Newcomer With Hope

[MrBond]

Have you read DB or DR yet?

[Little]

Yes, I've read both, along with His Needs, Her Needs and The Five Love Languages. I've watched a lot of Michelle's videos on YouTube, as well.

[gan]

Frustrated by all the defense I'll never get out. I've validated his feelings and admitted to my crap but some of his accusations are false and unfair.

Hi Little, Thanks for dropping by my thread the other day. I'm on to you now!

I was fascinated by your phrase above. What did you mean by that?

[Little]

Frustrated by all the defense I'll never get out. I've validated his feelings and admitted to my crap but some of his accusations are false and unfair.

Hi Little, Thanks for dropping by my thread the other day. I'm on to you now!

I was fascinated by your phrase above. What did you mean by that?

I've heard his point of view about what his issues with me in our R were. I've admitted to my piece, validated his feelings about them, apologized, and told him there's a lot I'd change about the past and if I could go back and do things differently, I would.

That said, some of the thing he's said to me when discussing why he feels our R is "just done" bother me. I know his truth is his truth, and it's valid no matter how I feel about it. I know I'm not supposed to believe what he says when he's lashing out, because he's only focused on the negative right now. BUT, I'm an emotional human being. Sometimes snippets of those things said float back to me and I get upset I can't give my side of some of the things he's saying.

To give one example, he told me there was no affection in our relationship, which I feel is seriously just plain BS. I'd never tell him that, because it would be counter-productive, but I can list sixteen different ways we were affectionate on a daily basis, and it bothers me he's just pretending those things didn't exist.

I guess I feel stirred to defend the good things we shared, as much as I can't/shouldn't/won't.

[Little]

Contact!

HIM: I have your cardboard puzzle holder. I left it with all the puzzle pieces that were still in it on top of my car.

HIM: Hope you're doing well without crabby patients at work.

HIM: I mean the car in the garage lol

HIM: Not flying away.


In truth he can throw that crap away, it's been under the couch for so long and I haven't even looked at it.

I'm tempted to ignore him, but I might just respond "Thanks" and leave it alone.

[Little]

Yup. "Roger. Thanks."

That was it.

I'M STRONG AND HAVE WILLPOWER!

[Sotto]

Hi Little

In terms of those reasons why the R is "over" - it is pretty galling, but really common for history to be re-invented in the minds of wayward S.

You could argue and reason about it - but I doubt it would do much good for now. These are realisations he has to have in his own time...

[MrBond]

"Sometimes snippets of those things said float back to me and I get upset I can't give my side of some of the things he's saying."

Tell him "I see. I don't recall it being like that, but I'm interested in seeing why you might think that."

Usually that throws the WAS for a loop because you're not flying off the handle and being emotional. It throws the ball back into their court and makes them have to "think" about what they just said and whether or not it makes sense.

[gan]

Nicely phrased, MrBond. (I can't say that without putting on a Russian accent in my head). May I ask, were you always able to phrase things like that…and if not, how did you train yourself? That sounds like a stupid question but I find my reactive communication style gets in the way of this type of exchange; I'm trying to make changes in this area to improve all my relationships (personal and professional).

Sorry for the hijack Little! As for you - good exchange with the BF earlier. Regarding your comments, and your perspective that you don't get the opportunity to defend, why do you have to? You were there. You lived it. It was your reality. You don't need to defend that to him. David Schnarch talks about self-validation vs other-validation. It's difficult to observe our S's re-writing history but that will only bother us if we rely on other-validation.

[MrBond]

"May I ask, were you always able to phrase things like that…and if not, how did you train yourself? "

There's no such thing as a stupid question. What's stupid is not asking the question in the first place. In my situation (and many others with the WAS), my W had shut down and didn't want to talk about anything. Whenever she did, it was always in anger.

It was a cheeseless tunnel. So I started thinking about what I could do differently. I figured that rather than talking with her, I would just communicate with her in a different way. I listened to posters like 25yrsmlc and sandi2 who took me to the woodshed more than once when I did the wrong thing. I listened to advice that I didn't personally agree with and tried to understand. I read books on communication and how to work on your marriage without talking about it. I read books on how to read body language like the CIA. And I read and tried to learn everything I could about women.

I started testing out what I learned. When we talked and it started to escalate into an argument, I slowed things down. I watched how her body responded. I validated and if I saw that she disagreed with what I said through her body language, I would quickly shift gears and reword what I said until I could see her body start getting less tense. Eventually her arms would stop crossing and she started to slowly pay attention to what I was saying. And likewise I showed her the proper body language that showed her that I was listening.

It took months of this but it improved things dramatically. Just do what works and NEVER EVER dismiss the advice given to you even though you disagree. There is no right or wrong answer.