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Jefe Offline OP
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W's reply to the apology text I sent last night:
W: Thank you, I know they do. I will see them before work. I'll come over before I go to the church


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
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Jefe

I agree with Hope that you want to keep the lines of communication open and provide her compliments, assuming that they are true, related to the kids, her work, etc. I have told my W a few times that she is a great mom and that the kids love her. I will compliment her about her work and tell her that we appreciate how hard she works. This is not pursuing. As it has been said before on this forum, that is just being nice and treating her like you would treat a neighbor. It shows confidence and PMA. For example, when my W makes something for dinner, I will say "wow, that smells great. Thanks for making dinner." She will appreciate the compliment but it also shows your confidence and strength.


With that said, you don't need to get drag into her drama nor should you be so quick to respond to calls or texts. You are GALing. You may not have time to reply right away.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
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Jefe Offline OP
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Thanks, Sho. That is SN area where I need work, the instant response.

Lots of positive texts this morning and the wife even called to talk to the girls. She said she'd let me know as soon as she found out more about her new job schedule. It comforts me to know I'm am the first to find out about some of her life experiences.
Very busy the next several days. Good, will keep my mind occupied. The lack of sleep is becoming more of an issue lately, though. Just wish I could shut my mind off at night a little better. I'll work through it.

Cheers everyone, will blog more later.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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Jefe Offline OP
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Well,
Wife called right after she left work to tell me how her second day of training went.
Tonight is her last day working at the church. Very sad indeed. She is working in the children's ministry and the child care workers are all volunteer. She asked me if I could work in there tonight (second time in a row, I worked last week). Feels a little nostalgic and sad all at the same time.
I'm hoping her niceness isn't because she's gearing up for something.
On the flip side, she won't really have time to "date" because her new job is wed-sat 9:30 Am - 9:30 Pm. And the upcoming holidays could make the hours longer.

Still find myself being scared to death every now and then, but it's getting lesser and lesser. I am starting to really miss the female companionship of my wife. Gotta leave for church in 30. Journal more later.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
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Posts: 316
I went to church tonight. I made the mistake of looking to see who else was there, and I saw a man hug his wife. Somehow that hit me very hard and I began to cry, so I left early and came home. I was there for less than 30 minutes. frown


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
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Hi Jefe,

I don’t think your wife is “preparing” to do evil and I don't think she is gearing up for anythig. I think she is very hurt. I believe you both have deep wounds and I believe the wounds go back to the first time you split (before you were married).

I don’t know what caused the breakup but it must have been epic. Because she ran into the arms of another man and you let her.

I strongly urge that before you try to heal the new wounds of 2102, you go back and heal the old wounds.

I don’t think your wife wants out of the marriage because she thinks the grass is greener. I think she wants out of the marriage because she is frustrated and can’t get your attention. Her behavior indicates she wants you to be her hero.

What I find interesting is you completely believe you are being her hero (you are raising your children, you are financially supporting the family, you repairing the vehicles, etc.)

So what does she want and why aren’t you hearing her?

And, more important, how long has she been asking for a hero and how long have you been deaf to her voice?

Your wife lashes out at you. When people lash they usually say what is really bothering them. Remember a while back I gave an example of a lasher:

The Lasher is late picking up the kids and a Yeller says, “What kept you?” the Lasher responds “Are you saying I’m a terrible mother! Well, you’re not that great of a father, either!!!”

Believe it or not, the Lasher actually explained her issue: She felt she was a terrible mother and her feeling of inadequacy was reinforced by the Yeller. The Yeller could easily deescalate the situation by saying, “You’re a great mother. You’re the best mother I’ve ever seen. We just need to buy you a better watch.”

I assume you are familiar with the 12 Step Program. If so, I suggest you take this approach with your marriage.

Specifically, make a searching and fearless inventory of yourself as a partner and (later) a husband over the course of your relationship (Step 4). I would like you to become honest about the exact nature of your wrongs as a partner (Step 5). Make direct amends to your wife about the injuries you caused her (Steps 8 & 9).

This should be a humbling exercise designed to show you understand where you let her down during the relationship. It is not a “discussion” about your marriage. It’s not about her and what you want her to do.

The purpose of your conversation is to try and heal her heart…which I believe is broken. And whatever happened to break her heart needs to be heard, acknowledged, and validated (whether you think it was valid or not).

You will probably have more than one conversation with her. Her behavior indicates there is a lot of pent up hurt. My hope is that after the first conversation she will feel safe enough to have a second conversation with you. The second conversation will lead to a third and so on.

Eventually she will agree to counseling.

If you do these steps I want to emphasize this is about recognizing wounds you inflicted and apologizing. It is not about her recognizing anything. In fact, if she wants to discuss her behavior…stop her.

Explain your appreciation for her willingness to discuss her behavior but it would muddy the waters and change the focus of the conversation. If she wants to have a conversation about her behavior…suggest this might be something you could do in marriage counseling.

Do not engage in any discussion with your wife that allows for an opportunity to “admit” bad behavior on her part. I think you are too emotionally raw to handle anything she would say. And I think you will trigger you the minute she doesn’t tell you what you need to hear.

It is also my opinion that neither of you should discuss your marriage without a trained professional navigating the reconciliation process with you.


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
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Jefe Offline OP
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I remember that day, 8 years ago last month, like it was yesterday.

My drinking had gotten out of control. I wasn't doting on her like I used to and her primary love language is acts of service and she was practically begging me to "serve" her but I was too drunk to hear her. I was so in love with her then and I'm so in love with her now but I was a total mess. Looking back, I can see how much she truly loved me and she tried so hard to make me happy I just could't see it then. I see it now. We wanted to have kids and build a family and it seemed like she couldn't wait. Honestly, neither could I. She scared the crap out of me. She's the real deal. The one true love and the one I've been trying to sabotage and push away.

Util we met she was not the type to have a serious relationship just to have one. When we split it seems like she threw herself at the first guy that paid her enough attention.

What a mess I let this become. I let her down, I crushed her dreams, I broke her spirit.

You know, before this turned ugly, however many weeks ago, she told me more than once that she never wanted anyone else but me. I just never heard it in this context until just now. Holy crap, she really didn't. It's almost like she's saying: "Hello!?! do I have to screw somebody else to get your freaking attention?"

She has journaled before that she had so much fun with me, more fun than she had with anyone else, until demon alcohol got in the way.

Calling my sponsor, now.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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Jefe Offline OP
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"What I find interesting is you completely believe you are being her hero (you are raising your children, you are financially supporting the family, you repairing the vehicles, etc.)

So what does she want and why aren’t you hearing her?

And, more important, how long has she been asking for a hero and how long have you been deaf to her voi
ce?
"

I don't know. I don't want to be deaf anymore.
She wants me to treat her like I did before my drinking took over. She wants me to treat her like I did when I was chasing after her. She want's me to serve her and help her and have true concern for how her day went and and whats important to her. She loves talking about her day in complete sentences describing every stick of gum she chewed and step she took and all she wants if for me to share that with her. And I F'd it up.

I was already a boiling pot of emotions tonight and you just hit me right between the eyes, Hope. I don't want to fail her anymore and I don't want to lose her, again.

She asked me tonight to give her an "act of service" and be her hero. And I plan on doing it.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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Jefe Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: wmwb123
I went to church tonight. I made the mistake of looking to see who else was there, and I saw a man hug his wife. Somehow that hit me very hard and I began to cry, so I left early and came home. I was there for less than 30 minutes. frown

I wish I knew when those types of feelings were about to hit. It would be so much easier I think, sometimes, if you knew it was coming. I still pray for you , wet, fundad, and others often.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
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Originally Posted By: Jefe

I wish I knew when those types of feelings were about to hit. It would be so much easier I think, sometimes, if you knew it was coming. I still pray for you , wet, fundad, and others often.


Thank you, Jefe. I do appreciate your prayers. I continue to pray for you and many others as well. I pray that God will bless all our efforts and give us the faith and strength to see it through.


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
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