Maybell, please don't let his looks make you think that things have changed. My H gives me those looks all the time, but it's because he is feeling guilt and pity. After all, he is sleeping with someone else. Of course he's sad about breaking up the family, but he's so self-centered that I know better than to think that those looks have anything to really do with me or his feelings toward me. Don't let it make you wonder. He will tell you outright if he wants to reconcile. It's hard not to try to read into every little gesture, but that what is necessary to preserve sanity in these crazy situations. Stay strong!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I'm not saying that he wants to reconcile. He's not sleeping with OW because she's in another country, but that doesn't mean he doesn't wish he was. What I meant was, hearing those things confirms my feeling that this isn't necessarily terminal to our future together, and that it makes it really hard to detach.
I know for sure that *I'm* not ready to spend more time with him yet, let alone reconcile, but I hope to get there. I miss him and I miss simply enjoying time with him.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Hmmm.... so can you love him enough to stay hopeful and patient and let go for the time being? To let him follow his own path at his own pace? Can you lovingly detach? It means being the stronger one for now and putting ego and pride aside. Not easy...
Well, Claire, that's what I've been working on and I am improving at it. Still a long way to go though.
It occurs to me that S8 asking for more time with his dad could go one of two ways: either H will start to see that my requests for more of his attention were not so excessive (just poorly executed), because the kids are becoming more forthright about asking for it too, and therefore he will start to address the reasons he is so closed off from people who love him, or he will withdraw from the kids too. Given that he HAS been making more efforts with the kids, I'm hoping it's the first one.
Time will tell.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Raining this morning so spent time on he treadmill. Watched the Amy Cuddy Ted Talk 25 promotes. Wow, was it powerful. I'm going to make my kids do power poses every morning. D11 is going to have to do them twice a day.
Then I watched one by Brene Brown on vulnerability. I think my life might be changed. I'm going to watch it again. I had no idea she would be so funny and reachable. And I believe her. Between the two, I feel inspired to do more things differently. And I think I have a new addiction. I had always thought of self-help gurus as soft-spoken people who turn everything, no matter what into a positive. But though Brene Brown did talk about finding the positive in challenging situations, it wasn't about rolling over and accepting them passively. It was about the strength required to find the good, and the benefits that strength brings to the rest of your life.
I'm expressing this poorly, but I feel very impacted, so I guess I'll go off and process it more.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Btw, Card, I don't think he's utterly closed off from me right now. I think he'd still be asking me to lunches and stuff if I hadn't blown up and demanded more space. Right before I did that we had started making plans to spend more time together alone. I just found I couldn't do it without all kinds of expectations and anger. I'm not even fully convinced he wouldn't like to figure out a way to make things work, if he could magically feel the same way about me at he does/did about OW (I spit on her name). Focusing on myself and the kids gives me peace and perspective.
What I really meant was, I hope he sees their need of him as a reason to grow and change.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
That's great to hear Maybell. It's hard to imagine how this experience can possibly be an opportunity for positive growth. So I love how you are realizing that. ..and the strength it takes to do that. That's a big part of why I am so grateful for this forum. We are not allowed to play the victim or just stew in our (justified) anger. We are coached to be strong and focus on ourselves...not just in a "you'll be ok without him" kind of way.. but in a "you can be strong enough to become a better person" kind of way.
Well I'm glad to hear that clarification about his position. Of course we can't mind read but it does seem like you have some reasons to be hopeful for the future. You have the right idea, though. I'm glad you were able to recognize that you need that space to be prepared for more alone time with him.
I will check out those TED talks!
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Just started the Brene Brown talk on vulnerability...I've seen this before! I saw it in the spring, before BD. Let's see how it impacts me now that I'm in the biggest crisis of my life (everything was beautiful, to my eyes, when I first saw this).
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
D11 is going to have to do them twice a day. 