Hi. Very hard not to try to talk about M but your W idles not want to talk about it so you have to stop. She has to make HER mind up or what's the point, you cannot convince her only she can do that. Be the best you can be and SHOW her the changes don't tell her about the changes. I hope it works out for you.
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Minimal contact in last couple days. Just exchanged pleasantries via chat, how was your day, is work busy etc.
She has asked me and I have agreed to move out of our new house so she can live in it. I'll help pay half the mortgage during the separation and we'll see how it goes from there. She has mentioned that she thinks she will have a decision within 3 months. I'm just worried she has already made up her mind to end at a divorce. OR maybe she is testing me as in the past I have been extremely needy and controlling.
I will continue to not initiate contact and GAL'ing. I've been working out and hanging out with friends more. Thinking about joining some sporting leagues. My goal is to be shredded by the end of 3 months so I have also cut back on soda and eating out.
During the course of the day its OK, when I keep myself busy its not as painful. But I do find coming home, waking up and going to sleep the most painful experiences. Every time I come home to an empty house its just gut wrenching. Waking up and going to bed are where my mind is most vulnerable to wander. In those moments of silence and loneliness my mind runs through all the possible out comes positive or negative. The negative ones bring me down and the positive ones do as well just because I do not know how it will end.
I'll continue trying to be positive and filling my schedule to keep my mind busy.
Also we have a 13yr anniversary since we met coming up. Any plans on how to handle that? I'm thinking about making her something to mark it. Nothing expensive..
Not sure if it is appropriate to give her something that reminds her of our relationship at this moment.
Last week she texted me that instead of a trial separation she wants to do a legal separation. Which in our state is explicitly different than divorce. I think it just makes us individual entities financially. I agreed to that; she also asked me to move out of our new house so she can live in it. I also agreed to this because she is staying at her mom's which is very cramped while my parents have a open guest room. Am I being too spineless by agreeing to all this? I feel like I am sacrificing because of my feelings for her.
After the text I immediately stopped initiating contact and I am continuing to do so. She actually reached out to me on the weekend and called me. Just an informal chat about our day maybe 2-3 minutes long. She then texted me the next day asking what I was doing. Haven't talked since.
About the anniversary gift I think I will just make a small inexpensive gift and leave it on our coffee table when I leave the house at the end of this week. I will try not to bring it up in any conversations if we have any. Is this a good idea?
No changes so far, she seems dead set on "going our separate ways." And following trough with the legal separation. Should I place hope in that she asked for a legal separation and not a divorce outright?
Everyday is still extremely difficult and I can get hit by sudden bouts of extreme sadness or depression to rage. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be treated this way. To be discarded like trash like this. She has never been upfront about her happiness it was always hints and tests. But of course I should have listened and seen it. Afterwards it was pretty obvious to me.
Also she has told me that currently she is not interested in seeing or dating anyone else at the moment. And she hasn't really shown any signs of an affair or anything like that. But with her in the house alone it makes it easier... Should I worry about this? I guess I have no control over this aspect. I guess this is my insecurity and is also an issue I am trying to work on. It is just difficult to keep my mind from wandering in this horrible situation.
I'm about halfway through DB and have DR on order. Any time I have an urge to contact her (all the time) I reread the 37 rules, the 180 and the LRT to help myself resist. Still working out, eating right and trying to hang out with friends as much as I can. Trying to stay positive when I don't see a light.
She unexpectedly texted me saying she would like to come over and talk tonight. My only goal is to stay calm and level headed. And to not say anything that I will come to regret. All of our previous talks have been her saying it will not work out and we should just be friends and go on our merry ways. So I won't be putting too much hope into this.
Got the call from a mediator asking to confirm if I will cooperate with them mediating our legal separation (I agreed). So she is going full steam ahead on the legal separation. I feel as though a chapter of my life is being brought to an abrupt and violent end. I knew it was coming but I guess on the inside I just really wished that it wouldn't; that she would reconsider. We've hashed out our finances in detail so hopefully it wont take too long. The rates for mediation are quite expensive.
Quick chat with her and she said she doesn't see us working out anymore so she is calling it. "Incompatible." No input on my end needed or wanted.
Feels really empty inside; any hope I had of us reconciling is almost non existent now. At the moment I just don't feel like I have any fight left. Today was our 13th anniversary. I can only laugh at the timing. These days when I go to sleep I joke and think that if I don't wake up I would probably be OK with it.
often they are having an affair. Please do not do anything to mark the anniversary. It is not appropriate under the circumstances. Read sandi's rules. No gifts is one of them. Also, get your own lawyer to represent you at mediation if you are concerned about the finances. Sounds like you are being more than accommodating. Don't get steamrolled. Take care of yourself first, because that's the ONLY thing you can do in this situation. Pull away from her. Do not initiate contact. Be courteous when you speak with her when it is required, but that is all.
My rule: Don't ask, don't tell. Don't ask her how she feels about the relationship or what she's doing. You won't get a satisfactory answer, and you'll just stew on the nonsense she feeds you for the rest of the week. Don't tell her what you're thinking or feeling. Listen and validate whatever she offers, but that's it.
Good luck!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Sorry to see your going though this. Everything your feeling is definitely normal and something we all have felt. Read sandi's 37 rules over and over again. Read DB and DR. these are the basics here and although it seems like a broken record its said over and over for a reason. There is alot of good advice here as well as support among those dealing with the same thing. My only advice is to take the vets advice seriously and to work through this for yourself not to "win" anyone back. Its easier said then done but its a must.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
Thank you for the tips and kind words. I definitely needed and appreciate them (even if I have read them in many of the other sitches).
I agree on reading the 37 rules daily and have felt that my actions and mood were better on days that I reminded myself of them. I am 50% through DB and hoping to finish it up tonight with DR on my desk in the que. Right now I don't feel so hopeless as when I posted earlier today, I guess love dies hard.
For me it is still difficult to improve my self just for myself. My efforts are still driven by a mixture of self improvement and the slight hope of getting her back. I think once I can work on myself solely for myself I will be more detached and optimally prepared for what may come (divorce or otherwise). Its not a broken record by the way, I've read it so many times yet there is the natural urge to revert and slip "backwards". So every time I see it, it is a useful reminder to me.
Like many of us here. It looks like it will be a long and hard battle.
