Yes!!!! So tragic and true. That is what happened to my ex-fiance. No clue what lasting committed love entails or how to communicate. All was great until the bomb drop Wish I knew that before it was too late and could have helped to fix it.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
Those are valid fears Card many that I know I myself have and im sure others too. Your thoughts on the clarity and although needed the fear that you have this knowledge and cannot use it the way it should be or have known it before can drive you crazy. I am trying to work and using it for future. That this knowledge even if it doesnt help my marriage will help me be a better person. that will help me as a F and any othr relationship rather friends, family, wife, or future relationship.
I agree with Mr Bond the someone else being a neutral C would be a good thing. I have already spoken to counselors even over the phone and have set up a regular IC sessions for a lifetime commitment of working on things.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
Card, do you realize you have now lost 20 hours and a day of work over something your wife said that she might do sometime in the future?
She isn't dating yet. She doesn't yet have an OM. She just said it was something she might do in the future. Don't lose your s$&t over what might happen in the future.
You are losing track of the here and now. Don't get ahead of yourself, there's enough to take care of in the present moment.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I appreciate the direct words, Maybell. Just her being open to it is cutting me really deep. I came home and had a good cry, then my thoughts started going into the details of what the dating might entail. My god I can't go there with my thoughts.
I am canceling the PI tomorrow (who I haven't talked to since I hired him). I still don't regret hiring him because it allowed me to stop worrying and start focusing on myself. Now that she has openly stated her intentions, I see nothing productive that can come from that anymore. Confirm that she is on a date? No thanks
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
"Your old M is dead. There is no guarantee of a new one with WAW. Your M is only a piece of paper at this point."
Is this the healthiest mentality for me to seek? If I see her as my W openly running around with OM, I am not going to function.
P.S. - I was actually able to get a few things done at work. Got 6 hours in. Saved a vacation day. I have a full week left for the rest of the year. No idea what I'm going to do with that week seeing that all of my family is in town, and I won't be joining WAW on her Thanksgiving or Christmas trips to her out of town family.
Last edited by Card29; 10/22/1412:11 AM.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Card, I say this with all goodwill. You have got to stop thinking about OM. It hasn't even happened. You are poisoning your brain for no reason.
I am not a shining example of anything at all, but I've known about OW since BD six months ago. I have not brought it up a single time and have not given the duck more than 30 min thought. I simply do not have to time to spend on her kind. And I have no intention of polluting my brain with images that would make it more difficult for me to forgive H. Whether we R or not.
You need to find a way to stop those thoughts before they take you down a dark path.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I agree. I thought I had done a lot of work, but this is like a 2nd BD and almost feels like a DB reset. So far to go. But you are right. I absolutely can't think of it. That will be a very new challenge, though. Now that she's open about the possibility, I have to stop thinking about her. I was happy and detached until the moment she told me this. But that was a minor detachment and minor worldview reset compared to what I need to do now. I was still motivating myself with the hope that "this is temporary" and imagining a beautiful future. I had no expectations for timeframe and was prepared for a very long, patient road. Not sure if that should be my mindset now.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Now that she's open about the possibility, I have to stop thinking about her.
Missed the edit window. Should have said "I have to stop thinking about her as my W". We don't live together, I only see her once a week, and that's sometimes only for 10 seconds, I can't kiss her or tell her I love her. I am married without a W, if that makes sense. I will not be pursuing an R outside of this M, regardless of what she does, until a D is filed and sufficient time has passed.
Thinking out loud here.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
