Edz - continuing to move forward

[edz]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate your input and your thoughts.

CMS I agree, MIL has had a hand in this from the begining, dont know if you read my first thread about the postal redirect but thats not my W, thats a MIL plan. She's a schemer and she decides if you wont play her game you are a target, sounds mean I know but its her.

Jim, cant say I understand anything that W is coming up with at the moment, one minute the "space" is to allow her to get away from being controlled the next its because she wants to work on our M but she wants to decide if she's trying to get away from MIL or because she wants back in. Its enough to make a calm person baffled let alone someone with their heart in bits.

Ultimately I agree it boils down to my goals, what are they? They are to rebuild and strengthen my relationship with my Son and if even feasable to reconcile with W. Neither is served by staying both by moving, so, even if Im playing W / MILs game, moving it is.

Again, thanks all, you are all in my thoughts as well.

[edz]

More journalling really.

Spent a chunk of the weekend "driving by" potential places. Nothing really looks great, only comment from W was to say I had previously said you cant always get what you want, which is true but I was talking about properties when we were discussing renting at twice the amount we could afford before this year of hell started. Didnt respond just let it go.

Feeling flattened right now, Im digging down to get some reserves but between work, this bug I had and all thats going on here Im feeling emotionally and physically exhausted.

Been working like a banshee on 180s and GAL (as much as Ive been able to while sick) but I just cant envision my life without W on a long term basis, thats something I really need to work on as theres no way I can let myself expect that to happen, W still says she just wants space and is still considering coming back, I cant see it as she's been away 3 months now, why would being back in the apartment change that?

Need to get more direction sorted, when I get down I try to think about what happyness looks like to me, of course ideally my family together and working on a happy relationship but what if thats not feasable? I know I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life, there's no question of dating or anything along those lines right now, even if W said it was the end of the road I'm not ready and anything I entered into would likely be a disaster.

My relation with S is good but I cant work more on the "Dad" side of it until he's staying over, commented on that to death but W aknowledged the issues arent with me there.

I know I've made good progress on my relationship with me but the lonliness aspect is causing me problems right now, I think its feeling so close to something changing but so far away. The UK is also starting the ramp up to the holidays with family stuff everywhere and me out and about or sat at home alone, W is also firing over suggestions for Christmas including swapping S part way through Christmas Day with W having him Christmas Eve and me on Boxing Day. I dont want him to feel "juggled" and the while I am delighted at the thought of seeing him on the day the thought of Christmas Day without W (our first apart in 15 years) causes a feel of panic that I need to quickly back away from.

Cant help feeling that what I do, say or become just doesnt matter right now. I know all those changes are for me this is not a case of changing to impress - I also know I had issues with codependence which is a 180 thats difficult for me to deal with, but this knowledge although it helps with GAL and tuning my 180s does nothing to stop me feeling completely abandoned in the empty evenings, my hope is that aftermoving I will get S more and wont be alone so much (this is after GAL activities, I can keep myself occupied in the day and up to the evening) and so kick that mind set into touch.

So suppose must get moving on moving....

[edz]

Feels like there should be an assertively stated boundary in there but not entirely sure of the best way to say it.

Just while I remember I did put this into practice. In conversation when W was saying maybe I should just go for this first place Im seeing tonight I replied with something along the lines of

I'm going to see it, if it fits my needs and will be good for (S) then I'll see if I can do it. I'll let you know what my decision is.

I'm in no way convinced she's really going to take notice of boundries as she just expects her mother and her will get their way on this. But the good news in that (which I realised last night) is any two month notice restriction in the agreement is pretty much meaningless meaning if I find the right place I can move now not have to pay two more months and try to synchronise moving. One - very small - bit of good news from the weekend.

[edz]

And another update, saw the house this evening road its in is a little cramped but offroad parking and nice inside (or will be when the current tenant takes their stuff out) so paid the fees, so now on a countdown to december 6th to move, not sure how to feel about that.

[jim0987]

Sounds good. Congrats on the house

Also sounds (to my limited knowledge) like you handled that conversation with your wife really well.

[South74]

Edz
Good news on finding a place so quickly .

You should look at it as a new start for your S and yourself and then possibly your W

South

[CMS]

congrats on finding the place. Its a step forward either way and maybe it will allow more room for DB and the new you to take place. I know there will be lots of different emotions as they day approaches but know that your not alone.

My latest mantra is "this too shall pass."

[edz]

Many thanks all. Ironically one of my 180s is trying NOT to be the Mr Fixit on everything, in these cases its handy though! Ran through 25ish properties, saw about 5 in person before seeing the house (been trying to get into it since last Tuesday as suspected it would be first in rents it)

Thanks for the comments on the conversation with W, interesting that I didn't feel it was difficult to say. As I said no idea if it made any difference as I did end up going for it anyway but I feel it was my decision which is good.

Took S for Pizza tonight and W came along, we had a very brief chat about moving and who's taking what. I'd been dreading it as its another "end point" but it didn't feel that way. While S sorted his ice cream and various dink refils we did chat about Christmas and possible options - too early to decide I think.

We did briefly touch upon our future, I've said all along that if she wanted to part I dont want it, I dont agree but I cant stop her and would rather work on it. If she does go down that route I will be civil and will always work for the best of our S but I cant be buddies it would just be too painful and she appreciates that. I will, however, never be adversarial it doesnt help anyone and I never want S to be in the line of fire. I said that I'm doing what I need to do and she's doing the same, I want us to work on things together and if she decides thats what she wants she knows where I will be.

After that there's not much I can really do. In another thread I read that you can be the lighthouse but not the tug boat, I like that, I'm sad about where I find my M, I'm lonely right now but I have a vague path to follow, a lot of challenges not to mention financial hills to climb and a long way to go to be the Dad I want to be. I'd also love to work on building a new relationship within my marriage but thats not just my decision and I can only hope my W gets to the point of deciding thats what she wants during her space to think.

For now, thanks for all the input guys, lets hope we all get where we want, or at least need, to go.

[edz]

Well, a dull day by yesterdays standards. Work (from home as my desk at the office is in use by someone who needs a hot desk) and cooking dinner. briefly sat on by both cats and now breaking bad continuing. This bug has nearly gone at which point I'll thankfully be able to get back to swimming which will be great. Was planning on some walking after work but the weather was god awful.

Friday, Saturday and Sunday will be busy with the delayed card meeting I promised my son from last week, begining the loooooong packing task (anything my Ws not keeping I've got to get packed up and out of the garage / dumped and ready) and swimming on sunday.

Brief hiatus on feeling low yesterday with positive action but today is a bit back in the dumps after the busyness of work in the day. Not overdramatising the situation Im not bawling my eyes out, just feeling empty and low again.



As I said, dull.

[edz]

Self indulgent journalling again, sorry!

Lousy, lousy night. The weather was very windy and it sounded like tiles were going to get removed at times. Everything was weighing heavilly on me as well, by 3am gave up and carried on and finished my breaking bad marathon (didnt like season 5 particularly but 1-4 were great, definitely should have stopped there). Eventually dropped off at 4:30 ish and then up again around 7 never mind shower and coffee would have liked a shower of coffee but eventually got going.

Been working on my envisioning over the past couple of days to try to lift myself out of a negative spiral. What does a happy life look like to me (mentioned this a few posts ago) still find myself feeling empty and missing the companionship of my W and S, even with GAL life seems empty and I felt like a lot of my reasons to plug away at a job I dont like very much arent there, yes I have bills to pay and debts (boy do I have those now) but I caught myself feeling so what, give up, doesnt matter really as no one cares. Tried to act quickly to squash that line of thought with thinking of the way life can change so quickly. Just the other day W and S and I sat down and had pizza and enjoyed each others company, less than 3 months ago W was sending me dour, cold emailed letters telling me all the reasons our marriage ended.

She isnt sending me divorce papers, she still says she's thinking about rebuilding (although as I've said I struggle to believe that she will do so and still feel manipulated somewhat), my relationship with my S is getting better and stronger and when we talk its generally positive.

But, but..

I'm impatient, I miss her, I miss him. I want to show her these changes that she and he both have commented on arent for show but are making me a better person and wont be undone and I want to do that with them as a family. I want them to be here and to move into a new home, a new start, with me. I want..... too much, too soon.

I recognise all this, I know it just wont happen, W is busy with S's HE and although she has some space this week (MIL/FIL are away - how I wish they wouldnt return) its not going to make a difference this week, the doorbell wont ring and be them ready to move back in. Maybe, maybe we'll spend some time together at Christmas (W was hinting on something more than just passing S over on Christmas Day) but I'm not putting any hopes on that (dont believe anything said, half of whats done).

Even when Im busy working (which is difficult right now as Im not focussed) or at the swimming pool (which Im really missing with this virus) or on the miriad of things connected with trying to move etc I still feel almost hollow.

So the envisioning. What will happiness look like to me in 3/6/12 months? A new home will be a good start, I want it to be warm and welcoming (or as much as I can make it in the financial situation Im in) I want S to be around and part of that home as much as he can be and I hope to not be alone this time next year. Right now I hope against all hope that this will mean W is working with me on our R and marriage. Its a long time away and yet around the corner.

I was reading about the stages of acceptance and I do firmly feel like Im in depression right now, the anger and bargaining are gone (at least for now) again, I'm being as smart as I can and trying to book another counseling session for myself. I hope that restarting exercise this weekend will also help but for now venting on here also seems to lessen the pressure somewhat.

Thanks All