Thanks for coming over, Mr Bond. Where we stand is probably best summed up by a statement made by my H the last time I had contact with him:
IF we were to get involved again the R would have to be very different. Right now he doesn't see how that can happen.
A direct link to our last interaction is here (3rd post down).
Since BD 4.5 months ago we've seen each other 2-3 times and exchanged emails/texts over practical matters a few times in between. He denied that there was an OW at the time of BD and I've not asked or snooped since. I don't generally initiate contact and he does so infrequently. We've split our finances and are living separate lives. I'm letting him be. But that sentence above makes it sound like he hasn't closed the door...
I've been thinking about what would need to be different and what he might need to see in order to believe our M could work again. He's a man of few words and explained little of what what going on at BD. He wants more fun, more passion, more connection, and I agree there were issues there. Since there's next to no contact I can't work on these things within the context of the M. But…I am working through what I perceive to be my barriers to them with my IC (e.g. my relationship with work, issues around sex) and developing myself more outside of work. He also said I don't listen and I've come to think I need to change my approach to communication in general. I want to improve this area (I've read how to improve your M without talking about it, nonviolent communication) but rarely get the opportunity to practice with H so am striving to do this in everyday exchanges. It's hard though (as you all know).
I'm feeling good about me right now. Things have stabilized and I feel like I am operating from a different place. I'm not going down cheeseless tunnels but I'm not moving things either.
Last edited by ganb8te; 10/23/1406:21 AM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I have a FB but we're not FB friends. I noticed he signed up for FB soon after he moved out (that's the extent of my snooping; I can see he updated his photo).
I'm FB friends with his sister and so I have been posting the occasional message reflecting my PMA/GAL activity in the hope that it somehow gets through. It's a long shot though as he doesn't speak with his sister very often (or at least he didn't pre-BD). My SIL is getting married in December but is seems I'll be missing it, sadly.
I've also thought about friending his brother on FB. He and his wife experienced a difficult child birth recently and so there are grounds for reaching out.
Per DB/Sandi's rules I've refrained from involving the ILs and they've not contacted me since BD (we weren't super close anyway). The only exception is his mum who contacted me after my parents let the cat out of the bag (long story). H is estranged from hist mum and she believes that SIL/BIL are withholding information about what is going on, per H's request.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Hey ganb8te, SO looking forward to Mr Bond's advice for you!
Jumping in here on the FB topic. Even though you are not friends on Fb maybe you can use it to communicate some things to your H. He might be stalking your profile too ... if so maybe consider making some of your posts public if you are comfortable with that. Or just change your profile pic to something fun and sexy and gorgeous, and update your background pic every once in a while to something very exciting and cool and GAL related? Just an idea... if he looks, it might make him curious.
I know FB is working to my advantage with my WAH. We are "friends" however, and also have 100 "friends" in common. That helps. I work the FB angle as much as I can without being too obvious.
Thanks, Lisa. Honestly I'm not sure that H will be checking FB. He's always been kinda anti-FB. He changed his profile picture soon after he moved out then hasn't updated it since….and its not the most flattering photo of him. But who knows, maybe he's become a FB fiend as part of his new persona?
I'm a bit inspired reading that you've been testing the waters again with texting your H. There's a great seaside event on over near where my H lives and I intend to go later today. I'm toying with dropping him a text "Hey H, I'm going to X later in the day. You around? Want to grab a drink? I have some news to share." (I learned that I got my promotion earlier in the week). Not sure though. He'll most likely say no...I can deal with that (no expectations)…but will it cause harm?
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Ganb8te, I read some stat once that said that people often either (a) join FB or (b) post more on FB in the aftermath of a breakup. My ex was always very anti-FB too, but when I read that stat I had a feeling. Sure enough, about two months ago he joined (at least I think it's him).
I'm fairly sure, btw, you and I live pretty close to each other.
Hi ganb8te, that's such a difficult question! My advice might not be worth anything but ...
Having recently re-read DR, I noticed Michele talks about the LRT and going dark as a technique, but she also talks about doing what works and not doing what doesn't work. The only way to find out what works is to try things and see what happens. If it sets you back that's fine, just go get back on the horse that was working.
If you can have no expectations, I say go for it and send a friendly but not pushy text like you described. If he says no, at least it opens the door of communication and maybe he will suggest another time if he can't make it today. Or maybe he will be completely annoyed that you texted him and wish he never had to talk to you again in his life. But testing the waters might be ok. That's my opinion.
The way you describe your relationship and his personality sounds like he may need a friendly push or two to get out of limbo-land. And I think being friendly is ok, as long as you don't then get all crazy and initiate R talks etc. But I know you wouldn't do that!
