Hey my friend, I have been thinking about you. So glad you stopped in.
You know, Nero, everyone is different. How we handle things, how we walk things. There really is no one size fits all. And that's ok, ya know?
Not making a decision is making one. For right now, yours is to just keep going. One day, you may make a different one. I think you will know when you absolutely need to.
I am so glad you are doing better in a lot of ways.
I dont at all think there is anything wrong with loving deeply or hoping or believing. That's all we really and truly have, I think.
I am sorry about your family. It is a hard, hard thing to get your mind around. Just do the best you can. That's all anyone can expect.
Good for you for joining a gym. I am thinking of joining one, too. I also need to look for more things to do socially. I have been lacking in that area for awhile. You know I am around anytime you want to hang.
I am going with that you have fortitude and strength. The easier thing to do is to walk.
I am thinking he is a combination of who you thought and who he is.
Only you know how much and how long you are willing to accept what is. For right now, you are able to.
I think you are inching along, Nero, to where you want to get to. I think you are starting to see that you want some more in your life. That's always a good thing.
One day the answers will come. When you are ready to hear them. Until then, just keep going.
I love your notes. you're are who i was/am thinking of when i say and think that coming here to forum - i can get that little arm over the shoulder and someone to say - it'll be okay - you're okay. you can do this, and are in fact "doing this". MLC can make ya feel a bit crazy now and then; i know i've said this a million times.
it's just sooooo much effort - for soooooo little return (on a daily basis) who the heck knows whether or not it will even be worth allllll of "this" in the end? nobody- sheesh!!! I lose patience- then tell myself- (what else?) one more day , you can always walk out tomorrow..\
I'm fighting like heck the notion that love doesn't matter - and isn't EVER true and forever, etc. sounds like cinderella - but i always believed love could conquer all. i find most of all - i hate losing that belief and outlook. it's soo hard to find and such worth treasuring. for me anyway - this guy's mlc is asking me to lose a very important part of my en tire mentality here. i don't want to stop believing.
I do also believe in "fighting the good fight" in life. that some things are too important to just run from. my mom - him - it's all tangled up together. doing the right thing for the right reason. it's allll in the "intention" isn't it?
you are really a good person to bother with the junk of others as you do. . And i think you are right - that he is a combination of what he was and is now. problem is this - i cannot abide the notion that he was always (always)(possibly-probably) a cheating lying guy. he says not- i find it impossible to believe. (now that i know he's a liar) what could or would i ever believe again???
it's sad - but his need to absolve himself and fess up to a "flirtation" with this ow 20+ years ago- has ruined my entire notion of our entire past. any time i wondered wtf about something for our entire life - i now attribute to her/him-"it". oh well huh?
can a girl get beyond that (enough?) we'll see.
My response to my blind trust is to think that he always was a rat and i was a deluded jerk. as in "make yourself a lamb and the wolf is ready". (current outlook )
the gym thing is interesting- and of course, there are people there so it's "out of the house". here's what i know for my area in nj- best deal is NYSC -(maybe there's one by you?) the cost is a bit less than the others around, AND - every single time i go, i can bring another person. every time!!! so that's like two for the price of one membership-. which is a truly great deal. that and for a minimal extra fee up front - you can join with ability to quit any time (for another small fee goin out) rather than HAVE TO sign up for a year and have payment taken automatically for a whole year - no matter what. h was motivating force & pays. maybe by my self i wouldn't think i should spend the $$. i am soooo constantly aware that my fortunes may change any moment- and i will be plunged in to poverty. big time. just being honest here. (of course, on the other hand, it's become abundantly clear in last five years that i could also be dead tomorrow- so why the heck am i soooo cautious of everything?
ta da- i am sore - but it feels good, maybe i can tone up a bit and lose a couple lbs. i put on some this past year- i find that (in a small way) i do tend to"reward" myself for being miserable - and grab a cookie or sweet when i'm glum. how gross huh? and i even recognize it while i'm doing it- then i shove it in and say wtf.... still walking tho. both just get my mind occupied with something other than myself - (it's the continual counting, reps, crunch stomach while i walk, etc.) like meditating i think - onward &upward huhj?
Anyway- thanks also for vote of confidence. I go around thinking i have fortitude - and i do think this is hard.
Idk if leaving is "easier". like goat girl- i fear quitting when there may be hope, or "giving up" before it is absolutely "the end of hope" - and whatever the heck else she fears. it's being alone alot too- unflattering - but there you have it. I look at my sisters - three divorced & alone & poor & unhappy and screwed up by it. my mom all alone since 1969 - 45 years allllll by herself raising us all. it's not nice or fun. everything is doable and sometimes funny with a buddy- and pretty scary alone.
I still "need" thinking i have someone there - even if it's an inadequate r. notice i said (thinking) i have someone there. i am not so sure what i have these days. i guess i still think it's better than no thing at all.
oiy!!!!! okay- rite now i am going to list a couple things on ebay and then go in the stinkin attic and find a giant mountain of something - and take it to goodwill before i stop to think. somehow "the stuff" has come to represent a big stumbling block for me- (wierdly) i think if i could somehow de-junk i'll be happier in mind and body. lots to put on a bunch of good old stuff. we'll see. i guess i'd like to think it's that easy. clean table top - clean mind.
i meant to not rant / haven't allowed self to talk about it or think much for that matter. i'm happier daily if i don't even acknowledge "it" - my f'd up l ife. who says we can't hide our heads in the sand? until you're sure your butt is actually on fire up there- it seems to help.
ta da- still on the road here...
okay- i'm outta here - and as usual - thanks so much.
xxo it makes a huge difference to know you're out there.
just ch ecking in and sayin hello. Still alive and kicking here. Working, doing stuff for/with my mom's estate, keeping busy, workin out & walkin still, gardening, painting, pretty much normal old life. h still comes and goes. have taken three or four nice little trips over summer & last week. why he's "trying" to do nice things , idk - guilt probbly.
I'd think he thinks he's throwing me a bone. i AM (I THINK- i hope) pleasant and neutral. I do know that he tries to "buy me" or "buy his way out of guilt" with nice trips or work or things - .... idk what to think about it- so pretty much I don't. just living rite in this minute . too much other junk before and after to be able to go back or forward. t hat's okay too i guess at this minute. .
his interactions are more pleasant and even, sometimes, unconscioyusly more affectionate - fiddling with my hair while we're wtching tv, a touch here or there. I don't particularly think it "means" anything. ow is still there - i do not have any particular expectations or agenda. I don't (if i'm honest) think there is any hope we will ever go back to being what we were when we were happy. I do not honestly know what will become of this R at all; Or if we have one at all - or what it is. I am just rolling with the punches (as usual) I know i must be the most frustrating person alive to alot of you action-oriented people - - - oh well. so me - prudent to the last...
but i'm not SAD, so even if i'm not particulary big old HAPPY, I'M NOT un-happy (in a big way) so - 'll take it.
Anyway- so that is me for the moment. I get mad, i divert my attention. I stfu - i think i'm peaceful - but do stand up for self now or then. all pretty much okay at present.
my contact with sisters has been small- so that's really nice. h was here past t hree weeks (unusual- for awhile it's been here only 1 week & gone 3) . i'm not attaching any importance to it- as usual, i'd say guilt over something he's planning down there. aside from just now- i am better adn better at not even thinnking about what he's doing - i feel bad to think he's slipping out of my life (entirely? (maybe). it may make it less painful- but it's too bad in a global kind of way.
I stay off thinking about that- bums me out. i'm getting good at my own mind-control. ACCEPTANCE??? I do think i'm more and more accepting - that whatever we had is gone forever. and nothing may replace it
oh well- i got nothin really- just wanted to say hi and doing okay and keeping busy and so on.
hope everyone out there is plugging along okay as well
xxoo
I'm getting quite good at "living in the present". I
hey Nero, so glad you posted. I have been thinking of you. Happy you are doing well.
We all walk this in our own way, my friend. There is no right or wrong way to do it. You are doing it in the way that is best for you. When it isnt anymore, you will do something different.
I am glad that you are finding some joy again in doing the things you enjoy and that your contact with your sisters are minimal for now.
May I ask how you know the ow is still around?
I do hope one day we can get together again. I would really love that.
If not for the mention of OW in your post above, I'd say that H is missing you a teensy bit. Or at least testing the waters.
Even with OW still in the picture, it sounds like he might be anyway.
Glad to hear you're doing as well as you are.
I like that "Not particularly big old HAPPY, but not UN-happy." That's the best we can hope for at the moment. And that's life. Mostly just okay... with some big old moments of happy and unhappy thrown in there to keep things balanced.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Nero, I love you to bits, but you are the Queen of Mind Reading when it comes to your H. Did it ever occur to you that maybe he is NOT trying to "buy his way out of guilt"? Touching you, and taking you on trips, and playing with your hair sounds more like personal affection towards YOU Nero, not like guilt. Wouldn't you think that if he was just feeling guilty, he would just pay your bills but not touch you? And are you SURE that he is still seeing OW?
Believe me, my ex did not touch me for YEARS before our divorce, the only trips we went on were unavoidable family stuff, not fun stuff with just the two of us, and he talked incessantly about the Russian. Just sayin......
How is your niece, and how is the probate coming along? Has your sister taken out a mortgage so she can buy the rest of you guys out of your mom's house? Hang in there, and remember, UR and I are both just a phone call away, and would both love to see you again
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
I some how lost my hotmail account- cannot find myself and can't figure out why my password doesn't work. idk- i guess i need to go somewhere someday and make a new account for private chats.
Yeah- i guess you're rite about me and the "mind reading". what the heck does one do for " input" when he can't seem to open his mouth and just talk. (in any way about anything meaningful)
i've thought maybe it's authentic- the affection. But then, That's the kind of assumptiopn i'd make in the passt; optimistic - but ya know, it would mean i had "expectations" or thinking i "knew" him.I don't anyu more. It's the constant lack of any meaningful communication in life with him- it' wears me out, so i'm done wondering. honest - if he has xsomething to say that will change something or mean something to me- he can just spit it out. i can't make any positive assumptions anymore.
I am not rotten or rude- but i cannot bring myself to initiate anything. he's the guy that said he wants less of me in his life- im the guy who is what i was.
he does see her- i do know it. he is "having it all" . his words (said a long while ago- but no retractions around)it's icky and wierd- hanging around me- seeing her (& whoever else?) idk linda- it's icky if you ask me.
so- for want of someone or something better to do- i'm just here. the estate is ongoing- need to get this house cleared out & listed for sale and the shore house relisted with a new agent. i can't see either thing "over" real soon. i can't deal with a huge change if i don 't have to. (he's always got the option to force me to- idk why he doesn't) i'm grateful i don't have to go it alone just yet. i know i've said that for the past few years- it's just still true. unless it's shoved down my throat- i'll just stick here til i've got a new plan or something new going on.
you may be right about him and his "guilt", or lack there of . who the heck knows? i doubt i'm "doin him wrong". it's just my opinion - i'm not expending much brain power about this if possible. i haven't spoken about it in ages - it just puts me in a bad mood and brins up bad old feelings. why do it tomyself- relive over and over such a terrible time.
idk what the heck i'm doing- as usual- but im workin and keepin busy and creative more than last few yuears - so glad of it.
good to hear your voice. i think i've got a pinched nerve in neck perhaps- need to get the heating pad out and put it on my ear/neck ,
helping with a girlscount halloween party tomorrow - shoudl be funny or fun - maybe a glass of wine (just saw someone on tv pouring it) i'm in a funny kind of mood- but not pissed off or so on, so i'll take it.
some kidn of improvement - no???? your h sounds like he's really "out there" poor man. you sound good. Are ya?
I didn't see your post last nite- I had worked and it was middle school - da da dummmmmmm....... those kids, they are a real challenge. i do realize, i'd guess, that because i'm a substitute they feel compelled to flex their - uh hem - m uscles and be obnoxious. most are nice kids - some feel so bad about the jerks they apologize going out for the extremists bad behavior. I feel bad that they think it may hurt my feelings. (it rolls rite off me) but it's nice to know most are decent little human beings in tehre. I wonder how the wild ones got to be soooo obnoxious & needy- makes me feel sorry for them. I have no desire to save anyone- it's so peculiar- these awful little guys will greet me in hallway like i'm a long lost friend- wtf??? i'm thinking they're a wild animal- and they're thinking we're buddies???!!! oh well- it's interesting for sure. & ya gotta wonder what their lives and upbringing is like at home???
poor schnooks.....nary a clue bout empathy, manners, courtesy, decorum - how will they go thru life successfully?????? ya gotta wonder
anyway- ow. Under the heading of following mwd "rule" that if you've said it once, assume they know and don't "hammer away". I have expressed in past my feelings about the whole sitch. I've said that i hate it when he's with her. I do hate it -...& hate knowing it- he does not respond - he does not say he's NOT with her. he is, and he knows perfectly well how i feel, how it impacts me and what i think of him as a result and any "life" we might have "together" (if there is an official "together" of any sort now or ever) he has nothing meaningful to say about it. I think that "says" alot.
he does not call when he's with her- he knows if he's calling me on his cellphone - i know. it's a fact - uncontrovertable.
he gets excited when he's going to see her- i can sense his (what? happiness? ) in his voice - it used to hurt me- i'm rather numbed-out - however, it's sad and i wish i didn't know it- but i can tell. He calls me multiple times in the day or two before they are to meet up - i swear to you, i do not think he's even aware of his own "attitudes" and what he conveys (if he did, surely he'd disguise it better?? you'd think, wouldn't you?). he's like a selfish little baby- totally self-immersed and sooo either unaware or uncaring of the world & people around him . I only say unaware to be charitable - But it's so. He is pleasant and chatty - unusually so. I want to not pick up - or want to just say "f you" and hang up. I don't - i FORCE myself to think of mwd saying keep neutral, pleasant, etc. BE WHO YOU ARE/WERE. I think i ram it down my own throat believing it's the only way to finally get to a point of overkill and certainty about blowing him out the old airlock (if it's gonna happen). know what i mean? some wierd duty to endure - even when you think you don't want to keep on being it- doing it. (neurosis? db? idk)
It is not my imagination EITHER - believe me. Inside i reckon if he's that "exuberant" at the thought of seeing her (it's been years since i've felt it directed to me) - that's sad too!) and i can hear his "happiness" in his voice (once- at the very very very beginning - i heard his voice while he chatting on phone with his cousin- i didn't know then he was planning to go boink her- but i did hear his voice and my gut KNEW THAT this was something extraordinary going on- with him and his level of interest) boy, was my gut correct.... I di dn't go bizerk then, just like i can't seem to go bizerk now- idk about that either...
so- believe me when i tell you, i'm sorry that i do know him sooooo well.
ON THE OTheR HAND - i hear what you're saying. I think, unfortunately, that the ball is in his court. if we're supposed to "wait them out" - it's what i'm trying to do. IF HE EVEN WONDERS what the heck i'm still doing around- he doesn't ask. he knows i hate it- he knows it hurts me - he knows i don't think i'll do this forever - blah blah blah. i'm assuming he's not as stupid as he acts - who can know tho ??? selfish & stupid, can be pretty darn stupid. can't rule anything out -
i'm not going to run down the giant list of "how i am sure" anynmore - it's making me disgusted and since it's all in there somewhere- this woman does not go spiraling down that road anymore. NO PAST - NO FUTURE- ONLY TODAY.
it's working okay tho- i stay in this day and today there's the girlscout halloween party- it's sunny and chilly and a lovely fall day- last nite was a lovely evening (weather) - my neice & her friends were saying it made their day begin well yesterday , seeing me in a.m. & saying have a great day- aren't the trees lovely? (we bumped into each other by schools yesterday morning as i was heading for the middleschool and they were heading to highschool & the trees were hit by sunlite only on the top third - lighting them up beautifully and were screaming gold & red & orange- which i was looking at and pointed out to them. it was a nice sentiment- i'll take it.-
I do tend to see myself as reflected by people around me. It would seem to be a part of who i am- we all respond happily to favorable input- etc. we all get smashed down by bad. idk- i'm only a person here - I do know my good points - (tho one can never be really sure what the view is like from other perspectives.) I only have to answer to my own conscience rite? I do what i think is "right" & i go to great lengths to not hurt anyone.
TA DA- am i learning my lesson or what? keeping self from "going there" - being hurt - feeling crummie.
sticking with any "feel good things" compliments, good feelings - positive interactions -
I think in my life, my mom and those years, my sister and her alcoholixm and those years, H and this mlc and these years, even school and the insanely ratty kids challenge-
i think my gut says "ya can't run away- you gotta see it thru" kind of thing to me alot with all this stuff . i can't figure why i see these things as a "challenge" that has to be met, seen thru, "conquered" and gotten past rather than just giving up, and running away because it hurts too much. (in general)
my sisters, h, its like this - when the estate is allll settled and i do not have to interact with them for any reason - they can make the first move if they want to be my friend/sister any more. H, i've told him i am not his "buddy" or mother - i'm his mate or i'm nothin. i'm not likely to blow up and end it all- not me at all - BUT , i know when I've been "wronged" and jacked around and it doesn't disappear because i don't hammer away about it.. either the offender can make it "right" - or i'll just go on about my life and wander away at some point to whatever my "new" life is going to be. they can come or stay.
or so i think SOOOOO - is this me just saying the same old junk over and over - ta da..... NO EXTRA CHARGE.
THANKS FOR NOTE- i know, we have no real choice but to just keep paddling and float along and exist in the minute if possible.
It's such a stinker that we have soooo little influence and control over the really really important things in life. they just "happen" around us, to us, and at the end of the day- we've got about as much "say" as whether or not that hurricane is going to flatten us or blow on by.
i'm not sure whether it's a good thing or bad. I suppose if we had control over EVERYTHING- the sheer stress of always trying to do "the rite thing" would just kill us outright.
maybe this is better - not to feel like a "victim' of life's troubles , - but to realize it's alllllll just exterior 'stuff", the "way it is" in life, troubles come and go to everyone, us included. it's all in how you handle them?????
man up - ride it out best you can- save self if possible from unnecessary pain - help who you can, when you can- keep paddling, do what's right, listen to your conscience, be kind & have empathy - etc.
so - is that me just washing my hands of "responsibility" or is it all somehow pretty much how it is? (it is how it "seems" to me) (but then, i would say that, wouldn't I?)
confused as usual - but not suffering - so grateful for that.
alive, pretty day, something to do, good health, good friends, not soooo bad...,
you sound pretty good yourself- hope it's going okay for you - dbing. this up and down is a killer - oh well , it all stinks - but might not kill us after all...??? ya think ?????
Hope I didnt get you upset by asking the question, Nero. I wasnt at all insinuating that you were imagining it. I was just curious as to how you knew. I get "just knowing".
As I said, we all walk this in our own way and get to where we need to be in our own time.
I also understand the need to see it through. As long as you are ok, that is what matters.
I have told you for a long time that I know you will do something different when you need to do it. I truly believe that.
So, keep walking, my friend. I see big differences in you even in you may not.
I am always praying for you and rooting you on. I hope you know that.
