Going Down Hill

[zed]

I have been very hesitant of telling her that I did not want to move out. But I finally told her after the last conversation. She got very angry and asked why. I told her I was not leaving the kids. She got angrier, hit me. Sheasked me what the lawyer said and I told her that her said it was not in my best interests and that I talked to 2 C and after talking with them I felt that I was doing what I wanted. She yelled at me and called me a looser. She threated to call the cops. I said if you feel the need to. She said that she was going to call her lawyer and try to get me out of the house. I said if want this done so much you can leave. She said she would take the kids. I said no you would not. The kids time would be 50/50. She said that I was making this difficult. I asked her why...b/c I was not doing what you wanted. She said that the lawyer will get what she wants. I said if you want to spend a lot of money with the lawyer you can go ahead. Or we can talk and discuss nicely. She kept telling me to leave. I said I'm not leaving but I will go down stairs. So I went down stairs and played with the kids. Though-out this I tried to stay calm. There were times that I wanted to really fight back but, I think I did alright to supress the urge. I hate this right now. I love my W dearly, I want to just lay over and take it all. But everybody says that you will regret it. This is tough. Help and insite please!!!!!!

[Jefe]

I'm sorry, Zed. She sounds depressed. It will pass. Hang in there.

[zed]

So much for being calm...W got home from her mom's with the kids. We put the kids to sleep. I wanted to tell her that I was not going to be called a loser. I told her that I wanted to talk. She said she did not want to talk. I tried to talk over her and tell her what I wanted to say. Things got a little heated. I feel like this is it. It's over. There is nothing else I can do. All this and I just want her to see that maybe all the trouble with our marriage was probably some minor communication issues. She always said she said it was both of our fault the marriage failed. Now she says that this is not her decision to leave. It is a concequence of our poor marriage. I don't understand that at all? If she would just talk civil.

[zed]

Sometimes you get so involved in your own live that you don't realize that other people have the same or worse problem. That is why this site is great. You can read other peoples situations and realize that you are not alone, and there are a lot of people in the same situation. It somehow makes you feel better that we all have troubles and if someone else can get through it. Maybe I can as well?

[Mozza]

zed - This is a difficult situation, but there seems to be hope. You will just have to be patient.

As Jefe said, maybe she is depressed and going through a difficult phase. She doesn't seem to be thinking very clearly and gets upset when she loses control of the process. So far, except for tonight when you spoke over her, you've been handling things fairly well, I would say (I'm not a vet...). One of the principles of DB is "speak with your actions". Just by staying in the house, you refuse to be called a loser. No need to tell her that. Resist the urge to ask for validation from her by verbalizing.

It will get worse before it gets better. Expect that she will move out, remain very angry with you, try to build a new life and find some happiness in it before even reconsidering her decision. Don't be fooled by the glimmers of hope she'll give you along the way, like a nice attention here and there, a lunch or something like that. She'll remain steadfast. You have to be patient: the only way back to you is through her heart. She will have to miss you and love you again. This will take time. Think of those patients arriving at the ER where the doctors say "We have to wait for the swelling to go before we can operate". Your wife's emotions are swollen. You can't operate now. Just give her the space.

Knowing that it will take a few months, take this time to GAL and think. Your wife seems to have some issues, if she's hitting you and calling you a loser (these were big no-no in my R). Farther down the road, you might reconsider whether that's the kind of want you want in your life forever. I know you're not ready for this question now (neither am I) but set it aside for later consideration. Let's say you were not separated, but would get every second week off, what would you do with your time? It might help you to tink about it more clearly by framing it this way.

I really like this from Jefe:

You have to let her get to a place where she can look up and go: "Crap, how did I get here?" so she can see her own actions that led up to it. That'll never happen as long as you keep jumping in the middle and give her more reasons to blame you.

Exactly: let her do what she wants (after leaving the house, it seems!). Do not take responsibility for any of her actions. Do not advise her or help her out. She's looking for ways to blame you. She's also looking for freedom. Get out of the way, it will do you no good to insert yourself. She'll find her own apartment, she'll find a way to get the kids, etc. She has to live with the consequences of her decision.

I feel like I'm speaking way too much for a newbie. And you have sandi2 on your board, lucky you. 11 000 posts of experience. Enjoy!

[zed]

Thx mozza. You have lots of wisdom for a newbie. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

[zed]

So today I'm feeling bad. I'm pretty sure that I didn't do too much wrong other then raising my voice and trying to talk over her. Should have stayed calm. But now I feel the need to try to smooth things over. I'm thinking of sending a email like this" Sorry you feel that I'm making this difficult. I wish I felt the same way as you. That would make this so much easier. But I'm here if you want to talk." What does anyone think. Send it or just wait for her to make the first move. And if she does make the first move should I tell her that I won't talk until she apologizes for yelling, hitting and calling me loser. We will only talk if you can discuss in a civilized manner? Any help would be appreciated
Thanks

[Hoju]

The advice I've received and seen passed around on the boards would be not to initiate contact or try and fix your mistake. I believe it's also covered in the DR book but can't recall 100%.

When she does initiate contact I don't think you should force her to apologize first. If you want it might be a good time to establish some boundaries that hitting and name calling are unacceptable.

You've gotta stop trying to talk over her, remember she does not give a s*** about what you have to say or how you feel, you are there only to listen and validate.

[Mozza]

Forget about asking for an apology. You need to reframe your perception of the power relationship between the two of you. She has you pinned to the ground with the cold tip of a gun to your head. You don't get to ask for an apology. You don't get to ask for anything. Not even to offer something like help or talk. She's in complete control and that's exactly how she wants it. All you can do is validate her. You have to accept her point of view on everything, or at least show her that you do. You don't want that gun to go off because she gets angry.

[zed]

Thx everybody. What are your thoughts then for ongoing conversations. We still live together for now. Yesturday she tried to make small talk like nothing happened. I did not initiate any talk. Should I try to avoid conversation unless she initiates it? Or up to the last fight I would always say good night and hi when I got home from work. Should I continue with that to show that I'm the bigger person.