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I really agree with everything that has been said here. If we all think that we were the PERFECT spouses, we'd be lying to ourselves.

I also think a mistake that probably every single one of us made was we became comfortable in our relationships. Time has a way of doing that....it just happens.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Quote:
Some can be talked to rationally, some takes some convincing of what the truth is and some change history altogether. The majority of people are the first two.


Tad's thread is now wholly thread-jacked! I think I see what you mean. All marriages have seeds of dissatisfaction within them. However, MLCers are often unhappy for reasons that have little to do with the marriage, but tend to blame the marriage and its imperfections, their marriage partner, and often the children, for their unhappiness.

As the late and great Frank Pittman said, an affair is NEVER the answer to marriage problems, but many MLCers see it as the escape hatch and the life belt.

I am not suggesting that anyone needs to live a life that they no longer want to live, but rather that possibly MLCers are in the grip of forces that overwhelm them.

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"MLCers are often unhappy for reasons that have little to do with the marriage,"

That's not necessarily true. Sometimes their unhappiness does stem from the M. You can't make a blanket statement like that in all MLC cases.

Many people are quick to label their problem as their spouses' MLC. There are many here on the board who I've seen call their spouse in MLC, but it's obvious there is another M issue going on.

Again, EVERYONE goes through midlife "transitions". Not everyone hits the point of a "crisis".


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Quote:
EVERYONE goes through midlife "transitions". Not everyone hits the point of a "crisis".

Well said ^^^


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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Quote:
"MLCers are often unhappy for reasons that have little to do with the marriage,"

That's not necessarily true. Sometimes their unhappiness does stem from the M. You can't make a blanket statement like that in all MLC cases.


I don't think I did make a blanket statement - if it appears blanket, I didn't intend it to be so. Yes, sometimes a MLCer is unhappy with the marriage, in which case once they have left the marriage things will be much better. From what I have seen, this doesn't always happen.

I do not believe that 'many' people are quick to label their problems as their spouses' MLC: in some cases I suspect that there is an element of this, but we actually do not know, do we?

The purpose of this particular board to help those whose marriages, one way or another, are, or appear to be, particularly affected by an apparent sudden change in overall behaviour of their spouse: the change usually extends far beyond the relationship between the couple Of course there are other possibilities, but MLC can be a reason.

If everyone was making their midlife transition without crisis then we wouldn't need this board - there are lots of other forums.

Dealing with someone who appears to be in crisis is very difficult - and any sensible person will try and get this independently checked, then rational discussion is not always an option.

This is my perspective - I could be wrong!!

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I guess my word choice (demise) was really something! Whew!

I just have to say that I think the focus being on that one statement took away from what I was really feeling. I think a lot of people are saying the same thing, just differently. Hey! It's like a marriage!! Haha!

So, anyway, I hope that my feelings/thoughts weren't negated by my choice of words. I have to admit, at first I was feeling a little defensive. Ol' Mighty would have probably felt the need to REALLY address what I was feeling. But, I tried to explain myself. I don't know that I was really heard. So, I removed myself for a bit.

I do think that it has been an interesting discussion. I am not going to defend myself. I appreciate and value everyone's opinion here. I always take careful consideration as to what others post, whether it is to me or not.

With that said, I do stand by what I said. I am not going to reiterate it, as I don't think it is necessary. I hope others don't judge me. I am still learning. I have a long way to go. I look forward to hearing more from all of you on an array of topics.

I am accountable for actions in my marriage that could have been better. I am aware that I could have done things which would have made me a better wife. I don't believe for a second that I deserved the treatment I have received from xh for the past year. I also don't feel that I deserved to have my m end the way it did, regardless of my actions. I firmly feel that, even though I wasn't perfect, I did not deserve for my husband to do to me what he did. Not even close. My feelings about that, I guarantee, will never change.

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Mighty, me too.


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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If I may...

part of the point that Mr B seems to be making, or at least that I see in it, is that a MLCr will exaggerate the imperfections of the spouse. We all have imperfections of looked at through the eyes of another.

I agree there are at least three types out there. My ex falls easily into the last category. Does that mean I was the perfect spouse (not person)? Nope. Not by a long shot.

Oddly, my ex thought I was. To the point of irrationality. I remember stopping as I headed into work one morning when that hit me. She saw me as perfect and spent two years coming up with stories and exaggerations (my thought on that last) to help her cope. I say that dispassionately now. I haven't always, but when you see a duck..

If I was perfect, there would be no exaggerations. Therefore, I own part of the demise.

But not all are equal in this land. We're like the six blind men describing an elephant when it comes to MLC and our ex's. I say they are round smile

That's how I see what you're saying Mr B. I am not blameless. Like GG, I have in the past wanted to have as few regrets as possible. I have very few. I no longer see that as important as I once did. Instead, I see things as wanting to treat others as they want to be treated (within my own values and reason).

Did what my ex do make sense? No. Not even to her by her own admission. Does it matter? No, not really. It's just an event in my history that like a bad cold, continued until I stopped it. That's just life really.

Tad, what happened...happened. MLC or not, it happened anyway. Deserving or not, it happened. History is full of these kinds of stories. Stories we thought wouldn't happen to us. They do. They did.

The question for all of us? What are you going to do now? Are you going to be too scared to love again? To trust again? Are you going to become hard hearted and so cautious that you will never have that happen again? Or will you realize that people are people and you may get hurt again if you take the risk.

You'll certainly remain hurt if you take the other approach and become hard-hearted and too protective.

Boil it all down and you only fear losing what you have. Do you have anything (yourself included) that you can't get back? Can you give yourself away and grow from it? Will fear of losing and having to deal with uncomfortable situations keep you locked into a hate spiral?

Not the hero of my story. I flat out refuse to become a prisoner of the past. The action for me right now is to not respond to my ex. That's just where she is in things and that's where I am in things. I won't keep going back for the abuse; that would be silly. And I know of no other way around it but to be completely detached in all aspects - to prevent her from using the kids any longer to try and hurt me.

But at some point, that will fade away as an avenue to hurt me. For her. She'll catch up. That's going to be the time I'll have to decide if I'm going to talk to her or not.

In your case Tad, if she is not actively trying to hurt you (or her husband) then you have an easier path, when you're ready, to be able to honor the past you lived with her. To be honest with yourself and her about the time you spent. And about the feelings you had for her. And her you. And you can heal from that. And grow. It's called reconciliation and if you're lucky to have that (not a restored relationship) you may want to consider it. All of us should. When you are ready. That's the other half of the thin sliver Mr B talks about - YOU.

How will you live your life? In anger? With hate? Or with love and honor and respect and freedom from the past inflictions?

Regardless of the ex's behaviors (past and present) that choice is solely up to you. I know - I walk that talk. smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Wow. Thanks for the responses everyone.

time for a new thread. It is here:

Friend or Friendly?

Peace.


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 602
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Hi Good folks, Just to share with you what happened last Friday evening. My youngest D Dawn went to her Mums straight from work for an evening meal.

Well the OM Nic wasn’t there (he was in hospital having a brain transplant, sorry I meant an operation on one of his legs) Dawn said that sometimes she seems to worry about things. Her mum listened to what she was saying, before she said the following with tears in her eyes. “I wouldn't have left you and your sisters if you were at home, that’s why I left a note”. (She left in the daytime, the note read as follows: I’m so sorry, bye Liz).

I do know that in no way would have Liz been able to tell our girls face to face that she was leaving them.

Love

Delboy

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