I've been thinking more about the Brene Brown talk. I do not think I am whole-hearted now. I had some shame before BD (especially about porn) that kept me from connecting to my W. I slept on the couch every night that I viewed it, and that led to a continuous habit of sleeping on the couch. So I had that shame and disconnect while we were together.
But for the first time, I really do feel unworthy of love. It's partially my regret, and partially the rejection by my W and best friend. It has cut me in half as a person. Sometimes I even have trouble connecting with my D2 now. In my brain, I know that I made mistakes but her leaving me is more a symptom of her. She told me Monday that "I still love you" (in context, she meant "as a person" or whatever). There isn't a single person on her side or mine judging me for my failure as a H. Everyone tells me I deserve to be loved. But all of the words and books in the world are outweighed by the actions of WAW. We were really the only close friend either one of us had (we had a friend exodus a couple of years ago...all of our best friends from our church dispersed across the country to plant churches).
Maybe it's just this phase after the "2nd BD" I got earlier this week. I was feeling great for the last couple of weeks before that, and was having a ball with D2. I am definitely handling this BD better than I did with the original one in June/July. I'm sleeping decently, I have an appetite, and I'm not miserable ALL of the time (maybe 80%) like I was over that month in the summer. So I'm hoping I adjust quickly and really let go of the rope. I have been DBing decently, I thought, but after Wonka gave me the explanation for what "drop the rope" really meant (letting go of the rope that's attached to WAS so that their actions have no effect on me), I realized that I still was emotionally tied to what she was doing. Of course I will be hurt if I someday find out about OM, but in the meantime, I don't have to fear the possibility if I can truly let go.
But that's easier said than done.
I really wish I could walk this journey with some of you in real life (not that this message board isn't real...you know what I mean). I love my family and all, but you guys say what I really need to hear. Wish we could GAL together! I understand why this place needs to be anonymous, though.
Last edited by Card29; 10/23/1401:23 PM.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I just cancelled the PI. He said I can "turn the case back on" anytime I want, but I have no plans to do that. Can't really imagine a scenario when I would do that. Rope slipping a little more out of my hand.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Hey Card, been reading up on your sitch. Just hang in there. It isn't over until its over. Keep fighting the good fight. If you think your W and M is worth it, then you know what you will need to do. Work on yourself, build up your self-esteem so that you can be confident that no matter what happens, you will be fine.
I'm trying really hard to do this in my own sitch but like you said, its tough. Easier said than done. You just have to believe in yourself and feel good that dropping the rope will help you heal.
Me:31 W:28 No Kids T:14 M:8 BD:09/24/14 Separation 09/25/14
Thanks, friend. I am trying to protect myself, improve myself, and do the best things I can do for our M (which is frequently the opposite of what I want to do these days).
I'm about to head out for the weekend, visiting in-laws (ironically) and my cousin. My cousin is a pro rodeo announcer and I've never seen him announce (nor have I been to a rodeo). D2 is going win me. Should be interesting!
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
sounds like some good GAL. praying for you bro. i can empathize with the seeming waves of pain and dsepondancy. just know you have a lot of folks in your corner!!
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
"I should have no problem going back to not telling her how I feel."
That's not the point. Telling her how you feel is okay to a degree. But if it's done in the context of trying to influence her decisions, then it won't help.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
4 hr drive with D2 went about as well as I could hope. Had dinner with SIL, BIL, MIL, SIL's S10 and MIL's BF. I love these people and they love me. Really hope they're my family for life. I guess they always will be to some extent, but it would certainly be different. Anyway, I have an excuse to sleep with D2 (we're strict about keeping her in her bed, but we're staying with SIL/BIL, so we're sleeping in the only spare bed together), I had a great night with in-laws, I don't have to wake up early tomorrow (please sleep in, D2....), so I am very happy at the moment
Such a relief from the misery earlier this week.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
The loss of extended families is a concern of mine as well. Stay strong.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
