Wife Is Continuing Affair-When Do I Start LRT?-V

[PeterV2]

Dev;
I get that almost daily. I'm spending a lot of time with my W and we're in the "friends" mode but every so often she gets pissed off and dredged up stuff from the past as if it happened yesterday. Yeah, it's like a broken record. I've got to find a way to diffuse it. I'm thinking reflective conversation, but that may be seen as just a ploy. Sometimes it seems we just can win and the only strategy is to STFU or just change the subject - obviously.

W - I can't believe you made me leave your house when your ex came over (10 years ago)
Me - Looks like I need to clean out the eaves troughs today - lots of leaves falling into them.

[Devaste]

Thanks Peter,

So true. For example, I woke up to these texts below. I'm not even sure where to respond or if I should. I'm not sure where she thinks I blame mental illness. I haven't responded and I'm not going to I don't think till I collect myself. If I respond at all. She's got a threat about S4s activities, and then lays several other things on the table. My first response was to argue her points, but I realize it doesn't matter, that's how she feels, and that can't be argued. Then I feel crappy about myself that the woman I spent so much of my adult life with perceived me that way. Then I tell myself she is rewriting marital history etc. Sure makes it hard to know what to believe. Except, I know I'm a good person, I have a good heart, and I'm full of love and caring. I just can't reach through to the one person that I want to. I think she's done......

Here's the texts from this AM

"Just FYI - I've just looked at my entire work schedule and there is not one day where I have a chance on Thursdays on my days with the kids for the rest of the year. So I will not be able to take S4 to hockey again. So, hopefully you've got it all planned like you said. "

"And PS every time you tell me to go be happy somewhere else you dismiss any responsibility that you had on the destruction of our marriage. You think it's okay to use my history of mental illness as a scapegoat for you being selfish and controlling. You were NOT a good partner at all to me. A good job does not make one a good partner. You gave nothing else to your role as partner and parent in our family. Nothing. So stop blaming my mental illness and treating me like a lost cause."

"Or we are going to have a toxic co-parenting relp for as long as I can last.
When you get the accountant to send the past three years of all our financials personal and corp year ends please have him send them to my lawyer as well. I assume you've done this given you are meeting with your lawyer tomorrow and we need them for the separation agreement. And we need the agreement so you can buy me out of the house. If you're not prepared to do they by. Dec 31st, then the house will have to go on the market."

"I need it by then so I can have a couple of months to determine my options. I need to be in an new place by next summer. "

So my initial response was tossed out. I decided no response was necessary. What are everyone's thoughts? I welcome input here. Off to the pumpkin patch.....

Cheers

Dev

[twinmom]

No response from you is needed. I personally think she is acting like a 2yr old. Just ignore her. Go to the pumpkin patch and try to enjoy yourself.

She just wants you to say how wrong you were so she can deflect all her guilt onto you.

[Devaste]

Thanks Twinmom,


That's what I've decided. I received another 7 texts in the last 30
min. So far fetched and unreal.......but not going to get a response from me.

Thanks again,

Cheers,

Dev

[claire7]

Is this an opportunity for validating?

[Devaste]

Hey Claire7,

I've wondered the same thing myself. I have tried to follow some of Wonkas validation cheat sheets, and I have done it before. I find sometimes when I do this, she still seems to get incredibly angry. It's a valid question though. And a great point. I'm crafting a response today....

Cheers and thanks

Dev

[PeterV2]

In my first marriage I would get a barrage of vicious emails. I never replied. If there was an email that was civil I would reply quickly. That sends the message that spewing is not rewarded but civil discourse is.

[Jefe]

Exactly my thoughts

[Starsky309]

In my first marriage I would get a barrage of vicious emails. I never replied. If there was an email that was civil I would reply quickly. That sends the message that spewing is not rewarded but civil discourse is.

LOVE this. ^^^

[Wonka]

Hey Dev,

What's happening to my Tarzan? Do you need a Jane to prop up your bruised ego? I don't mind playing your lovely Jane here!