Thanks bklyn. I'm at the gym now, drenched in sweat. Came straight here.
I guess there's positives that she's definitely seen all of my changes. And I am very grateful for those changes. I just have this fear that they don't matter. That this isn't really about me, but about her escaping into a fantasy, mixed up along the way by her drinking and her health. I have to be at peace with that.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
1foot2, I read your thread . So many similar stories on these waw. Buying kids toys, been there, seen same thing with waw and my kids. They can't give them emotional support cause there in Lala land. You will come out of this a better person. Keep on doing what you are doing. I know it's hard. Take a look at starsky and Mr Bond s post. Follow there advice. It will help keep you sane. Keep up the good work with your kids. I am in a similar boat. WAw have no problem with what they are doing. One day when they do! It won't be pretty! Maybe you will be there to help her pick up the pieces and maybe you won't. That will be for you to decide. Keep GAL and detaching you are doing well for the short time this has been going on.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Thanks for the positives guys. Just had a good chat with my close friend who is all filled in on my sitch. He said it's good that I got to say what I've wanted to say for a long time, that my next relationship will be better, with someone else or with her.
What frustrates me is her saying I have to let her go. I have! She won't go. I asked her to move out in early Sept! She still seems to be making this my decision somehow, even though I have completely stepped aside and let her do whatever she's wanted, and doubled down mg efforts to run the family without her.
At the end if the night, I feel positive.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Next time she says you have to let her go. You might say something like you decided to walk a way from the marriage and family this has nothing to do with me letting you go. No vet here but I think going LRT dark is a good strategy for you to keep your sanity.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
What frustrates me is her saying I have to let her go. I have! She won't go. I asked her to move out in early Sept! She still seems to be making this my decision somehow, even though I have completely stepped aside and let her do whatever she's wanted, and doubled down mg efforts to run the family without her.
from my situatuion i would never give someone the green light again to leave. think i found that out to late. read something about not making decisions for them somewhere on the forum but it was a bit to late for me.
similar behaviour to my W . i had to be the one to ask her to leave she wouldnt leave on her own.
the amount of times she would say she was leaving and then when i agreed it would suddenly change to me throwing her out . not one of my finest moments but remember saying to her "why dont you grow a pair of balls and just leave"
even after i agreed to let her leave and in conversations in the last few days at home i would say why dont you just stay and we can work this out she used to say " but you agreed to let me go why are you changing your mind" so i used to say " ok then dont leave and we can sort this out " and she would then reply "but i have to leave " this would go on for days . someitmes i wonder if i just never agreed to her leaving but think she would have just got more outragous until i did thropw her out.
something that seems to have backfired is my ability to run the family/house on my own, something that im sure she thought i would completely fail at . she passed comment to my daughter one time that give it a few weeks and the house will be a disaster and you will be all beging me to return. well im keepping ontop of everything and feeling pretty good about it but then sometimes i think that it made her feel even more worthless to the family when she did come home for a trial as she diditn need to do anything because i did it all.
so think there must be a very fine balance of what you and your W do regards the family/house.
Last edited by South74; 10/22/1408:24 AM.
Me 40 W 37 Together 22 years S18 D12 WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life After the 2 weeks she has left .
That might be the case but that highlights that she has her own issues to deal with. If your keeping on top of the house then what's wrong with that its certainly better than it being an unpleasant environment.
If you dated someone new and their place was a tip because they couldn't cope - how many more dates would their be? Remember part of this is about being attractive and being in control of your own life is surely part of that.
I know my W was annoyed with my increased housework because she was frustrated that I 'could just turn it on like that' I didn't tell her it was because I stopped caring whether she thought I was doing it wrong.
Last edited by jim0987; 10/22/1408:27 AM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
That might be the case but that highlights that she has her own issues to deal with. If your keeping on top of the house then what's wrong with that its certainly better than it being an unpleasant environment.
If you dated someone new and their place was a tip because they couldn't cope - how many more dates would their be? Remember part of this is about being attractive and being in control of your own life is surely part of that.
I know my W was annoyed with my increased housework because she was frustrated that I 'could just turn it on like that' I didn't tell her it was because I stopped caring whether she thought I was doing it wrong.
That made me chuckle . The part about doing it wrong . I would always miss a bit or not clean it the correct way .
Me 40 W 37 Together 22 years S18 D12 WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life After the 2 weeks she has left .
Next time she says you have to let her go. You might say something like you decided to walk a way from the marriage and family this has nothing to do with me letting you go. No vet here but I think going LRT dark is a good strategy for you to keep your sanity.
I am curious what the vets think as my sitch is a bit abnormal. I am fine taking things slowly. I said two very clear, concise things to her that I have had on my mind (my next relationship, and that my changes are for me and permanent). I'd like to let those stew with her a bit.
As far as not making the decision for her, and letting reality "sort her out", I have followed that to the best of my ability. Asking her to move out six weeks ago was my last ditch effort to assert my independence, and was before I began DBing. Since then, I have left it up to her, and that's where we are now, with no sign of her leaving.
I feel good about our conversation. She didn't really make much of an argument to me, just said these empty sounding things about her own path, having a wild heart, emotional connections, etc. I guess the flip side of becoming a man only a fool would leave is, sometimes the fool just leaves.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
I just don't think you should talk to her about your relationship or her hypocrosy.
Saying one thing and doing another is par for the course.
Check out the Laura Munson book - this isn't the season you think it is.
You should order it now.
Please new comers need to realize do not engage in these conversations with them. You need to find outside sources to confide in - these boards, therapists, close friends. But don't talk to them
I do not agree with igits reply because it's a come back. Do not try to debate these lunatics. You are right and they are crazy. You have zero chance of winning a debate.
You are on the right track. Do not fall for the set up of talking about it
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
