The Goddess of Goats Thrives Alone on Her Mountain

[GoatGal]

Hi Ggrass!

Yes, he is talking to me, but it's 99% talking AT me--- about himself.

He has yet to ask if I need anything, how I'm doing, how he can help me.

And, occasionally, he demands something, "I WANT..." and if he doesn't get it, he gets really pissy.

For example, this was an exchange when he was suddenly ready to leave here one day, when he said he'd stay until much later Guess he was mad about something, who knows?
I get a text from H: "I want to come up and see the dogs"
Me: 'When"
Him: "Now"
Me: "Can you give me 30 minutes? I am not feeling well, just got out of the tub"
Him: "No. Go in the bedroom and I won't bother you."
Me:. "Sorry, that won't work for me."
Him: "Fine. Bye!"
Me: "Next time maybe ask me ahead of time so we don't have this problem"
Him: No response.

This last one was a few weeks ago, but I know it's percolating right there under the surface. It will just take the right stimulus for him to go off on some snark-fest.

As for the make-up stuff---RIGHT ON, SISTER!

I am perfecting the art of hair, makeup, and heels.

And you can bet that GUBU notices. Not that he'll say anything. But... oh yeah. He sees it.

He saw my note to myself to use my "Victoria's Secret" coupon because it was on my "To-Do" list on the fridge. Along with "Finally get those cowboy boots!"
The V.S. is---Just so I feel sexy FOR ME.
But he's probably wondering....!

And, I have taken to wearing only sexy lingerie.
(As fas as he knows, anyway.)
And leaving it to dry in the shower for his perusal, after hand-washing it lovingly in the sink.
(Passive-Aggressive much? )

The man does love his fancy thongs...
Maybe it's not playing fair, but hey, I saw "The Breakup" movie too!
I haven't gone for the "Telly Savales" yet, though.

He also gets a nice dose of my perfume when he's here, even if he doesn't realize it.
It's on the shower curtain, his towel, his sheets, the toilet paper. The DOGS!!!

Take THAT, you GUBU, you!!

---(G)GGG

[GoatGal]

Hey All,

SSDD...

Not much to report.

Things are about the same; I'm out GALing like mad, keeping up with my "plan which 'seems' to be 'working'".
Operative words here being *seems* and *working*.

It appears that GUBU is more like H these days and I see continued improvement in small things.

He was here this weekend while I was away at an event and he clearly enjoyed his stay. Talked a bit about how much he enjoyed being here, missed the dogs, etc. Sent some cute texts after he left.
For my part, I checked in with him every night I was gone, we spoke on the phone a few times, I gave him all my info of where I was staying, who to contact in an emergency, etc.
For the first time in many months he showed some concern for my safety. And shared that with me.


So, he made it clear that he missed the wood stove, being with the animals...
Nothing about missing me, but no surprise there.
But it's new for him to talk about missing things in this way, even if I'm not included. He seems to be extending his visits here even if I'm around, although he has yet to actually want to spend time with me for its own sake.

He seems a bit---homesick?
(Well, at least if I'm not a part of the picture.)
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Other little things; I noticed him doing things on a to-do list I had on the fridge, nothing I'd asked him for, but things he knows I need help with. I was surprised about that. He's slowly making his way down that list.

He is also texting more and keeping in touch; calling and laughing on the phone. (!) Texting "goodnight" again, saying more emotional things about the dogs, missing the doggy kisses... I know it's not much but it's still a change in the right direction.


The other thing is that he cleaned up and did the dishes before he left after the weekend.

In the past if I was traveling, he'd clean the house and especially the bathroom, so I could soak in a hot tub. (Fibromyagia).

This time he cleaned the tub... and apologized for not having "time" to "clean more'.
Well, that's not exactly true because he had nowhere to be, but still.

This was the first time in almost a year he did anything remotely like he used to for me. I saw that as a plus and thanked him very much, so he KNOWS that I appreciated it.

"Baby steps"... I keep reminding myself.

I validate like crazy, keep calm, keep happy, keep busy. Show him that I'm freaking wonderful and everything he could ever want. And that I'm not angry or pitiful, desperate or waiting forever.
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I find what works best is to be friendly, giving back that 80% of warmth, making sure I don't shut him down if he reaches out, but still keep some mystery, don't pursue, no temp checks, no R talk...

I give him a little bit of hope to hang onto.
I am kind, I am transparent, I am compassionate. I think he needs that.
But I am also independent and get things done on my own. I am making myself happy and doing things which are meaningful to me. Surrounding myself with positive people and great experiences.

Again, he is not crossing my boundaries. If he were, he'd hear about it.
He either gets no reaction or he gets a firm line in the sand. Lately he has not tried any of the snarky stuff with me.

I think it's been over two weeks now since I got the snarky texts/MIA/Arriving unannounced.
Two weeks or close to it. That's a record.

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I have refrained from snooping so I don't know if he's still active on his dating site or anything else. I wouldn't be surprised either way.

I believe that the way he is, even if he's not actively pursuing a relationship, he is probably mining the sites for the endorphin kick. A substitute or adjunct activity to porn. Nothing would surprise me.

"Look at ALL THESE WOMEN who are interested in me/could be mine/might be my soul-mate!"
Opening your inbox to a bunch of messages from women who might be "The ONE" has got to have it's own chemical rewards.
Which I'm pretty sure is something he is still seeking. I believe he is still depressed, but seems better in terms of humor, ability to think about people other than himself (if in very small ways), laughing and smiling more.
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I have seen the bank statement and he is still drinking. A LOT.
He has stated many times that he is awake most of the night. This is a concern, but not my problem.

I have my own sleep to contend with and he's an adult. He can figure it out.
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He still alternates between giving me detailed descriptions of what he's doing vs. being very vague and standoffish. Again, no surprise.

We do the "two steps forward and one step back" dance pretty consistently.
But his steps back don't seem as far or as negative as they have been.

I find myself being very pragmatic, sort of "experienced" at this point, with accepting the reality, painful as it is, and trying to remind myself when it's really my ego giving me fits.
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I am still doing okay on my own and am still enjoying my life for the most part.

I stay busy, try to keep my thinking straight, work on my own goals, take care of my own side of the street to the best of my ability.

At this point, I believe I have "fixed" all of the "complaints" he ever had about me, even the ones I thought had no merit.
He never really voiced any, except for minor stuff, but I took it to heart and am working those out.

He really has nothing to pin on me whatsoever at this point.
Anything he could point to previously as my fault for "the reason we can never be together" is no longer on the table.
The wind has gone out of his sails at least as far as I'm concerned.
If he needs to be away from me at this point, it's not because of anything I've failed at, not that I ever thought so.

I think they are all changes I can live with, and ones I think benefit me as an individual, so I am staying true to my values.
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I do have one confession to make:

The other night I had a very dark moment...a short one... but a deep one.
I was in "his" basement bathroom which clearly is something he created for himself. One single man's bathroom. One towel hook... If a room could say "Goat Gal--KEEP OUT!!!!" this one would.

I realized it was never meant to be the bathroom that "we" would use while we were remodeling the main bath upstairs.
Nope. It is something he did FOR HIMSELF so he could move into the basement at some point.
(That didn't work out so far, but I know that was his goal.)

That thought just really pushed my buttons.

It was this time of year last year when he was really awful to me, trying to protect OW from the fallout of his adultery while throwing me under the bus. I realized a bunch of things, how he abused her too, how he led her on and used her. And things he said to me...
It was the worst time of my life. So many memories came flooding back.

And I just lost it for a moment.

I cried and cursed his name--then I kicked a big old hole in the wall.

Yup. I did.
Now, I didn't kick very hard, but he did such a crappy job of drywalling the space that my foot just went into a deep recess....

Well, it was ugly.

Fortunately, I did NOT engage in a text war, or write all sorts of nasties in permanent marker... many things I wanted to do, like call him and tell him what a selfish a**hat he was, among other things.

I notice that as things improve, this sort of thing happens more. I think because I open my heart a little and the pain floods in.

When I keep it closed, I am more successful at keeping my emotions under control.
I guess I need to keep working on this!

I thought about leaving the damage rather than trying to hide the incident, to allow him to see that I am really human, really grieving, really having a tough time too, since I have been accused of having "too much fun".

And although I believe he DOES need to hear some of that, I didn't want it to be ammunition against me.

"That Goat Gal really hasn't changed at all. She's still so angry with me, and she'll never get over this."

I am fortunately to have drywall skills on par with his, so I patched that hole and he shouldn't be the wiser.

That is, if I can get the paint to dry without odor before he gets in there for a shower!

I learned my lesson though.

If I am going to kick the wall, I should do it it in one of the countless places where a hole in the sheetrock will not even be noticed! This place is a pit.


And that's the latest from the Triple GGG Ranch, Y'all.

---(G)GGG

[Wonka]

GGG,

Your reports are so interesting to read! You can write, girl!

As you may know, oftentimes the MLCer will connect through their children, pets, family...etc FIRST before finally connecting with the LBS. Also they do visit and stay at the home for a bit longer over time. So it seems to me that your H is slowly working his way backwards toward you. You are not the Devil Incarnate in his mind. Sure, the spews will come from time to time. Which brings me to a wonderful comment by a poster recently:

In my first marriage I would get a barrage of vicious emails. I never replied. If there was an email that was civil I would reply quickly. That sends the message that spewing is not rewarded but civil discourse is.

Hmmmm...might want to think about how you react to GUBU's nasty texts. Then pick out those that are fairly civil. I know from reading your posts, GGG, that you strive to do this most of the time.

This is a good reminder when dealing with the MCLer.

Kicking a whole in the wall...well, I thought it would have happened a lot sooner than this! Hey, you might want to think about calling the Property Brothers to renovate your dinky place. It also can't hurt that you can oogle two HOT men while they're working on it!!

[GoatGal]

Hahaha, Wonka!

Yeah. The Property Brothers would work. Definitely!



Thanks for reminding me about the reconnection. I do see that happening, if I'm reading it right.

There is the college girlfriend, spending more time with co-workers (I think) and although this bugs me a bit (borderline inappropriate, buying friendship, not really getting a life of his own, or perhaps going out to meet other women), it's at least something he's doing that's social.

He does seems to connect more with the animals, and is talking about missing them more. That is one huge thing we have in common, and no matter how deep he is in his tunnel, he knows that I'm pretty much going to be the only who would be willing to share this reality with him.

I don't believe there is a woman in the world who would move into this mess. Not one who wasn't totally nuts, anyway!

He is talking more about other people we've known. That's also rather new.
"So and so asked about you." (I wonder, what does he tell them?)

Both my parents have gone through severe depressions, and one of the first signs I see that they're coming out is they start thinking about people other than themselves.
While in depressed mode, they don't care about ANYBODY.
I mean A-N-Y-B-O-D-Y!

And if they do notice other people, it's to comment on how annoying/uncaring/awful/backstabbing/users they are.

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

GUBU has made his share of disparaging remarks about lovely people we've known, even the woman who continues to house him for free.

Just like my mother. Who loves her friends when she's in her right mind, but has not a nice word to say about any of them when she's depressed.


Thanks for checking in. It's always great to hear from the Chocolate Factory!


--(G)GGG

[Shining]

Did someone say Property Brothers???!??!!!!! Mmmmmmmmmhhhmmmmm.


GGG, I love reading your threads!

I'm glad things are progressing at a snails pace...it's still progress!! You are the master of GAL. I need lessons. Keep going, GGG!!! You're amazing.

(((((Hugs))))).

[GoatGal]

Thanks, Shining.

It's a process, that's for sure.

GALing comes naturally, lucky for me.
My problem has always been too many interests, so now I have the time to devote to them!

[Maybell]

Well, if criticizing other is the hallmark of depression, I'm not sure I've ever known MY mother not to be.

But I'm really really glad to hear the positive changes in GUBU, and I always enjoy your updates.

[GoatGal]

Hey, Maybell,

It's not the criticism, it's more the inability to have an interest in, and see the good in others. (The criticism is a symptom of something else "not so pretty" though, doncha think?)

Depressed people--are completely self-absorbed, full of anxiety and gloom. Low energy/complacent, or high-energy/agitated. Or a combination.

In my mother's case, she went through a phase where she put me down at every opportunity. Treated me like absolute dirt. I'd drive 12 hours to see her and as soon as I'd walk in the door she'd say:
"Go in my office and get started on the taxes." Seriously. No "Hello". "How was your drive?" She didn't CARE at all.
I was just something to serve her.

And it added fuel to the fire when she (deliberately) talked about her massage therapist--how "wonderful" she was, how "understanding". "She is SO different from YOU, Goat Gal."
Clearly pitting us against each other.
Made me cry every day.
But I knew IT WASN'T HER. I knew she WASN'T IN HER RIGHT MIND.
My mother could never treat me like this unless she was ill.

I feel the same about GUBU.

I even tried to point this out to him in the beginning, but you all know how THAT went.


When depressed, Mom also couldn't stand if others were happy or upbeat in her presence. (I think like GUBU's dislike of my happy GALing.)
She would suddenly "have a weak spell" or otherwise sabotage any fun others might be having in her vicinity. Ringing that darn bell saying she needed a glass of juice or something. It was like clockwork if someone started laughing anywhere near her.



This is complete reversal from my mother in her non-depressed mind.
She--who tells me she loves me, appreciates all I do for her, talks about me proudly to her friends. (Who she again sees as wonderful and states how grateful she is to have these people in her life.)

The woman who inspired and supported me throughout my life. She is replaced by this nasty, selfish, manipulative person who wants the whole world to go down the tubes with her. I can't stand that woman.
But my mom...My mom is an incredible lady.

My father suffered several major episodes during his life and completely withdrew into himself. He also tried to self-medicate with alcohol, sugar, and an on-and-off affair. IT turned pretty ugly.

My mother was a dynamo her entire life, very accomplished, very bright, upbeat, but she suffered a massive depression begin about eight years ago in her 80s and it has recurred many times since.

I still don't know the trigger, but call it a MLC at 80. She had a fall, suffered a painful back injury, and somehow got it in her head that she wasnt going to be able to continue to be Super-Woman as she had been.

It was like the mortality/aging wake-up call. For someone who had never had a headache and who treated breast cancer like having a tooth pulled, it was quite a shock. She just didn't want to get old, didn't want to slow down, and here she was, not having a choice about it. And she always felt she could control her life.

Guess this is what happens when your coping mechanisms fail you.

It has not been easy since I am her primary care-giver, doing everything long-distance, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have to let go of some of the guilt now, in my sitch I can't be as available as I was before, I just don't have much to give. But I do the best I can.


Anyhow... enough about me. I'm going to catch up on all my DBing pals and see what you're up to.

--(G)GGG

[beatrice]

GG - it is hard when we see a big change in a parent. My dad died from/with Alzheimers which overwhelmed him.

I am coming to the view, working with a very gifted therapist on a project, that much depression comes from our most basic fears (these will be different for each person) I can also see that mindfulness, the practice of living in the moment, is a powerful tool for the depressed person to self help with.

Why did your mother need to be super woman in the first place? What was she compensating for, or to put it another way, what fear was driving her? Self acceptance is a huge need throughout life, but especially as we get older and cannot do all of the things we used to do. Add in superwoman and yes, you have a recipe for what looks like a crisis.

Our whole life is really a process of becoming - some call it a journey, and it is never too late to learn more about ourselves

[GoatGal]

Beatrice,
I believe my mother, deep down, suffered from feelings of inadequacy. She didn't really open up to people easily, seemed to feel a lot of pressure to perform and do everything perfectly. Which she passed along to us...
Funny, because she was stunning, talented, extremely bright, and very capable. Everyone adored her. She had EVERYTHING. Yet, somehow she had to project this "larger than life" persona. And when she couldn't be "top dog" anymore, well, things just seemed to fall apart for her.

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Update on my Sitch:

More positive forward motion!

I am extending myself to H in small ways as he continues to warm up. He definitely seems to respond positively to this as I suspected before. I am treating him as a friend, with no pursuit, but letting him know that I like him and I'm not avoiding him, maybe I'm even looking forward to seeing him.
Sometimes. A little.

Today I sent him a text "How's it going at work?"
(Something I haven't done in a LONG time. I have not initiated much at all except as needed for the last several months. Also---in DBing fashion, you know "no questions", right? I took that literally--no surprise. Plus I didn't want to seem like I was "pursuing". Silly me not realizing that at some point I had to give him an opening now and then.)



So he immediately writes back: "Ok.............."
That many ellipses
Like "Ok. I am suspicious.....why are you asking?"

(Of course, I am probably not the only one on here who can read this into a ellipsis overuse! )
So, I followed with trivial stuff "Cold up here, going to gather more firewood"
At which point he responded with similar about needing more wood, putting a heat light on for the chickens this weekend...

I have wondered about too much contact, but then I recall how he always used to like talking on the phone and staying in touch. And with the OW, well, we're talking ten or more calls a day and thousands of texts per month. So I "guess" he "likes it" on some level. Why not give him the attention he craves if I stop short of pursuit?
Just letting him know--on occasion--that I'm thinking about him.

Anyhow---Then he continued with other stuff about what my schedule was going to be (we had that conversation twice in person, once by note, once by text, and twice by email... swiss cheese brain or excuse to continue convo? Just kinda funny.)

I said I'd let him know... eventually he said he'd found one of the emails so "Hahahah, no worries..."

He let me know when he would be leaving work today, then texted again when he got close to the house. Stocked everything for me and hung around a LOT longer than usual. He's up to an hour now. That's another record. For a while there he was here maybe 15 minutes.

I actually went out to see him three times, not one of which he was in sight.

So when he left I texted him "Hey, tried a few times to catch you outside, guess you were in stealth mode :--) "

He IMMEDIATELY called me, laughing!

He said "Yeah, I'm known to go "invisible" at times" and what followed was a very upbeat and friendly convo about the weekend, how he could help me with my recording session on Saturday, the weather, the animals, watching out for deer on the road, etc.
AND, he called where he is staying "Cindy's place" (Not her real name), instead of "the house".

We talked for a few minutes, finally he said he WOULD be up tomorrow (Friday) which has lately been the night he goes MIA (with co-workers and hits the bars? Not sure.) He had said "not sure about Friday". I have to stop myself from wondering what he is trying to put together. That seems to happen after 10 PM when it does happen, but whatever. It's out of my hands. All I can do is provide the more appealing option.

So he will be here tomorrow night, not stay over, maybe stay over Sat if I'm going to be "late" (*sigh*).
Oh well. At least he wants to be here.

I definitely notice a lighter tone in his voice, he seems so much more relaxed and upbeat around me. He laughs more, there is a smile in his voice.

This is HUGE.
But--I warn myself not to read anything into it.
For all I know he's met his "soul mate" on his dating site and is over the moon....
Although, if he is, he sure isn't all that available. Seems he's here most of his "free" time.

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And those "Property Brothers", as cute as they might be, ain't got nuthin' on THIS GOAT GAL!

I patched and painted that wall, ran the fans to remove the odor before he arrived.
Even trying to find the odor of paint/place where I patched the hole, I had trouble detecting anything at all.

I literally patted myself on the back over that one!
And I learned my lesson. Fixing that damage was stressing me out.

No more kicking/punching walls!

I think it was the right move rather than letting him see what I'd done, honest as that seemed to be.

Right now is not the time to show him that I can still be volatile under certain conditions.
(Loneliness, bad memories, missing husband, pending divorce, bachelor bathroom, and too many chores. And maybe too much Merlot. )

And so, Divorce Busters. I can say once again, that even if I don't save my marriage, I am still saving myself.

I am still learning about myself and handling my emotions. I am still dealing with H more effectively and working my feminine wiles.
He may not fall madly in love with me, but he sure as heck is gonna like me. A LOT. He already does.


I guess that's a start.


KEEP ON BUSTIN' !!!!


---(G)GGG