Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Magic,
I never left, I just didn't post to you. There comes a time when I have to step away and allow you to hit that brick wall until you finally begin to understand that you can't fix, push or manipulate him. The only person you can fix is yourself and you do have some issues that you need to delve into w/a professional. If you don't learn about yourself and why you have these issues, they'll continue to haunt you for the rest of your life and yes, they will be this huge elephant in the room in any relationship that you have.

Sunshine went through the h@ll and back and finally began to see the light of day. No, she didn't reconcile w/her h. She still has a few issues to resolve, but I believe she's working on them to make herself a far better and happier person. So, yes, Smurf gave you a heads up on Sunshine's threads and you should read them. She struggled, stomped her feet and didn't understand the process, but she finally let go and that's what you need to learn to do...let go!

This board, the people here are wonderful and they try to help each other, but let's face it, your problems run a bit deeper than what we can assist you with. It's time to go a step further and seek some professional counseling in order for you to better understand yourself.

Smurf,
What a pleasant surprise and I'm glad to see you came by for a very short visit.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
Hi Job, Smurf & all ...

Smurf: Thanks for chiming in. I wasnt asking you to do my homework... I was asking what particular behaviour was like hers.. or if you are just speaking in general terms. FYI, I don't think sunshinelewis's posts are available... I cannot find them. Also, I have GAL... I think I need independence & my own house (this would help).

Job: I already understand that I cannot fix, push or manipulate him.... I goofed this time, it was a mistake.... pushing and manipulating. 2 x 4 to self!! I am still impatient!!

I am not going to beat myself up about it anymore. I need to let it go & be OK with my own actions (right or wrong).

I have learned about myself (I have done a weekend retreat and was surprised at what I found out). I learned about several monkey's that I need to discipline & control/accept. I am working on myself to make myself better & happier.... this is & will continue to be a work in progress. I am not sure why this is not evident in my postings, I honestly am trying. I know I don't need him (sometimes I wonder if I even want him... this/he is a lot of work). I am hoping to read Sunshine's thread so that I can gain more knowledge. I did try earlier to see her posts but I can only find recent ones.

Tonight after work, I knew I wasn't going to attend my women's meeting & I suggested that we have a cup of tea at his place. He didn't really seem interested, although he did come around to the idea. I suggested (vulnerable & fearing rejection), because I wanted to know that if "I" make suggestions that he is willing to participate on my terms too. He had been wanting to rake the leaves, but was ok with my suggestion, I had a quick tea & then left. He gave me a quick kiss on the lips.

~~~~~~~~~~

I am doing the work to improve myself... I have improved myself & will continue to do so. I am not perfect, I made a mistake... For the last few days I have been riding my emotions (enough is enough now).

Tonight, I am unable to attend my women's group where tonights discussion is about setting goals. This is me, working on myself. So, unable to attend that meeting, I will will post here and treat this forum as my therapy for tonight.... if anyone wants to chime in, please do.

This is what my goal is:

"I surrender and allow myself to receive the gifts of life & love by letting go of control, because I am worth being pursued and appreciated"

My action steps are:

~ re-read: Surrendered Single, What Men Really Want, & Co-Dependent No More .... grasp this stuff!!
~ be aware of the need to control (STFU)
~ let go of the control, enjoy the outcome of allowing gifts to come to me
~ gain confidence. Be aware/appreciate self MORE!!
~ be "open" to whatever

~~~~~~~~~~

One of my questions to all is "how" I am not valuing myself? (please be as specific as you can)... I feel that I am valuing myself because I am not settling ... I am "tolerating/accepting" certain behaviours from him (and I am hoping he is tolerating/accepting certain behaviours from me) because we are "seeing how it goes"... my tolerating will be a temporary action until we are on more solid ground. An example of tolerating his behaviour is the lazy approach to his offers. However, I did clarify with him & got a better response.

When I read about posters who's husbands slowly return, the response usually is accepted by the readers and the general advice is to go slow & don't expect much from him.. (feral cat, squirrel analogy, cake baking, etc) ... I am wondering why I am not getting more of this kind of advice?... it "seems" as tho many of you expect him to be offering marriage or to be ready for counselling... geez, the guy is still coming out of his MLC... I don't get the pressure/demand here (as much as I would sometimes like to whack him on the head & wonder why he isn't already ready??)

Last edited by makingmagic; 10/21/14 12:14 AM.

M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,165
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,165
You want to know how u are like I was? Some examples for you
1....I asked the same questions over and over and over. People gave me the same answers over and over and over. I kept asking hoping I would hear what I wanted to hear.....didn't happen, people just got tired of talking to a wall.
2....Defensive...I defended my actions AFTER I asked for opinions and people took time to help me.
3....I kept going thru he!! Because I refused to except things, it was a long rd.
4.....Manipulative! Thought I could manipulate my ex into doing what I wanted.
5....Naive.......believed every word that came out of his mouth and LOST everything financially possible. Believed him right up till he met and remarried someone else. Hung on every promise and crumb until it almost destroyed ME!
6.....co dependent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fear of being alone, so I would settle for just spending some time with him, sex included.


It really sickens me to read your posts sometimes because I want to reach out and shake u to the core. I remember being this hardheaded so well.




Seriously get help now!

Hi smurf glad to hear from u and thanks for the compliment. It's been a long road and as job said still trying to improve.

Last edited by sunshinelewis; 10/21/14 09:20 AM.

_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,249
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,249
>>>>One of my questions to all is "how" I am not valuing myself? (please be as specific as you can)...


OK you asked....e........

How do you get from this?

>>>Tonight, he offered for me to come over & have pizza with him... I am going to decline & instead grab take out with DD & watch some TV & go to sleep early (I didn't sleep much... he SNORES!!).

To this

>>>he invited me over for dinner & next thing you know I was going through his phone,

What happened with your daughter? I bet she was pleased!

And what about GAL? What about all the valuing or respecting yourself more....Lapdog, doormat, accepting crumbs are all words that come to mind. He Whistles and you go running.

>>>geez, the guy is still coming out of his MLC

This Guy is not in MLC, he is fed up of you pressurising, and being clingy and needy.......so much so, he asks you to leave.

>>>When I read about posters who's husbands slowly return, the response usually is accepted by the readers and the general advice is to go slow & don't expect much from him.... I am wondering why I am not getting more of this kind of advice?...

His advances towards you appear to be commensurate to his testosterone level....but you see it as piecing.

The "business deal" is a fiasco....if this was a straight forward divorce, then the business would be split 50/50, and would not take this long to resolve.....

He is playing you ! Matt165 had the same observation.

In order to love someone, you have to respect them. By being a puppet he cannot respect you, therefore try as he might he cannot love you, not to the level you are wanting.

Thats why we are all telling you over and over again, to make a life for yourself, respect yourself, and leave him alone.....only then will things fall into place.

Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
Hey Sunshine.... where can I read your story? Where did you get the help you needed? IC is not available to me just yet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am sorry, if many of you feel that the questions I ask are the same over & over. I see it differently. The questions I am currently asking are so that I can understand... fully.

Like, "how" I am not valuing myself? and in return "how" you would value yourself differently than I am? The second question I am asking, is "why" many of you feel /expect that HE should be "ready" to commit more than what he currently has. I don't understand when he is just coming out of MLC & probably still requiring space & time to finish baking. This is the advice I read on other threads.

Many of you say I keep asking the same questions, below are the questions from this thread that I have asked, some answered ... some not. Because I am asked to re-read my threads, I have not seen any duplicate questions...

Questions I have asked:

1) The Squirrel analogy.. is this not the right way?
2) asking for a suggestion on how to talk with him, so that I can apply new behaviours.... rec'd help but will continue to ask as each situation arises. (t-giving, "carry on", bidding, to go/not go away with him)
3) asking how to place him second, when he knows my day and my reason would come across as game playing
4) asking if T-giving scenario is weird.... rec'd comments
5) asking how to get his respect and pursuit while dealing with my attraction to him and wanting back my family life/home?
6) how to be placed higher on his priority list?
7) how to be more of a challenge? To have things more on my terms?
8) how can he feel as tho he has lost me, now that we are re-connecting?
9) asking what is the way to help him past his feeling that I will run a mile if he gives me an inch?
10) asking to be shown where I am not following advice?
11) is this piecing? what exactly is the definition of piecing?
12) suggestions on what to do next
13) has he progressed? have we (as a couple) progressed?
14) where his actions/words are not matching? where my actions/words aren't matching. What actions/interactions would be better?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He called this morning... discussed work & then he brought up a heated argument that he had with his mom this morning. Then mentioned to me that he was sharing it with me.

He also asked if I would pick him up (his convenience) and then go pick up another vehicle out of town... this would require that I drop all that I am doing. 180. "no sorry.. I am deep in other work right now". <<<< If I want respect, I cannot be dropping things to accommodate him. Yes, this is a business request, however, its not a priority from what I am doing. He was satisfied with my answer.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: makingmagic

I am sorry, if many of you feel that the questions I ask are the same over & over. I see it differently.



Of course you do. That's a key part of the issues you have, and what you need a good IC to help you with. You see EVERYTHING differently, MM . . . EVERYTHING needs to be qualified, explained, rationalized, "corrected," etc. You do this with us, you do this with your xBF and I suspect it is a huge part of why he pushes you away.

I mean, think about it: if you saw things clearly, you're obviously a bright, capable woman -- you'd be able to fix it. The fact that you don't see your sitch clearly (many of us don't, when we're in it) is part of your dysfunction.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,249
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,249
I am sorry, I truly do not understand

>>>>He also asked if I would pick him up (his convenience) and then go pick up another vehicle out of town... this would require that I drop all that I am doing. 180. "no sorry.. I am deep in other work right now". <<<< If I want respect, I cannot be dropping things to accommodate him.

This is just childish, how is this a 180?

You are supposed to be equal partners....well 51/49, Is your denying a simple business request good for the business? Is it going to earn you respect?

The bidding the other day/week, you could not see that he was empowering you! He was working on/in/under vehicles and you plague him with calls and texts!

OMG!

Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
Houston (smurf)... we have a problem. I am not trying to make you wrong. Your reply would be accurate if you had the story straight.

Starsky... am I supposed to not set the story straight? The corrected version would be speaking the truth & therefore REAL advice could be given from that point. I agree however, that part of my dysfunction is not being able to see ALL things clearly. please read below:

SEE? I post and it gets twisted.. not sure why this happens!!

When he invited me to dinner (pizza) & I declined to be with my daughter... I did just that. I spent the night with my daughter and fell asleep early. The next day, he asked for dinner again (eggs). My daughter was pleased. I was finally making her a priority (need to do this more often).... Smurf got this mixed up & therefore the advice given doesn't apply.

And.. what about GAL?... why do you think I am not GAL? I have posted about my GAL activities...

However, I do agree... that when he whistles, I go running. I want to change this and have asked for suggestions that do not come across as games. I have specifically asked "how"? Due to the nature of our business (on call), when he makes a suggestion to hang out with him, he "knows" the work schedule & I cannot say "can't, have work to prioritize". This would come across as game playing. Keep in mind we work 9am-9pm. Please explain further.

MLC?... why do you say he is not MLC. The guy was full blown MLC since before BD, has all kinds of symptoms & behaviours of MLC.

However, accurate again on me pressurizing, clingy & needy (at BD).. not during our relationship & not during the past 2 years. I am working to not be that way again!

OK... I do see it as piecing because of his actions & words. I do agree that his testosterone level is up too... what man's isn't? If HE says he is "working on us" and HE "feels" like he is, and HE makes gestures other than sex related, and HE tries to do nice things for me.... isn't that the beginning?

As for the business... HE "says" things to our clients like "our" place, since "we" bought this place, etc. He is allowing others to know this is "ours"... not "his". Why would we be splitting the business IF we were trying to reconcile now?

Yes, in order to love someone you have to respect them... I think he has been respecting me more and more. I sense him searching for ways to satisfy me. He is really talking & speaking nicer/kinder to me, asking me my opinion "what do you want to do (food/fun stuff/ideas/places)"?, being open to seeing each other more, trying to come up with ideas on how to break free from our work/work day, sharing, etc...

I am trying to get out of my "puppet" ways... this is 180 and requires MUCH discipline. I am working on it. Its just not natural all the time, yet.

Smurf... you suggest I am a puppet.. yet, when I try to empower myself by NOT jumping at his request (picking up a vehicle), you tell me its wrong.... I mentioned it was not priority. Why is it childish? 180 for me because I normally jump (like you said I do). Yes, I do see that bidding on my own empowers me.. however, it was his WAY of going about it (leaving me hanging, etc) that was off.

Also, he went to sleep (so he said)... he was not on/under/in vehicles like you suggest. However, point made.... The OLD MM, used to call at the wrong time. I barely call/text him at all now.

OHHH... one thing I have come to realize that I believe Sandi help me to realize is that I feel the need to clarify, etc is because I want to feel closure.

Last edited by makingmagic; 10/21/14 03:36 PM.

M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,249
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,249
Well silly me for interpreting wrong

As I said in my 2nd post

>>>>> your threads are full of people offering advice, just to be rebuked. I don't intend to be another.

Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
I am so sorry smurf.. thats not what I meant... I meant to say that your opinion is off because somehow it was either written wrong or taken wrong. I am not out to make you wrong... but to somehow right the circumstance/situation. I hope you understand.

As identified, the reason I clarify, explain, come across as argumentative is due to the fact that I am genuinely seeking closure. I feel that to get this, the REAL truth needs to be mentioned.

For example (not to point you out): "IF" your opinions of my Xbf or myself are based on a few of the above mentioned comments, then I could see your point. However, if some need tweaking... would your opinions be the same? (possibly not).... Like the comment you made where I didn't follow through with my evening with my DD... but, I DID.. .and therefore she felt good (not like you suggest) and I wasn't quite the puppy dog you are making me out to be. ... if other readers read what you thought... I come across as a big puppy dog, puppet..waiting... not fair, because its not the truth... and then others chime in on how they agree. Should this not be clarified?

I am really genuinely wanting your opinion (based on full truth), of how I am childish in what I thought was a valuing self response to him, when he expected/asked me to jump to go pick him up.

Last edited by makingmagic; 10/21/14 03:55 PM.

M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard