Wife in denied but ongoing affair, what to do???

[blndsid]

Re-reading that post, my first email reply regarding lying and sneaking was said in a way to suggest we both were lying and sneaking around each other. Just to be clear, I suck too. Maybe my email wasn't clear either. I should have just said "thanks".

[blndsid]

Well, she's off for her fantasy week away from home. I'm staying busy with work, then the boys. Tomorrow I'm meeting another lawyer in the morning followed by a meeting with pastor.

No snooping and starting what I hope is a real detach with her out of the house. She called to talk to boys and we had a basic conversation. She text a few times during the day, no doubt some were lies. I just replied to a couple of them. Left the rest with no reply. As we hung up just a "good night". No ILY or "sleep well, sweet dreams". That use to be what'd we'd say everynight, starting when we dated long distance 11 yrs ago. Now she ends her nightly emails to him with it (not the ILY part, not that I've seen anyhow), so I never say more than goodnight anymore. Also took walk with boys after dinner.

Anyhow, mom is watching boys tonight so I can go out for trivia night at a bar with some friends. W asked so I told her I was going out. I'm sure she has plans, but I don't care. Maybe I can meet a nice girl this evening. There's always a very slight chance.

[blndsid]

Last night I went out and did a bad thing. I had a few drinks with a couple old friends. One of whom is a female, who owns the bar, and just celebrated her 20th anniversary and thus I've known her about that long. We talked and got onto how about 7 years ago her husband had a MLC of sorts including an affair during a time she was suffering from depression. Somehow they made it through. I of course bring up my story. She's known me since a teenager so she was crushed to hear the news, especially knowing the pain herself. She also knows my wife, since she is a family friend.

Well, several drinks later she decides, on her own, to drunk dial my wife in Chicago. Yeah. I didn't hear what she said, but a few minutes later I get a ticked off text from my W. It went: "Are you F'ing kidding me? Why the hell are you giving someone my number to call me? You want to go home with her, go ahead."

I was NOT happy my friend did that, but now I have a text I had to reply to. 25 minutes later I sent: "I'm not sure what happened. I left my phone on the bar to hit the bathroom and came back to this. Not sure what was said but it wasn't sent from me. Not something I would have done."

45 minutes later, W reply: "Whatever f'ing girl you are with calling me and leaving a message... "

5 minutes later I sent: "It was apparently (the friend). Was at (the bar) and we talked too much about her and (her H), and then us. I'm not after anyone else and I sure as hell didn't ask for something like this. She apologized, but too little too late."

That was it, so I have no idea what the W thinks about it at this point. Clearly shouldn't have confided in this friend, but she's not really a close friend as in definitely not someone my W would normally talk to. Did not figure on the drunk dial though. Note to self, SHUT UP. even though I need all the advice I can get.

W did replied to my text this morning, telling her the kids were good and made it to school. She thanked me for the update and said she was off to work. I told her good luck and she said thanks. So, no idea how she's taking it. I guess she can be mad I talked to a close friend of mine, but I can't stop drunk dials, right? W has the OM to talk to, but if I talk to a friend I'm an a-hole.

On the other hand, it did give her about an hour to think of me with another woman. Or she just had sex with the OM between texts. No telling.

[MrBond]

You should have apologized to her for it happening. Then tell your friend that while you appreciate her concern for you, that you want to handle this on your own.

[blndsid]

Went to see another ATTY today. Since W has set up an appointment to see an ATTY too I am thinking I should go ahead and file first.

W has been ticked off lately, before last night, about how I keep finding her hidden affair. She shows no signs of stopping, and only tries to hide it better. Last Friday she was sending the texts to OM1 and OM2 as mentioned before. Said she made them to be as awful as possible to hurt me if I was reading the texts (I wasn't). She quit going to counseling, saying she was never asked what time worked for her. Mind you, one session I went to that she skipped, she made time to get out and go shopping with her mom. That's dedication.

It was my now final snoop where I found she was changing OM hotel rooms so he'd look like he was flying in Wednesday, then saw the email where she changed it back to Tuesday. I'm not hacking or anything, very easy way to snoop that she has never thought about. Anyhow, she showed me his room change to Wednesday as proof he changed his flight. I checked his itinerary and it showed he'd printed his boarding pass for Tuesday. I told her I have that info, but she's out of her mind.

Anyhow, it was during this final snoop where I saw an email where she scheduled the appointment next week. I had scheduled for this week but cancelled after our talk Monday, but knowing she has the appointment I went there today anyhow. All these things add up to me that she doesn't want to work on the marriage but instead she just gets mad that I call her on the lies.

Considering everything I think I am going to call them to file this Friday, while she is still gone. Not sure how she'll react, and I still hope to save the marriage, but I can't sit by and get beat to death either, right? I would explain the D could be delayed if she went to regular counseling, scheduled by her of course. But that would be forcing her to go, and I don't know if that would work or help. Thoughts please?

[blndsid]

Thanks Mrbond. I was going to apologize when she called to talk to the boys tonight or tomorrow. Tired of having texts/emails taken out of context, even though a simple sorry could suffice.

I chewed her pretty good last night when I figured things out. My friend today is very apologetic, and she knows it wasn't a good move, but I'll forgive her and let it go, cause that's what I do.

[blndsid]

Survived another night with W at her conference with OM. Slept most of the night but did wake up for an hour or so around 3 or 4 this AM, but fell back asleep. Thoughts then were mostly on the D decision. No pills or booze to assist, just good old fashioned exhaustion. Detaching has been an issue with her here and acting as though she's ended the A. I've stopped snooping and that is a great relief that I hope will continue to heal. My hope for this week was to get my mind wrapped around letting my old W go.

I've confronted her 3 times regarding the A and all three times she says she ended it that night. I find that odd. I don't expect her to tell the truth, but she could say nothing about it the next day and at least not lie about it. I would rather be in a position where we both know it's going on, but leave it at that and not discuss or dwell on it.

Each time that I work to detach she seems annoyed that I treat her like the A is on going, which we both know to be the case, except she thinks I should act as if I believe her lies and be warm to her. She gets offended that I don't believe her. I guess the lies show signs of guilt, which could be a good thing, but then she doubles down on trying to hide the A better.

From here on out I don't intend to focus on the A, I know that has been a poison in my soul I have to let go. However, I refuse to live in an open marriage and I wonder where that line will be when I say this has gone on long enough. I'm already tired of being in limbo, if she wants out she's free to leave. It might even be a relief.

[blndsid]

Still back and forth on the D filing decision. I want to work on things but I also think it would get her attention and make her realize I'm serious about not living in an open marriage. Not sure how else you hold that boundary without some sort of act of defiance. Confronting her about the A obviously doesn't work. It just makes her angry and more spiteful. D filing might do the same, I guess, but I bet it would shake up the fantasy world she is living in now. I also like that it would theoretically allow me to control the pace of the proceedings. I'd delay it if she showed signs of actually wanting to work on the M, instead of working on how to hide the A better.

I know I need to work on me and that's what I'll re-visit. I know I could be more patient with the boys, and I made a conscious effort to address that starting this week. I also need to show more confidence around the house. I think ending the snooping and dwelling on the A will help out with that.

[blndsid]

In the last day and a half a few things have happened, but nothing major on the W front. I've stayed busy with odds and ends work. No snooping, so that is good. Got call from W yesterday that school called and S5 was sick and needed to be picked up. Luckily the deadbeat dad was at home and could do that (lingering bitterness, trying to release). He has a sore throat that I now know is pharyngitis.

I woke up about 2:00 am this morning and a few minutes later S5 came in my room. He threw up a few times in our trash can, but then settled down and kept down his juice and then meds. We just sat there and talked for a while, about hard times like being sick and how he needs to learn to take deep breaths. Listened to a few songs and he decided to go back to bed about 4:00. Got up at 6:30 and have been going ever since. It was nice to just talk to him. He's very bright and remembers everything I say to a fault. Smarter than I was at that age, though I didn't talk until I was 5, funny enough.

Minimal contact with W except about the boys. I did get a call last night to set up a j-o-b interview next week. It is more of an entry level job, pays about what I make working part time but would be full time with benefits. I work with the agency now as part of my consulting work, so I figure I am a shoe-in, but I won't count that chick 'til it hatches. I know they promote from within and they will have an increased budget for employees and managers once the project I am working on is finished and bought by them. Snuck the news into a text about the boys. Wife said it was "awesome" and asked when the interview was.

Otherwise, I met with a good friend of my dad for lunch today, really his best friend and my godfather, to discuss the D options. I'm currently leaning away from doing it right now, as the only reason to do it NOW would be to preempt her, and I don't know what she'll do next week. Talked to a lawyer friend and he felt filing first had advantages, but said in my situation it was minimal in the big scheme. However, he did say I should be ready for some really nasty things to be said/made up about me. The wife doesn't have much of anything on me, so he figures they will throw the kitchen sink and all at me in vague terms. I have nothing to hide, so whatever. I have been a little bummed this evening, and hope I can keep a PMA when the W gets back.

Anyhow, W didn't call to talk to the boys tonight but her brother is with her in Chicago tonight and tomorrow. Good for her. I'm still reviewing things in DB book and reading other related threads to think on the D decision. I'm going to make a list of reasons for and against and see what that looks like. I never thought I'd be to this point in my life. Damn it all.

[blndsid]

The job thing has, to me, been the real underlying problem (or trigger) in our R problems. She perceived my leaving a job last October as me quitting, but it was precipitated from a joint decision we'd made earlier that year. I've mentioned this before, but it is really what I believe to have been the moment that began to unravel the very fabric of our R. She has mentioned it multiple times, how I didn't take her concerns seriously and ruined her way of life. This year I'll make 60% of last year. Apparently that 25,000 was all that stood between me and marital disaster. Sad really.

Perception is reality, that's what I've learned from that. However, WE turned down a general manager position for me in 2013 because I already spent too much time away from kids and home. And at that point W had been promoted to make about the same amount I would have made as the GM. The amount we'd decided was enough to survive on one paycheck, back when she wanted to quit and stay home with kids. As WE made that decision I told my wife, if I turn down this position, the one he hired me to fill, it would not surprise me if he lets me go right then. She accepted that fact, so I turned it down and he kept me in sales, for a while.

Jump forward 3 months, and the boss running me off for not taking the offered GM position (as was his style, instead of firing and paying unemployment), had a discussion with me in June, two actually, where we discussed my future and how/when I'd leave the company. He asked if I would stay until January 1 as he looked for a replacement, I said I'd had enough and would prefer October 1. This was me quitting, because I left 3 months earlier than he offered. And I could see it perceived that way by her, but I had seen him do this stuff to other employees and was tired of his tactics. Even after all that, he told me I just needed to leave at the end of August, and he paid through October. So I was destined to be run off. During that time I started my consulting business, which admittedly started slow. She did come to me and express concerns at that point, and I felt she had a negative attitude I didn't need at the time, but I took a step back and agreed I should be sending out resumes, starting that December, while I continued to work the new business.

Of course, working part time makes me the primary caregiver of the kids regarding appointments, swim lessons, and such. Happy to do it. But I think she sees the instability as a weakness that I bring to the marriage. After December she didn't come to me with her concerns, she turned to MIL, BFF, and of course her co-workers/OM1.

She had always been one who did our budget (until recently) and craves a direct deposited check on regular intervals. Consulting jobs leave you by the mail box hoping it comes in. I have turned down a full time job that paid less than I'm making now, working part time, that she wanted me to take. It's that kind of mindset I am dealing with. She'd apparently rather have less income but have it stable, than more income and hope the checks come in time. I don't understand, but I truly feel this difference in perception is a block for her. I'm to the point that I'll take a full time job making what I make now just to stabilize my world. I know I will move up, with my new attitude to the world I intend to run whichever company hires me within 5 years. I never intend to ever rely on anyone else, ever. I thought my W could handle that load as I got things going this year, but I was very wrong. Either I took her for granted (her view), or thought she was tougher than she was (my view). NEVER AGAIN. Whether with her or anyone else, I will control that part of my life.