Maybell XVII

[Maybell]

Maybell XVI

A day or two before he left, my MIL told my H that her parents had gone to marriage counseling when she was a kid, that they'd never been happy and that she'd been wondering lately whether they'd done the right thing by staying together. She told H that "kids deserve to grow up in a happy home."

Last night I had a dream about her and my H in which I was yelling at her for saying that and for being 600 miles away and having no idea of what the dynamics in our home were for her to make that sort of statement. I woke up really angry and upset and it took a couple of hours to settle back down and go to sleep.

I want to forgive him for leaving. I really, really do. But I don't know how to do it, or what forgiveness looks like. I feel like I need to give continuous forgiveness for each day that he's gone, because each day is fresh injury to the kids especially.

I wonder a lot if I would be standing if we didn't have kids. I did many things wrong in our marriage. Many. But many of them were responsive to how lonely and abandoned I felt so much of the time. Or I'm looking back with WAS glasses because yesterday was rough, and because of my dream.

I guess I'm the opposite of a lot of you -- I feel super shaky when I don't see him or hear from him, and more anxious to reunite when I spend more time with him. I wonder if he feels the same way.

GAL plans: today, I have an appointment at the community college to get into their "displaced homemaker" program to help me find a job. Tomorrow, a community event with two acquaintances I don't know well (one is a single mom who is my age, though her son is 21!). Saturday, lunch alone with S8 while S6 goes to a birthday party and H takes D11, then in the evening a really awesome Halloween event that involves ziplining (wild & crazy!!). Sunday church.

[Hrdtims]

I am in a similar situation. My W would have left if it were not for the kids. She is working on it and confused. Maybe your H is also. When they decide and express that they are unhappy and we change they ultimately need to forgive and forget the bad to move on. They seem to only remember the bad as they concentrate on it so much during this time and refuse to think of the happy times that we have shared. It is odd the way the mind works....stay strong, I hear you.

[LisaB]

Hi Maybell,
I too have noticed that when I don't hear from my H I am nervous and unsettled and when I do see him I miss him more.

When I don't hear from him I usually try to remind myself that he is free to go on his own path and I can't control him. But I also sense that he is often experiencing similar feelings to mine. That when he doesn't hear from me he feels nervous and that when he sees me it makes him miss us. (unless I happen to be crazy and emotional in which case he gets terrified and is happy he is free of me)

I also sometimes dream of him and wake up anxious and upset like it really happened (again). No fun!

Hugs Maybell!
Lisa

[Card29]

Has anyone else caught themselves in a "positive fog"? Sometimes I convince myself that everything was golden. I know it wasn't, but there were obviously lots of great times, including in the months before BD. I think it's just a reaction to their negative fog.

Maybell, are your kids going to the Halloween event? That sounds like a blast. Is it a haunted zipline??

[LisaB]

Hi Card29, someone mentioned the Stockdale Paradox, an interesting take on this idea of a positive fog! Are you familiar with it?

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Maybell,

It sounds like you have some good things going on and fun stuff planned with the kids. In regards to feeling nervous when you don't hear from your h, I think that's normal. I think everyone has a unique reaction to their WAS and there isn't a right or wrong feeling.

I feel so much for many of the posters on this board. It's such a struggle to grasp the enormity of the changes in life post BD. However, even though everyone hopes to save their M, I don't think those changes are necessarily a bad thing. They are just different.

I was going cleaning out stuff last night and came across photos from our last family vacation. It was about 3 months prior to BD. I felt such a combination of emotions including sadness at the fact that my xh was thinking about leaving them and I was clueless. I briefly thought about what must have been going through his mind and stopped myself. Why? It really doesn't matter. It's probably something I will truly never understand and I see many people struggle with that. And I hate it for them. Some events will never give an adequate explanation as to the why.

Good luck on the job front and enjoy the kids:-)

[Maybell]

Card, it's a farm that does a Halloween extravaganza, including the zip line. In fact, there's a whole elevated "haunted" ropes course but that part is a lot extra. Just doing the zip line will be a huge challenge for me. The last time I did one was broad daylight twenty years ago, and I was so terrified they had me buckled in the harness and I was sobbing just with fear of heights, though I did make it across.

Kids are with H this weekend. This is an adult event, including farm-fresh concessions served onsite. D11 is quite jealous.

[Maybell]

So after a long email conversation last week about how D11 has way too much privilege in her life and what I thought was agreement between us on curtailing that, H put Netflix on her iPad and let her create her own profile. I'm very frustrated and angry. He didn't even tell me -- she did.

I'm trying to figure out how to address this with him in a reasonable way. Has anyone had success with co parenting classes or counseling? I do not want to spend the next twelve years being constantly undermined by my children's (insert highly frustrated adjective here) father.

This is so infuriating. It makes it hard to desire a reconciliation.

[Zues126]

Maybell...I talked to my DB coach about being friends. Personally I don't want to be friends with my STBX. Why?

-it hurts. It's easier when I keep my distance.
-i dont see the point in getting closer than i would if she or I was in another relationship. That means not very close.
-she's not a good friend. One that spews venom and only talks at me with no interest in my feelings is not a good friend, nor is one that acts how she's been acting and tearing apart a family.
-I resent the idea of her getting what she wants from me.

Personally I don see reconsciliation as likely at this point. Personally I don't miss my STBX or my old M. I miss the M I wished I had and the W I wished I had. But right now my only desire is to keep being ok on my own and protect myself from getting caught back up in drama.

My DB coach told me I was wrong. She told me that while we may be remarried someday, we're not now, so don't worry about that. She said that if I was disappointed with her character for walking away from a M because she 'didnt feel like it' then I needed to stand by my M even when I don't feel like it. She said that friendship was a critical step towards reconsciliation and that I needed to be strong, this was the hardest part when I start accepting the loss and want to move on. And she said withholding friendship out of resentment wasnt consistent with y beliefs, and that I had to act with compassion and patience.

She didn't actually say all that exactly, but those were my realizations and some of those were her words.

So I was friendly today. It hurt. I'm better when I'm not interacting with her. It hurts when I do. I resent the fact that I have to act in ways that hurt me so much when I'm doing it for someone that already broke my heart. I am frustrated that I am doing it when I don't even think it will make a difference.

But I'm doing it because I believe it's the right big for me to do, and because if we did reconsciliation my feelings would follow, and if we don't I'm hopefully better able to live with myself and in a better place. Personally it's so hard right now all I want to do is medicate somehow, that's why I'm on here so much lately. Prayin the day comes that the hard road pays off soon.

But one positive is I've received some very positive feedback from some of you all and my close friends about he way I've been handling it. For that I thank you.

Maybell, anyone, what do you think about that view of friends?

[Maybell]

Zues, I have been really, really impressed in the last few weeks with the wisdom and insight you've had to share here. I agree with everything you say here. I think I need a little time before I try to reach out very warmly. I have a lot to process to be able to be friendly without cracking.

I guess great parenting judgment goes hand in hand with great relationship judgment?

I politely asked him about it and he is now mad at HER for having played the gap between him and me to get what she wanted. Super curious when he's going to start taking responsibility for his own decisions, including parenting decisions.