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Originally Posted By: Drew
My point exactly: You're apologizing so YOU feel better. And if you're explaining, you're losing.

As others have said, let your actions do the talking.


All of this apology talk is very helpful for me. I was/am an over apologizer and my W would usually say that she didn't want my apologies. She rarely apologized herself so her's always felt genuine, mine probably didn't. Now I can see a better approach as quoted above.

I never thought about an apology just making me feel better, but I think that is my main motivation. I don't like people being upset at me so if I apologize I am freed of my guilt.

Good stuff too as I was thinking about apologizing for upsetting the W the other day. Now I won't. It would have just been an attempt to get her to reframe her views about me.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
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I can totally relate, Tarheel. I've been advised by my DB coach to pick up the ball if she drops it, but never be judgemental or critical. Guilt needs to come from herself, not from her husband.

Keep in mind that this advice may be tailored for my situation, but it seems like good overall advice that can apply in any situation where there are kids involved.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
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Originally Posted By: mindsin
Guilt needs to come from herself, not from her husband.
I like that. We really need to get out of the way, otherwise everything that's wrong is blamed on us. Also, by helping we're enabling.

I'm skeptical of the "it's for the good of the kids" argument that is often brought up here. I'm an involved father, so don't get me wrong: I want the best for them. But it seems to me like we use it too easily to have an excuse to interfere again, even if it's helpful. My main concern is that we sustain the bad situation by making up for it. The WAS has to step up to their responsibilities and the sooner the better.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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1st friendly neighbor interaction complete. W called earlier (was tempted to not answer) asking if she could stop by to take one of the dogs. We talked about her work function for a few mins while she was on her way.

Was only here for a few mins, but we got along fine as I helped load the dog crate. She even brought me a beer glass from the work function!



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Kudos for sticking to the script! She'll likely warm up a little, but don't get your hopes too high right away. It's still a very long journey ahead of you, only you're going in the right direction.


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Thanks Mozza. The negative interaction the other day really made me think on how I want to act towards W going forward. Here's what I've come to realize...

I can continue to express anger towards W, but what purpose does that serve? Feeling 'good' for about 2 mins? I'm a better person than that. I refuse to let my emotions control me. Anger going forward will only eat me up inside and doesn't benefit me in any way. So am I upset with W? Of course I am, but there's no need for that anger to rule my world. Hopefully at some point down the road W and I will be able to discuss things calmly and put it all behind us. But until then, I'm not going to let myself dwell in an angry, bitter state of mind.



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Sounds excellent!

I'm no vet, but I would take it a step further: our anger comes from the wrong place. It might just be what got us where we are. It's a continuation of the behavior that lead to the break up, a confirmation through our actions. It's part of our desire to control our W and hence ourselves (quoting my shrink here).

The day my W walked out, I realized I had no control over her anymore. Just like that. I can't attract her by being angry at her. I can't be in a healthy relationship with her if I'm angry when she leaves me because she hurts too much (my sitch). Being nice to them is not about setting up a trap so that we revert to control and anger when they recommit. It's about changing ourselves and be a man only a fool would leave. It's about being genuinely not angry, just accepting their perspective.

I encourage you to read about anger management. Even if you don't have a problem, I find it surprisingly instructive.


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I'm hosting a Halloween party for the kids and their friends this Sat at the house. W just text me asking if she was invited. Um....how do I respond??

She also asked if we could talk to the kids next week about their schedule since we have a lot going on this week. I want to be friendly, but if we end up D (which W seems to want to do), I don't plan on family time.



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My opinion -- Don't shun her away from family time, especially if she seems interested (as it seems so in this case -- asking if she's invited).

More happy moments as a family = More points added on the side of keeping the family intact.

When it comes to your W making the final decision on which path to choose (D or no D), you want her to think back and remember that family time = happy time.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 594
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I would extend the invitation. I think it was 25yearsmlc that has relayed a story of taking a family vacation when their marriage was on the rocks. The message was that she acted "as if" and it was an enjoyable time. Later when reconciling the H specifically talked about the good time on the vacation as one of the reasons to work on the marriage.

Or I could be mixing stories. Either way, I would invite, act "as if" and keep in mind it is for your children not you and your relationship.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
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