"Or will parenting be that much more difficult for the foreseeable future?" ^^^ Yup
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
That's been my argument for a while with the wife. You think we don't get along and can't agree on some things now, with till we go through a divorce. That always makes things easier, not.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I had a great time tonight! No zip line but we made plans to do an additional outing. I got chased by guys with chainsaws! Very fun.
The best part was having the chance to really connect with my friend about more than just my marital problems. I felt like I've turned a corner in being able to be curious about other people again. I feel like myself. And she is lovely.
Trolling through my Facebook this evening... H made a rare post. This one all about what it's like to be an introvert. Sometimes I feel like he's posting messages to me. As if I don't know these things about him, even though I do. Our needs have been so extremely different for so long, though, and they were way out of balance. I don't want his to not be met any more than I want mine unmet. I wish he understood that about me. I don't know when he last cared about my needs.
Maybe that's a little cryptic. Well, I don't want to think any more about that stuff tonight. I've had two good days in a row. I can sleep happy.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
It will be difficult sometimes and sometimes it won't.
Sounds as if a conversation to clarify what "limits" means to each of you might be helpful. Men tend to be concrete thinkers, maybe he needs it all spelled out.
I wonder what their conversation actually was, don't you?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Or will parenting be that much more difficult for the foreseeable future?
I'm struggling with this a lot, too, Maybell.
"daddy lets me..." I could make a whole list.
I have to just let it go, for the most part. There are a couple of things that creep right onto the edge of safety issues for me, but most fall under 'lazy parenting': (too much TV, too many treats or juice, not brushing teeth, not holding her accountable for using polite manners, not following through when he threatens a consequence...) And I just have to let go of trying to control it all.
"How to talk so kids will listen" is a great great resource.
You can't control your H. You just can't. But that doesn't mean your daughter is doomed. You can be good enough for both of you. I know that I sometimes am guilty of projecting a little bit onto my D, especially when she pulls the mommy v. daddy crap. But I have to remember that she WANTS and needs me to have clear boundaries and stay calm and love her unconditionally, even when she acts like a brat.
And (dunno, this may not be good advice), perhaps this is a chance to validate and work on mutual understanding with your H re: parenting? I like that you are working on seeing it from his perspective more. They have them for such limited time, and have such guilt, that it can feel impossible to say No or to let the kids feel deprived or sad. Maybe if you tell him that you know this is hard for him, and you know his choices are coming from a place of love, and not just criticize his parenting, will allow HIM to step up more? He'll never be motivated by complaints about his parenting, right? He'll justify his choices and convince himself that you are just too strict or whatever. (That's what my H would do).
I dunno. I don't know what the F I'm doing, so don't listen to me! My D tells me, "I got to watch Sponge Bob and drank juice and ate pizza and then ice cream for dinner!", and I reply, 'Wow, that sounds fun!" And I don't ever say anything to him about it. So I'm clearly not an expert...
I seriously doubt that - besides some people really go for independent and decisive.
we all want what's best for our kids but sometimes its about not sweating the small stuff.
My W's family are constantly bad mouthing SILs XH in front of his son and I think that one day this is going to backfire. That's his dad and he enjoys the time there and sooner or later he us going to resent the criticism of him.
If its a big issue then you need to discuss it if not then worry about the boundaries you want to set.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Is it possible I'm just too suspicious and judgmental and self-absorbed to be capable of being in a successful marriage?
NO WAY. These are issues that can always be worked on. Don't put yourself down. No one can claim to lack these issues. Its what level it effects you. It's how you and your partner deal with them.
D11 has always been really challenging to me and one of my very large complaints in the marriage was that I always felt so alone in trying to figure out how to parent her. It wasn't limited to the marriage, either. I asked for help from teachers, pediatricians, books, other moms... I felt SO ALONE and so inadequate. I wanted at least my H to be on my team but he just threw his hands up in the air and said he didn't know either. Which is fine... But it would have helped me to feel like at least he was helping me search for solutions rather than just throwing me to the wolves.
What made it worse was how judgmental all our family was about it. Both our parents and my sister in law told me all the time about how THEY would never "let her get away with" the stuff I supposedly let her get away with. Those voices never left my mind when she acted up, no matter how many thousand miles away they were.
I love and miss my husband. I'd like us to be a team on this. I doubt we ever really were and that is a really big deal.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
