Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
MrBond #2499660 10/22/14 08:42 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,091
Likes: 12
C
Card29 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,091
Likes: 12
I did not tell her not to date. The main point I've made with her today is how dating while married makes me feel. And that is, I would feel disrespected and it was apparent to her that I don't want her to. I didn't say those words today. I asked if she understood how I feel, and she restated exactly how I feel. I confirmed, told her I was not judging her and that I simply wanted us to be clear regarding my feelings after the apparent miscommunication over the last 2-3 months (i.e. her fog leading her to believe I was okay with her dating only because she thought I was dating already).

If she dates, she will do so knowing how I feel, and that's all I was really hoping for out of this convo. Obviously I would greatly prefer that she not date OM, but I'm not going to attempt to control that. I just didn't want dating to happen simply because she somehow that I was condoning it. If this is enough to prevent her from choosing to date, great. If she chooses to date, that is her decision and I will do my best to protect myself. And if it comes to that, I will seek vet advice here before doing anything (setting boundaries around me).


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2499666 10/22/14 08:51 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
You do know that telling her that you're against her dating (very strongly) is a way of control. It's control through guilt.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2499721 10/22/14 10:53 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,091
Likes: 12
C
Card29 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,091
Likes: 12
I thought it was okay to tell WAS how I feel. Not always true? I can see your point. She apparently thought I was okay with her dating. How should I have handled that? I felt like anything other than telling her how it would make me feel (including saying nothing) would be validating her intentions. Thanks for your input, Bond

Last edited by Card29; 10/22/14 10:54 PM.

Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2499739 10/22/14 11:43 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
"I thought it was okay to tell WAS how I feel. Not always true?"

Telling her how you felt is fine. Once. But you kept doing it. That's control and insecurity on your part.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2499756 10/23/14 12:30 AM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,091
Likes: 12
C
Card29 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,091
Likes: 12
I see. I was hesitant to initiate the conversation today for that reason. I tried to keep it to clarification, which is why I let her tell me what she thinks I feel. But of course that couldn't happen without imposing those feelings on her again.

I should have no problem going back to not telling her how I feel. It is crystal clear to her now, and I went at least 2 full months, if not 3, without any R or feelings talk before Monday.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2499862 10/23/14 11:15 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 148
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 148
Card, I don't know your W or her mannerisms, but I heard the exact same thing from my W when I was in my needy stage of S.. She told me she would date if she wanted to, and it wasn't cheating or affair etc as in her eyes we weren't together any more (typical WAW script)..

Anyway, if I can give you a glimmer of hope, it has been 3 months of S for me now (close enough anyway) and W was 2000km away for 2 months of that.. Well after all of the talk about her wanting to date, AFAIK she hasn't even SPOKEN that way to any OM..

Now I'm not going to say it hasn't crossed her mind as I can't read it, but if it has then she hadn't acted on it.. Small win??.. Maybe, but I just wanted to give you that perspective..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
LoveMyW #2499871 10/23/14 12:13 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,091
Likes: 12
C
Card29 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,091
Likes: 12
I appreciate the perspective. I will try not to think about it either way.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2499875 10/23/14 12:31 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
My H also said he was thinking about dating. I sent him a respectful but very strongly worded email saying that I objected to that a lot, but that he was free to do as he saw fit. A few days later he told me that he felt revulsion at the idea of being in any relationship at all. Still don't know if he's doing anything, but given what I know of his schedule, I doubt it.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2499879 10/23/14 12:58 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,091
Likes: 12
C
Card29 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,091
Likes: 12
When I objected to it in the phone call, WAW still said she was going to. Who knows, maybe she will tell me something similar in the future. Trying to let go of the rope. I am so damn lonely, though. Just miss her and miss having my D2 all of the time.

Last edited by Card29; 10/23/14 01:01 PM.

Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2499883 10/23/14 01:11 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
Unfortunately its not something you can do anything about once you have clearly expressed your feelings (once).

What you do have to think about is whether it makes any difference to you and your stance if she does?


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard