Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
#2499095 10/21/14 03:35 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
My wife and I were married in February of 2014. We wanted all of the same things in life; kids, a house, dogs and agreed that divorce simply wasn't an option. She was very steadfast in her belief that married couples need to work their problems out.

In the last 6 months she has been laid off and rehired, we bought a house and got a dog. At first she was so excited about our house and dog. But that all changed. I figured that she was just stressed out about all of our transitions in life.

In August we went away on an 8 day trip that I insisted was ill timed. We took the vacation because she insisted. While we were there I let her know that it was nice and I enjoy spending time with her, but next year maybe we should just do 4 or 5 days. I felt so trapped on the resort when we should have been home, getting used to our new home and training our new puppy. She got really upset saying that next year she wanted 2 weeks instead and how I'm no fun.

Anyway once we returned, she stopped helping around the house. She leaves for work before I do and gets home for work an hour or two after me. She makes about 1/2 as much and has very few of our bills to pay. When she comes home on weekdays or wakes up on weekends she immediately starts drinking on the couch and watches TV all day. She said that the house and dog are overwhelming and she just wants to go out more and have fun.

A few weeks ago I told her things aren't going so well for either one of us and we should probably work on things. Doing all of the housework and paying all of the bills makes me feel tired, alone and frustrated so we annoy each other and there has to be a better way for us to handle it. She just replied that she doesn't think we are right for each other and doesn't know if she wants to work things out or get a divorce. I was stunned because there was no abuse or cheating (that I'm aware of). However, my mother had commented many times that she is always on her phone and started deleting photos of us from her social media.

Since our discussion she has stated repeatedly that she doesn't want to discuss our issues, and if I need to file for divorce to keep myself sane then I should. Every night she comes home and invites me to spend time with her, but she's always on her phone. We sleep in separate rooms and don't have sex. She is also gone all weekend every weekend even though I invite her to go out with my friends and me. I also got a call last week that she missed 2 of my car payments and my car can get repossessed so she is also neglecting her financial responsibilities.

I don't know what to do. She refuses to talk to me about anything, and keeps wanting to hang out in the house saying "we are just friends." Although she has really been a terrible partner recently, gained a lot of weight and lost her positive attitude, I still want to work through things because we made a promise. But all my friends and family think she is taking advantage of me financially so she can live in a big house and do whatever she wants.

I'm sure I've done things wrong. I'm too exhausted from everything to stay out late with her on weekends like she usually wants to. I have probably emotionally neglected her, but even when I try to ask her what she needs and how I can be what she needs she just refuses to open up. Even before the divorce talk. I don't know what to do.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
How old are the two of you?

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2499182 10/21/14 06:32 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
Thank you so much for your reply. I've read a bit about runaway wife and think she may fit the bill. Wish there was something I could do, though.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
Hi,
I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach. There is much that can be done because it isn't too late! Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Cristy #2499211 10/21/14 07:24 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
elltee, that is a short period between marriage and where you are now. Detach and work on yourself. Don't focus on her and her issues, because you won't be able to resolve them or convince her in the error of her ways. If she comes around, so be it. If not, count your blessings that at least you weren't coming to this conclusion with her twenty years down the line. You are young and have years of joy, and possible other partners, awaiting you. Take care of yourself and you will be fine.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
Elltee, I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope things get better for you. It sounds a bit like you both had an image of what M would be like for you and the reality is not the same. I can relate to that from several years ago.

It sounds like this is still fresh but you are very focused on what she has done and is doing wrong. What if anything do you feel like you did to contribute to the problem? I'm not an expert and don't know enough of your sitch to speak on much but some of what I picked up from your intro sounds like she may have been trying to communicate her needs with this vacation conversation and you were invalidating her communicating. I believe I did this a lot in the past too so I can relate but not sure you are considering.

With DB you need to focus on you and what you can do with yourself to better you. What your W is up to and how she needs to change will be up to her. Did you read DB yet? Have you thought about 180's?


M: 43 W: 43
Married 6 yrs.
T: 7 yrs.
Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10

Ahoy #2499216 10/21/14 07:42 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
Thanks, Ahoy. It's just hard because I've tried to be a supportive and understanding spouse. I have a great family and a large group of lifelong friends (10 best friends since kindergarden) so I'm not used to people who just give up and don't work together. Naively, I didn't really know people just...left so suddenly like that.

Last week she came home from a weekend of radio silence sick. I made her soup and got her medicine from the store but tried to keep my distance while still making sure she is okay. We are still married until the decree, after all. It's hard to walk that fine line while shes living in the house...being distant but still making her feel safe. Especially since she sends such conflicting messages. She told me last week she doesn't want to have sex with me because we are "just friends", but then immediately started being overly affectionate and physically suggestive. I asked her what she was doing then she got mad at me for asking questions. I don't know if she's leading me on to take advantage of me, genuinely having a hard time, or just kinda nuts.

This week I'm upset with her because she's been exhibiting a lot of attention seeking behavior online. When she texted me Sunday what time she was coming home I decided to stay with my parents for the week because I didn't want to see her. As a result she is staying with a friend all week...even though she can stay in the house. I just don't get it.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
Bunches, thank you for redirecting my thoughts. I did read DB and about the 180's. I started doing crossfit about a month ago try to to start looking a bit better and she has complimented me regularly on that which seems positive.

I know I definitely need to do more 180s and they are easy to come up with in terms of improving my physical appearance or developing fulfilling hobbies. But maybe my thoughts are too superficial and I need to find more meaningful ones that won't drive her away.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Ahoy #2499221 10/21/14 07:49 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
Sounds a lot like my sitch. How long were you together before getting M?

I don't want to give you bad news but there is likely someone else. At this point it very well just could be an EA that has concocted in her head.

What has she complained about in your M? You've done a lot of finger pointing at her, be brutally truthful with yourself what has she complained about you?


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
Hoju #2499229 10/21/14 08:01 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
I really think you are right-someone else or at least an EA is involved, but she won't admit to anything. She's usually very honest but...I don't believe her.

In terms of things I have done...there have certainly been a few. I have probably neglected her a bit emotionally. When things started feeling off, she was calling every night "date night" even if we were just sitting on the couch after work. It really bothered me because we weren't talking about our issues, and just calling everything date night. I tried to start a conversation a few times but didn't ask the right questions and got frustrated too easily. I should have made a kind gesture to make her feel emotionally comfortable enough to discuss what was going on with OM.

I also look to the future with a bit of reckless abandon. I'm in the National Guard and was considering a 2 month additional training course for my military career that would require I work away from home. She mentioned offhand she didn't like the idea, and I should have listened to her more and asked her more questions about it. Instead I got annoyed and said we needed the money and she can visit. It was insensitive.

In addition, I have a hard time getting along with her sister. That may be the biggest issue. I welcome her sister to visit our home whenever and she does pretty often. But when she visits she expects me to sleep someplace else in the house so she can share the bed with my wife, which I have always found very weird. The sister also walks around the house naked after I repeatedly asked her to stop...I found it inappropriate. She usually also brings really sketchy boyfriends with no money who I have to financially support all weekend which adds to my frustration. When I discussed it with my wife she told me to get over it. Maybe I should have, but at the very least I probably should have calmed down before I discussed the issue. I was overly critical.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Have you read the DB and DR books yet?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
When you say it would bother you to try and cover up your issues with the term "date night" what issues are you referring to? the 2 month long distance work term and her sister? While these are things that definitely need to be discussed with your wife and would cause conflict I wouldn't call them relationship "issues", you need to look past the situations to find the core issues. Emotional neglect is absolutely a relationship issue (my big one), maybe you can go into more detail on that?

I'm not sure how long you've been together but given your ages I would guess only a couple years. It's likely your relationship moved from the honeymoon phase to the power struggle phase. As your title asked "is this normal" well simply put yes it is, although most couples aren't married for it. This is the time when all those little things that you used to let slide now annoy you, it's the time you find out who your partner truely is with your blinders off. It's the time when you decide what you can and can't live with. You should do a quick google search on the stages of a relationship it might help you get an idea of what is going on.

Also pick up and read 5 love languages it is by far one of the best books you will ever read for your current relationship or any you will have in the future.


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
Hoju #2499500 10/22/14 01:29 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
Hoju- thanks for your response. I Googled the power struggle phase and that is exactly what it sounds like we are in. And just ordered the 5 love languages.

The "date night" issues I was referring to are all pretty trivial to me but to her they are a big deal. Some of our biggest issues were that we drink too much, spend too much time on our phones, watch too much television, don't give the puppy enough training/attention, and the chores aren't evenly shared. We also were not saving money, and not trying to figure out a list of priorities when it came to working on the new house. One weekend a month she wanted to spend away with her family (5 hours away) which I had a hard time with. It was hard for me to spend an entire weekend a month with my inlaws (although they're fine people) and one weekend at drill. That leaves me with only 2 weekends a month to do anything with the house or just relax. It also made me feel like with our weekend and work schedules we just didn't have enough time to relax together and connect. When her family visited us, which I always welcomed them to, they would sorta takeover our household and her younger sister didn't respect boundaries. We talked several times about the irritating things my parents do and they corrected them, but she refused to talk about any boundaries involving her family.

When I tried to discuss these issues she would just say I was stressing her out and need to relax because she doesn't want to talk about it due to her stressful (every)day at work. We never ended up talking about the issues. She now asserts that there is nothing to talk about because we are just incompatible and need to move on. I just don't get it because she said she was anti-divorce. How do we know we can't fix things if we never even try? Of course there are things about her that make me furious and I am sure she feels the same...but I just don't get why she shut down and won't even try.

I tried to find fun things to do to get us out of the house-got a Groupon for dance classes, brought her to yoga a few times, but nothing became a habit.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
You are the same age as my children, maybe even younger.

It almost sounds to me like she has not grown up yet.

You realize that you didn't BREAK her and you can not FIX her.

Wish I could give you a button to press to be able to do that but it does not work that way.
Read DB and DR, think counter inuitively and DO what WORKS.

Why was she attracted to you,
and vice versa?

Keep posting.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2499531 10/22/14 02:38 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
Cadet,
Thanks for the ongoing support. It means a lot.

My attraction to her: She was 22, ambitious with a great job. Completed college in 3 years, loyal, kind, funny, exuberant. She could light up a room and make anyone feel welcome. Shew as warm, adventurous and enjoyed trying new things. We could talk for hours. We seemed to be on the same page with everything we wanted. Shes tall and beautiful with gorgeous natural curls in her hair and a smile like a movie star. We were a good team and she made me feel so loved and supportive. She was my beautiful best friend and my everything. I loved hearing her input and playing "would you rather." I loved that she introduced me to great movies and was just so great...in every way.

Subsequent problems with attraction to her: Sometimes I felt she was too friendly...with everyone. (Offered to be a surrogate for our gay neighbors our second time meeting them). Was informed (by her father) she didn't really finish college...she "graduated" in 3 years a few courses short and kept rolling and applying for jobs as thought her degree was completed. Had difficulty determining if that was a lie or just something she doesn't think about? She left me alone on my birthday to go partying with her sister which made me feel abandoned. She stopped helping around the house and paying bills. She stopped being warm and fun in group settings and became too involved with social media and grew distant. Gained weight and stopped going outside, even to walk our puppy. She also would introduce me as a lawyer every chance she got which bothered me. She would tell anyone who listened and it sounded so pretentious. What I do to support us doesn't define me. I would have much preferred "This is my spouse...who also likes cycling! Maybe you two would get along."

Her attraction to me: I am very fit and hard working. I'm relatively attractive but nothing too special. I am creative and do a lot of fun things that people find interesting; record collection, enjoy jazz, play instruments, sail etc. I am reliable, supportive, punctual and receptive to criticism. I loved trying new things with her and she said she's never met anyone like me before. We just clicked. I am also dynamic, if I am doing something crappy and someone tells me I usually just...stop being so crappy. No big deal. My parents contend that she only liked me on paper, or what she thought I could do for her.

Subsequent problems with attraction to me: She hasn't told me-just said we aren't compatible. I am sure a lot of it stemmed from how our dynamic changed when we got the house and puppy, though. We used to go away every weekend but now that we have projects to do in the house, and a puppy, I don't think its smart or feasible to go away as much as we did.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: elltee2
New to DB. Have read a lot of the forums and book excerpts, ordered the book today. Although, this isn't my first post.

A few weeks ago my wife told me she didn't know if she wanted to work on things or not. We are living in the same house in separate bedrooms. Before coming to DB I did all the wrong things. Sometimes we would have great nights together and keep things light but other nights she would spend the whole time on her phone and I would question her about it. Last week I got sick of the rollercoaster and told her that I am filing. Just felt like she was taking adv short and kept rolling and applying for jobs as thought her degree was completed. Had difficulty determining if that was a lie or just something she doesn't think about? She left me alone on my birthday to go partying with her sister which made me feel abandoned. She stopped helping around the house and paying bills. She stopped being warm and fun in group settings and became too involved with social media and grew distant. Gained weight and stopped going outside, even to walk our puppy. She also would introantage of me and I was embarrassed she not only wouldn't discuss what is going on but also not really make a decision. Ended up filing Friday.

This weekend while she was away she took me off all her social media and changed her name back to her maiden one, along with adding a ton of new friends. I asked her about it and begged her to just admit shes having an affair so I can move on. She just shut down and told me to stop accusing her.

The other day I started really reading up on DB and posts here, realizing I really screwed up and hoping it's not too late. She is working at a satellite office for work so she will be gone for about a week. Last night I spoke to her to invite her to come home and apologize for my behavior, telling her I would give her space. I also admitted that having good nights with her confused me, to which she replied that just because things are going well doesn't mean we aren't getting a divorce. That was shocking. She told me that when I try to talk about things she shuts down and she is so shut down she probably won't ever open up again. She is seeing a therapist to talk about her own personal issues and our marriage hasn't even come up yet...which seemed crazy to me. How could that possibly be?! I asked if down the road to make sure the divorce is the right decision we could see a therapist together for a visit or two and discuss and she said that it's a good suggestion but she just isn't feeling it-our fundamental differences are so vast they won't be overcome. We are just friends. Ouch.

It appears that the advice is to GAL and give space. I deleted her number and everything (didn't tell her that) but let her know she is welcome home, or if she is having a tough week at work I'm happy to go hangout with her a bit and keep things light. She said she'd keep that in mind.

I plan to leave my parents house and go back to our home tonight. Some friends are coming over this weekend to help me paint and work on one of the bedrooms, and I also intend to return to the gym (haven't gone in a week), and read the DB book and Love Languages cover to cover as soon as they arrive. I know that not losing my cool is crucial so I need to stay calm, and do some 180's. I will not initiate contact or accuse, and try to create a warm comfortable home environment. I will also do the work on the house that I have wanted to do because it is important for me to make the house feel like home.

Does anyone have any other suggestions? Is there any hope? She dropped the bomb about a month ago and I have been all over the place...but maybe when she said she was considering it she was already done...I don't know.


Stick to one thread until you get to 100 posts.

Too many threads is hard to keep track of.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2499559 10/22/14 03:50 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: elltee2
I asked her about it and begged her to just admit shes having an affair so I can move on.
She just shut down and told me to stop accusing her.

Do you really need an answer to this question?
If she is having an affair then you are done?

DB says not to beg, plead or bargain.

Its never too late but it is not going to play out the way you are expecting.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2499566 10/22/14 04:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
I recognized that I shouldn't need an answer to that question. Just wish I felt more confident that I was being told the truth. If she is having an affair I would probably still want to work on things, it would just be a different feeling and different approach. Is it really never too late?


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: elltee2
I would probably still want to work on things, it would just be a different feeling and different approach.

Is it really never too late?

Well DB/180's is a different feeling and a different approach

And as far as it being too late, here is the thing with that.

The LBS gets to decide when it is over.
I have seen it work that way - always.

If you have not gotten to decide yet, then it is not yet over.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2499577 10/22/14 04:50 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
I definitely don't want it to be over. So I'll continue the 180's, goal setting and having fun with family and friends.

I see what you say about the LBS having more control over the situation than expected, which is great and hopeful. The thing she said that has concerned me the most is "Having fun together doesn't mean we aren't getting divorced. We are just friends. We aren't compatible." Not sure if anything I do or decide could ever change that sentiment, although I'd like to think that I could. Maybe the unconfirmed EA or PA is just keeping her distracted.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
Elltee, you sound like a really great guy and any girl would be lucky to have you. However, YOU want your W back right? Which means as unfair as it is YOU have to put the work in. No one is going to judge you for anything you've done, we are all here because of our actions and are only trying to help.

Judging from your first post and the most recent one you are still focusing on issue YOU had with the M. This isn't about right or wrong, it isn't about what should happen in a M, this isn't about you or what you want. You really need to think about if this is something you really want to save because it wont be easy. Are you prepared to live with having to visit her family? With her being irresponsible with finances? With her not being willing to talk about issues you deem important? These aspects of her personality may or may not ever change, with time and MC hopefully you can come to a mutual understanding and compromise but there are no guarantees.

Did your W say she drank to much or that you did?
Did your W complain about having too many chores to do or about feeling unappreciated for the ones she did do?
Did she ever complain about the puppy's training or your lack of interest in training the puppy?
Did she complain about the finances or worry about your future finances?
Did she complain about the amount of time you spent on your phone or in front of the tv?
Did she complain about you not wanting to talk about the issues you may have been having?

Sorry if I'm mistaken but these all sound like issues you had with the M not nessesarily issues she had. You need to focus on what she wanted done differently, where you went wrong no more blaming her.

To start with 180s you said she said you weren't any fun. Well get out and start doing things, the best part is they don't have to be things she would think are fun. You are going to do them because you enjoy it and are now your own free man moving forward. Go sailing, start cycling, go see a jazz show, spend time with your new puppy walk and train it, try something new like frisbee golf or bubble soccer. Don't worry if your W is watching or not that is not why you are doing these things... And i can guarantee you she will be watching even when it seems she isn't.


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
Hoju #2499593 10/22/14 05:44 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
That's a good point about having to put the work in. You're totally right. As far as assessing whether I really want to save the marriage-I'm a bit conflicted but believe my default mentality should be trying to save it as I made a promise, and felt very strongly the M was what I wanted at the time. I also genuinely believe we didn't give the M a fair shot.

Did your W say she drank to much or that you did?
My W drinks a bottle of wine every night...Sometimes two. She doesn't typically get destructive or act poorly so not sure if this is alcoholism or self medicating or what. Maybe she just likes the taste? I've been reluctant to judge...the habit is expensive though. I usually have a beer or two. The only time the alcohol consumption gets in the way of things is if we try to go out at night to do something that doesn't involve wine. That troubles her a bit, and we usually have to stop at the store.

Did your W complain about having too many chores to do or about feeling unappreciated for the ones she did do?
She never complained about chores, just didn't do them even after they were discussed. When she did a chore I tried to remember to tell her what a great job she did, but didn't always. Probably should have done better with that.

Did she ever complain about the puppy's training or your lack of interest in training the puppy?
She didn't like the puppy having accidents in the house, but also didn't like taking her out. I have been taking her to PetSmart training classes, but my W doesn't come. I invite her but she prefers to chill at home. Last week she told me the puppy was a lot more work than she thought and said in the divorce I can keep her.

Did she complain about the finances or worry about your future finances?
Never. But she would spend money we probably shouldn't. We have a comfortable life for which I'm super grateful, but whenever we go out she buys everyone drinks, and sometimes food, too. She likes to show off a bit...I'm not like that. Or maybe she just likes to take care of people... not really sure what compels her to do it. We don't have that kind of money. I contribute 10% of every paycheck to my retirement fund, and automatically contribute to a mutual fund every check, too. She thinks that both are a waste.


Did she complain about the amount of time you spent on your phone or in front of the tv?
Yes about the phone. So I have tried to get better with that. I like to read a lot of silly news sites so when I do check them out I try to share the articles with her. Overall have decreased the phone activity, though. When I goof around on my phone it's never on Facebook or anything because I'm not a social media person. She prefers more TV time to just relax and decompress.


Did she complain about you not wanting to talk about the issues you may have been having?
No. Maybe she rendered hints but I missed the signs?

I am not sure what she really wanted or needed in the relationship anymore, and she isn't ready to talk about it.

What you said about the GAL stuff is on point, so thank you. I just signed up for a swing dancing class one night a week-she loves to dance and I'm terrible at it. Also we moved to a new area so it'll be a good way to make friends, and a fun thing to do with my older ones. After that becomes a habit I'll try to build and find another cool thing to do.

I've asked her what issues she had in the marriage from time to time. If everything is okay or if she needed anything. Typically a conversation like that would culminate in her asking for a weekend away to visit a friend or something. They never went so well, and I've been blaming myself for not asking more questions and noticing any hints she may have dropped.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: elltee2
What you said about the GAL stuff is on point, so thank you. I just signed up for a swing dancing class one night a week-she loves to dance and I'm terrible at it. Also we moved to a new area so it'll be a good way to make friends, and a fun thing to do with my older ones. After that becomes a habit I'll try to build and find another cool thing to do.

A couple of things here.

Was she drinking like this before you got married and you married anyways?
Did you think she would change after marriage?

When you make changes to yourself ^^^^^ it is for YOU.
To make yourself into the person that YOU want to be.
Not to win her back.
Take the dance lessons if YOU want it but not to win her back. OK?


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2499612 10/22/14 06:33 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
Cadet,
The short answer is no-she wasn't so aggressive with the drinking before we got married. Although, I drank much more regularly before the M. Pre-M she would open a bottle after work but usually wouldn't finish it. We would be too busy talking, goofing off or actually being intimate and she would sorta forget about it. Now she even drinks on weekends before noon. A few times I have brought it up but she insists that she just enjoys it and doesn't like being made to feel guilty about it. Also, before the M she smoked. After she stopped she starting drinking more heavily, and the quitting smoking was the justification.

My biggest goal is to get my pilot's license but I have to put resuming that goal off until after winter. She discouraged my flying after we were married because she thought it was frivolous and silly. Although I love to fly, maybe it is a bit silly and weird? I'm just going to try not to think about it.

I figured swing dancing is more winter friendly and a good way to be more social. I am doing it for me, but also a bit for her just in case. Figured it would be constructive to try something on my own that we both would want to do if something worked out. Is that a positive/constructive way to think?


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: elltee2
My biggest goal is to get my pilot's license but I have to put resuming that goal off until after winter. She discouraged my flying after we were married because she thought it was frivolous and silly. Although I love to fly, maybe it is a bit silly and weird?

Well I have 3000 hours of flying time so I am the wrong one to ask about this...... smile


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2499620 10/22/14 06:48 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
No way! That's awesome.

Thanks for all the support and advice. It helps a ton. Thank you thank you thank you.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 52
C
CMS Offline
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 52
Im no expert so take my advice with a grain of salt. HOwever I have spent alot of time on here reading the vets advice on other threads. Each sitch is unique but the actions, reactions, emotions and ultimately the approach to handling the sitch are all the same.
I am very sorry to hear your in this situation but I have to be honest. When reading you talk about your sitch it has been almost solely focused on the things you were so unhappy about. the things she did that you wish she didnt. The actions and attitude you wish she would change. Many people early on spend too much time wallowing in their own self pity rethinking all the things THEY could have changed or done to prevent this. Alll though uhealthy this reflection does give oppurtunity for correction which is where the 180's come from.

If your so unhappy with who your wife is why do you want to save the M? IF you want to save your M stop talking and focusing on what she has done or what changed about her and what issues she has. Thats for her to work out. you can only focus on YOU and change YOU. if everytime you go to see what you should change about you and you see a great guy who really had very little to be at fault for then you need to rethink whether reconciliation is a good idea. R fail because of two people not just one. In rare cases where a good guy M the wrong girl and he did nothing to cause it fail (especially with young marriages) than maybe hard as it is the thing needing to change is finding the right person.

In the end you have to focus on you regardless. you will never be happy till you truly find out what makes you happy. Like all things though its always easier said than done.


Me 38
WAW 40
S 10
S 5
M 5 years
BD 10/04/14
S 10/04/14
CMS #2499794 10/23/14 01:52 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
I want to save the M because this is basically our first set of conflicts. Ever. We have really never fought before, and I think a major issue is that neither one of us knew how to sit down and discuss what bothered us without being accusatory and with the intent to work together to find solutions. I absolutely just thought we were in a rut, and when she dropped the D bomb, I was finally sitting her down to discuss how to get out of the rut and potential solutions.

Sure, there are plenty of unresolved issues but nothing insurmountable yet. It is hard coming home from work everyday and spending every night having dinner with her and watching the television with her like everything is normal, before retiring to our separate bedrooms for the evening with some physical contact but nothing sexual. Whenever I bring anything up about the R she gets very defensive and totally detaches.

I don't really feel badly for myself and I'm not wallowing in pity. Sure there are things I could have done and said differently in the past but I am just genuinely puzzled about the whole situation. Although we live together, like I said this week she is staying with coworkers and working at an office a few hours away. It is weird to me she doesn't express a sense of loneliness or reach out in a moment of weakness. Not sure if that means she is either having an A or so shut down and resentful she is just numb.

I feel conflicted on my own. Sure, being in the house we bought together makes me feel a bit lonely. But the household is easier to manage when she isn't around, and things are definitely less awkward. On the other hand, I know M couples are supposed to work through things like this...we got married because we were theoretically willing to stick together when things aren't easy anymore. This is what makes M couples strong, and I would be enthusiastic to go to counseling, make compromises and do things differently. I have expressed this to her and it freaks her out. I am trying to get it, but I just don't. Guess the best way to be supportive is to let her have her space and work on some meaningful 180's.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
This week WAW isn't coming back to the house, although all of her things are here. I am not sure if she is staying with coworkers and immersing herself in work, as she says, or if she is having an EA or PA. Maybe even a combination of the two.

I deleted all my social media but a friend texted me today to let me know she thinks there is something up with my wife and an OM. The OM is apparently a "rapper, singer, dancer" and they've had some suspicious exchanges online. It really hurts to think about.

I need to figure out if I am really willing to save the M. Here are a list of pros and cons to saving M, at least as I see them.

Pros:
Duty/responsibility of a M. I won't feel like a failure.
Honoring promises.
Won't feel so lonely.
Maybe we will feel what we used to feel together.
Maybe we were right and really made for eachother and just lot sight of what matters in the whirlwind of responsibilities and changes
Potential for fulfilling relationship for both parties emotionally and otherwise

Cons:
I may be better off alone. This is a major betrayal.
I'm still young...maybe she isn't right for me and I can meet the woman who is
Other than the loneliness, I feel more stress-free overall, and able to pursue my goals and enjoy more out of the house activities
It will be easier to get my finances back in order alone.
The house is much much cleaner and is starting to feel a bit more like home

The sad part is the cons are so much easier to write. My friends and family were all upset by how she treated me during the M and discussed it with me several times over the months. I did feel overwhelmingly ignored, vulnerable and insignificant because when she had to chose between time with me and time with friends or family, she always left me in the dust. I was often unable to go with her on these occasions because it was a drill weekend, but since I am an officer I get my own separate hotel room that she used to enjoy visiting. She stopped joining me a while ago. Also, some weekends she waits until she knows I am home and then just makes plans to leave, and I have to stay with the dogs. We have 2.

At the same time, it was comforting to have someone to come home to. When I saw her smile it reminded me of how I felt when I met her, all the hope and optimism and I was confident we were just in a rut and getting used to the house and new jobs.

What my gut is telling me is that something not okay is going on here, and I need to try to get out asap at least to protect myself financially. My fault or not, who knows? Maybe I drove her away or maybe it wasn't me and decided that married life at 23 with a house and a dog wasn't what she had envisioned. Either way, moving on seems so hard! Don't get me wrong, I legitimately have not felt the love in the relationship that I should in quite a while. I just thought we could get it back, and she isn't interested in trying. All of my friends and family are insisting I am so much better off, she took advantage of me financially, she lied about too many things (credit card issues, failed to make payments, her college degree). They tell me I am in a great position in life to go do great things and meet great people. Logically, on paper they are all totally right. But why do I feel this illogical despair? Why do I miss her?

The bottom line is we don't have the long history a lot of people on here have. We have only been married 7 months, so we don't have the track record to get her to come back. If moving on is so right, then why do I feel so torn up inside? Does anyone else has experience with this? Is it callous to just roll with the divorce to protect myself financially? Need guidance, please.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Yes protect yourself financially.

Re-read my first post to you.
The #1 thing to do is to DETACH.

Moving forward is the only way that you can go.
You cant go backwards.

That may or may not mean "moving on" but you cant sit still.

There is lots to learn about love and relationships.
And you can't put into your marriage more than all of the 50% that is your share.

Lots to think about and work on but you are in the right place.


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
I think you are asking a very important question and it's something you're going to need to work out for yourself, we are here for you with what ever you decide. If you're not ready to move on the don't, it's still fresh for you. Yes, everyone here has experienced exactly what you're feeling, often multiple times, daily. No it is not callous to throw in the towel, she pushed you into this, you didn't choose it. The choice of when or if to stop fighting is entirely up to you.

You're going to hurt no matter what you do. You've just lost a loved one, you will need time to grieve that loss.

Part of the point of GAL and detaching is so you don't go insane waiting. This is why it's so important you are doing things for you and not for her, as cadet said. If you like swing dance and it's something you want to do then great but if your just doing it to try and get her to notice or make her jealous you wont be happy.

I know it's hypocritical of me to say this since I struggle with the exact same things so much in my sitch.


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
Hoju #2500014 10/23/14 07:49 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
Hoju, you and Cadet are right.

While I grieve I have to GAL, and protect my finances. A part of me feels as thought I should move on and another still believes that M's are supposed to be forever so I should do my part. My wife straight out told me that when she woke up on her 23rd bday she was like "What the hell? This is my house? How did I get here? I'm way too young for this life." Several months of decision making and heard work lead up to that. It's not like we sent an email and voila-mortgage.

The swing dancing is a fun GAL task, while I continue Crossfit and tanning. I know tanning is bad but it makes me look and feel better in moderation. I know for sure that I need to move on and regardless of her agenda, I just can't open myself up to losing so much I have worked so hard for. The D will really protect me in the end.

It's just killing me that I married the perfect woman and she turned into someone else. She just freaked out. But I doubt I'll ever see the version of her that I married ever again. It's scary how people can just change like that.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
I was finally starting to feel ready to move on, until I received the joint petition for divorce in the mail...it got kicked back. We moved from MA to another state which has a 1 year residency requirement for D. That means we cannot file for divorce in our new state until June, and we also cannot file in any other state.

I called her to let her know and she still wants to go forward with everything. The law is that way so we can work things out...so why don't we try? I didn't even bring that up. She just basically said the legal aspect is a technicality-this is a breakup and things are just over. We can both move on and do our own thing until the legal part is official.

It is still just so horrifying to me that WAW is shut down to this extent. She just said that she is dropping by the house next week for a night to get some stuff. I told her that if she wants to move on and date that's fine and at first shes like "why are you saying that" but sounded like she was smiling...there's got to be an A but I just can't afford to care about it. Anyway she told me to do the same. It's just so crazy to me. The sudden change. Even in breakups people tend to linger a bit afterward because they're lonely. None of that here.

No idea where she's staying and know because of DB not to ask. I feel dispensable but know that probably isn't my fault. She thinks the grass is greener-whatever. Just need to keep up with the detaching and 180's. It's still a terrible terrible feeling, though. She says its all because the house and dogs/responsibility. How bad can it be? I do it fine by myself. Ugh.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
If you get a chance watch the history of the relationship between Kate Middleton and Prince William.

They broke up prior to marriage and Kate got on with her life and acted "as if" and the next thing you know William wanted her back.

Trying to FIX your marriage is not going to work right now.

Take a lesson from Kate, who must have read DB/DR cause she executed it perfectly.

The rest of what your W says is all script.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2500287 10/24/14 03:04 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
Cadet,
So I am doing the right thing to just move on, be supportive of her desire to run for the hills and pretend it doesn't hurt? It feels fake putting on such an act but DB advises it, and it appears as though a lot of people have had success with either fixing their M or just moving on and finding fulfillment after D.

Easier said than done. But I'm definitely trying very hard! So far so good. Thanks for your support-it helps.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
Welcome to the rollercoaster elltee, one minute everything is great and you are moving forward, the next your crashing down asking why and how. Personally its taken me about 3 months to finally get off the ride. Best you can do is fake it until you make it and you will make it.


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
Hoju #2500334 10/24/14 04:49 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
I don't know that you need to support her idea to move on. I wouldn't go around saying you approve of her seeing other people. That just tells her your okay with how things happened. From what I've read on other posts you just don't give your thoughts on this, but don't lie and say you think she should see other people.

There is no telling how long it takes to get off the rollercoaster. In my opinion it depends on how much snooping you do and how often you interact with each other. I always start to do well until I end up around W for a few hours for a day and then fall back onto the rollercoaster.


M: 43 W: 43
Married 6 yrs.
T: 7 yrs.
Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
I'm honestly 95% sure she already is so it was the only way to not look bad. Nomatter what I say, she is going to do her thing. She deleted almost everything off her social media and really tightened her security settings. Also have no clue where she is staying...guessing it's with OM. All of my friends have told me she's up to something.

Eh, maybe you're right. I just don't know. But once the honeymoon phase with OM is over I need to brace myself for her attempting to come back/getting greedy. I genuinely thought it would never ever come to this.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
I'm not a vet but what I have learned in my year since BD is to truly not form expectations about what can or will happen. I thought 6 months in when my W learned that OM didn't care about her and just used her for PA, cheating on his W that she didn't know about, that she would be really upset for a while and then re consider her sitch. That didn't happen and at every turn I've let myself believe too strongly in favorable possibilities that just get my hopes up and keep me thinking about what is happening with her. If what you do to 180 and GAL hinges on a reaction from her or the hope that things will begin to change to save your M, you will not find yourself happier from them. When everyone here tells you your changes have to be for you and not for her....believe it.

I never believed my W would have an A, but it happened. You need to find a way to get your focus off her and onto how to improve your life regardless of her. I know how natural it is to think if only... or maybe if we just talked and I explained.... It doesn't work that way. Whatever is broken is in her mind and she will have to work that out. If you don't learn to get your focus off her (which I admit is unbelievably hard) then you will trail your misery on until that changes.


M: 43 W: 43
Married 6 yrs.
T: 7 yrs.
Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
Okay so I sent her an email about logistics for the separation/divorce because of this morning's discovery that we may have to wait until June. Here's what I wrote and would love feedback:

"Sorry for the bad news this morning, but I will continue to ask around. Hopefully we can find a way to do it sooner and get the process over with, if you still feel strongly that's what you want. As you know, I still want to work through things but will continue to respect your decision to forgo the attempt.

At some point we are going to have to sit down and discuss how we are going to handle the separation/divorce process. Here are some of my questions and concerns so far if you still want to proceed;

Separation
What are your plans for this?
What are the expectations/rules if any? I think we discussed that we are both theoretically single and are free to date whoever-are you positive? Or should we wait a bit. Open to discussion here, but would appreciate ground rules and clarity.
I need some help financially. Your bills were the sewer, gas, furniture, cable, groceries and my car. Although I have been paying the car, it has been a bit of a struggle, especially since I am on my own for the groceries too. Can we compromise here? I think it is fair because I am going to make another year of mortgage payments and you're entitled to half so...we should discuss.
Are you planning on helping at all with the house or dogs?

Divorce
What do you want in the divorce?
Do you have any comments or concerns.

Thanks. Please shoot me an email back when you get the chance or we could sit down and discuss. Hope you're feeling better.

I thought it was honest and to the point. Thoughts? Thanks for the support, everyone.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: elltee2

What are your plans for this?
What are the expectations/rules if any? I think we discussed that we are both theoretically single and are free to date whoever-are you positive? Or should we wait a bit. Open to discussion here, but would appreciate ground rules and clarity.

This is relationship talk and should be avoided in MHO.

She is more than likely already dating.

Personally I think you should wait until you are divorced.
But that is just my opinion.

As far as separation $$$$ - normally everything should be split 50/50 but being that you have not been married long, your marital assets should be small.

Be careful not to comingle any assets if possible.

Keep posting


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
Just another update.

Wife has been away from the house for a week and a half. She responded to the email and was civil, saying we should both to see other people, etc. Fine. I know WAW's want that freedom and everything so I'm trying not to feel/express jealousy or anything like that. She wanted to get together this week to discuss the divorce logistics but since our petition got kicked back because of residency issues, maybe at this point that discussion is premature. We should probably talk everything out once the hearing is set, and we have a date for mediation. Why discuss it all again now if mediation isn't until the new year?

Last night my friend was supposed to be my partner for the swing dancing class I discussed earlier, but she couldn't make it last minute. I went anyway and danced with the instructor. It was a great class with both swing and Foxtrot and I learned a ton. However, I'm 27, and everyone else there was a happily married middle aged couple. That kinda stung a bit but I set a goal to learn to dance and I'm trying not to let myself get sidetracked by these moments of emotional weakness.

It's been hard not hearing from W at all, and I honestly have no idea where she is. But I need to respect her taking off, or at least pretend I do. Every day I set a checklist. I have a good breakfast, workout, jog a bit with the dogs, tanning every other day and trying something new twice a week. Some home improvement projects are thrown in there as well. I even got a Facebook to reconnect with old school and Army friends. So far I have been strictly adhering to my plans and they have really helped me feel as though I am moving forward in my life. It feels good to walk around the house and see things getting done, and to look in the mirror and see how much better I look because of the exercise and good eating.

I do still feel that lingering sense of loneliness. I will see something that reminds me of her, or what we had and cry my eyes out. Will that go away soon? I am trying to make the right moves here. Thanks for the support, all.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
E
elltee2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 26
10/30 new update. Drifting further apart everyday.

I am having a bit of a hard time financially, now that my wife doesn't help with any bills and hasn't been home at all. All of my bills are getting paid, but just before my next pay check I don't have money for groceries and end up foraging in the cabinets a bit. I still pay for a lot of her things-her car payment, her car insurance, and absolutely all of the household responsibilities.

In my mind it is unfair that I should support her while she is off doing whatever she wants, so I emailed her to let her know that we should move forward properly with the S. I indicated to her that if her things are not out of the house by the Weds before Thanksgiving, I will have to put them all in a storage locker. She didn't respond to the email so the next morning I texted her. They were to coldest most robotic texts I have ever seen-but I kept my cool. All business. She said she would have her things out and let me know when she would be at the house to get it done.

Although I want to work on the R, I know that to protect myself financially I really need to move forward with the D. Right now I can't trust my WAW at all. It feels like she's really taking advantage of me, and even worse that she is a totally different woman than she was just 2 months ago.

Also, it's just incredible how detached she is. When we text it is as though we are two complete strangers. Even in breakups people waiver and miss each other. I have honestly had more thoughtful/open discussions as a child after deciding not to sit next to someone on the bus on a field trip.

While cleaning the kitchen I found one a paycheck laying around. I wasn't sure if one of my friends left it, but after looking I realized it was my STBXW's. Two lies became readily apparent. First, she is not a salaried worker as she had stated before. She told me she made a certain income and that she was salaried, however she makes about 5,000 less than that amount and is clearly hourly. The second is that her job title isn't what she told me. She had lead me to believe she was in a decision making position. She would come home and talk about all the stressful things going on at work...but she is an assistant who primarily does office administration. Office admin is great work and very important to a company, but why did she lie?

I know I can't focus on her. I am continuing with the DB book and continuing my 180's and sticking to the schedules I set for myself. Still going to the gym every day, practicing my swing dancing with friends during the week and continuing to take the dog to her puppy classes.

The lies are just crazy to me. Oh well. Until next time.


Me: 27
W: 23
M: Feb 2014
D: Sept 29
Petition Filed: Oct 18
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
I don't think anyone can predict how quickly the loneliness or feeling of needing to cry at the drop of a hat will go away for you. I'm 1 year in and it still just comes out of the blue, but much less often and doesn't become such an impact to the day when it does happen now. I feel like I understand so much of how you feel from your posts. I could be wrong, but I still feel like you are putting too much weight on how STBX will react to the things you say or do. Sorry if I am wrong, but I remember saying I would stop so many times but at every turn I would want so much to read into every little thing that did or didn't happen or predict what would be said if I did or said certain things....such a waste of time and probably did more harm than good in the long run.

Glad you are working on GAL activities. You may get a negative reaction for pulling financial support but its my experience that you will loose respect if you don't act in your own interests. Even if what you see happen above water level is negative, it can still be the best thing long term. Just make sure whatever you say in regards to changing the financials is business like and has no emotional strings on it. One last thing...don't try to find a way to bring up the lie about the job she has or what she makes. Will it change anything? Can you expect anything expect defensiveness or her need to create another lie and at least throw spew your way for looking?


M: 43 W: 43
Married 6 yrs.
T: 7 yrs.
Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10

Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard