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#2499095 10/21/14 03:35 PM
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elltee2 Offline OP
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My wife and I were married in February of 2014. We wanted all of the same things in life; kids, a house, dogs and agreed that divorce simply wasn't an option. She was very steadfast in her belief that married couples need to work their problems out.

In the last 6 months she has been laid off and rehired, we bought a house and got a dog. At first she was so excited about our house and dog. But that all changed. I figured that she was just stressed out about all of our transitions in life.

In August we went away on an 8 day trip that I insisted was ill timed. We took the vacation because she insisted. While we were there I let her know that it was nice and I enjoy spending time with her, but next year maybe we should just do 4 or 5 days. I felt so trapped on the resort when we should have been home, getting used to our new home and training our new puppy. She got really upset saying that next year she wanted 2 weeks instead and how I'm no fun.

Anyway once we returned, she stopped helping around the house. She leaves for work before I do and gets home for work an hour or two after me. She makes about 1/2 as much and has very few of our bills to pay. When she comes home on weekdays or wakes up on weekends she immediately starts drinking on the couch and watches TV all day. She said that the house and dog are overwhelming and she just wants to go out more and have fun.

A few weeks ago I told her things aren't going so well for either one of us and we should probably work on things. Doing all of the housework and paying all of the bills makes me feel tired, alone and frustrated so we annoy each other and there has to be a better way for us to handle it. She just replied that she doesn't think we are right for each other and doesn't know if she wants to work things out or get a divorce. I was stunned because there was no abuse or cheating (that I'm aware of). However, my mother had commented many times that she is always on her phone and started deleting photos of us from her social media.

Since our discussion she has stated repeatedly that she doesn't want to discuss our issues, and if I need to file for divorce to keep myself sane then I should. Every night she comes home and invites me to spend time with her, but she's always on her phone. We sleep in separate rooms and don't have sex. She is also gone all weekend every weekend even though I invite her to go out with my friends and me. I also got a call last week that she missed 2 of my car payments and my car can get repossessed so she is also neglecting her financial responsibilities.

I don't know what to do. She refuses to talk to me about anything, and keeps wanting to hang out in the house saying "we are just friends." Although she has really been a terrible partner recently, gained a lot of weight and lost her positive attitude, I still want to work through things because we made a promise. But all my friends and family think she is taking advantage of me financially so she can live in a big house and do whatever she wants.

I'm sure I've done things wrong. I'm too exhausted from everything to stay out late with her on weekends like she usually wants to. I have probably emotionally neglected her, but even when I try to ask her what she needs and how I can be what she needs she just refuses to open up. Even before the divorce talk. I don't know what to do.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Nov 2009
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How old are the two of you?

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2499182 10/21/14 06:32 PM
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elltee2 Offline OP
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Thank you so much for your reply. I've read a bit about runaway wife and think she may fit the bill. Wish there was something I could do, though.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
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Hi,
I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach. There is much that can be done because it isn't too late! Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Cristy #2499211 10/21/14 07:24 PM
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elltee, that is a short period between marriage and where you are now. Detach and work on yourself. Don't focus on her and her issues, because you won't be able to resolve them or convince her in the error of her ways. If she comes around, so be it. If not, count your blessings that at least you weren't coming to this conclusion with her twenty years down the line. You are young and have years of joy, and possible other partners, awaiting you. Take care of yourself and you will be fine.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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Elltee, I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope things get better for you. It sounds a bit like you both had an image of what M would be like for you and the reality is not the same. I can relate to that from several years ago.

It sounds like this is still fresh but you are very focused on what she has done and is doing wrong. What if anything do you feel like you did to contribute to the problem? I'm not an expert and don't know enough of your sitch to speak on much but some of what I picked up from your intro sounds like she may have been trying to communicate her needs with this vacation conversation and you were invalidating her communicating. I believe I did this a lot in the past too so I can relate but not sure you are considering.

With DB you need to focus on you and what you can do with yourself to better you. What your W is up to and how she needs to change will be up to her. Did you read DB yet? Have you thought about 180's?


M: 43 W: 43
Married 6 yrs.
T: 7 yrs.
Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10

Ahoy #2499216 10/21/14 07:42 PM
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elltee2 Offline OP
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Thanks, Ahoy. It's just hard because I've tried to be a supportive and understanding spouse. I have a great family and a large group of lifelong friends (10 best friends since kindergarden) so I'm not used to people who just give up and don't work together. Naively, I didn't really know people just...left so suddenly like that.

Last week she came home from a weekend of radio silence sick. I made her soup and got her medicine from the store but tried to keep my distance while still making sure she is okay. We are still married until the decree, after all. It's hard to walk that fine line while shes living in the house...being distant but still making her feel safe. Especially since she sends such conflicting messages. She told me last week she doesn't want to have sex with me because we are "just friends", but then immediately started being overly affectionate and physically suggestive. I asked her what she was doing then she got mad at me for asking questions. I don't know if she's leading me on to take advantage of me, genuinely having a hard time, or just kinda nuts.

This week I'm upset with her because she's been exhibiting a lot of attention seeking behavior online. When she texted me Sunday what time she was coming home I decided to stay with my parents for the week because I didn't want to see her. As a result she is staying with a friend all week...even though she can stay in the house. I just don't get it.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
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elltee2 Offline OP
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Bunches, thank you for redirecting my thoughts. I did read DB and about the 180's. I started doing crossfit about a month ago try to to start looking a bit better and she has complimented me regularly on that which seems positive.

I know I definitely need to do more 180s and they are easy to come up with in terms of improving my physical appearance or developing fulfilling hobbies. But maybe my thoughts are too superficial and I need to find more meaningful ones that won't drive her away.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Ahoy #2499221 10/21/14 07:49 PM
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Sounds a lot like my sitch. How long were you together before getting M?

I don't want to give you bad news but there is likely someone else. At this point it very well just could be an EA that has concocted in her head.

What has she complained about in your M? You've done a lot of finger pointing at her, be brutally truthful with yourself what has she complained about you?


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
Hoju #2499229 10/21/14 08:01 PM
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elltee2 Offline OP
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I really think you are right-someone else or at least an EA is involved, but she won't admit to anything. She's usually very honest but...I don't believe her.

In terms of things I have done...there have certainly been a few. I have probably neglected her a bit emotionally. When things started feeling off, she was calling every night "date night" even if we were just sitting on the couch after work. It really bothered me because we weren't talking about our issues, and just calling everything date night. I tried to start a conversation a few times but didn't ask the right questions and got frustrated too easily. I should have made a kind gesture to make her feel emotionally comfortable enough to discuss what was going on with OM.

I also look to the future with a bit of reckless abandon. I'm in the National Guard and was considering a 2 month additional training course for my military career that would require I work away from home. She mentioned offhand she didn't like the idea, and I should have listened to her more and asked her more questions about it. Instead I got annoyed and said we needed the money and she can visit. It was insensitive.

In addition, I have a hard time getting along with her sister. That may be the biggest issue. I welcome her sister to visit our home whenever and she does pretty often. But when she visits she expects me to sleep someplace else in the house so she can share the bed with my wife, which I have always found very weird. The sister also walks around the house naked after I repeatedly asked her to stop...I found it inappropriate. She usually also brings really sketchy boyfriends with no money who I have to financially support all weekend which adds to my frustration. When I discussed it with my wife she told me to get over it. Maybe I should have, but at the very least I probably should have calmed down before I discussed the issue. I was overly critical.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
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