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Originally Posted By: shodan
Tar

It does appear that she needs time and space to think and process everything. As much as it would hurt, she may need to go through a D and find herself again before she could come back to you. Or perhaps just staying separated from each other and leading separate lives without formally dissolving the M? I agree that it hurts to hear "I love you" and then "I want a divorce" at the same time.

It sounds likes she is not ready for MC. You cannot force that. But it would be good to slow down the process if you can. Then again, if she wants to D, you cannot stop that.

Finally, perhaps don't be available tonight, but later this week or this weekend. Gives you time to delay the process AND shows that you are moving forward/busy/GALing.



Wise advice. ^^^


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Yesterday did not go well.

W and I made arrangements to meet at a restaurant last night to discuss kids/budget. Then W sends me an fyi text that she had taken 2 pieces of furniture from the house while I was at work. I get home to find not only those pieces of furniture gone, but some other things including a tv, table, clothes, dishware, odds and ends from drawers.....did not put me in a good mood, so probably should haven cancelled our meeting, but wanted to get it over with.

W then picks kids up later and waltzes in like nothing- didn't help my attitude. So later in the night, we meet at the restaurant and right away she asks me why we're even there. Um, it was her idea to meet and discuss these things...

So we were just bitter and snippy with each other discussing the kids schedule, even though when it came down to it, we were both in agreement. Moved on to budget and that didn't go much better. She kept throwing little digs in (intentional or not) about the atty telling her to take me for everything, but that's not what she wanted to do. I felt like she was holding that over me throughout our discussion. Yet again, did not help my attitude.

We eventually cooled off a little and were able to talk about our interaction going forward. I told her I wanted to be friendly with her, but was still battling some fresh emotions. She said she quit MC because she felt like she had nothing to give during our sessions (I agreed that I had seen that out of her).

We left with things still up in the air. These type of interactions clearly don't help our feelings towards each other. It didn't help that as soon as we sat down, I noticed a couple of the OM circle of friends sitting in a booth across from us. I think W noticed them too, as she moved her seat as to not face their direction.

So I'm currently drafting an email apologizing for my attitude towards her and telling her that I'd like to be able to work things out amicably. I need to overcome these resurfacing emotions and get along with her for our sake, for the kids sake and for any chance of finding our way back to each other down the road...



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Why exactly are you apologizing?


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
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Ha, that's the Tarheel I know: slipping then regretting it. It's almost endearing and I'm not even joking. We all have our difficulties and it makes us human. "There is a crack in everything, that's where the light comes in." - Leonard Cohen.

Originally Posted By: Tarheel
So I'm currently drafting an email apologizing for my attitude towards her and telling her that I'd like to be able to work things out amicably.

Speak with your actions. Don't apologize for the past, do better in the future. I bet apologizing gives you an unconscious clearance to do wrong again in the future. Imagine that your apology is your behavior in the next encounter.

Last edited by Mozza; 10/22/14 02:38 PM.

M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Originally Posted By: Mozza
Speak with your actions. Don't apologize for the past, do better in the future.


Great advice.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
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Originally Posted By: Drew
Why exactly are you apologizing?

Apologizing, or really just explaining, my attitude last night. I know better than to get sucked in like that. Stupid. In the moment, I was conscious of my past passive aggressive behaviors, so made the effort to take the subjects head on and tell her how I really felt. However, it just continued our tense interaction. It was clear from when we first sat down that neither of us were in the right place emotionally to have the conversation. I should have postponed it right then- stupid me.

Although I thought mentally I was doing well, her bailing on MC, moving things out, getting her own place and consulting with an atty feels like the band aid being pulled off again. All these negative emotions/feelings towards her that I had been working through during MC and dating her are now resurfacing. They feel justified in my mind, but I know acting upon them is not the right course of action.

I know her recent actions are needed if there is any chance for us in the future. I'm happy for her and I told her that. But emotions can be difficult to overcome at times.

To be honest, I'm more hung up and hurt by her R with OM than the failure of our M- I know where I/we went wrong and what the steps were to 'fix' the M. The A is what I'm left with unanswered questions on and is the source for a lot of my anger right now. The anger that I'm trying to push back down. When I twist it just right, her recent actions are her way of getting out of providing those answers to me.



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My point exactly: You're apologizing so YOU feel better. And if you're explaining, you're losing.

As others have said, let your actions do the talking.


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Originally Posted By: Mozza
I bet apologizing gives you an unconscious clearance to do wrong again in the future. Imagine that your apology is your behavior in the next encounter.


Man, this ^^^ is awesome. I don't pretend to know Tar well enough to say that *he* does this necessarily, but I sure know a bunch of people who do!!! Classic.

whistle whistle


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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That's it, I'm making a decision right now- no more slipping up. I'm tired of looking back at my old posts and cringing.

From this point forward, friendly neighbor mode is in full effect.

No more emotional pressure on W, no more R talk, no more breaking down. I read threads on here of people less than 3mos into BD doing better than I am when it comes to dropping the rope.

I will not reach out to W unless it is kid or budget related. I will not let my emotions control my behavior towards her. If she wishes to proceed with a dissolution, I will be as cooperative as possible while maintaining a PMA.

From this point forward, if I post anything that goes against what I've just now posted, feel free to hunt me down and beat me with a real 2x4.



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Tar. Reread and re-invigorate that mantra about 3x daily. Eventually it will take. Mine has.

I now make decisions based on what I want and what is good for my children. If I take a box of stuff over (food, spices, etc.) to her new place, it's to get it out of my hair, out of my pantry, and out of my head. I don't make a fuss, and typically do it when she's not there but SS15 is. My kids need to eat (her move out last weekend was far from complete when I returned on Sunday.)

Likewise with her books and stuff. I'm moving them out of the house and into the converted garage that was the family room (now empty.) I'm not doing her a favor. I'm recreating my home the way I want it (and giving her a timeline to get that stuff or risk losing it). If it makes her life easier, so be it. I understand my own motivations.

Budget is done. I'm divorced. I'm paying child support in advance of the court-ordered requirement (in effect 3 Nov) because I want to support my children. No need to go into "letter of the law" mode.

She now initiates convo. I never call, only text. I do allow and encourage the children to call whenever they are with me. I do not hover. When she asks them to give me the phone, I respond politely and succinctly. This is as dark as I can get with children. I don't even think "Why" anymore when I'm on the phone with her. Sometimes I still lose my detachment when I'm lying in bed, but not while interacting.

I say all this to let you know...you will get there. And her response will surprise you. My XW has already expressed surprise to her aunt at my decency and support while she recovers from surgery this week. Well, no need to be surprised. This is who I have always been. Utterly reliable. But now, in a different way.

Sorry if this seems like a threadjack. Got caught up a little there.


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
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