Card29 V

[Card29]

I do love music. I've played piano since I was 11. Didn't play for a while in my 20's but I picked it back up a couple of years ago. I'm also play a very rough guitar. Not a bad idea. I think I need something a little more social or group oriented. Thinking of a cooking class

[Maybell]

Performance based schools also will put you together with bands (that's how my friend's son formed his) but a cooking class is a great idea too.

[Card29]

I've been thinking of a cooking class because it would be social and useful since I'm doing all of my cooking now.

[Card29]

Just talked to a guy at work about my sitch. Told him about the dating thing. He said when he and his GF (now W) separated a few years back, she started dating a guy from her work. My friend said he "couldn't stand the thought of her with someone else, so I ****** a ton of girls." I thought he was going to say he regretted that, but he didn't. Said he thought it was healthy to follow the path of the other person so that you won't have resentment, since you are doing the same thing. But he knows I'm a practicing Christian, so he also said, "You can't do something you know you can't peacefully live with, though."

I do not share the opinion of needing to cheat if they cheat, am not considering the possibility of dating, and am planning on dealing with her dating IF it comes up and she wants to R someday. As you can tell, I have so far been unsuccessful to stop thinking about this, although today is better than yesterday. I did have a good evening after a major breakdown the moment I walked into my house last night. Wish I could make myself cry like that whenever I need to, but normally I just feel like the pain is stuck and won't let go.

This is an example of why I don't feel like I have someone to talk to. My family is too close, takes it personally, gets defensive of me, and doesn't really help me. I don't need to hear, "She's out of her mind", anymore. Then my work friends are too crass and bold. I don't desire to judge their actions, it's just not me. I am married and will continue to honor that until I'm not.

[jim0987]

Card. If you don't already I really recommend finding yourself a counsellor. They are just good at listening, being neutral and reflecting back your own feelings. Mine is helping me enormously.

[SunnyB]

I am married and will continue to honor that until I'm not.

Card, I say the same thing. I'm married until I'm not.

At my first IC session, she asked if I was going to have a revenge affair. Ummmm......no. When I told one of my college friends, a guy, he immediately offered me the opportunity for revenge. Ummmm....no.

One of these days it's going to be amazing. And worth the wait.

[Card29]

If she wants to R someday, I am willing to forgive. I see an R with OW at this point serving two functions, neither of which I need:

1. Mask pain that I have with a shallow R
2. Protect me from resentment so I'll be able to forgive

In reality, my R would be yet another hurdle for our M to overcome, which already has enough. So no thanks.

[Card29]

I just watched the TED talk by Brene Brown (The Power of Vulnerability), as recommended by Maybell. See her thread for further notes. I wanted to post this comment on my own thread because I didn't want to flood her thread with my sitch. The following comment won't make sense unless you watch the talk.

I believe I generally fall into the whole-hearted category (especially before BD...hard to judge myself right now). On the other hand, my WAW is a near 180º difference, in the shame category. She is severely depressed and needs two heavy meds to function. She has been drinking heavily (for her) since BD. She has to take a sleeping pill on Saturday nights to get at least one good night of sleep per week. She has always feared she was a bad mother. I suspect there are lots of fears and shame she hid from me and everyone else over the years. In our early years, she was vulnerable around me. She told me about her childhood problems, etc. The last few years she has put on a colder exterior.

I specifically think about her R with her mom. She used to be closer to MIL. Then MIL went through her 2nd D 3 years ago. She quickly found a new BF and devoted all of her attention to him. She has barely paid any attention to our D2 since she was born. She only lives 3 hours away and was always welcome at our house, yet she's only visited once or twice in 2 years. She never calls or texts asking about anyone anymore. I know this deeply hurt my W, but she put on a hard exterior and just reacted with mild anger and said she was "done trying with mom. she can see D2 anytime she wants, it's up to her". But I know she felt completely rejected by this.

I just pray for my W's heart. She is broken and has so much work to do on herself. I hate the thought that a person I love more than anyone is in so much pain. Maybe I'm over dramatizing it since she is in her fog and with what she told me Monday night (seemingly blaming me for all of her problems). I hope I'm exaggerating her problems. Since S it is very hard to know exactly what's going on with her, so I usually haven't thought too much about it.

[Card29]

I just had (hopefully) my last convo with WAW about dating. I clarified how it makes me feel as we miscommunicated before (she legitimately thought I would be okay with it before this week). She was the one that re-stated how it makes me feel and I concurred. I emphasized that I was not judging her, but it was important to me that we were at least on the same page about how I feel. I did not utter a single word trying to change her mind.

Yeah, I probably broke some DB principles, especially since I initiated, but I had a huge weight on me since the texts after the phone call Monday night that she maybe thought I was validating her desires. I feel like I can refocus on DB, detach, GAL now, and I did my best to not appear to attack, place blame, judge, beg or plead.

Feel free to congratulate me or swing a 2x4, whatever I need.

[MrBond]

Maybe I'm not sure what the conversation was for. Were you trying to tell her not to date?