Depressed WAW 4

[Card29]

She is a good mom. I do think she has been emotionally detached from D2 somewhat. She's always been insecure that she isn't a good mom. Even now she is not your typical mom. We split days with D2 fairly evenly, two handoffs per week. Most moms would be itching to get their child back. Frequently, she delays the return of D2 to her by a few hours or even an entire day. She was supposed to get D2 this last Saturday, but she delayed until Sunday so she could hang out with friends. She hadnt seen D2 for 3 days at that point.

I think some of that is the fog, feeling free from our M, etc. But it doesn't surprise me based on how she has seemed around D2 since her birth. Before BD, I was the one who spent the majority of the time with D2. I always got her up, nearly always gave her a bath and usually out her to bed. Some of that was from W's school and work load. But even nights when she was free, she preferred to watch a TV episode, read a book and go to bed. She would cook for D2, and play with her a little, but that was it.

Another example of our difference in connection to D2 is visiting her at daycare. We both work similar distances from daycsre and we have flexible hours. So we can pretty much visit her during the day any day we want. I have visited her something like 50-100 times since she started there when she was 3 months old. I don't know if WAW has done a midday visit more than 2-3 times. She is a more focused worker, and I may have overdone it some since it was my first child and j was just so thrilled to have a life dream of mine realized. I don't think she's bad for not visiting, that was my choice to do that.

I hope she is bonding with D2 as she said. Even if our M doesn't work out, there's no questioning that that would be best for D2. And maybe it would make her more willing to try with me, if she had the bonus of having D2 everyday to go along with it.

[Card29]

Don't respond! She's not worth your energy or attention. She's just trying to absolve her own poor choices by saying that to you. My H did the same thing. Just know that you're the better person, and you won't have to live with the guilt of being the one to tear the family apart. You will be okay.

For better or worse, I responded with a couple of texts. I did not take any additional blame. Reading back on them, I probably shouldnt have said some of it (expressing more regret for not fulfilling her needs even though I loved her...cmon man, she knows that's how you feel). I felt like the rest needed to be said. I did not hint at validating the dating, but I also didn't attack it.

My brain remembers the 180 list, the fog, she's speaking in absolute negatives, don't believe anything you see and half of what you hear, etc. But my heart does hear that 50% of truth and it burns, deeply. I know that she is a mess and there's really nothing I can DO for her right now. I can't fix her depression, I can't drag her out of her fog, I can't make her want to try on the M. I just need to continue giving her space even if shes making terrible, hurtful decisions, and I need to focus on myself and D2.

[Card29]

Saving a vacation day and going into work. I basically hadnt got off the couch since the phone call. I need to be around somewhat healthy people right now

[jim0987]

Sensible plan

[Jefe]

Card, I'm right there with you. Pray. Clear your mind.

[Card29]

Visited D2 on my way to work. At work and still breathing. So far I'm at least handling this better than I handled everything in late June, early July. Had a nightmare about her last night, though. I really hope those don't continue like they did before. Nothing is worse than going through hell about something while you're awake, only to be subjected to an over-the-top, even more painful version of that he'll while you're asleep.

Okay digging into work now.