New to DB. Confronted my wife with proof of her 3.5 year affair (Voice Mail), yesterday. She is also dating/flirting with other people she plays raquetball with (text & voice mail). She still won't admit to the affair.
We still live together with 2 boys 11 & 14. I have been trying to be nice to her, buying gifts, leaving notes, working on my issues, etc. for the past 3 months, following other online programs, books. It seems like she just does not respect me. Doesn't want to go on dates together or do things unless it is her idea.
Now that I have really confronted her with proof, it really pushed her away. Where do I go from here?
Yea man, that is tough. You are in for a fight. I do not know if I could be that strong (although I may be in a similar situation). I have posted my situation and you can read if you wish, however three months ago I took the kids to fireworks while she went out with friends (one was single) and on subsequent events I see her interacting with him differently. It wasnt was caused our issues (I can take some blame for that) but it is playing a part.
All I can say is detach, get a life for yourself and your boys (I have two also), give her a ultimatum.
I cannot understand sometimes why we have trials like this, nor do I understand why they do not try to work things out civily.
I have started talking to God recently, it has helped somewhat.
regards
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
Read up on my thread. I am in a similar situation. I did the Plan A/nice thing for a while. I have found that detaching and GALing has helped to both bring her back a bit AND help me feel better. My W still will not admit to the A. But she is showing signs of cooling it with him. I spoke with a divorce mediator and sent this info to my W. I also asked her to find some times/dates that would work to meet with him together. I think this action woke her up a bit to the gravity of this situation.
She is not fully out of the fog yet and has not provided transparency to me. I know that I cannot control that. So my advice, like others, is to focus on you. What did you do to lead up to this situation? What could you have done better in the M? Improve yourself, be a great dad and detach.
Not sure I would go the ultimatum route at this point, but that is your decision. Sounds like you could be a bit early for that.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Thanks guys. We are both Christians, so she says she is. I have been seeing my pastor about what I need to do to fix my issues, that contributed to her actions. I am on track there.
I agree and appreciate you input on GAL. I can't do this focus on her A anymore. It is too painfull. I figure if she is going to leave, I might as well get started GAL and detaching. I did notice when I acted like I didn't care, if she was coming back, after she left that morning of the confrontation. She came back in time to go to church with me and the boys. I had told her I was taking the boys to church.
The message was about Adultery! She didn't say anything. I just pray God is working on her heart. I am going to start working out and also do a phone coaching session, to make sure I set the proper goals and stay on track.
I have been trying to be nice to her, buying gifts, leaving notes, working on my issues, etc. for the past 3 months, following other online programs, books. It seems like she just does not respect me.
Hi Mike. Supplication almost never leads to respect. More importantly, since most women tie their feelings of "respect" very closely with their feelings of "love" for their husbands, such behavior can actually cause her to LOSE love for you. At a MINIMUM it kills attraction.
MWD calls it "pursuit" in her books, and it's a big DB no-no. Have you read DB or DR yet?
I just bought DB today and skimmed it to get the main points so I don't do more stupid stuff. I will read it during my lunches away from home. I have a call scheduled with Chuck at DB for Thursday.
I know I opened a can of worms with confronting her with proof. I just need to change modes now and GAL and stop being needy. Just looking for guidlines so I don't come acrossed as a jerk, only confident. Shodan's situation sounds very similar as I read a bunch of his threads today.
W recently opened her own bank account. All of our others are joint accounts. She does have a bunch of her own credit cards and the one I use is joint. I know from one of the voice mails I found she has bought OM clothes. I make way more money than W as she works part time.
I have talked to an attorney about my options, although I am not ready for D. Went to a gym today to look into a membership. Trying to figure out a schedule, so the boys do not suffer from me being gone.
We have a family 4 day cruise scheduled for Thanksgiving with her parents and my parents and boys. Wondering how to handle that?
Before I confronted her with proof, she would talk about doing things together, like going on a date, but then would not follow through. She would rarely do anything I suggested. If she brings soemthing up again, should I tell her I would think about it? Or?
She would usually just go to bed and not say anything. I have been praying out loud with my hand on her back, every night since I first found out 3 months ago, because she always complained we never prayed together. Last night she told me good night, so I said good night and just did a short prayer, nothing about M or OM. Should I keep doing this as part of my changing?
When we have had discussions about the A, she always brings up that her needs were not being met. I think sex is a part of this. I could never get out of W what she wanted and frankly how she has been treating me the last 4 years, my interest was limited. Can't fix this part now, other than GAL and maybe her starting to be attracted to me again.
