Edz - continuing to move forward

[jim0987]

You sound melancholy. Don't worry things will get better

When you do your envisioning try it as what kind if person you want to be rather than what your situation will be. Imagine some of the kinds of situations you would have handled badly and envision how you want to handle them in future.

I know you want your family back (believe me I know that feeling too well) but focus on making yourself better and the changes permanent - they can't help but notice.

[edz]

Hi

following on from the above, firstly I should point out i raise none, absolutely none of this kind of issue in front of W, a calm PMA is all thats shown and I remain calm, happy, balanced and occasionally funny thats it.

Second Im looking for a little advice. I'm obviously not in NC and theres no one else (unless she's hiding them in a cellar somewhere from S) but I do try to limit my coms as otherwise I could easily go overboard, dont try to push anything R, dont start conversations unless they relate to S, something we need to get done or a light carefree invitiation (i.e. taking S for Pizza she's welcome to join if she would like, if its a no theres no issue).

With the moving coming onto the agenda I'll obviously be taking most of the contents of the apartment such as TV etc. Some things are easy to sort (we have 2 sofas) but she will need to get a TV etc and is asking for my help. I'm presently treating these as if they are a request from a friend / neighbour but W said she doesnt know how I feel about helping out when she moves in (setting up TV, sorting internet access etc).

Now my natural reaction is to help, help, help and be about as much as I can. But I think this is probably counter productive since she's saying she wants space and I also should probably need to be missed!

Anyone got any advice on how to roll with this?

Our sitch seems odd and doesnt seem to fit what a lot of others are finding, W doesnt seem to have any hostility to me right now (unless she's just covering it or is manipulating me) and keeps saying she wants to just be up front and discuss things. But Im not certain if she's actually entertaining the idea of getting back together at some point or just manoevering me to get her where she wants to be and what she needs.

Kills me to think that way but this kind of thing really screws with your thinking!

Thanks

[edz]

You sound melancholy. Don't worry things will get better

When you do your envisioning try it as what kind if person you want to be rather than what your situation will be. Imagine some of the kinds of situations you would have handled badly and envision how you want to handle them in future.

I know you want your family back (believe me I know that feeling too well) but focus on making yourself better and the changes permanent - they can't help but notice.

Many thanks for this, yes, melancholy fits the bill well. I'm not sobbing into the cushions or wailing and confusing the cats but Im also not feeling much of anything, so yes, melancholy.

I like the idea on envisioning my reactions, I have done that as part of my "self therapy" relating to delaing with S and have indeed run over some of the times I reacted with frustration and what I would do now. In deed at the resteraunt the other night he was full of beans as he'd been indoors a lot due to the weather here at the moment. He was therefore playing up, the old me would have reacted very nageatively I know, I can see my old actions in my mind and they would have made matters worse and enraged W. This time I was calm joked with him calmed him and we played noughts and crosses (tic tac toe) on the play pack he was given. I know my changes are making me a better person, I think the frustration now is in being able to apply that where I want to and thats the work I need to do on myself.

Thanks for the reply

[edz]

Remember I wrote this

thinking of the way life can change so quickly.

W just called to say shes going to ask work can she work part time and would I mind therefore if im working from home having S two days a week (from her description before and after I move).

Had a brief chat about it, I'm very happy for this to happen (S would bring work sheets etc to work through in the day while I work). I suppose If I were a cynic I could say this is just fitting into W's schedule but if its time with S at home? I'll take it.

[raliced]

That sounds like a very positive development for you and your son Edz, as I recall your wife seemed to have him on a pretty tight leash. Go ahead and be cynical- the end result is more time with your S.

[edz]

That sounds like a very positive development for you and your son Edz, as I recall your wife seemed to have him on a pretty tight leash. Go ahead and be cynical- the end result is more time with your S.

Indeed, obviously she still needs to get the ok from work but I dont have an issue with anything that gets me more time with S, my only concern is this is while MIL is away when she returns will W just flip/flop again and suddenly MIL will have him on those days. But for now, for now I'm going to be happy W suggested it at all given the fact for the first 4 weeks she wasnt even comfortable with him being out without her!

[edz]

Well rental paperwork doesnt get any simpler, 2 3/4 hours to fill in the application and references. Still have a letter to send as well..

[edz]

And as expected she called today to say she's found a possible school place for him from January as that will give her time to work since she's concerned for Money coming in.

I really can't (and I'm getting to the point where I don't want to) keep up with the number of direction changes she's presently making to be honest. I have a feeling this is because she's backing away from the idea of this appartment and still being connected to her mother and is trying to go back to the idea of renting somewhere and will not stop until she gets it.

I do know the one idea she doesnt want to entertain, and I'm trying hard not to keep bringing up is the idea of coming back so whatever I'm not her agenda right now, no change there then.

Honestly I think school is a good idea though, it will reduce her 24/7 time with S and even she admits he's not putting in enough effort and she will never get into conflict with him so wont push the matter not to mention anything that distances MIL has to be good.

Well, suppose I'll just focus on the mundane business at hand, while I dont doubt she'll change her mind several times in the next few weeks (days, hours, minutes) I'll just give her the space to do so. Nothing she comes up with is going to be relating to anything other than what she wants and even S is now being pushed into second place with HE being jettisoned rather than her plans to find somewhere so nothing I say is going to phase her.

Well, no point in worrying about it, back to my routine I suppose.

[South74]

Think it's called vacillating .
We just have to hang in there

[edz]

"wavering between different opinions or actions; irresolute."

Yup, that's it all right.