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Tar,

Sending you a truck full of STFU juice and it's on me free of charge. grin

Dude...really...you've got to stop wanting to "explain" this and that to W. Zip it. Focus on you.

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Just for clarity, what is the common understanding of "dropping the rope" around here? I thought it meant to give up on the M completely and file. Tar, in the context you used it, it seems like you're equating dropping the rope to DBing.

I feel like when I'm DBing, I'm holding onto the rope in the best way I can...giving our M the best chance to someday be R'd that I can, while the other 50% of the vote still rests in WAW's hands. And it is also maximizes the chance of WAW deciding to work on M, as most anti-DB instincts drive them further away. It still will be there decision either way, but don't make the BigD decision easier for them.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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I consider dropping the rope two parts.

1) accepting your single life. Emotionally detaching from STBX and not letting their actions and words control your behavior, self worth, or appreciation for life. Focusing your energy on what you can control- YOU- vs trying to control their behavior, thoughts, or words.

2) usin your detached and accepting attitude to TRANSCEND any negative feelings and act in ways consistent with your CORE BELIEFS. So instead of reacting out of neediness, fear, hurt/anger, dismissal, impatience...you can act out of compassion, respect, good will, and understanding.

The better you drop the role the easier it is to DB as you aren't in your own way. Then you can effectively be and act like a better person to do the best job fighting for your M possible, all while protecting yourself from the roller coaster and enjoying the life you have been given.

Note- it may be a good idea to map out your core values, and think about how a person that felt that way would reply. It's amazing how much resentment can come through if we're not in a healthy state of mind. Work on your mind first and it will work out.

Did I nail it? Do I make the sticky board? wink

Still trying to do all that, but it's getting easier...


Me:38 XW:38
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Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Card,

You ask a question that is frequent among newbies or fairly 'older' newbies.

Originally Posted By: Card29
Just for clarity, what is the common understanding of "dropping the rope" around here? I thought it meant to give up on the M completely and file.


Using the voice of Sophia from The Golden Girls...

"Picture this...Sicily 1920's....you and W are all happy and sappy in the M. That is until one day, W ditches you and wants out of the M. You panic like Groucho Marx and want to hang onto to W. The rope is looped around W's waist and you're keeping her on a short leash through your fear, anxiety, and insecurity by constantly temp checking W with questions, comments, and whatnot or looking at her direction to see what SHE does or doesn't do.

Dropping the rope means you're not hitched to W's wagon to put it in a simplistic way. It means you are not emotionally attached to what W does or does NOT do. Dropping the rope means you don't care if W serves up Sicilian dish or Tuscany dish. You don't caaaaare if she serves it up in a marina sauce or not. Ravoli...okay! Penne..okay! Tortellini..okay! Whatever.

Capisce?"

Holding onto the rope isn't giving your M the best chance to be reconciled. It is the exact opposite. Drop it and things will shift. Trust me...I've seen it happen in nearly all of saved M.

It just means that you're not constantly looking at W's direction, trying to read tea leaves, or looking for smoke signals.




Last edited by Wonka; 10/23/14 12:30 AM.
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How on earth do you do that with kids???

(Sorry for the hijack, Tar, but you probably need to know this too)

I mean, OK, he's left ME and I'm still standing, and I'm fine. But in ways that matter very dearly to the kids, he's left them too, and I can't help but keep an eye on what he does and feel a necessity (which is different from an emotional need) to keep an eye on the rope because the kids come to ME with their hurt and sadness over his disappearing act rather than to him. I direct them back to him but I still have to comfort them.

Is there a difference?

Last edited by Maybell; 10/23/14 01:00 AM.

Me42, H40
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Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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Maybell- pretend it was something else he was doin that you agreed with. Say he had to visit a friend of his in the hospital with terminal cancer and the kids were upset he wasn't around to play. You wouldn't feel the same and wouldn't probably be supportive when the kids asked.

What's best for the children? I don't have an easy answer. Not sure if you say he's doig his best to take care of himself, and that he loves them, but validating that it is tough...then explaining to your H in a non guilting way that the children have needs and you wanted to let him know so this necessary seperation doesnt impact them more than needed, that your confident he can be on his own and a great dad as long as he is aware of the situation...that you will always be on a team to raise the children and recognize that you need to step up too to ensure they are ok and remain close with both parents, and if he has concerns about your parenting he can voice them.

Not sure if this is appropriate. I'm a newbie and haven't been faced with this. But I do think if you're actin out of compassion and with the best interests of all parties in mind it will be better than being coloured with resentment.

Ask a DB Coach!!! Or 25- are you around?


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
But in ways that matter very dearly to the kids, he's left them too, and I can't help but keep an eye on what he does and feel a necessity (which is different from an emotional need) to keep an eye on the rope because the kids come to ME with their hurt and sadness over his disappearing act rather than to him. I direct them back to him but I still have to comfort them.

Maybell, not 2 minutes after I read this did W drop the kids off at the house. D10 comes in complaining about 'Mommy said...she forgot again...as usual...' (That's becoming a common theme) She also then had 30 mins of homework to do at 9:30pm that W doesn't bother to ask about while she has the kids. All I can do is listen to them, try to emphasize and help out as best as I can. The kids will know that they will always have 1 reliable parent.

Oh, and I went over to a friend's house for dinner while W took the kids. GALing while avoiding contact with W!



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Tarheel -- were you always the "more reliable" parent, or did things shift after BD and/or separation?


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
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Thanks, Wonka. Sorry if this was a hi-jack, Tarheel.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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I'd say we were both very reliable, but W was usually the one to volunteer at the kids' school, schedule doc appts, make sure they had what they needed....but since BD, she's dropped the ball. For ex, we have a shared calendar online for bills, kids and school. I don't know that she even checks it anymore. I've been making sure kids get picked up, dropped off, make doc appts..she wasn't even aware S15 had a doc appt the other day. When the kids go to her place, all they do is watch tv (they tell me). Then they come home with all kinds of homework. It's like she's in her own selfish la la land. Even her best friends have told me that I'm basically a single parent.



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