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Originally Posted By: JCred
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JCred, I accept your apology unreservedly..


Thanks. Very kind of you.

Quote:
I would also like to apologize for my reply to you, as looking back, I may have been a bit harsh myself..


Apology accepted. grin

Now. Back to the issue at hand... Winning your wife back...

I highly recommend that your first step is to call Dbing and set up a series of appointments with Chuck.... I am sure he will tell you to find something in your life to get passionate about as part of GAL..Notice the word PASSIONATE..... He has also been known to say to laugh a lot.... learn to laugh and laugh often... (Women LOVE to laugh with a man who they are in love with... they often fall in love with men who like to laugh and have silly fun)...

From my experience and from listening and observing most women.... Here's what I think your most important goals should be....


Confidence.. (Over and over you will see that women are attracted to confident men).. In your case it's important to show that you are fine with life just the way things are. With or without her....

Women love men who are happy... (If you really observe relationships you will see that happy men attract women. Happy men keep women. They love men who are fun to be with and can joke around...
When you observe the men who came on this site because their wife wants out.. almost every instance the man has said he had been depressed or angry or not happy with his job, etc. etc. etc... I don't recall too many of them saying I was a happy person to live with so she left me... Learn to be a happy man.. (Happy just as things are)..

Emotionally strong... Women are attracted to emotionally strong men. Men who they can lean on emotionally. Think of the silent, strong, rock kind of man.... It's ok to show feelings now and then, but the wise man is EMOTIONALLY tuned to HER FEELINGS.. This is why it will set you back by wanting to talk about the "relationship".. It conveys WEAKNESS emotionally and trust me women can sense this and it is a huge turnoff.. We don't want to show weakness emotionally at this point.. We want to show STRENGTH emotionally... Kind of like... "Hey, I can handle this." (with your actions more than your words)


When you combine these all together consistently with NO BACKSLIDES.. We don't want backslides... Yes, we will tell you to move on from them, but let's eliminate them altogether as far as the confidence, being a happy man and being emotionally strong... this puts you on the right track...

Please be careful with overdoing things FOR her... You mentioned fixing her lights,making the kids tea and also tea for her... mentioning fixing her some food.. that's three things in one paragraph.. that could be too much too soon.. You can come across as "trying" too hard... Remember confident men don't usually have to "try" too hard to win a woman... The woman is attracted TO HIM because he comes across as someone ALL women would like..

Confident, happy, emotionally strong men usually don't chase a woman who says they don't want them... That's why it turns a woman off.. Ask Sandi about this..

SOOOOOOO, We have to "chase" her until she catches you.. wink (think about that)...

What 180's can you do to show confidence, happiness and being emotionally strong?... These are ways to draw her back without appearing to be chasing her.....




JCred, apologies for not replying earlier.. I didn't know this reply was sitting here..

As much as I would love to get a DB coach in, it isn't something that I can afford right now.. I know my M is worth any amount of money, but the real world needs bills paid too!!..

I understand what you are saying about the confidence, happiness and emotional strength.. I am showing confidence (more and more daily).. Obviously, I am struggling to be massively happy, but I am always TRYING to put across the front in any of our interactions.. Emotionally, I am getting better, but it is taking time.. I felt I was strong as funk before, and W knew it, but this has seriously rattled me more than anything else I have dealt with in my life..

Backslides have happened, but they are getting fewer and further between, so it must be a positive there..

The lights were spoken about a while beforehand, and although it was doing stuff for her, I found it was a safety thing, and it was more for the kids than her as it is the main car the kids are in.. I agree that the food may seem too much too soon.. I didn't look at it that way, but more of a "it's there, eat if you want".. Point taken though..

I agree about the chase comment.. I've seen it in my life before when women have broken up with me and I gave up caring.. They eventually contacted further down the track to say they were wrong, but it was too late for me by then.. I just fear that happening with W as well.. IF she does come back, I don't want it to be too late..

In all honesty, the 180 I could do would be getting myself seen out and about around town.. I know the pub/club scene causes more issues, but we live in a reasonably small town, and even if I wasn't going out to "pick up", word would get back to her about the good time I was having..

Without sounding like a douche her, but I am fairly attractive (so I have been told) so the female interest element would be there too..


Originally Posted By: bravo61
let it out LMW. you are not sighing, you're pissed and you should be. anger is a totally acceptable emotion. it is your body telling you that something isn't right. vent, cry, scream, but do it all on this forum. don't let the anger control you or hold it in. it will turn into resentment which is the hallmark of the WAS. you don't want to turn into one of them do you? close your eyes and imagine what a M would like like with the best you and the best her. now, can you look in the mirror and say that you have held up your end of the bargain? if you don't put in the work you are wasting your time. i'm not saying you aren't, just the collective YOU (if that makes sense). now picture that wonderful marriage again, is it worth working towards even if it may not happen? if you can't honestly say yes, then you have some decisions to make. who knows, that may help you detach. just my two cents. feel free to visit my thread and smack me about. God knows i feel i can't see positives right now but maybe i'm too close to the sitch.


Bravo, I am with you about letting it out, and no, I don't want to be like the WAS.. AT THE MOMENT I can say yes, I am putting in the work as best I can, and I know full well that I want to save or rebuild my M with W.. I know I can do better, but better is always an option.. At the end of the day if it ends in D, then I want to be able to say I did everything I could and didn't give up, although at times it seems I want to but I fight through those thoughts because my W and kids are worth it..

Yes, our marriage as it was even a year ago is worth working for.. What I see now, I never want to see again!!..

I will visit your thread ASAP..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 148
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So update time!!..

Started my new job today and although it's not what I usually do for actual work, it coincides with one of my favourite hobbies/pastimes so I'm pretty happy about that.. Full time as well, which was apparently going to be hard for me to find around here.. Only took 1 week of looking though!!..

On the W front, well there have been a couple of small wins that I could note.. One win is that she is wanting to spend some time around me (having a coffee and chat for an hour or so when picking the kids up or dropping them off).. Another small win is that she has been talking about we/us lately.. Not in the future sense, but about past stuff.. This didn't happen earlier in S..

I know none of it is huge, and I'm taking them as baby steps, but they are worth noting anyway.. She also seems to be asking for a little more help from me with certain things.. Once again, nothing major, and some of it is "maintenance" style stuff, but that never happened earlier in S either..

Does she want me back, is it the walls slowly coming down or is it just asking as a "friend"??.. Who knows, and honestly, I'm not going to mind read nor am I going to look to far in to it.. I do ask myself "why me" though as she has a good family base, and nothing she has asked me is things they can't handle..


On another note, I have been doing a lot of visiting since returning, and a few of the visits have been to W's family members (at their request).. I must admit, it feels good not to have any judging going on from their perspective.. FIL and MIL have both said they still look at me like a son, and extended family feel the same way too (aunts, uncles etc).. They are all wanting me to spend more time around them as well (invites back etc)..

W is fine with this so that's cool too.. Maybe not breaking up the family aspect may make the path home smoother if it happens..


Finally, I know I've copped a couple of 2x4's in the past for worrying about what W has liked on Facebook, or shared post that are "womens based inspirational quotes" (I would call them something else, but it will get censored!!)..

Anyway, she liked one today, and yes, it can be taken 2 ways, but I think it rings true for most of us on here if you look at the positive side.. It was:

"JUST BECAUSE IT ISN'T HAPPENING NOW, DOESN'T MEAN IT WON'T HAPPEN"

Take from that what you will, but the words do ring true as a pick me up.. Maybe that is her frame of mind, or maybe it was just something she though was good.. Either way, I'm glad she shared those words as they hit me in a good place for MYSELF..

If you look deeper in to it, it may not even be about our W/H's, but it does instill a feeling of "everything will be ok" somewhere down the track..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
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My W describe her mortgage appointment for a new house on her own as 'kill or cure' so I think to an extent they are exactly like us - just looking for hope that the future will be better.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 148
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LoveMyW Offline OP
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Thankfully we didn't have a house in the mix Jim.. I wish we did, but never got around to it..

I see what you are saying though..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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Glad the job is going well by the way


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 148
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LoveMyW Offline OP
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Thanks Jim.. First day in to it, and it has been enjoyable!..

It did my self esteem a world of good finding and getting it, as I have always been one to be able to sell myself, and it proved to me that after everything that has happened in the last few months that I have still got it!!..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 148
L
LoveMyW Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 148
Another great weekend with the kids this one has been, but its a bit of a "boys day in" today as the weather isn't the best for outdoor activities.. PS3 and Xbox it is!!..

W seems to be softening a bit more, and seems to be wanting more communication with me.. We had a chat last night after the boys were in bed and she mentioned about a couple of times I had questioned her in the past over her activities, and why I did it.. I said to her it is because I care and that I love her (first time I have told her I love her in 2 months).. I also mentioned that we both need to live our separate lives and be great parents for our kids (which we both are), but there is also ALWAYS going to be care and love there for her from me..

She had her rebuttal by saying that she will always care about what I do too but stopped short of saying anything about love.. In the past she has says she doesn't care about me dating etc, but doesn't care about anything I do.. Well in this conversation the mood kind of changed.. I mentioned to her that we are very similar in feelings etc and that I know she would care, to which she admitted that she would.. She also said she does care about my GAL (not her word), and would be happy to see me do things but she can see a herself being territorial with dating.. I know this doesn't mean much to most of you (the territorial part), but we have ALWAYS said we aren't jealous of each other, but we are territorial (jealousy is for things you don't have, being territorial is for things you do)..

Funnily enough, there was no talk of not getting back together this time (which usually precludes these chats), but there was no talk of getting back together either..

I didn't initiate any of this conversation at all, but just listened, validated and answered where I needed to in what I deemed to be the appropriate manner..

After the "in depth" sort of talk, we just spoke more casually (the deeper talk seemed light as well though and not full or serious R talk) and she mentioned she was at home bored, but not feeling too well because of a cold.. I told her me and the boys were about to have pizza and watch a movie and left it at that.. Her response was "I'd like to watch it and have pizza, but I don't want to make you sick".. Once again I left it at that instead of saying "come over it doesn't matter".. I put out the offer without directly asking or making it, and she responded at least..

I asked her what she is doing for the boys for halloween (not a big thing where we are) and she mentioned not much.. I said that maybe I/we should take them trick or treating (I don't have them next weekend).. W caught me off guard when she said "we should all get dressed up and go around".. I said are you serious, and W said that she would think about it, but either way I could pick up the kids and take them.. When I mentioned about costumes she said I should go as someone with their head chopped off, and she would be the person with the bloody machete!!.. I laughed, said that would be right and agreed that it would be funny.. We both got a good chuckle anyway!!..

We worked out that the easiest/cheapest costume for the boys would be zombies (they are right in to them at the moment), so a visit to an op shop is in order to get a couple of little suits to make a mess of, then the fake blood etc as well.. It should be fun for us even if W decides not to go!!..

All in all, whether the walls are coming down or not, I don't know but everything seems to be coming along more freely lately.. I'm trying my hardest not to push too hard, and to stay at the right distance.. I'm still keeping it in my mind that I am nowhere near the finish line yet, even though I can kind of see it in the distance, through a telescope!!..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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Quote:
I'm trying my hardest not to push too hard


Don't push.......period. If she is warming towards you, it won't take much to scare her off.

This is my opinion about most cases and what/how most LBH's should do b/c I think it is where a lot of guys mess up. They have it in their heads they can talk her into taking him back. If he says enough and convinces her that she really does love him and really does want to be with him......then she will surrender and once again he has conquered her. They ride off into the sunset and everything goes back to normal once again.

The truth is that the more he tries to change her mind, the more he hurts himself. Not only does it make him appear needy and insecure, but most WAW'S would feel very smothered and pressured by his persistence.

Instead of assuring her that she will always have your love, it would work better for you if she was a little concerned about it (at this particular point and time) b/c she knows she has hurt you really bad, and she knows you should find a woman who actually wanted to be with you. In other words, she should not take you for granted. And she will......as long as you persue her and proclaim your undying love all the time. Actually, a woman will think less of a man who they treat badly and he keeps running after her. I mean, would you respect someone like that? Neither will she.

So, don't try to change her mind. Don't try to convince her the M can be fixed or that you have changed or anything. If she wants to talk, then STFU and just listen. (This is not the time for you to talk.) Too many LBH'S are way too eager to give their opinions at the slightest chance. She will get scared to even approach the subject, knowing you will jump at the chance to talk.....talk....and talk. Or in other words, pressure......pressure......pressure.Stop trying to win her back. It makes a LBH unattractive to his WAW, b/c everything has shifted gears and the rules are different now.

Enjoy your life, be charming, and let her come find you and work to get you back again. Am I suggesting that you act cold, mean, distant, etc.? No, not at all. Just stop trying to have a R with someone who doesn't want you. Why would you want to have someone who doesn't love you? Don't you deserve to have a woman who loves you as much as you love her? That's all I'm saying. Just stop the pushing. Let her make up her own mind without your pressure, and let her pursue you!
smile


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks for the words Sandi... I understand exactly what you are saying, and I'm trying to back off when these chats come up, but what you have said is true for us LBS.. I get the feeling I do push the point too soon..

I also get the feeling she is worried about me moving on at the moment (not that I am looking to, but "as-if") and that is why she has warmed a bit.. That is just my opinion anyway.. Next time we have one of these chats if she initiates it, I will be a bit more non-chalant (for want of a better word)..

I am definitely enjoying my life more now that I am back in familiar surroundings, and that I am seeing my kids again.. I am wanting to make this work so I am taking heed of your words (and anyone else who has posted).. I've been the first one to admit I have had a few backslides, but they are getting fewer and further between..


Anyway, I'm taking a small win here I think.. As you all would have read earlier in my thread, soon after S, W changed her relationship status on FB to "single".. Well after our chat she has since hidden any relationship status (so it says none to show).. Nothing major I know, but to me it makes her seem less on the market..

Also, last night was a bit of a first in a while too.. I got a message later at night (around my bed time) asking how my day at work was.. Again, nothing major, but it sort of is for me as talk like that purely about my day hasn't happened in a while.. A small text chat ensued and I broke it off nicely after a few messages..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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Sorry to hijack slightly but I have a question for sandi (following up from some excellent advice)

Where do you see the line between being friendly and accommodating and being needy/weak?


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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