13 PM
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Maybell - this is just me - but I think reacting out of anger never helps the situation, particularly if your kids are around and, much like the decision to unfriend, you should let this sit for a day or two. If its possible - I would try to just maintain the status quo (not sure how long your exchanges last) and not let him see you are upset. I know that is very very hard to do - and lord knows I have failed at it several times recently. Worst case scenario - maybe tell him you will talk to him about it later.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
raliced #2500931 10/26/14 11:14 PM
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Thank you. What I thought was right too. But I'm angry and not sure how clearly I'm thinking.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500933 10/26/14 11:18 PM
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I know- All I can say is that my biggest regrets about how I have handled myself since BD all revolve around reactions I had when I was really angry about some fresh outrage. And I can say- those reaction, however justified, invariably made the situation worse.

Good Luck!


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
raliced #2500935 10/26/14 11:24 PM
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Maybell,

Raliced is right. One thing I've learned is that reacting never gives desired results. Be cordial and happy to see the kids.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
raliced #2500936 10/26/14 11:26 PM
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Can you make it a quick handover? Less chance of anger surfacing.

And re Facebook. You can unfriendly him and he won't know, but he will still be able to see and comment on your posts. I found that I was always looking for my wife's posts or comments and my heart would jump or sink or something or other. My flatmate advised me to unfriendly and I'm glad I did. It has help me with detaching.

Come on girl, you can do this. You are super strong. We're all rooting for you.


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Old Dog #2500940 10/26/14 11:37 PM
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He is gone and I was normal.

Yes, I am strong and I can do this.

I prayed for clarity and I can't tell if this is the sign I prayed for or if this was a necessary step on the path to reconciliation.

But good for me for controlling myself. At least I know my changes are taking root. For whatever the future holds.

Thank you all for rallying.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500941 10/26/14 11:42 PM
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Atta girl Maybell! Proud of you!


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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Lol, her "like" was deleted. But I won't get notifications about him anymore. So I'll have to make a decision to look. That will do for now.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500944 10/27/14 12:14 AM
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Don't go unfriending, just block notifications. It means he can still see your stuff (which is good) then you can not see his notifications.

He can still see kids etc. make fb work for you not against.

Last edited by Ggrass; 10/27/14 12:14 AM.

M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
raliced #2500945 10/27/14 12:19 AM
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Glad to hear it, Maybell.

Been thinking of you a lot. Yes, you are very strong.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2500947 10/27/14 12:43 AM
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Make fb show him gal! Get in his face with what he's missing, but just by way

It's gunna keep him connected and thinking of you if your name appears in his news feed. Just my 2cents. So long as your stuff is just positive pic of the kids and outtings no cryptic double meaning stuff that could be taken either way.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Ggrass #2500951 10/27/14 12:55 AM
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Maybell, I wouldn't worry too much about the FB thing, he didn't necessarily friend her out of undying love, maybe she just sent him a request and he accepted out of wimpiness or maybe out of curiosity.. who knows! Don't let it ruin your PMA.

It's so easy to read into the posts, comments, likes... and of course we try to figure out the meaning behind everything and often we are wrong. I do this all the time so I banned myself from looking at his profile for a while and that helped a lot.

Try not to let it bug you too much and just use FB to your advantage with awesome pics and posts of you GALing away. Even if H doesn't notice, at least your friends and relatives will be jealous of how amazing your life is and how gorgeous you look! smile

I totally know what you are going through, similar FB strife on my end here too.

big hug,
Lisa

LisaB #2500968 10/27/14 01:30 AM
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Ok.

I accept that he has some sort of relationship with her which I can not control.
I also accept that he will lie and/or dodge accepting responsibility for the truth of this relationship and its consequences on our family.

I also accept that he is not going to change or become a more responsible or admirable person anytime soon.

I accept that he is not a person with whom a relationship would be either healthy or desirable right now.

None of these truths MUST harm me. They are no commentary on my desirability, on my quality, or my worthiness.

I can decide to walk away at any time because I have that power and right, regardless of his choices. I also have the power and right to remain standing for the marriage until I am done. I am not yet done and that's ok. I do not owe anyone any explanation for that choice.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2500972 10/27/14 01:35 AM
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Go maybell.

You can also protect you, from his issues. So blocking his stuff from your eyes feed is ok and best for you. Or even if you want unfriending.

Darkness is not to make them do anything, it's to help you gain space and clarity and healing. Hence I'm still pretty dark. He doesn't contact yet blames me for the darkness.

He has taken the victim role totally 100% and all his assciates the same stance. Angry woman should be tossed to the curb in most men's opinion. Read the dance of anger I have read it in the past, it's very eye opening and I cannot believe I had forgotten I had the damn thing. It would have been so helpful last year.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Ggrass #2501001 10/27/14 03:09 AM
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Great post, Maybell. Your WAH is a fool right now


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2501002 10/27/14 03:20 AM
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Maybell, that post totally rocked!

Card29 #2501003 10/27/14 03:21 AM
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Proud of you MB. Nice regroup.

I see my psychiatrist twice a year for 15 minutes. Last time I talked to him I gave him a 3 minute version of what had happened and how I'm trying to handle it. He told me that while it isn't easy, he's never seen me look better. He said "in the past, you've been overwhelmed by your problems and have tried to run from them or avoid them. Now you have bigger problems, but so what, you're DEALING with them. The only people without problems are dead people, so keep learning tools to handle them as they come and it will work out". I feel I could say the same for you. This stinks, but you're taking it head on, steering your attitude, handling the bad feelings as they come, and living in a way that you can be proud of.

Oh, he also said "you're up here and she's down here. (Hand gestures). She's blaming you for everything and avoiding her own problems. As long as that happens you have to keep moving on by yourself. You can't go down there to be with her. She'll need to decide to come up here to be with you. Not everyone can do that but that's the only way."

Point is it made me realize they just aren't strong enough. Has nothing to do with you or I. Just a hard hill to climb. But we have to keep on the path. With or without them there is nothing good for us 'down there'.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Old Dog #2501023 10/27/14 09:05 AM
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FB is something that has been keeping me from dropping the rope and detaching more than I am. My W switched status to separated, that killed me. Then she openly posted things that made it worse. I have debated blocking her but its hard to do as I am still hopefully I can use FB as a means to show PMA, 180's etc. as we are further apart right now. I could not imagine being in the situation your in with your H. I think you are handling it much better than me. To be honest just thinking of her plans to go out for her birthday in couple weeks while I have the kids causes me alot of anxiety. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


Me 38
WAW 40
S 10
S 5
M 5 years
BD 10/04/14
S 10/04/14
CMS #2501027 10/27/14 09:35 AM
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Thank you, CMS. I've had 15 months to get to this place and a ton of guidance and support here. You've had two weeks. Don't try to eat the elephant! You'll get there. It does take time.

It occurs to me that my H made these choices after a series of four major life stressors from October 2011 to the move & start of new job (and affair) in January 2013; discovery of the affair in July 2013 and decision to move out in April 2014 added two more, so six major life stressors in 2 1/2 years heaped on a person with poor coping skills in a stressful job I suppose it was inevitable that he would crash. Without regard to my poor coping skills and the not-great condition of our marriage.

Well, it will be interesting to see how this plays out.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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CMS - it is possible to unfollow someone on FB without unfriending/blocking them. As I understand they can't see that you have unfollowed them.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
gan #2501032 10/27/14 09:52 AM
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Yes. You can hide someone's posts without unfriending them.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2501035 10/27/14 10:12 AM
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Make it work for you not against you, unfollow his news feed. Google can help with this.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Maybell #2501093 10/27/14 02:46 PM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
Ok.

I accept that he has some sort of relationship with her which I can not control.
I also accept that he will lie and/or dodge accepting responsibility for the truth of this relationship and its consequences on our family.

I also accept that he is not going to change or become a more responsible or admirable person anytime soon.

I accept that he is not a person with whom a relationship would be either healthy or desirable right now.

None of these truths MUST harm me. They are no commentary on my desirability, on my quality, or my worthiness.

I can decide to walk away at any time because I have that power and right, regardless of his choices. I also have the power and right to remain standing for the marriage until I am done. I am not yet done and that's ok. I do not owe anyone any explanation for that choice.

Sometimes we have to walk through the fire to get to this^^^ We only get stronger and closer to our real selves by doing the difficult stuff. By asking the question "Do I control me or do I let this person, this situation, this emotion control me?"

And the next time you're triggered you can look back at this and take strength from remembering, "I've been here before and I got through it. I didn't die, the sky didn't fall. I can do this again."

We're all tested by things outside our control throughout life. Learning to manage us makes it possible to live a happy life, an honorable life, a joyful life.

A past member of this board posted this on FB. It's a meme so you may have seen it: One day she finally grasped that unexpected things were always going to happen in life. And with that she realized the only control she had was how she chose to handle them. So she made the decision to survive using courage, humor and grace. She was the queen of her own life and the choice was hers.

Have a great week, Woman Who Owns Her Life. smile

ht to needsGrace (( ))


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2501156 10/27/14 06:37 PM
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Today I observe in myself that I feel sad and a little impatient about H and OW. Also that I'm not sure what I want him back for, but I do. And that I have a lot of dread, anxiety, a little guilt, and some anger about the impact of the separation and possibility of divorce on my kids.

Also I have a job interview Friday with excellent prospects and the thought of scrambling for childcare and change in my lifestyle is both exciting and terrifying.

And in spite of these worries, I still feel good about myself. I still feel whole. I am still ok.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2501488 10/28/14 03:59 PM
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Labug said:

Quote:
There's a big funk over this board this week. Let's all do a gratitude list.


1. I'm grateful for the really amazing yoga class I enjoyed this morning.
2. I'm grateful for my job interview on Friday and for the SEVEN friends who gushed with me over it yesterday afternoon.
3. I'm grateful for the amazing friends who have stepped up to network me around.
4. I'm grateful for my brothers and their love and support. And I'm especially grateful that I'll be seeing one of them this weekend.
5. I'm grateful for all the different kinds of support on this board - from the vets who direct me to grow and offer resources to help me, to the peers who are struggling alongside me and offer hugs when needed, that I never feel alone.
6. I'm REALLY grateful for my amazing children, who are interesting and creative and loving. I'm grateful for the evolution in my relationships with them in the last six months and for how we've all four drawn closer to one another.
7. I'm grateful for fiction. Deeply grateful.
8. I'm grateful for myself. I'm better than I ever realized and I enjoy learning and pushing through the fears that have held me back most of my life.
9. I'm grateful that I have the resources to explore what interests and excites me. I'm grateful that my H hasn't tried to curtail that.
10. I'm grateful for fall. This weather isn't about endings for me, its' about gathering strength for new beginnings, and that resonates with me so much right now.

NAMASTE.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2501492 10/28/14 04:12 PM
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1) I am grateful for those who have given me good advice throughout my life.
2) I am grateful for sleep, which I seem to be getting more of now.
3) I am grateful for Hope, in spite of all that has transpired.
4) I am grateful that, of all the people I have told of my decision to keep DB'g, and hoping for restoration post-divorce, only ONE has looked at me like I'm a fool. Easily 20 or more have been supportive and/or told me that they admire my approach.
5) The Royals in the World Series, and friends to watch the games with. Hey, if that can happen...
6) I am grateful that I found my engagement pictures with my XW.
7) My job is exceptional, and my co-workers are bright and weird.

Hey, Maybell/labug - great job getting this going.


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
Shakspr #2501508 10/28/14 04:42 PM
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1. I am grateful for my D2. Smart, cute and has a really good sense of humor.
2. I am grateful for my family. I am lucky to have ~50 immediate and extended family living in my town.
3. I am grateful for not having food poisoning today, and for the Phenergan that WAW brought me last night...it sent me into a restful, peaceful coma.
4. I am grateful for my job. Flexible hours for an engineer is somewhat rare.
5. I am grateful for music...playing piano (classical, Christmas, pop/rock), listening to all types. Lately I have loved listening to salsa music - no emotional connection to WAW!
6. Speaking of, I am grateful for salsa dancing.
7. I am grateful for finally detaching from my obsession with the local sports team. I lived and died with them for years, and since they rarely win the championship, I was almost always upset because of them. I'm now at the point I've always wanted to be - enjoying the games while not being affected too much with a loss.
8. I am grateful for science fiction.
9. I am grateful for the beautiful fall foliage.
10. I am grateful for DB.com and everyone on here.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2501521 10/28/14 04:58 PM
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11. And I am grateful for the 5K Training thread!


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2501602 10/28/14 07:16 PM
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1) I'm grateful for my amazing and excitable children
2) I'm grateful for the fact my job is flexible enough to let me enjoy time with them
3) I'm grateful my boss has been understanding about why my work has suffered
4) I'm grateful for the pay rise which means I can keep the house and give a shred of stability to my kids
5) I'm grateful that I better understand my emotional triggers
6) I'm grateful that I can use my new understanding to build a better relationship with my dad
7) I'm grateful for the small but dedicated group of friends and family who are standing by me. There is nothing that could have helped limit the damage to my self esteem more than their response
8) I'm grateful to the advice on here that has helped me to grasp and own my failings
9) and finally I'm grateful for my STBXW, she has given me happy memories beautiful kids and taught me what it is to love.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2501676 10/28/14 09:05 PM
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This isn't a meltdown but a moment of heartache. A mom at school reported that my H was flirting with a blond on Friday while he was out with my kids. I asked a dad I know was with him and he confirmed that my H had indeed been talking to this woman and that he later texted my friend asking for her contact info on the pretext that the kids had gotten their goody bags mixed up. That didn't happen or my son would have told me so. I have the goody bag in my kitchen.

So my H, who used to be so reliable, who loved me and held my hand or put his hand in my lap when we were on road trips, found wine tours for us to take when we lived on the west coast, and picked out this antique farm house to live in with me when we moved here... He's trolling the local dating pool and doing it in a way that is likely to get back to me. He's dressing up as Walter White for Halloween. He is behaving like the sort of person he used to laugh at and that makes other people report that they find him offensive. Even his BIL, who is his best friend since seventh grade, is making pointed comments about what a good man should want from life.

Can someone please tell me when this will all be over?

Note to self: don't let moms hold my PMA hostage with playground gossip.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2501681 10/28/14 09:21 PM
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Maybell -

These WAH act in ways that are astonishing to those of us in the 'right' state of mind. He is acting out for whatever reason that may be. Let him do his own thing and most importantly do not let others know what gets to you. Maybe you could politely ask not to be informed of things you do not want to be? Looking back, and you know all about hindsight, but I should have realized who my friends were and were not. I have gained some friends and lost quite a few but at the end I gained QUALITY not quantity. I realized who was really my friend and who would just call to 'fill me in' or get any details. My road home for H wasn't very smooth, I did try to leave it as smooth as possible but there are definitely some bumps in there that I wish I could change. I just want you to learn possibly from my mistakes. Figure out who are your friends: don't share details with people you cannot trust and follow your gut. It usually won't steer you wrong.

As far as your H. Let him go on his crazy ride. Who knows, it may end up back with you but that's a choice he has to make. Make the most of your interactions with him. Not about talking but just about your behavior. I know I've said this a thousand times and everyone is different but it really irked my H that I was dressed up at basketball, laughing, talking, on my phone quite often (usually texting my mom haha) but he didn't know... And I was always dressed nice, bit my tongue to force a smile and act friendly, short and always in a hurry to get the boys moving because we had things to do.

I also remember Claire saying to me. Maybe there is a place in your heart where you can feel sorry for your H. That he is behaving the way he is and hurting those around him. It is really sad if you think about it. That once such a great man has turned his life upside down


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2501693 10/28/14 09:46 PM
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Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2501695 10/28/14 09:48 PM
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Thank you, T, I appreciate the helpful words.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2501709 10/28/14 10:19 PM
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Today's horoscope:

Upsetting news that you receive from far away, perhaps by phone or email, could send you into an emotional tailspin. There's an aura of uncertainty about what you hear - it may not make sense. Before you pass along the news or panic, Aries, make sure you know all the facts. You're likely to find that it's been blown all out of proportion. In view of this, you deserve an evening out.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2501718 10/28/14 10:55 PM
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Maybell,

I know hearing about your H's flirting antics has got to sting.
How could it not?

This will test your skill at re-framing his actions to reflect your knowledge that IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

You know you shouldn't take it personally.

At this point he is thinking of nothing but himself and his own happiness. He's grasping at straws. Maybe he will wake up one day, maybe he won't. But either way, it's not about you, although I know it feels like it.

(Now, if I could just take my own advice on that! smile )
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, this would be the perfect time to get back to your "Gratitude Thread"!

I try and do this myself every morning when I catch myself dreading what another day might bring.
So--- right before I throw up after the latest nightmare, this is what I review in my mind.
(Okay, so there are more things but I'm limiting it to ten. One of the "more things" were some really incredible dreams about a wonderful future which included some serious romance with someone new... that's nice for a change.)

1. I am grateful for everyone on this board. I am alone most of the time and with you guys I don't feel so isolated.

2. I am grateful for my own adaptability. I learn, I grow, I get better. I have overcome many obstacles in my life. For example, people who meet me now would never suspect that I have Asperger's or ADD. That speaks volumes about how MUCH I have improved my social skills. Of course, now I have people who think I'm making it up. smile

3. I am grateful for my old and new friends who have been so supportive of me during this time. Granted, I don't always agree with their advice, but I know their hearts are in the right place. I know they care about me and value me as a person.

4. I am grateful that H has not been as hellacious as some other spouses I've read about. He's pretty tame by comparison.

5. I am grateful that I have the freedom to pursue my passions, that I still have a working vehicle, a roof over my head, money to buy groceries/pet food, and Netflix. I do not want financially and I do appreciate that H has kept this going for me, if nothing else.

6. I am grateful for the unconditional love of my animals. They are always there adoring me for just being alive. They give me the physical affection I have been lacking otherwise. To them--I AM a GODDESS!

7. I am grateful for good health. I do suffer from some ailments but it's nothing life-threatening. More chronic pain... but in that vein, I am GRATEFUL FOR GOOD DRUGS! Chemistry has allowed me to sleep, to eat, and to ease the incredible anxiety I've felt for over a year now.

8. I am grateful for being adopted by parents who, although they were not perfect, instilled in me a sense of myself as a person of value, and who allowed me to be me.
I learned to learn, to be curious, to question, and to stretch myself. They exposed me to many things and taught me to think for myself.
As an ugly-duckling, socially awkward, Asperger-y Smarty-Pants, Fat, Bucktoothed NERD, my mother somehow made me believe I was beautiful. Because she saw me that way.

So many years later, people see me as "beautiful". Which astounds me.
But I think it's that my "inner beauty" that projects outward. I'm no fashion model.
But at my last dance weekend, a young (HOT!!!!) guy was just sitting on the sidelines and he said, very quietly:
"My god. I just LOVE... watching you dance!"
(Under other circumstances, I might have asked him to tell me more about this... but I am GRATEFUL for the good sense to know when to walk away. smile )
But hot guy aside, I get this comment all the time. For which I am grateful, even though my dancing is about me feeling good, not about looking good, but hey, I'll take it!

9. So---I am grateful that I can still KICK ASS on the dance floor, in the DJ booth, on stage, and in the recording studio. WHOOP! WHOOP!! (Hands in the air!!!!) And I know I'm not close to done. I'm still learning and doing more every day. I'll quit when I'm dead.

10. I am grateful that my regrets in this life are few. That I learn from my mistakes. That I take things to heart. That my life (hopefully) still has enough days left to make the most of what I'm learning EVERY. DARN. DAY. That when the end comes, I can say "I did the best I could. And you know? It was pretty impressive!"

Better days to come, Maybell. BELIEVE IT.


Your Pal,

The Goat Gal


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



GoatGal #2501723 10/28/14 11:21 PM
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GoatGal, I love you. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2501726 10/28/14 11:24 PM
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Back atcha (((Maybell))).

When are we doing First Friday?

smile


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



GoatGal #2501731 10/28/14 11:45 PM
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Maybell, sorry to have to hear this dumb gossip. I love the horoscope! How funny.

Try not to let it get to you too much. I would echo what others said: let him go on his own dumb path. It's the only way for him to learn, to go through whatever he is going through, and maybe he will come out the other side a better person with more sense. Let's hope. I hope the same for my wacky WAH who used to be the most admirable person I knew and is now behaving like people he laughed at - exactly as you said.

I wish you a wonderful rest of the day!
Hugs, Lisa

LisaB #2501765 10/29/14 01:27 AM
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Thanks, Lisa!

This evening I lined my kids up and made each of them tell me the best, hardest, and kindest things about their day... And they all did it, and then some! Then watched tv together and I carried on reading Harry Potter. It takes ages to get through one chapter because they are so eager to share with me. Our new closeness is a tremendous blessing. Absolutely worth losing my husband over, and something I need to preserve no matter what.

I have my PMA back. It was just a wobble. The person who shared that meant well but I will ask her not to in the future.

I'm all good. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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