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#2499682 10/22/14 09:14 PM
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So after a year of hell all of a sudden H started acting normal again. He was loving. Things were pretty hot and heavy. No explanation about what happened. No indication that this was for real and not just another temporary upswing. And i ended up breaking down and telling him I don't know what is going on. I don't understand what this change in him means. And I don't know if I can trust him.

He admitted that i needed some answers. I started wondering if maybe there was an A after all, and it happened to end and that is why he changed. I was jealous and angry and discovered that back in April he opened up a FB page under a fake name and never bothered too friend me, even though we had some shared friends. I asked him to friend me and he refused. Said he isn't going to do it because I told him to. He has nothing to hide but I can't make him accept my friend request. I told him I feel humiliated by the fact that he has left me out of it. That he has only a handful of FB friends and I am not one of them. And that I have no idea what was going on with him the last year and just because now he is warm and fuzzy again doesn't make it any easier to feel safe about our relationship.

This was all a little over a month ago. We had a good talk where he took responsibility. Said he thought that things could just go back to normal but realized that he was going to have to put some work into it. Apologized for causing humiliation and explained that he was just in a place where he wanted to go rogue and just check out on life. He said that he was willing to go to counseling and was going to find a therapist.

over a month has past. No therapist or talk about it. No FB friend request acceptance (although his number of friends has grown from 25 to 50 and he changed the fake name to his real name, but he must just keep ignoring the friend request i sent him). I just recently got my dream job, one that will change our financial situations signficantly. His response was "good for you, you've worked hard for this". There is just no "us" or "we". No "Let's celebrate". Nothing. Just a pat on the back like an acquaintance would say.

He is away this week with our son. Today I signed my contract and sent him an excited text. No response. Last night I texted "Love you", this morning I got "Just got this. We are well. Phone died."

I feel like he is playing me. I'm so lonely. This should be such a happy time, but the reality is that now I have some really tough decisions to make. Now I won't be financially dependent on him anymore. All of the fears of getting D or S are gone--this past year I learned to love myself, I learned to detach, I learned to make time for me, and now I can support myself and my kids without having to make any major living or schooling changes for the kids. So now the decision all comes down to if I want this marriage to work or not.

And I'm not so sure. If I knew I could have the old him back, the one from 4 years ago, I would absolutely stick it out. But if this lonely, confusing, alcoholic marriage is all I have to look forward to for the rest of my life, then I want to move on. I knew there was something really wrong when it made me sick to my stomach when I had to choose a beneficiary for my life insurance policy. A few years ago i wouldn't have thought twice about it--who else but him. I wanted to leave him out all together this time, but instead I split it between him and the kids. I figure I can change it down the road if things change.

So what do I do? How do I know? Are there any tricks or tips that I should at this point? I think he likes the detached, divorce-busting me. The one who leaves him alone to drink all he wants, asks nothing of him, and validates. But when do my needs come into play? I want a partner. I want him to think of this life together as OURS. I don't want him to be my sloppy, inconsiderate roommate. We are finally going to be able to plan for the future we had almost given up on, but even looking at homes now I have this sick feeling in my stomach looking at the houses. In the past I would dream about entertaining, about how the rooms would be used for the kids and how I would like to decorate. Now I see him taking over a family room with all of his clutter and sleeping on the couch. I see me alone by a fireplace, with no one to snuggle next to.

I see him being annoyed when I invite people over. and The kids never being allowed to have friends over because he has to take a nap. Maybe I am just being pessimistic. But I am having a really hard time imagining things ever getting good again between us. The last time we had sex I was appalled at how disconnected I felt from him. In September we were so hot and heavy, but it was still only physical. There was no intimacy. There was no attempt on his part to make time for each other. And still no talk of us or we. Even with mundane matters like money and kids. It is There is him. There is me. There is me and the kids. There is him and the dog. I want US!

When he isn't around I get so angry and I think I just want to end it and move on with my life. But then when I see him all of that anger melts away and I just ache to be close to him. Is this part of piecing or is this a sign that just because he doesn't want D anymore doesn't mean the D is fully busted?

Last edited by mustardseed; 10/22/14 09:16 PM.

40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
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I will tell you right now that you are definitely not in Piecing. He hasn't done anything to work on his own issues and has done nothing to move closer to you. All he is doing is rug sweeping you.

Your D is not busted.


M-43 W-40
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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Thanks for your response. So what do I do at this point? Are there any specific DB tools for rug sweeping? I don't remember reading about that in the book, but maybe it is time to check it out of the library again and reread it.

And while I DB with this situation of status quo--should I be financially preparing myself for S or D? Should I keep my guard up that way? I am afraid to tell him how much I will be making. I gave him a ballpark figure but when I signed the contract I realized it was more than I thought. I don't know what the right thing to do is as far as our finances when I feel like I can't trust him. There were so many decisions about medical insurance, life insurance, pension, Annuity, all of these things that I always thought of as being marital decisions but I am on my own. I don't want to be the B-tch that excludes him from everything. He has been the main breadwinner and benefits holder for many years and it doesn't seem fair for me to now leave him out of mine. But I don't trust him right now and I don't want to make anything easy for him financially since he has been holding out on the family finances for so long.

I suggested starting to use the joint account again for household expenses so we can each contribute equally, and getting a Credit Card for him from one of my accounts that we can use just for household expenses and pay in full each month. He told me he doesn't trust himself with a credit card and doesn't want it (I was going to get it for him but not give it to him unless he needed it for a family expense). And he told me he didn't want the joint account because he likes the way things are working now. He gives me bill money (although I always have to ask for it), I deposit into my account and pay everything. I just think things will be more even and open the other way because he is constantly making comments about how I must have so much money because of the checks he gives me--ignoring the fact that that is only enough to cover 1/2 of the bills (not including rent--which is automatically deducted from his pay). And I want him to see all of the extra stuff that I have been paying in addition to my share of the bills--which makes things pretty even--despite the fact that at this point in time I make 1/3 of what he makes. Of course now I will be making almost as much as him. I want him to be clear on the fact that this doesn't change his contribution at all. I will increase mine, it will go into the joint account and we will use it for anything that comes up.

I don't want him to have anything to hold against me. Every time I tried to show him how I am handling the finances so he can see that I am not hording or hiding money, he tells me he trusts me and doesn't need to see it. But then a few months later he makes another comment about how much he gives me.

The funniest part is that when I talked to a lawyer, if we divorce the minimum amount of child support he would be responsible for is only a couple hundred less than what he is contributing now for things that he uses too. Maybe he found out the same thing and that is why he had the change of heart about D.

Ugh, maybe a few months in this new position will help me see if I really want to bust this divorce or if I should just go and file myself. The more I think about it, the more he isn't worth it--but that is because he isn't around. As soon as I see him I fall in love all over again.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
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Okay, slow down. He said that he didn't want a D... BUT did he say he wanted YOU?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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He did during that initial conversation. He was remorseful for what he put me through. He told me that he realizes that he can't expect things to just go back to normal and that maybe marriage counseling is a good idea. He said he will find a therapist for us. Still hasn't. I think enough time has passed where now I should find a few counselors and let him pick one from a short list.

Also a few weeks ago I made a comment about how distant I feel from him. It was during sex and it just came out. And he said, "well then that is something we need to work on." but again no action on his part. Not even the simple act of accepting my friend request on FB. Which seems like such a silly thing. I don't really need to be his FB friend, I am not on it much and I don't think he is either. But it is the whole idea that he says he wants to be with me and work things out and make things better. But even the simplist little thing, like accepting a friend request, he refuses to do--and his reason is "because you can't make me". Or he will play coy and say, "I'll do it when you least expect it." I don't want coy. I don't want games, or even flirtation. I just want to know he means what he says. If he has nothing to hide and it isn't a big deal, then why can't he just do it? If he knows it will bring me one step closer to believing he wants me to be a part of his life--then what is the big deal?

I think maybe it is time for me to push the counseling issue. At this point I feel like I have nothing to lose. And he can't have any excuses to not do it because money won't be so tight anymore. Although I am sure time will be his biggest beef. But then again, if he uses lack of time as an excuse then it just proves that I am not a priority.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Joined: Nov 2013
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I found a Gottman Trained marriage therapist nearby. I will talk to him about it this weekend and see what his response is.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Joined: Jun 2008
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"He did during that initial conversation. He was remorseful for what he put me through."

No he wasn't "remorseful". He was REGRETFUL. Regret is when you're sorry you were caught. He regretted the fact that you caught him with his hand in the cookie jar. True remorse is when the WAS does everything they can do make things right with the LBS, ON THEIR OWN.

"Still hasn't. I think enough time has passed where now I should find a few counselors and let him pick one from a short list.'

No you shouldn't. It should still be an action that HE does.

"Also a few weeks ago I made a comment about how distant I feel from him. It was during sex and it just came out."

Seriously? Sorry but guys will promise and say anything during sex. It's not sincere what he said.

"Which seems like such a silly thing. I don't really need to be his FB friend, I am not on it much and I don't think he is either."

It's not a silly thing. Don't EVER discount what is important to you.

"But it is the whole idea that he says he wants to be with me and work things out and make things better. But even the simplist little thing, like accepting a friend request, he refuses to do--and his reason is "because you can't make me"."

Tell him that you can't "make him", however because of his behavior, you don't feel safe and don't feel that he can protect you and your feelings while he has a secret life. If he makes fun of you, look him dead in the eye and tell him that he will not laugh at your feelings again. Then call a L.

"I think maybe it is time for me to push the counseling issue.But then again, if he uses lack of time as an excuse then it just proves that I am not a priority."

Bingo. He doesn't care about you. Just himself.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Damn. I think you might be right, although I would disagree with the "ashamed he got caught" part. He really didn't get caught doing anything. His change came about after I went away on my own. I think he knew I was done. I also went to see a lawyer around that time, although he didn't know. But it was almost like he sensed it, because out of no where it was like he was trying to win me back. But then it all stopped. I think he was afraid of losing me. And our physical attraction is really strong and was really powerful around that time.

The suspected A is really a grasping a straws situation for me. I have no evidence and really--he is always home. So if he is or was seeing someone else he spent less time with her then he did with me. Part of me wants to believe it is an A because then it would make my choice to go so much easier. I'm not saying it is an absolute no, but I really don't have any real reason to believe it is true except for my imagination and his distance from me.

I think it is time for me to let him know I am not willing to keep this going anymore. His lack of support and care for the things that matter to me is so painful. I can't even believe this is the same man I married. I think I am done fighting for it. But I like that distinction that you make that he needs to be the one to fix it at this point. Words are not enough.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 589
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And just to clarify, I discovered the FB page after he had already indicated he wanted to work things out, but before we had a real talk about what happened and what he was willing to do to make things better.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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"And just to clarify, I discovered the FB page after he had already indicated he wanted to work things out, but before we had a real talk about what happened and what he was willing to do to make things better."

You caught him doing something behind your back. Hence, hand in the cookie jar.

Did you have the talk with him yet?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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