Many thanks for the encouragement. I just don't see it happening without a miracle; her change of mind/heart that is. She's been checked out for so long and she believes what she wants to believe. She says she's forgiven me, but then says she can't forgive/get past what was said and done even when acknowledging and saying she understands things from my perspective. She would rather give up everything she cares about and take a path that she admits would be harder than staying and working things out. She insists she cannot see changes and doesn't trust I will ever be able to offer her the trust and security she needs. This last one hurts me the most I think. It hurts because in my mind I've made huge changes but I'm just not completely there yet. She'll recognise the little things I've done such as cooking her meals, taking her out and treating her, giving her daily compliments, respecting her space happily. But the changes that have been hard for me were changing my desire to be understood and go about trying to prove myself "right" and caring about her feelings and wanting to understand her. I guess I hadn't given enough acknowledgement without any correction. Some of her perceptions about me were clearly wrong and were causing her to think of me as untrustworthy and uncaring. So after listening to her feelings, telling her I understand how she feels and then telling her how I felt and why I acted as I did, I am still thought of as trying to criticise her and prove I'm right and she's wrong.
It was frustrating and I now realise that I should have had more patience and validated her feelings more without trying to share my own, at least initially to build the connection and trust.
But it's done now. I can only 180 for my own sanity. There's nothing I can do to save this marriage. She's declared it dead and moving on to the wonderful new life she wants - and I've wished her well. I am at a loss and grieving but I still want to maintain my dignity and deep, deep down I cannot stop caring for her and loving her so I endeavour to remain respectful and compassionate right to the moment I kiss her goodbye for the rest of my life. I love her enough to let her go if she's truly unhappy. I've given her everything and that's the last gift I can bring myself to giving her.
There's no saving this marriage - only learning from it.
Ok. I'd agree that my thoughts would govern my attitude and all I feel at the moment is defeat. But I honestly do not know what to do that would give me any chance of saving my marriage.
I'm pretty sure I'm up to LRT and having to 180 everything. The situation right now is that I'm working away (can't do anything about that) and she is raising the money to petition a divorce and then get the money for a deposit on an apartment and move out - the aim before Christmas. Then I'd be left with fixing up the house and selling it.
I asked for us to attempt counselling - she said there's no point given she checked out.
I asked what it would take for her to trust me again - she said nothing could make her trust me again.
I asked whether she has the ability to forgive and move forward together - she says that my actions are unforgiveable.
I asked whether it was possible for us to agree not to discuss relationship and just share activities together/have fun together - the answer was no, she's wants a divorce.
So, I clueless - how can I hope to revitalise this relationship. I'm also emotionally shattered to bits and scared to even think about trusting anyone again, let alone the wife that promised to always be there for me no matter what. I know this is unhealthy and I'll need counselling to heal from this, but it's not a good place to come from to have an iota of hope.
And what have you been doing to improve YOURSELF? What were the issues that may have contributed to her straying in the first place? For example, if you had a weight issue, you don't need to be with her to start getting healthy. Things like that you can change and those changes will be for yourself and not just the M.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Never had a weight/health problem. Wife thinks I'm attractive and trim in that department (and beyond). The main gripe was my general negativity and lack of assertiveness. I was down about my job, my attitude to life was lack lustre and there was no passion. I'd always had purpose and drive whilst I was studying and when I initially started my job but then my job changed and I became demoralised.. and so my life became.
I identified this and tried to re-engage with my hobbies and sought IC to tackle insecurities in my own life. I have a much more positive outlook now and I am getting more strength to adopt a healthier mindset.
I read many books, blogs and became more pro-active to achieving my goals but I was and still am hindered by my desire to rekindle the connection with my wife - almost that I feel I'm on hold until I get a positive sign that things could improve. Trying to be honest with myself here - I think I have trouble letting go and wanting affirmation that there was progress in the relationship but by seeking that, I was inadvertently pushing her away with all the discussions and arguments.
Anyhow, I phoned her this evening to suggest leaving the divorce petition until she's moved out and asked her to consider couple's counselling together as a final attempt. She agreed to postpone the divorce proceedings and would have a think about the counselling.
Unfortunately, I do not know of any solution-oriented marriage-positive therapists in my area.
"Anyhow, I phoned her this evening to suggest leaving the divorce petition until she's moved out and asked her to consider couple's counselling together as a final attempt. She agreed to postpone the divorce proceedings and would have a think about the counselling. "
This is actually a VERY good sign. She could have just said 'no'.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I appreciate that. I just don't know of any counsellors in my area that are supportive of marriage in the same way as DB/DR. My wife and I don't have communication issues as such. We don't have blazing rows or bicker, we just have different ideals when it comes to the marriage. For her, the trust is broken and will never be regained and she is convinced that the incidents that have broken her trust are for the reasons she believes - not for the reasons I give.
Any help in locating a suitable counsellor would be gratefully received.
So she's got a flat and she's moving out, and making it clear on social media. Divorce papers will probably be my Christmas present. I have been positive and smiling around her, showing I care and wanting the best for her. I didn't give the affection I normally do but received a hug and a cuddle in my sleep (which was probably just force of habit). I really can't see this marriage coming back although I hope for a miracle. The writing's on the wall and when I asked whether there's the tiniest thread of a glimmer of hope she said no - she's happier away from me and the arguing. What more can I do now?
